an epiphany

So, this weekend I had some interesting things happen. I went home for the weekend, and came across a leather journal of poetry I keep. I haven't written a lot of poetry in a long time, so I read through a couple of them last night. I was surprised by how exposed my emotions were in my poetry. I also noticed that the bad emotions seemed to be accompanied by (paraphrased) "life might be bad, but God can carry me through." I realized I've drifted from that a lot. I still trust God, but it isn't the first thing that comes to mind anymore. I shook my head. "You have a lot of catching up to do, Meg."

Then, I went to a women's breakfast at my church this morning. The topic was dreaming. Not a difficult topic, considering I don't think I've ever been awake that early on a Saturday, except maybe when I had a track meet in grade school. Those were insane... I remember waking up at 4:30 so that we could drive hours into PA, and then running all day in the rain. All in all good memories, but still... its Saturday. Anyway, the speaker runs a dream interpretation group (not my friend Tiffany, although they sometimes work together). It was really interesting what she had to say about how dreams can bring people comfort and such. I was struck by a story she told:

She and her husband were living in an apartment in Hackensack. Their neighbors down the hall were elderly women. One was "eighty bazillion years old" and the other was "older than that." In her dream, she was standing in the bedroom of the younger elderly woman, just watching her, not doing anything. The room was heavy with the scent of Avon cream (she named the exact name of it, which I don't remember) and the woman was peacefully sleeping with a smile on her face. Then, the woman just quietly breathed her last, and she woke up. It was 5 am, and she woke her husband up to tell him. "Yeah... what'd you eat last night? Go back to sleep." That morning, they got up, her husband said goodbye and left for work. She was in the bathroom getting ready and her husband came back in. His face was grey. "The paramedics just brought a gurney in. The younger of the two women died in her sleep at 5 this morning." They later discovered from the other woman that the old woman had always been afraid of dying alone. Its a touching story, but there's one thing that stands out to me.

The old woman died peacefully, as if she knew there was someone there. If the dreamer's body was in bed with her husband, what part of her was with the old woman? How did this split occur? Am I reading too much into it? I admit I'm fascinated with dreams. I haven't checked, but I'm told 1/3 of the Bible (both Old and New Testaments) contains references to dreams and dreaming. Several of them occur with stories of people going to distant lands in a dream and influencing things there, probably the most famous journey being John's visit to Heaven in Revelation. Ever since I was in... perhaps 6th grade, I've always wondered, what would it be like to momentarily leave my body behind, and see things I'd probably never see otherwise?

Well, as I sat mulling this over, knitting and listening to my brother playing Halo, I began to be really tired... not surprising since today I was actually awake for my first meal to be considered breakfast instead of lunch. I began to ask God, "Will that ever happen to me? Will You do that for me? I know you control my dreams, and its probably no trouble for You." I don't know if He answered me, or if I answered me, but the question in my mind was, "Are you sure that's what you want?" I started to think... maybe I'm not ready. I admit I have a lot of fear in my life, especially with situations I've never before experienced. By this time I was exhausted and didn't much care, as long as I got my nap in. "Whatever is best for me right now God. You know my state of mind better than I do. If I'm ready then I want it with all my heart." Well, what came out of this insanely long story is that I came to realize today just how immature I am in certain areas. How much I really don't measure up at all and how unworthy I am of God's love and grace. God gave me a dream (I didn't quite travel anywhere), which I won't go into detail with just yet, but the bottom line is this: I can't just do it, I have to learn how, and I won't learn how to dream like that until I can learn how to live in my waking life first. Until I can learn to overcome fear, learn to recognize things about myself that I always just took for granted, and learn to trust God again. I still do, to an extent, but not like I used to, and not like I'd like to.

And anyway, I don't know what to say from there. Its been an interesting day (and perhaps a baffling one for some people who might read this) but overall, I think I learned a lot. I'm going to bed. Goodnight, and sweet dreams to "all y'all." :-)

FYI...

For the record, I was not high on anything when I wrote that last entry, nor was I drunk. Also, while my mood is still decently the same, today was still a Tuesday, and my energy level plummeted around 5:00. By the time I got to my jujitsu class, I thought I would drop right there, and when we went to the student center at 11, I spaced out and didn't hear Scott (my sensei) ask me a question. But still, today was an amazing day, because it felt completely different. Its good to be able to strengthen relationships like I did today. Looking back, actually, there were a lot of them. The main one being my relationship with God, since, obviously, he was the only one who wasn't hindered by a class schedule. With him on my mind for most of today, I had a lot of opportunities to hash things out. Things I like about my life, things I want to change, a little room for complaints (or, a lot of room). Basically, things I haven't told God in a long time because I let stuff get in the way. I guess in a way, it helped me start to care about things more. For example, my friends. I started praying for them, something I haven't done with "umph" for a while. People who are engaged, people who are pregnant, someone I know in Iraq, and thanks that the others have come home safely, prayers for a marriage going down the drain, prayers for a friend who is questioning life (I sure know how that feels...). I believe pretty strongly in the power of prayers, but its been a while since I've acted on it. Anyway, that's my addendum. I like that word. Anyway, goodnight.

a rare occasion

Ok, its a Tuesday, in the Spring semester of my junior year, and its the first Tuesday where I'm not completely drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Not to mention its the first Tuesday where I'm in a good mood. This is amazing. And I can't even figure out why I'm not having a bad day. I'm short on sleep, have a lot of homework, have been doing homework constantly for it feels like forever, and I have four classes, plus jujitsu later tonight. But today feels different.

A quick observation: it seems like for the first two years that I was at Rutgers, I felt like I was the only Christian on the whole campus of what- 15,000 students? More than that? I don't even know. And then this year, my junior year, suddenly I'm meeting all these new people and a good portion of them are Christians, but I wasn't actually seeking them out. We would meet for other reasons. It just feels weird, because... where were they the other two years?

And the last thing I have to say before I go to the other half of my classes for the day is this: Only a few times in the past have I felt as if God is walking right beside me, everywhere I go, and its been happening today. Usually I feel as if God is watching over me, sort of the concept of the old guy in the sky. But today, it feels like he's not just over me, he's right there with me, going through everything with me. I don't know where this feeling came from, and as much as I hope it would never go away, I know that there will be other times in my life where I feel like everyone, even God, is distant. But for today, if you see me on the street, maybe you'll catch sight of two pairs of footsteps in the mud instead of one. Would anyone care to join me-n-God on a stroll sometime?

Ok, I'm a little corny today... kangaroo!! La de da. Whatever, I should stop boring you. Off to class. Bye.

c'era una volta

That's Italian for "once upon a time." I'm going to tell a story now.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who had a dream. In her dream, her birthday was coming up, and her mother made her a white, fluffy cake, with lots of creamy frosting. It was like biting into a little piece of heaven. Mommy, what kind of cake is this? she asked. Her mother told her it was called a French Blessing Cake. The little girl was almost sorry to wake up, because the dream was so beatiful. Everyday, she would wake up, and think about that dream, and she never forgot how beautiful it was. Finally, after many days passed, her real birthday came, and her mother came and asked her what she would like for her birthday. And the little girl said, "Could you make me a French Blessing Cake?" Her mother didn't know what that was, and had to look it up in the cookbook. "Ohhh" she said. "A French Blessing Cake. Yes, I've heard of this. But honey, the French Blessing Cake can't be made without eggs, and you know that we don't have any." Because in that part of the land, there had been a blight that killed off all of the chickens for miles around, much like the death of the American Chestnuts a few years ago. When the mother saw the little girl's sad face, she said, "Don't worry honey, there are plenty of cakes that can be made without eggs. You can look through the entire cookbook and pick any other cake you want and I will bake it for you. The little girl's heart had fallen a little, but she thought of her dream, and decided that her memories were good enough. She looked at the cookbook. "No thank you, Mommy. If I can't have the French Blessing Cake, then I'll just go without one." Her mother put the cookbook away. "Don't you want anything for your birthday?" The little girl smiled. "I have you and all the rest of our family, and all of my memories of the French Blessing Cake. I don't need anything else, but thank you." So the little girl never ate cake again, because she was quite satisfied with her memories.

Ok at this point you are saying, "Meg's lost her marbles..." Well, maybe I have. I had a conversation with a friend of mine about some stuff I've been going through... all this pretty heavy thinking I've been doing. And I couldn't seem to articulate how I feel, until after I hung up with her, I got this idea. So instead of writing my 5-page paper due tomorrow, I'm doing this. Goodbye sleep.

So yeah, I've also been doing a lot of other thinking. At first I wondered if my memories could possibly be enough, but I'm discovering that they are almost more than I can handle. There's no need for any other cake. I also discovered that I'm trying to heal from a breakup that never wounded me. Anyone halfway involved in my life will say, yeah, right. But let me explain. I went through all the emotions involved with a break-up, loneliness and vulnerability being the biggest. But they were not wounds. No where do I feel as if I am bleeding. Instead, I feel as if I'm lifting a heavy burden on my back. It may have potential for wounding me, but right now its only a burden. I think that now that I understand that, I will be able to stop treating the wound that isn't there, and start focusing my energies on other, more important things. Granted, I'll still complain a bit in this blog, but everyone has their ups and downs.

And, having said that, I'm going to have to leave you hanging. Because I have a 5-page paper to write about the Ako Vendetta, which was carried out by 47 samurai in 1702 to avenge the death of their late master. Joy.

HMM...

My dreams are back... After church on Sunday, something happened which sort of tested my convictions. "Are you sure you know what love is? Are you prepared to prove it?" And I know in my mind what I have to do, but I hesitated. And then I started having all these crazy dreams. I know that in this case, its not just something I ate the night before, and that I'm supposed to learn something through them. I even have a little inkling of what it is I'm supposed to learn. But I don't want to believe I know what they mean.

Take this one for instance: I dreamed I murdered someone, but I couldn't see their face. There wasn't much struggle, it was a quick strangle with a bandanna, from behind... trecherous me... I knew there was no reason for it, and I knew it was both wrong and unexcused (excused being something like self-defense). So I sat in my kitchen waiting for the police to come. When they got there, I realized it was my uncle (who in reality is a plumber, not a cop) who was investigating. He examined the bodies (where the second one came from I'm not sure) and, long story shortened a bit, he sat me down and told me that none of this ever happened because it is a dream telling me what might happen in the future (spiritually, emotionally?) if I don't heed the warning. What was the warning? He never said. But the last thing I heard before I woke up was that the bodies were two lovers who'd killed each other on a date.

Sounds like kind of a pessimistic view on love. But I think I'm supposed to figure out the warning for myself. Which is something I am not sure I have the spiritual or emotional energy to do. But anyway... there's more to this whole theory I have about this dream... but I guess right now, I don't have the courage to face it and put it in words in a blog. Or even in my private journal.

So yeah... bottom line: God is giving me a pop-quiz on what I wrote about on Sunday. I think its pass/fail, and I don't know how I'm going to do. Time will tell.

"what is this thing called love?"

That's a song from Delirious above... its a good song, but I can't believe I could have forgotten about love. Last night, I was struggling with feeling guilty about something I did. It added to my general feelings of unrest about my life. This morning, however, I went to church and God beat me over the head with some song lyrics. "The holy heart was sacrificed, this is love, this is love." How could I have forgotten that "I love you" means "I care so much that its going to cost me something to be with you"? Despite my guilt and the things I've done, God still loves me. There were other lyrics too: "Like a rose, trampled on the ground, you took the fall and thought of me." That song though, I liked more because of its poetry and imagery than anything else. But still... God thinks about me. That concept just hit home today. I don't deserve it, but that's how it is. Actually I can think of a few other people in my life who really don't deserve my thoughts, yet I think about them all the time too, because I love them. And God is the same way, and its one of those things thats kind of hard to wrap my mind around.

On the bus back to my dorm, the sun was shining in my window, and hit my scarf, which is made of multicolored ribbon knitted together. I don't know what it is, but I felt like I was seeing those colors for the first time, and rather than seeing red, blue, green, etc, I felt as if I were looking at garnets and emeralds and sapphires and topaz. The sun shines brighter today... and I guess if we had grass, it'd be a little greener in my eyes.

Life's not perfect right now, and probably won't ever be perfect, but I'm slowly figuring things out and learning from it. I'm learning that despite life's imperfection, there's still a perfect love available that lets me see the beautiful parts and helps me make it through the bad parts alive.

La Traviata

I went to see the opera last night. I had no idea that Moulin Rouge was inspired by Verdi. It had to have been- the plot was the same. If not, it would be plagiarism. A consumptive courtesan finds her true love, she leaves her current partner (who happens to have a title of nobility), her father-figure convinces her she must go back to her old life, she convinces her love that she doesn't love him, he follows her, throws money at her for her services, they make up, and she collapses dead in his arms. Same plot for both. So it was a little strange, but a pleasant surprise that I was watching a less-sexed version of Moulin Rouge. The only thing was, it was also less emotional, and not in my native language. So I enjoyed it for the memories of Moulin Rouge that it brought to mind, but not for La Traviata itself. Which only makes me want to watch the movie again. But still... I felt cultured last night. I went to Intermezzo at Cooper with some friends, so I had a nice dinner. Then I changed into something a little bit dressed up (meaning not blue jeans) and watched an opera in another language, understanding the parts that were not drowned out by the orchestra. It was relaxing. I needed to relax. So it was good. I don't think I've been completely relaxed in a while.

PS. If you are mad at me because I ruined the plot of either the movie or the opera, don't be. The first line in the movie is, "This is a story about love. The woman I loved is dead." So I didn't really ruin the plot there. And now that you know its the same plot as La Traviata, then the movie ruined the plot of the opera, not me. Not like it really mattered, though; since the opera was less emotional, her death was sort of non-important when she collapsed.

PPS. That makes me think about emotions. I never really noticed how important they are until yesterday afternoon, when I began to think about all the important memories in my life. I realized that the days when nothing happened emotionally are the days that sort of blur into the past, but the highly emotional days seem to be landmarks in my memory of my life. I think that if we turn off emotion completely, we won't remember anything about our past. Could be why I can't remember 9th and half of 10th grade. It sounds like a basic concept, and I sort of already knew it, but this is the first time I put it into words. Its very interesting.

God...

So, this entry might actually fit the original purpose of this blog, that is, to share the ways that God is a defining factor in my life.

Yesterday at church, I was miserable. For some reason, I haven't been sleeping well in the past couple of months, and Sunday morning (while not as bad sleep-wise as this morning) wasn't such a good day. During the worship service, I felt as if it was just some guys playing music. Worship is intended to bring people into the presence of the creator of the universe, and I didn't really feel that yesterday. I guess it was kind of a blah feeling. It wasn't the fault of the musicians at all, its just that I've been struggling to really get into it anyway. I got really tired, not just in body, but in spirit. I'm tired of a lot of things in my life. So I sat down, because it was also affecting me physically and I felt weak from lack of sleep.

I still sang along a bit, and tried to worship, but I let my mind wander. Then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was one of my theatrical mentors from way back when. He knelt down and told me all about how God told him to talk to me, tell me that things may seem kind of flat right now, but to keep pressing on, because things are about to get exciting, so don't give up. Then, I noticed the tears in his eyes. Ok, it sounds a little inconsequential, but I've always had a thing about guys crying. Tears in a man's eyes are more powerful than in a woman's because they are more rare. Not to be crude in this example, but Hitler brought tears to his eyes in many of his speeches, and look at how many people he convinced of his cause. So, I thought, "Maybe this is God's way of getting my attention. Maybe I wouldn't have taken it so seriously if I hadn't seen his tears." So bottom line is, God hasn't forgotten about me, and he does care about me, even though right now I feel like a puddle in the summertime, all set and ready for that green algae.

So that's what God is doing in my life for the time being.

so cold...

Well, I feel the need to write tonight. But no real inspiration is coming.

Our hot water heater broke and spilled 1/4" of water across the basement floor. And we don't really have a small basement either. So that's lovely. My uncle the plumber didn't come today, so I just took a 50F shower (we have a digital thermometer- I checked to see). It was a little bit warmer than my heart.

Special blessings on my big "brother" who got engaged last night. I'm very excited for you, and I feel bad that my emotions don't show through the mask that most people call my face.

Yes, you read that right. Mask. I don't know why, except that maybe it is because spring is coming. Of all the bittersweet memories in my life, I'd say a good 90% of them occurred in the spring. Although, Damn Yankees occured in the spring too, and that's far from bittersweet. And there are a few other things that are good about spring, but for the most part, I don't like opening up all those wounds again.

And, I'm at the age where all of my friends are getting engaged. I'm not going to say any names, 'cause one or two of them are quite recent. I'll let them tell you if they want you to know. And it opens up some more wounds in me; as happy as I am for them, I'm masking my own pain. No wonder I'm a theater major. I do this so well. I guess this blog is one of the worst (or the best) things I could have done to myself, because now my friends know I'm not exactly the person they see.

I had a convo with a friend the other day. It was about God, and how I'm sort of impatient with Him, and how I'm not really trying very hard right now when it comes to really knowing Him. Here's one of the things this person said to me:

don't wait on (God) because you want an answer for something but wait on (God) because you want to know him more and to have greater intimacy with him

And it got me thinking. Intimacy with God is what my church teaches we are supposed to be striving for. And a few years ago, I could have taught a class on intimacy with God. But I got sick of it. It sounds weird, but I guess I hit a point where I got tired of the "I love you's." I guess we said I love you so often that it sort of lost its meaning for me. That's funny 'cause the same thing happened between Kevin and me. I've lost the meaning of I love you, and now, I can't figure out if I'm pining for Kevin or for God. Most likely both. My relationship with God has changed as well as my relationship with Kevin. And now, the sun seems to have gotten a little bit dimmer, and flowers aren't as cheerful, grass isn't as green, no matter whose side of the fence its on.

Maybe I had too much hinged on my relationship with Kevin. But its my belief that one can never have too much hinged on a relationship with God. And now that both relationships are... whatever they are... I'm feeling down about placing so much stock in them.

Yeah, so I'm not sure if this entry made sense, even to me, so I guess that means, Shut Up Meg And Go To Bed. Goodnight.

what??

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

I learned something today about being single. It makes you more susceptible to chick-flicks.

I watched Moulin Rouge today. I guess I should have suspected something a few weeks ago when I watched Titanic and had that tremendously sappy post to put here right after it. But of course that's only hindsight. I didn't notice it the first time I saw Moulin Rouge (nor did I get sentimental) but I realized why (despite the apparant raunch that sent my mom out of the room) that movie is MY movie. I believe that it, in a sense, captures acting as it really is: every actor creating drama for themselves, whether on stage or off. This can be a good thing, and a bad thing. Good because creation is good, and because feeling emotion brings you to life. Bad because someone is always lying. Satine lies to the Duke and says she loves him, or she lies to Christian and says she doesn't love him, the whole time lying to the world because it doesn't matter who she loves when she's lying dead on the stage. No pun intended. The tango with the narcoleptic Argentine seemed to say it all: don't fall in love with the prostitute. But there's another aspect they missed. Don't fall in love with the actress, because you won't ever be sure its really love.

I'm sure that doesn't help my chances of not being single... not that it matters to me at the moment. I'm making myself depressed. I'm typing this and at the same time I am having an im conversation, cheerfully joking about Valentine's Day. Which part of me is acting now? Am I lying to myself by writing such depressing thoughts? Or am I lying to my friends by being cheerful?

I suppose anyone who has seen Moulin Rouge will understand why I'm so torn up about it. I've lived it, getting caught up in my emotions and not knowing whether I'm acting or really experiencing it. Why I cried in the end, not because I'm emotional per se, but because the events on the screen tied my heart up in knots and created physical pain like a rock in my chest.

And I had more to say, but it seems to have escaped. If this blog is supposed to reveal a little glimpse into my inner life, I'd say the window is pretty spic and span right now. I think the view is usually much more clouded, and I suppose I've surprised even myself. It won't last long though. Look at that, the window is closing and the curtain is going down... goodnight.

ps... i have no idea why i'm up this late.

I CAVED

Ok... I gave in to temptation. I copied a quiz from someone's livejournal. And I'm about to put it here.

1. what did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before? survived a break-up... wait, survive? maybe.
2. do you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? the only new year's resolution I made and kept was to start a journal in 7th grade, and I'm still keeping it. irregularly. this year I made a new year's resolution but I am not sure if I was joking or serious.
3. did anyone close to you give birth? my cousin's wife I think. and Jim and Patti. oh but that was in January. and my other cousin Geena.
4. did anyone close to you die? no
5. what countries did you visit? my mom and I drove through Canada to get to Michigan. but the only thing we visited was a Tim Horton's
6. what would you like to do in 2005 that you didnt do in 2004? no clue.
7. what things from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory? being props mistress for damn yankees, going to cape cod with my aunt, breaking up, going to a restaurant in NYC for my birthday with my friends, people losing their minds over politics, and I think I'm just going to erase the fall semester from my memory.
8. what was your biggest achievement of the year? surviving a history class
9. what was your biggest failure? not being the friend I'd like to be to a certain person
10. did you suffer illness or injury? yeah, love is a cancer.
11. what was the best thing you bought? tickets to the Lord of the Rings symphony orchestra at NJPAC
12. whose behavior merited celebration? Eric.
13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? they might read this here.
14. where did most of your money go? christmas gifts for people I think
15. what did you get really, really, really excited about? having all my friends come home for christmas
16. what song will always remind you of 2004? you can't hide beautiful by aaron lines
17. compared to last year are you:
a) happier or sadder? bittersweet?
b) thinner or fatter? visibly I don't know. but 2004 was an active year (working at the farm, running, hiking, jujitsu), and muscle weighs more than fat so maybe I have gained weight.
c) richer or poorer? every year of my life I feel more enriched, but monetarily... I had a job, which is better than last year.
18. what do you wish you’d done more of? running
19. what do you wish you’d done less of? pining
20. how did you spend your Christmas? xmas eve I went to Kim and Matt's, then church, then Kim and Matt's for desert, then wrapping gifts... xmas day I dropped gifts off at the Glatz's and then went to my aunt's where that side of the family could either ignore me or tell me how to live my life while I'm having an allergic reaction to the five cats in the house.
21. did you fall in love in 2004? no, I stayed in love... assuming I know what love is.
22. how many one-night stands? none!
23. what was your favorite TV program? off
24. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? no
25. what was the best book you read? possibly the Light of Eidon, but the one I cried through was Journey of Desire... but that doesn't count because I am still reading it
26. what was your greatest musical discovery? a demo cd that Adam made and Cindy gave out to people at church and my brother loaned to me. I have to get a copy of it.
27. what did you want & get? lots of music for Christmas
28. what did you want & not get? how about I leave that one alone
29. what was your favorite film of this year? Troy or Passion of the Christ, for vastly different reasons
30. what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? turned 20. I was in cape cod with my family and my aunt. I got up, my dad took me sailing, I went swimming with my aunt and brother, I got ridiculously sunburned, my mom started a triple chocolate cake that my aunt finished, then we went to a nice restaurant and then back to the cottage to open gifts and play cranium.
31. what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? despite some painful experiences, I would say I am pretty satisfied with the year.
32. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? in the summer it was: old t-shirt, jeans with holes in the knees, and farm boots, all covered with hay, dust, garden dirt, cedar chips, manure. when not working, it was: whatever looks better than the work clothes. at school it was: jeans without holes, and a school shirt (long or short sleeve depending on the weather). which gradually progressed to: roll out of bed, make sure you are fully clothed before walking out the door.
33. what kept you sane? Kevin... I don't think I would have survived the fall semester without his presence of mind and common sense.
34. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? fancy? what are we in the 1920s? ok... um, I realized how so many people don't give Johnny Depp due credit for being a decent actor. all they care about is how he looks.
35. what political issue stirred you the most? well we had a presidential election, so I should have cared about that, but I sort of stopped caring because I felt like no matter which sources I turned to, I wasn't going to get the truth about anything. if we can't trust our media, then we may as well be in Russia. at least there they know for sure its a lie.
36. who did you miss? Adam, Eric, Melissa B, Melissa R, Rick, Rachel, Rachel, Anthony, Mike and Jen B, Jim and Patti, Brittany. Everybody moved away.
37. who was the best new person you met? hmm... thats tough. Ivan maybe. its hard trying to remember which people I met when.
38. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: pay attention to your thoughts attitudes and actions in the present. it controls what you do in the future and how you view the past.

recent silence

I apologize for not writing recently, as I'm sure I have people who wait for my posts with baited breath haha. JK. I'm not actually sure how many people read this, if any besides Ivan, Jordan, and Brittany. Ha. That kind of strikes me as funny, seeing as how all of them are very outspoken, politically, and I'm not. I wonder what would happen if I put up a controversial political statement. Well, I'm not going to incite murder. New topic.

The reason I haven't written recently is this... I started this as a way for me to keep a record of what God is doing in my life. I saw something similar to this that someone had on the facebook, and I thought it was a cool idea. So... I haven't really been in open communication with God lately, which means He can't really do anything until I open up to Him. The stuff I AM open about, is kind of personal and not stuff I'd put out there for everyone to know about. Not that I have some big secret thing I'm dealing with, but there are little things. You know what its like to have an inside joke with a friend... its kind of like that. Certain things were meant to be about having an inside joke with God.

Anyway, I'm writing today because I have two nagging questions that I'd love for someone to answer. #1: Why do we get 3 months off school in the summer, and 1 month off for winter? Originally, this system was practical because when everyone owned a farm, all the kids were needed to help with the farming in the summer, so they would get those months off of school. Now that we have supermarkets, and machines that grow all our crops for us, it seems a bit wasteful to get the summer months off. We should have 3 months in the winter to hibernate, and only one in the summer to go on vacations that college students probably can't pay for anyway.

Question #2 is a bit harder to answer; even though its directed at Jersey girls, I am female, and I can't figure it out. Today's windchill factor puts us in the single digits or below. So why, oh why don't you put on some stinkin' clothes?! Does it somehow speed up the dating process and allow you to find Prince Charming that much faster? Does dressing seductively in arctic temperatures attract men? Do they find purple skin and chattering teeth beautiful? Your lips are more exciting when they are shivering- its like a moving target. What about gangrene from frostbite? I'm sure that's stunningly attractive. The black on your fingernails brings out the color of your pupils. Honestly, if you can bring me results, prove to me it works, maybe I'll try it sometime. But your results had better include "rich, famous, charming, good-looking royalty that loves my mother as much as I do." If it doesn't include all of those elements, its not worth it. I'd rather be warm and patient for the man of my dreams than lie in a hypothermic coma in the arms of Mr. Wrong.

disclaimer: the man of my dreams is not "rich, famous, charming, good-looking royalty that loves my mother as much as I do." That's just what I would require as sufficient results for the kind of treatment girls are giving their bodies.

Ok that's all... if anyone can answer those questions, please do.

The pastor's message tonight was about looking ahead to the new year. But I disagree. Sure, we should make plans for the new year, but no one can really know how it will turn out. Every December 31, I like to look back, rather than forward, and see if I'm leaving the year the way I want to leave it. Usually, I can't wait to start on a fresh slate, but 2004 was not really too bad of a year. It was not the best, but it was not horrible. So naturally, in the past couple of days SOMETHING had to happen, just to make sure I appreciate that clean slate.

In light of that, I've been thinking lately about the things I've done... just random stuff that I can tell my kids or grandkids when I'm older. I remember my mom used to tell me bedtime stories about the trouble she got into, playing with her cousin and accidentally pushing the car into gear, trying to look stylish at school by wearing all the slips she owns underneath her skirt to make it "pouf," trying to shave her face like her dad, leaving a dysfunctional family at age 18 and moving to the other side of the country (Miami)... It makes me wonder what kind of things I'll tell my kids about myself. It would be just random things- not accomplishments, but things I've done for the sake of being able to say I've done them.

I've played the clarinet and the piano, taken swing lessons and ballet. I've choreographed dance and mime pieces, performed in showcases, musicals, and straight plays. I've performed a short play in Italian. I've taken horseback riding lessons, art lessons, acting lessons, and jujitsu. I've ice skated at sunrise and seen the rainbows in the ice. I've been rock climbing and rapelling, snorkeling, kayaking, canoing, sailing, and tubing. I've been on a cruise, and have watched a commercial cranberry harvest. I've watched an illegal fireworks show set off just for me, being the only female in the group. I've volunteered giving therapy horseback rides to handicapped children, jumped off a cliff into a lake, and gone skinnydipping at midnight. I've beaten Kevin at chess, and the youth group at manhunt (by hiding out in the open, where no one would think to look). I've biked around Macinac Island, Block Island, and Martha's Vineyard. I've hiked to the top of Cascade Mt. (a 49-er) in the Appalachians. I've seen a moose, an alligator, and a blue whale- in the wild, not in the zoo, and have hand-fed a seagull in midflight. I've seen Da Vinci's David in person, and the mosaic of Justinian and Theodora. I've crossed an Indiana Jones-style suspension bridge with planks missing in Utah, and I've ridden a camel (if only at the county fair). I've published a poem in an anthology, and written an un-published novel (though it's far from perfect). I've become a hero in a little girl's eyes, and I've given up sleep and comfort so some children in England would feel like they are loved. I spent 8 hours in Zurich sitting next to my guardian angel, and have felt God's presence like I've never felt it before in an out-of-the-way cathedral in Venice. And the most recent, I've skiied an intermediate hill with virtually no experience (yesterday). Most important right now, I've done those 20 years of things completely sober.

I hope that to anyone reading this, it will not appear to be bragging. These things, after only 20 years of my life, are things that will one day become bedtime stories for my children. And it is these things that cheer me up tonight, because they remind me that my life isn't bad, even though it sometimes (like now) feels really horrible. To the people who've made it that way, I love you still. I hope you enjoy your alcohol tonight. To Jordan, Kevin, Brittany, and Melissa, thank you for being true friends.

Here's my new year's resolution: Make some friends who value me more than they value alcohol.

YEAH... isn't this lovely?

Ok so for various reasons which will become obvious later on... or now if you prefer... I can't go into details about this because I'm spitting mad at people who might stumble across this.

Some people I know need to grow up. You're acting like high schoolers and I KNOW you've been out of school for years. Drop the stupid cliques and the in-crowd. You don't need that in the real world of life. You have to accept the fact that you have to live on the same planet with people you don't particularly like to deal with. Well, you know what? DEAL WITH IT. The people you remember them being are not the same people. We all change, why can't you realize that and let them change without hanging the past over their heads like a bad nightmare? Why can't you realize that people improve with age, like cheese, wine, and savings bonds? THEY MATURE. Duh. It's a fact of life. Will you ever let them mature without EXPECTING them to act in the same way they have been acting?

And now that I've done all that in defense of my outcast friends... here's a little rant for myself. It'd be nice if some people would just be polite and say you aren't interested, rather than smile and say that sounds nice. Really, "that sounds nice" and "that doesn't sound nice" mean the exact opposite. Just in case you didn't know that. I don't know what it is that drives me to maintain friendship, keep forgiving and forgetting, and continue to love certain people as much as I do despite the pain they cause.

I refuse to attach to a clique, but hanging in between four of them is wearing me thin. You are all hurting each other, can't you see that? And because I'm not in any one clique, you are all hurting me.

I've had some strenuous exercise today. I think my exhaustion is touching a little too hard on my emotions right now. If you've read this far, thank you for caring... perhaps you can spread that care to some people who need to take this to heart.

Just a small postscript... I think Disney captures my feelings quite well right now:

I don't know if You can hear me or if You're even there. I don't know if You would listen to a gypsie's prayer. Yes, I know I'm just an outcast I shouldn't speak to you. still I see Your face and wonder were You once an outcast too?

God help the outcasts hungry from birth. show them the mercy they don't find on earth. God help my people we look to You still. God help the outcasts or nobody will

I ask for nothing. I can get by but I know so many less lucky than I. please help my people the poor and downtrod. I thought we all were the children of God.

the latest scoop

Ok first of all, I feel like I'm never going to get warm again in my life. I've decided I'm moving to Ecuador. Or at least, Death Valley. I need to keep warm. I'm one of the few people each year who eats Christmas cookies guiltlessly because I'm trying to add an extra layer of fat just to keep warm. I feel like I'm part squirrel or something. If it gets too cold I may have to hibernate.

What I wanted to write was the latest theological revelation from my pastor at the Christmas Eve service: "This summer, Susan and I went to Alaska for our anniversary. We learned a lot about reindeer. We learned that both male and female reindeer have antlers. The males drop their antlers in early fall, when they mate with the females. The females spend the winter pregnant, with a full rack. So, just to throw a little glitch in your common (mis)conception of Christmas... Dasher and Dancer all the way down the line to Rudolph either were all females, or the illustrations of the antlers are wrong. I mean, that's gotta be a tribute to feminity right there, that those girls can drag a fat man in a velvet suit all the way around the world in one night and not get lost." My pastor is the coolest. Now that I think about it though, what male reindeer would have a name like Vixen or Cupid? At least some of the reindeer must be female. Rudolph, I admit, is most certainly a male name. But Rudy... that could go either way.

Anyway, obviously my pastor talked about more than just reindeer tonight, but I think I'll save that for another time. Not everybody who reads this celebrates Christmas. I was so happy tonight. All the people I care most about... at least a lot of them... are in town. Adam's back from British Columbia, Greg and his new wife from Kentucky, Steve from one of the Carolina states... wish I could remember where. Rick from Philly, Eric from York PA, Cathe from her 50 bazillion jobs. Growing up with these people draws you close, but then they go elsewhere and you feel stretched out like silly putty that can only go so far. If for no other reason, Christmas should be celebrated so we can put our silly putty back in order.

Well, its after midnight, so officially its Christmas. I have some wrapping to do... I just bought some gifts today. Nothing like a last minute shopping spree. And I still have nothing tangible for my mom. That's not good. She doesn't want much though. She told me to print out my transcript and give it to her. We'll see. Gotta go. Merry Christmas to all you who celebrate it, and if you don't, then have a Merry Saturday!

dead-end dream

I had a dream this morning. My uncle has a house down at the shore; its built on a man-made, three-pronged peninsula that sticks out into Barnegat Bay. There is a road that goes down each "prong," and his house is on the center one. So, in my dream, I was bicycling with some people, supposedly friends of mine, but I don't remember who they were. We got to the crossroad where each prong joins the main road. Some people went left, some went right, and some went straight. I waited at the crossroad, because I knew each one ended in a dead end, and I knew they'd have to come back, so I waited for them. When I woke up, I thought, Yeah, that's my personality. Practical and precise. If I know a given option is going to land me in a dead-end, I won't waste my time on it. But then I started thinking more about it. Surely the other people must have known also that it ended in a dead-end. At least, the ones that went down the center road would have known- they could see the end. So why did they do it when they knew the road would end? It must have been because they enjoyed it. They were getting something meaningful out of the path they chose. What if my methods aren't as practical as I think? What if I'm so afraid of hitting a dead-end in my road, that I am more interested in sitting at the crossroads waiting for everyone to come back and tell me about it, instead of going out and experiencing it for myself? What if this dream is making me think too much?

feeling pretty in my dress

Today I came home and got dressed up and went to church to cater food at the youth group semi-formal. I remember when I was their age, and it was such a big thing to get all dressed up. I would spend hours on it- planning what I'd wear, how my hair would be, doing my nails... Today I came home from Rutgers and spent an hour doing Missy's hair. I spent about 15 minutes on myself. I did that last year too, with Brittany and Diana. I've gotten pretty good at managing my hair (its long enough) so now I can do stuff for all my little sisters. It was fun making this night special for them, and taking tons of pictures as they danced, not to mention the awesome DJ! Next year, however, we definitely need someone with a videocamera. Still shots sometimes don't explain enough. Like Billy doing a very good impression of N'sinc, despite the fact that they are a group, and he was dancing alone and doing just as good a job. Or Dan, "blessing" people with his scepter... I've always thought he'd make a good successor to "Bishop Adam." If anyone understood that last comment which smacked of inside-joke-ishness, post a comment, we'll reminisce.

Anyway, I had a sort of epiphany right before we started cleaning up. For anyone that reads this who doesn't know, the church youth group has been through hell and back again. Or at least, I think they are working their way back. Its been a long, tough road. So, I've grown accustomed to sudden announcements such as "So-and-so is now your new youth pastor." Or worse, "So-and-so is moving to somewhere out of state..." People have been coming and going for so long that I feel my heart is stretched all over North America. And actually, one of the former youth interns is now in Iraq, so that's beyond North America.

Anyway, after much rambling, my epiphany was this: there's a young couple in the church that sometimes helps out with the youth group, and I have a feeling that, whether anyone knows it yet or not, they have a big potential for youth pastoring. They are getting their feet wet now; they'd better be careful. Sometimes working with the youth group is like that scene from the Matrix where Neo sticks his finger in the liquid mirror and it won't let go, but slowly works its way up his arm. Sometimes there's no getting out of the rabbit hole. Anyway, they are awesome and if our church were a democracy, I'd vote for them for youth pastors. But, its more of an oligarchy, and they may not be ready just yet anyway. Still, sometimes my epiphanies are correct. The future will tell. Ooh another Matrix analogy- the scene where Tank tells Neo "if you are the one, WOW, we've got exciting times ahead." Well, ok he doesn't say "wow" he says something else. I don't know why I keep thinking about the Matrix. I didn't particularly care for it. Although, it was 500x's better than "Matrix Rebooted" and "Matrix Regurgitated."

Anyway, thats my blog for the night. Mostly, I wanted to write about my epiphany, because youth pastors are something I've been asking God to bring to those kids for so long now. They need someone to be there for them.

tell me something...

"Tell me something, is it really that hard to know what you desire in life?"

I refused to enter into something with only half my mind made up. I was tearing myself apart inside. Say it, just say it Meg. Say yes and get it out. Its what you've been longing for. Say it!! But I could feel the check inside, holding back. I won't say yes while my heart is waging a civil war inside. So again, I risked losing something so dear to my heart. Again, I walked away alone. One of these days its going to bite me. When am I going to learn?

The OTHER Director's Scenes

So, last night it was dir. scenes for the BAs and tonight I went to see Alex perform in "Frank and Juliet" for Cabaret's dir. scenes. I didn't really know any of the other actors, but Greg and Jill did a good job directing their scenes too. Anyway, after typing a couple of things and then deleting them, I think I'm gonna keep my opinion on some stuff to myself. That's what my private journal is for anyway. So, yeah... there was some good acting, there was some bad acting, there was some good directing, and some bad directing. I don't know what to say about it, so the only thing I feel safe saying in an open blog is that Alex has a certain level of charisma and stage presence that was riveting. My mind wandered for several different scenes, but Alex held me glued... so... bravissimo, Alex! I think you have some very promising talent.

director's scenes tonight

Let's try this again. My computer deleted the first post I tried to put up.

Tonight, after much rehearsal, Ben and I performed for Joe Hart's directing class. I should add, much rehearsal OUTSIDE the actual performance space. Because of course, the BFAs are better actors than us BAs and from that, naturally, it can be derived that they are also above the rules of common courtesy, namely, the rule that says "if you reserve a room for 6:30, you are entitled to it at 6:30, not 7:05." Still, it went well, and Sarah deserves a really good grade, because she was an awesome director.

I'll admit, it went differently than I expected, for me anyway. Rehearsal prepared me for the lines, character, and blocking, but not for acting itself. I'm way out of practice; its like exercise. You sit too long, and your muscles atrophy. Or however you spell it. Anyway, it was clear to me that I've been out for too long. For my high school years, I was homeschooled, so I had the time to perform a lot. I practically lived onstage. But it feels like I moved out, and now coming back home for a 10-minute scene, I feel out of place. But several people told me I should act more often, which I suppose is a good thing.

I just don't know when or where I would do it. I don't sing anymore, so LTC is out except for backstage stuff, which is just as thrilling as being onstage, to me anyway. Cabaret, there just weren't any plays that jumped out at me. Well, Crucible did, but I chose backstage LTC and then Crucible died anyway.

What I would love more than anything is to be a part of a group that does the classics, despite (and in defiance of) the fact that classics are usually overdone, and usually everyone tries to be the famous movie star that had that particular role. Streetcar Named Desire, Hamlet, Midsummer Night's Dream, Oliver. Well, okay, you need young kids for Oliver. But seriously... half the people I know at RU are actors who act like young kids anyway. And if Hillel Theater Company can get away with completely selling out Willy-Wonka, I think Oliver is at least a possibility. But I guess we have enough BA theater competition at Rutgers anyway (Cabaret, CAP, LTC, Hillel). Still, the classics are so overdone that no one does them anymore. So maybe it would work.

Anyway, bottom line is, I would love to act more. I've been saying that a lot lately. I wonder how long its going to take me to do something about it.

Last thing, special thanks to EVERYONE I know that came. I know that some of you came to support me and some came to support multiple people, but its so nice knowing there are people out there who care.