modelling

Remind me to talk about the massage class. Later.

I have a job modeling costumes for the Rutgers Costume History class. Today was (I believe) Restoration... so, white curly wigs, petticoats for men, long jackets to hide the bellies, and women's dresses showing a tad more skin up top near the neck.

Picture a scene from The Three Musketeers, or The Count of Monte Cristo. Here, maybe this will be better.


So, I have this gorgeous black skirt on, with a reddish top, and gold buttons and lace and a bustle and hoopskirt I can't breathe in, and pins so tight I feel them when I breathe. And we had to pose in different positions while the students drew us. So, on the teacher's direction, I took a seat, the male model knelt in front of me, and then (improv) he put his hand on my thigh. So... random thoughts going through my head, as I've never met this guy before, and can't even remember his name, I'm thinking, "If I were in 2006 and jeans, I'd contemplate katate tori." But then I think... its not really 2006, and somehow, the costume changes you. His costume was a sort of pompous, flair-ish, regal sort of costume. Being in costume put us into the late 17th century, and it was odd, but it made his actions sort of... necessary. Not like I could do anything about it. Any slight hip movements make the pins pop.

So, I'm seated, looking at him, he's kneeling in front of me with his hand on my thigh (not horrible- it was lower thigh, almost knee) and he looks me in the eyes and says, "I have something to tell you" in a sort of deep, breathless voice. I'm thinking, "Ok, we're in the theater department, he's probably a theater major, improv actor or something. I'll play along." So I said, "What would you like to tell me?"

"I just saved fifteen percent on car insurance by switching to Geico."

Have you ever heard the term "almost bust a stitch laughing?" Yeah I think that originated in the 17th century.

Unfortunately, my camera battery died and I didn't get any pictures. Oh well. :-(

Dear God...

I looked at my life today, like through a dirty window. Its been so long since I even acknowledged that the window was there. I couldn't see much, but it was still a window. I saw enough. I saw that there were so many times when I thought I'd lost you. There were so many times when I cried out into the night saying, "God isn't next to me anymore." I was upset that I'd gotten so close to you, and upset that "the higher you climb the farther you fall." And then I didn't care. I didn't care that I was in a valley and you weren't there next to me. That was the worst. Not caring is the worst feeling in the world.

But I looked in that window and I discovered something. When I wanted you to walk beside me, you weren't there. I couldn't see you anymore. I couldn't hear your voice. I couldn't feel your touch. Where were you?

And you know what I saw? While I was walking blindly without you, you were farther on ahead, building the path I was walking on. And your path took me so close to monsters. And cliffs. And directions I didn't want to be on. But each new twist in the path was planned in your lesson book. I see now that you took me past those awful landmarks in order to add another patch to my vest, another kyu to my rank. Barely even noticing, you were taking me to places I could not have gone if I had you next to me to hold my hand.

Thank you for making me work to get here. I've never had to work so hard at life before. It hurts, but in the end, I'm stronger. And I've learned some things. And now I can see things coming around the corner, and I wonder where you're taking me next. And I long for the day when you won't have to go ahead of me and construct the pathway but will walk beside me once again and keep me by your side. Until then!

Your Girl,
~M

post #2

Not your typical Harlequin romance.
Please note that this is a work of fiction.

Mom answered the phone and handed it to Mara. Odd, since Mara doesn't normally get calls.

"Hello?" It was Yosef. She smiled. He's such a great friend. They chatted for almost 4 hours, also odd, since Mara doesn't normally talk too much, especially on the phone. Bottom line...

"Mara, you're a really nice girl... and the more I think about it, the more... I don't know... I was wondering... I really like you. Can we go on a date sometime?"

Awkward for both of them. Yosef, because he genuinely had lost his tongue in nervousness. Mara, because no one had ever said anything like that before. Mara had to think about it.

And she thought a long time. She was struggling because she REALLY wanted to date someone. But she felt that Yosef was more a friend and brother to her. She didn't want to ruin a relationship just because she couldn't wait for the right guy to come along. And... she could feel God warning her.

Yosef taught her how to speak. How to express herself, and how to communicate with guys. She'd never known how to do that before. And even though some painful things happened afterwards, they didn't date, and she regretted it for a time. But then she realized exactly why God had warned her, and she was grateful that she had listened.

And on the 1-year anniversary of that life-changing phone call, Kyle asked Mara if he could talk with her. And this time, Mara was prepared. She was nervous. She was afraid her family might have a problem with Kyle. She hoped they would not make a race issue out of it. She hoped they would be understanding and... modern, if one can use that word. They sat down in the warm spring air and Mara listened as Kyle said the words she had known he would say.

She took a deep breath. And jumped into the unknown. "I'd like that very much."

They dated for a long time. And her family didn't have a problem with Kyle. Mara knew that everything had happened in God's perfect timing. What's more, Yosef and Mara were able to remain friends. In time, they would drift away, for external circumstances beyond their control. But Kyle and Mara were happy. Mara thought there was serious potential in Kyle. She thought he was the one. She expected that when they were done with school, he would propose.

But then, long before school was out, she noticed the flame in them was dying. Kyle had noticed it too, and eventually, they both gathered up the courage to talk about it. They discovered that their relationship for a time had been a security blanket, dating in order to feel secure. Somehow they had allowed it to change, or it had changed with out their noticing. But they had to face the fact that, although they still had feelings for each other, although they had been able to love with 100% of their hearts, something was not right with their relationship. "Something was rotten in the state of Denmark" as Shakespeare so eloquently put it.

So they broke up. Mara was devastated. She felt lost, and alone. She felt extremely vulnerable being "back on the market" as the horrible saying goes. Mara and Kyle tried to remain friends. But eventually, they decided it was hurting them just to hang out and talk, even with other people around. Mara knew it was for the best. But secretly, she discovered that loving someone with 100% of your heart can destroy a friendship when its over. She vowed she would never love anyone with 100% of her heart again. As the months went on, she toyed with ideas of being stubborn and not having a relationship again, but couldn't deny her heart. She knew one day she would find someone and marry. But she liked to pretend she would have that one pure love in her heart for the rest of life, and none other.

More months passed, and she met Zack. He was fun to be around. He was a good friend. She was learning how to be friends with guys, without having a dating relationship with them. She felt he was her best friend, and that she could confide in him with anything she wanted to talk about. Even girl talk. Even stuff about the awful cramps she got every month. And he loved it. Zack listened to her. Zack had crazy ideas.

As time went on, Mara noticed that she thought about Zack a lot. She still thought about Kyle. But the time away from him allowed her to notice things she'd never noticed before. Things that bothered her that her rose-colored love glasses had filtered out. She looked at Zack and couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be in his arms. And at the same time, he was having the same thoughts about her. It was one of those things that sneaks up on you, when you least expect it.

Mara was thrown into a turmoil. Zack was, to use the vulgar phrase, a wasp. White, Anglo Saxon Protestant. What's more, he was one of those pentecostals. Mara thought her Eastern Orthodox family would be turned off by such a vast difference in culture and religion. But she thought of Kyle, and her family's acceptance of him. She closed her eyes, crossed her fingers, trusted in the love of her family, and kissed him.

And that was when she realized she'd broken her promise. She had allowed herself to love again. But somewhere in the mix, she'd lost touch with her heart. She knew she was in love. But she couldn't tell if it was with 100% of her heart. She suspected not, because a part of her heart had gone away when Kyle left. But all she could think about was that she was in love and couldn't help herself.

Slowly, Mara realized that all good things must come to an end. She fought it though. With Kyle, she had quietly gone along with the flame she felt dying in her heart. With Zack, the flame still burned brightly in her heart, but she could see his was turning cold. She didn't know what to do about it. She didn't know why it was happening. But she saw it and trusted God to help her through it.

And, as she feared, Zack asked Mara to go for a walk with him. She spent the rest of the day crying that something so bright and lovely had burned out so quickly. She smiled through her tears when she thought of the memories she had. They were precious, beautiful memories. Long nights in each other's arms, and the passionate, stolen kisses they had shared while cleaning the shed out back. She had never shared that with Kyle, she kicked herself for comparing them, smiled through her tears at her memories of both, and then kicked herself for allowing a friend to become a lover. She felt guilty for ruining her friendship with Zack; now... she couldn't talk to him as much. She realized fate had somehow caught up with her, and the friendship she'd saved with Yosef had led to losing her close friendship with Zack. History had somehow repeated itself, and she'd lost Kyle, and was losing Zack. She was afraid the same thing might happen. She was afraid she and Zack would not be able to see each other without hurting.

But, as things tend to go, each stage in her life leads to something to be learned. And this was the beginning of a stage in which Mara enjoyed close physical contact with her circle of friends in a non-sexual way. Being single again allowed her to be free. It allowed her to do things without thinking of "the boyfriend." But this plan backfired, as several things happened at once.

Zack, in his distancing, grew close to Lucy (whose name has been changed here to protect the innocent. or guilty. or whatever she is. bottom line is the name's different.) Mara was bothered by this but said nothing, as she also was getting close to someone. But, when Suman seemed to be enjoying their time together more than she was comfortable with, Mara was disturbed. She was not ready for another relationship just yet.

She looked in the mirror and wondered what she was doing with her life. She thought about the lion cubs she'd once seen at the zoo. They didn't have to worry about love. They were fat and happy, eating food provided for them and wrestling in the sunshine of a suburban metropolis.

"They have some life," she thought. "Yosef taught me to communicate with words. Kyle taught me to love completely and purely. Zack taught me to communicate with touch. And now I've learned to take that touch and share a special closeness with my friends. Just as I'm sure those cubs once did as newborns, to keep warm and snuggly near their mother."

A thought struck Mara. "But now, they are a little older. Now, they play fight. Now they pretend they are killing each other." Mara wondered what it would be like to be a lion cub at that age. She wondered if she was entering a new stage of her life.

Still hurting, she hoped she wouldn't mess anything else up. And she turned from her mirror to her window, to look out on the world.

Post #1 tonight

This is an update. I have two posts I have to write tonight, instead of reading a French philosopher talk about existance that was assigned for a class about monsters. Honestly. The two have nothing to do with each other. And since this is my last semester, I plan on getting a decent grade in the class without actually learning a thing. Partly because the teacher doesn't teach anything. So how can I learn it.

Anyway... I got up and went to church where Anissa played her violin. It was a good service. I miss being able to feel like I belong in a church. Christ Community is nice, but its not my home church. And I don't always feel welcome in my home church anymore. So... I miss belonging.

And then Anissa and Steve and I had lunch before going to a memorial service for Darlene, one of the black belts in our dojo. I never met her because she left long before I got there (maternity leave and then cancer). However, when she died, Barb said something in class about being able to let go completely, and not hold on to anything, is demonstrated to its full extent in death. A lot of people will slip into a coma and most of their body dies but one system still functions, like the kidneys or something. They are holding on. Darlene didn't do that. She let go in life, but since I didn't know her, letting go in death was what touched me more. So I felt like I was sort of obligated to come to the memorial. Even though we never met, she still caused Barb to say something that affected my life. I even had "sutemi" and "let go" as the greeting on my phone for a while. That's a legacy for a black belt- even when she's gone, people are still learning from her, because she's not completely gone.

So, Barb did a little ceremony for her during the memorial service. It was... interesting. In a powerful way. From the moment I got to my seat, I could feel a sparkle in the air. The room was... spiritually charged. If I ever had any doubt that jujitsu is more than just a physical art, I could point to today and say, "look at that." Barb had all of the jujitsuka stand at the front, and she lit candles, tracing the flame from the founder of jujitsu down through the senseis to Darlene, with her black belt in the center. After explaining a bit about who, what, why we were doing that, etc, Barb counted to 3 in Japanese and we kiaied.

First of all... Scott and Rob, who knew Darlene well, were fighting tears throughout the ceremony. It was... not disturbing. But something to note. I guess, I know them well, I care about them, and they sorta take care of me, keep an eye out for me. So to see them like that... I wanted to just take them and hold them and then shake them and tell them to stop fighting, tears aren't bad. But, it was the middle of the service.

And then the kiai. When they translate it "spirit yell" I think it couldn't have been better named. Most of the time, I do it wrong, when I have today to compare to. Because I didn't know Darlene, I'm not exactly grieving for her. But a lot of the jujitsuka are. And the kiais that I heard today... they were releasing their spirits for a brief second and I felt all that pain in their hearts manifest itself as a physical shout. And mine was... one of the strongest I've ever done. I guess in a sense, it was my way of being there for them. Most of the time, their kiais (because a lot of them outrank me) are stronger and more experienced than mine. Today it was different... they were still strong. But the pain alongside it was there... and... I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. But that kiai is definitely one of the more memorable kiais I have heard/felt.

All in all... I spent a lot of my time in church today. And then I went to jujitsu. So its like I spent a lot of my time overlapping church with jujitsu. Which is also an interesting concept. It got me thinking... If you're reading this... and it just so happens that you end up outliving me... tell my family I want a nod to jujitsu at my funeral. You don't have to bury me in my gi. You don't have to be all elaborate, or say anything about it on my tombstone. But kiai for me, so I can hear you all the way to where I am. Even if you have to fight for it. Fight tooth and nail to get that at my funeral. That'd be awesome.

And after you do... perhaps what will happen will be something like what happened today. There was a sort of release. Our ears were sort of ringing from the shout, and in that time of pausing, there was a giant sigh, but not from my physical body, from my spirit. And then... that was it. The energy charging the room was released, even though the service still went on.

So... that's post one. Today was a really intriguing day for me.

Oh... and jujitsu seems to be getting better. My old injuries are back to their old tricks again, so I feel more at home. No more losing control of my focus while working out. Nothing triggering that. S'all good. Except that when I roll I wince in pain. And I can't stand up after I take a fall. And it hurts me more than it hurts my Uke when I'm doing a choke. But... that's normal haha.

Ok. On to post #2.

sigh

The pain is back. I wonder if it will ever go away completely. I wonder how long I'll hold onto it. I wonder if I'll ever trust God enough to let Him heal me. I have trust issues. I've discovered that recently.

Its been affecting my stomach too. And Barb said something to Anissa about a point on the neck that releases emotions when you massage it. It makes me wonder how much emotion is actually tied into the physical aspect of the body.

It doesn't help that I no longer know the source of the pain anymore either. It seems like things have compounded (funny I used that word in describing my recent back pain to Barb and Rob) so that all sorts of past events all result in the same throbbing pain in my chest and knuckles.

Its weird. I'm one of the most trusting people I know. Sometimes that's a downfall. And yet, I can't trust God, I can't trust myself, and I can't trust the people I'm close to right now.

Guess I should sleep. I'm going to church in the morning. Anissa's playing the violin.

teary

What I said to a friend:

"He's extremely protective of you, whether he has a right to or not. and i don't know for sure if those are his reasons, but i can understand why he doesn't want to let you get too close to what's going on inside him."

And then God turned it around and said the same thing to me. "You're in the same situation as she is. You know what it feels like to be protected like that, even when you try as hard as you can NOT to protect your heart. There are other people watching out for you, and you need to let go, let them protect you, even if that means they have to pull away from you to do it. They really truly care for you and because of that, they are sacrificing something in order to make sure your heart stays safe. Do them a favor and help them protect you."

And... when I heard that... I allowed myself to feel the pain I've been locking away for a while. And... I'd forgotten how much it hurt. And how healing it is to allow myself to feel it.

And its inspired me somewhat to include it in a project I've been working on.

realization

I was just thinking back on my college experience. I discovered that before I started jujitsu, I didn't have anyone at Rutgers except Kevin whose shoulders I was able to cry on.

Cheers!

She's got something on her mind tonight
She's thinking maybe she'll speak up this time
But then they all have other things to say
And she watches as the paper crane flies away.

He's thinking maybe one day he'll tell the truth,
But he's afraid of what it will do
And walls it up inside for another day
Wondering why the paper crane has gone away.

So here's to the opportunities gone by,
Here's to the cranes who still can't fly.
Drink a toast to all those things unsaid,
Drink until the cranes are dead.

Edit: After I posted that, I found these on postsecret.com. I decided to save them to my computer, because they strike a chord somewhere deep inside me. There's something haunting about unspoken words... The thought ends up being a whisper and echo of what could have been.

gears turning...

So... there's been a lot of stuff happening lately pertaining to my future. Not my permanent future, like career-wise. But just... the near future. Like in the next year or so. Well, in reality, a lot of ideas, but not a whole lot of anything else.

There's one that's been on my mind. I can't even remember who came up with this idea, maybe it was me, but I don't know. But it was suggested that all of the people who are looking for a place to stay next year should get an apartment together. That would mean a lot of jujitsu people, plus a couple of others. And initially I thought, "Wow, that would be really awesome. They're all awesome people."

And now I'm thinking about it for real. And I'm thinking about my roommates now. And trying to project things into the future. And I'm thinking... when one of us forgets to put the garbage out, or leaves dishes in the sink... well, we all have our quirks. And most of us would know jujitsu. ("Put that dish away!" *Does Ashi Karami*) We would all kill each other I think. But y'know what? We would have SOOO much fun doing it!! And we would have no dishes left.

Maybe I'll stay with my parents and work at Frank's Italian Restaurant. I need a break from theater. I should try and do that summer stock theater internship that Karen wants me to be involved in. But I don't have the drive right now. My theater lover is low on fuel. Honestly, theater is awesome. But I could just as easily see myself cleaning and cooking for people. Any people. Not necessarily starting a family. But not behind the scenes hotel-type work either. Just something interacting with people, and helping them out. There's nothing I really want to do for the rest of my life. There are tons of things I want to do. But eventually I will want to move on.

What am I saying... eventually, I will come back to theater. I have left it so many times and still I find myself walking back behind that curtain again.

What about missionary work? I once believed I might one day care for orphans in a foreign country. Surprising... Me, the girl who doesn't like children. And look at me helping at the jujitsu kid's class, and loving it haha. And my first job was as a mother's helper. And I babysat for years. And still... I didn't like children.

I just want to be happy. Honestly I could be happy in a lot of places, doing a lot of things. But will they be the right things?

Ok... I haven't mentioned God a lot on this blog in the past few months. Its 'cause... well I'm not sure why. But... I know He put me here for a reason. I know He put me here to influence people's lives. But how, in what way, in what capacity... I haven't figured that out yet. I haven't been listening properly. Because... well... I don't know why. I guess I could use the word jaded... but that's not really a good excuse. In a sense... there is something scary about stepping into the shoes you're supposed to wear. Especially if you don't know what size they are, or how long you'll end up wearing them, or how big the footprints will be, who will see them, how far will you walk.

Has it been fear keeping me from hearing You all along?

today

Well... I've been to a bunch of cathedrals in Italy and Austria. They're nice. They're big and majestic. And sometimes they just want to attract tourists. And sometimes they don't care who comes, they just stand silently and watch over a city, and if you want you can go in and talk with God.

But I've never been to a Catholic service until today. St. Helena's was nice. Its still Christmas there. I like that. And... confession: I didn't really listen too much, because I was talking to God. There was a lot happening today. But that's what churches are for, getting closer to God. How can you get closer to God if you don't have a conversation?

Then I came back to my apartment. And I realized I took a beating yesterday in jujitsu. I was doing stuff I shouldn't know yet, because I'm still a lowly blue belt. So today I'm moving a little stiffly haha. But I had such a good time doing it. Maybe Barb was trying to entice us all to test for Gokyu. Which, might I add, is still a blue belt haha. Just a higher rank.

And now I'm trying to decide what non-credit classes to take. Besides jujitsu, I think maybe massage, but not Barb's massage, because I have class. I dunno. There are so many classes that pique my interest. Several different dance classes. But I don't have as much time as I think I have.

Anyway... I've got more to say but... for some reason I can never say it. I guess that's the purpose of this blog. When I finally get out what I want to get out, that's when I'll stop writing.

Good news!!

Ok so I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is for another post. The good news is: remember that prompt book that I spent two straight days perfecting at the end of last semester? I went to get it today.

"Meghan. Your work here is quite good and thorough and your growth from the initial prelims to the finals submelled? [her handwriting is horrible] here is ENORMOUS. You should be quite pleased. I am not sure you are quite ready to take the helm of a show- my instinct says you need some more depth of understanding BUT this is excellent work deserving of an A for the book and the course. I don't generally give As if I don't think you are ready to do a show but your hard work and the development from prelims to final makes you deserving and especially considering that you aren't a stage management major. Well done! Carol."

HEHE!! Even though it basically says "Since you aren't Mason Gross I didn't think you'd do it" I was still on cloud 9 when I got my book back haha. And the fact that when she handed it to me, she remembered it was good. And the fact that when I talked to Marshall Jones, my advisor, he said Carol was telling him how good my prompt book was. Yay me!!

Pat on back. The bad news is also about me but that'll be for another time, since I'm kinda in a rush right now. Its nothing major. Its barely even bad. Ok running out. Bye.

books and jujitsu

pseudo-title: "If I let you get your hands on my heart, I know there'd be changes you would want to make. It frightens me to let down my guard. 'Cause I know how easilly a heart can break."

So... I went book shopping today. I'm taking an Old Testament class (tomorrow morning) and the books are awesome. In addition to a certain version of the Bible, I also have a book on Prophecy, and Ancient Hebrew Culture and Near East something... I'm really excited about this class, which I didn't think I would be. Of course you'll hear me complaining two weeks from now. Oh well.

Then was jujitsu. I discovered that something happens when I am annoyed with people, or worried about someone. Even though the source of my emotion is outside (the other person), for some reason, I respond inwardly. I drop my energy, and put up a wall inside. I've seen this happen a couple of times, but tonight was the only time I could really kinda put my finger on it.

So, when we did some freestyle, I was horribly frustrated with myself, because my dropped energy slowed my mental powers down, and I either did the same things over and over again, or just stopped short just before, so that I WOULDN'T do the same things over and over again. Which frustrated me more... it was one of those snowballs rolling down the mountain that just gets bigger and heavier. I wanted to stop myself, take myself out of my body, beat myself for a little bit, put myself back in, and continue with the freestyle. I think it might have helped a bit. Wouldn't have hurt much inside since... well... since it already does anyway.

*Sigh* On the upside... I had one interesting experience. I had to kiai (spirit-yell) for one of the techniques... well, I guess it should have been all of them. But... I've never done a kiai quite in that way before... it sort of felt like something. Most of the time when I kiai, its because I need to do it to protect myself (it focuses your mind and lessens the impact of a fall/technique being done to your body). This time, it was something else. I'm not trying to be morbid, but it felt like there was a trapped animal inside me... one that's been wounded... White Fang. And when I kiai-ed, I let him out of his corner, and he wasn't sure what to do with his freedom, but used the energy of springing from the trap just to sort of explode out of me... anyway, I'm not sure if that's a good way to describe how I felt.

And from here... I'm not sure where to take my blog. There's some other stuff on my mind that I can't write about. I'm worried about someone. And there's nothing I can do about it. So, the end.

The Lion King

"Kings don't need advice from little porn-films for a start."

I SWEAR thats what I heard when I was in the Rutgers bookstore today.

More on that later... I have to talk about my classes... I'm excited and not. But I'm gonna be late if I keep typing, so I'll do this later.

Quote of the Day

"I think it needs to go in my blog that Molly likes playing with your vibrator."

Tabloid special- Secrets of Meghan.. unveiled!!!

Muahaha I have abducted Meghan's computer!!!

This is Anissa. I have crashed at Meghan's place for the past 2 weeks... for no purpose other than to be a nuisance. Oh, and chauffeur Meghan around to various places (the store, dinner parties, Farva...)
Ok... so- I want everyone to know something... a secret that Meghan wants to keep from all of you.

To quote Doug:
"the quiet girls are always the baddest."
"like... Meghan?"
"yep... like Meghan. You KNOW she likes kinky stuff"

Ok there you have it. Meghan's true nature... unveiled. If you don't believe me, give her a back massage, and hear the stuff gushing from her mouth... enough to make anyone blush!!

Meghan also is a key member of the "jujitsu robot"... is an excellent chef; an even better hostess; nice to cuddle up with ( ::snickers:: it's true...) ; and is horrible at shutting up, even when she has laryngitis and tons of people threatening to roll around on the floor because of her stubborn nature.

But most of all... Meghan is a great great friend, and a true sister in Christ. She manages to portray Jesus' love without shoving it down someone's throat- a feat that many Christians cannot do! Someone who anyone can go to, even at 5:30 AM... just to vent.
And all too often she puts on her "actress face", pretends that her life is all balloons and cheese balls, and she fools almost everyone!

Almost.... but this is a "let's bust Meghan's secrets" blog entry... so, if you sense that she's hiding something, talk to her!! Or just roll around on the ground. That could work, too.


And no, I'm not sure where I got the "balloons and cheese balls" idea...

Ok, that's it. This is Anissa ______, from Meghan's Japanese-themed room, signing off
Peace
(And Meghan, if you delete this, something very bad will happen in your sleep tonight... something that involves your face and a Sharpie)

~A~

update...

So here's the deal... I had the flu. I went home, and it compounded with allergies. I came back to New Brunswick but the allergies had already done their job, so now its really bad. This little head monster can't decided if it should stay up top and be a sinus infection or drop down and be bronchitis, so its wavering at my vocal chords, which means I sound like a baby seal when I talk. Luckily though, inanimate objects can be indecisive too, so I've taken the opportunity to to be agressive and Kata Hagai it while it sits there thinking. So now I have all sorts of herbal medicines all over. But tonight, I hit a point where I tried to talk and my vocal chords just stopped vibrating, so tomorrow if I don't answer you its not because I hate you, its because if I talk, Anissa will jump on me or start pulling her hair and rolling on the floor. I'm on vocal rest. Not cause I'm a singer but because I need to talk for the rest of my life. So yeah. Don't tempt me. Its easy to talk all raspy sexy like (ROFL) and doesn't hurt when I talk, it just sounds weird. So yeah. Don't.

hehe

I've just discovered no one is ever too old to watch Reading Rainbow. :-D

And then I discovered Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon playing guitar and singing country music on CMT. Wow. (That was a good wow, not a bad wow.)

today

Lance came up to me in church today. He mentioned something about coming to school and being my bodyguard. I found that kind of amusing. I guess he doesn't know I'm in jujitsu at a mostly male dojo, where most of them ARE my bodyguards. Oh well. I didn't say anything about it. He can have his delusions of me as a pretty dainty dancer artist girl.

On another note, I hate coming home. I was recovering nicely until I came home. Now my ears hurt, which is a bad sign. I'll have my mom look in my ears with the otoscope, she'll wonder why I'm so congested, and then she won't listen when I tell her we should eat the guinea pig so I don't have to react anymore. Whatever. Kinda makes me want to stay in New Brunswick until she gets the point.

Another thing, I'm going to send an email I probably shouldn't send. Don't know how that will go over. I'll keep you posted.

Last thing before I go write up a dream I had... over the course of September through December, with modern dance, jujitsu, and stress from theater, I ended up losing a little over 5 pounds, and even through the christmas feast and cookies, I didn't gain any of it back. Last week, I got sick, my body was working extra hard to kill a virus, and I ate pretty much nothing for two days, except some broth. Apparently what I have discovered is that living on a broth diet makes you gain weight. I am now the same weight I was in September. I'm confused. My body is being weird.

Ok thats a pretty much boring update. I'll leave you now. Bye.

hell

i am having a nightmare. its called insomnia.

disclaimer: complaining and b*&^%ing ahead. stop reading if you don't want to hear it.

the scary part of it is that there are four other people in the house who are fast asleep, and i am lying here wondering why in the past seven months, i have never seen the neighbors' kitchen dark at night. are they nocturnal? are they blind and don't know its on? are they rich and looking for ways to spend money? how big is their monthly electric bill?

the other scary part is i'm so tired that my head is buzzing. its wierd, i don't know how to describe it. its not audible enough to be a sound, but its not tangible enough to be a vibration. its somewhere on the scale between the two. its kind of a dizzying feeling. i've never been high or drunk but its sorta how i would imagine it might feel. and no, despite being sick, i haven't taken any medicine either to keep me up or cause the buzzing. i have some allergy medication designed to make you drowsy, but i hate taking medicine for reasons other than its marketed use. especially when it comes to allergy problems. i don't want to take any chances that i will become immune to a medication. especially with allergy medicine. i once took benadryl so much that it stopped helping my allergies. that year was horrible, i thought i was going to die. luckily after months of not taking benadryl i was able to try it again and find that my body responds to it again. so yeah. bottom line, i can't take my allergy medicine when i'm not having allergy problems just because i can't sleep. its not like i'm allergic to sleep.

anyway, it sounds like i might be developing an ear infection. hopefully it will go away before becoming complete because i have been recovering fairly quickly. and some knots in my neck. those are interesting. even with massage they won't go away. and the reason is probably that i've been sleeping sitting up because when i'm sick i can't lie down flat.

so now that i've officially complained, i'll come up with a lame excuse like maybe its pms and then i'll go find something else to do. thanks for listening past the disclaimer. *apologies*

New Year's resolution

Heal. Grow. Live. Reach. Fly. Soar. Love it all.