shouldn't be on here

So, in theater history, I have a quiz tomorrow, on a play I haven't finished reading yet. So I really shouldn't be on here. But my brain is tired and my ankle hurts, so I'm taking a break I shouldn't be taking, to update here.

I went to Washington DC for the weekend. I had an extraordinary time. If it hadn't happened exactly the way it did, I don't think I would have had as good a time. And I got to eat at an Indian restaurant, which was good, even though I could hear Anissa's voice in my head: "Ahh, my mom could do it better, and make it cheaper..." So that was DC. And I enjoyed the company. I couldn't have asked for better, though I'm not going to let James forget that he could've come too. And should've.

It's the fourth of July, I got to see fireworks and hear Lee Greenwood on the radio, at the same time. So that was an excellent fourth of July. My housemate has a friend over, and she's a little tipsy. Not too much right now to report in terms of new developments.

Except there's something that's been on my mind lately. A couple of people have thought that a friend and I are more than friends, and I am inclined to think that it is only because this friend happens to be of the opposite gender. Its made me think... perhaps in this society, some unspoken law was written that girls and guys can't be good friends. If so, I kind of wish someone told me about this law before. That's not to imply I wouldn't still be friends with him. But sometimes its nice to know beforehand what you are getting yourself into. Now, I'm not quite sure how to reconcile the "discord" if that's what you can call it. Its not exactly discord. But it feels like that sometimes, because in one sense, I care about what my friends think of me. But at the same time, its not going to rule my life.

Anyway, I'm starting to zone out. Which means I'm starting to let my mind wander, which means I'm going to venture into uncharted territory while extremely tired, which is not a safe thing to do. I might get hurt in there. So, I'd better go back to reading. Goodnight.

yaay

First of all, I have to express my admiration for 12 grain bread.

Second of all, I have to announce and express my deep pleasure at having a working soundcard thanks to Andrew, who bought one that he didn't need, which rendered his old one also unneeded. Yaay for consumerism!

And lastly, read this:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8321110/?GT1=6657

I'm not sure I want to know how much it cost for Snapple to fail. But, to think, it was made only 15 minutes down Rt. 1. How close we are to history in the making. 200 years ago, people could've said that about the making of the Constitution. Now I'm saying that about a giant melted popsicle. Again... yaay for consumerism! Only this time my yaay was sarcastic. At least before it was genuine.

Am I being too cynical? I think its cause I'm short on sleep. I think I'll go take a nap. After a giant bowl of ice cream that was on sale. Yaay for... ok. Bye.

confession

Ok... so a really bad thing happened today. My teacher was talking about Corneille (a French playwright in the Renaissance) and about how he was offended when the French Academy didn't like his play, so he stopped writing for three years. Discussion turned to honor, and how anybody back then was willing to fight each other or die for the sake of honor, and about how there was less of that in the United States, even back then. "However," Letwin continued, "There was one famous duel in the States, can anyone tell me who was involved?"

Ok so the bad thing that happened was this... testament either to my lack of knowledge of US history, or to the fact that I'm obsessed with the 19th century western American frontier history... the first thing that popped into my head was the gunfight at the OK Corral between the Earp brothers, Doc Holliday, and the Clantons and McLaurys. Thank goodness I kept my cowgirl mouth shut. The real answer is the duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr that happened 77 years before that...

At any rate, I felt compelled to share that with whoever cares... and if blogger would let me insert aim smiley faces, I would at this point insert :-[ that one. Try it in aim, you'll see the rosey cheeks...

Random bits of nothing

Ivan suggested I do this every once in a while... so here it is. The theory on why global-warming is nothing more than a scare:

There are places on earth where exposing bare skin to the open air for even a fraction of a second will lead to frostbite. However, even in the hottest locations on earth, excluding volcanoes, there is no place where exposing bare skin to open air will lead to an instant burn, sunburn, heatstroke, etc. Therefore, the cold temperatures are more extreme than the hot temperatures, assuming that extreme can be defined in an egocentric way and that the limitations of the human body define "extreme." If the cold temperatures are more extreme then they affect the overall temperature of the earth by absorbing the heat. Therefore, the earth is not as hot as it could be. And global warming is not yet a threat. Because the earth is relatively cold. And I'm cold a lot, especially in the winter. And its all about me. Egocentric.

Having proven that the earth is cold, one can deduce that camels are physically incapable of eating strawberry poptarts. Shall I continue? Ok, so the earth is cold. Therefore its not hot. Therefore there is not enough natural heat to toast a poptart, since of course camels cannot use a toaster because they do not have fingers. And of course, you can't eat a poptart without toasting it. That would be ludicrous. So camels can't eat them. Test my theory. Have you ever seen a camel eat a toasted poptart?

Ok right... so this is totally just sad. I am avoiding reading Tartuffe, by Moliere, for Theater History. I have to go find other senseless things to do. Because I'm just not going to make it as a scientist.

...

So, I ended up going to the wake... It was odd. We got there before a lot of people arrived, so when we walked in, T almost couldn't believe we were there. It felt strange... because we're growing up. He lives in California now, teaching snowboarding. My mom talked about having a reunion some time with all the people from my class, but they'd all have to travel really far to get there. The answer to that would probably be to meet somewhere where everyone actually wants to go, like Cancun. In which case, snowboard instructors and theater majors like me wouldn't be able to go. Which would defeat the whole purpose of a reunion, if no one shows up.

Anyway, it was cool how the teachers from school were there to support him. The gym teacher, the third grade teacher, the eighth grade teacher, and the principal were there. It was cool to see how they are still involved. It must be neat to be a teacher... seeing your students grow up, knowing you have made some kind of influence in their lives.

So, that's what I did today... Yet another blast from the past. This whole weekend has been full of them.

news from home

So... I'm home for the weekend. Have you ever had one of those experiences where you come home and feel like you are being bombarded with news of things that happen while you are away? Like maybe you shouldn't have left because the stuff wouldn't pile up like that and ambush you all at once?

So anyway, here's what happened. I went to a small elementary school for 6 years. I was pretty close with all of my classmates, though now that I'm out I realize it wasn't as close as I once thought. Anyway, today I found out that T's mother died, and I feel awkward because I don't know if I should go to the funeral or wake. I spoke with another of my former classmates, who said he wasn't going. On the other hand, I did go to E's dad's funeral just after September 11. I'm having trouble deciding how loyal of a friend I'm supposed to be, after seeing someone no more than 3 times since the 8th grade.

The next bit of news is that my elementary school gym teacher was at a graduation party that I attended today. So my past is bombarding me. Her twins that I last saw when they were in diapers are now about 6 or 7 years old, and she has another daughter that I didn't know existed, who's 3. It was good to see her again. She was one of my favorite teachers. I remember once, the girls' gym class was missing almost all of the girls for some reason, and so the three remaining girls and the teacher just sat on the gym floor and played "Mandible" (ie, flap your jaw while you have girl talk). I remember she told us about how her husband proposed and we all thought it was "sooooo romantic!"

Final bit of news, also involving someone I met through my elementary school, only he also went to my church so we kept in touch and I think of him as one of my big brothers, additionally, he's engaged to my cousin. Anyway, he's been in Iraq for quite a while now (serving there for the second time) and I found out today, he is finally home, the last of my three "big brothers" who went to Iraq. So now I don't have to spend more time awake, praying and thinking about any of them, at least until the US gets involved in some other entanglement.

One more thing to say that really isn't breaking news, its just what's on my mind. I saw someone at the graduation party, and we just talked, catching up on stuff. It was the most natural thing in the world to talk, and yet felt so strange anyway. Because, in the back of my mind was the question, does he think about me the way I think about him? Does he feel like he is over it? Does he realize the distance I am beginning to put between us? How would he react if I started dating again? And yet, despite all that stuff in my head, I realized I care about him in a different way now. I will stick up for him, I will defend him with my life, if need be, the way I would with all of my friends. There's not a whole lot that sets him apart from my other friends in my mind. I still don't understand why the pain had to happen, and in some ways, the pain is still there. But its irreversible, and I think for a long time I had been hoping that the pain was only temporary. That somehow, I could go back in time. I can't. The only thing left to do is heal the pain, not pretend it had never happened. I am grateful that I can count him in my list of friends. Just friends.

God

So, I haven't been writing anything about God lately. Mostly that's because God and I are having issues... and I don't know how to lean on Him like I should. Also, I can't talk about a lot of things here, I've been writing more often and finding that the things I want to say, I can't say, because certain people read it here. But this I can say...

Yesterday, my theater history teacher was talking about the Protestant Reformation and the religious wars that resulted from it. He said, "Who here considers themselves religious or spiritual in any way?" I think I was one of the only people who raised a hand. He asked what religion, I said Protestant, he said, "If someone came up to you and told you to convert to Catholocism or be burned at the stake, what would you do?" I thought, "As if my life doesn't have enough hard choices..." But the more I thought about it, the more disturbing my answer seemed. "I would probably convert outwardly, but still have my own personal beliefs inside." It might show how much my faith means to me to say I'd choose the stake, but really, it would not have been the truth. The reason that disturbed me is it seems cowardly and unzealous. I've mentioned this before... why do Muslims take their faith seriously enough to blow themselves up for their cause? I don't see very many Protestants with that level of commitment. I suppose part of the reason for my answer is that Catholics and Protestants worship the same God. If the question had been different and completely antithetical to my beliefs, such as, "Convert to Satanism or be burned at the stake," I'd choose the stake. But its somehow disturbing to me that Catholics and Protestants have in the past been so violent towards each other, when really, they only disagree on a few points that don't have much to do with actually worshipping God.

Anyway, enough of that. Yesterday, Anissa, Andrew, Brittany, and I went to get in touch with our childhoods. We went to see a 3-D movie called The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl. It was kind of fun to think like a child again. And yet, it was sort of a laugh-at-the-humor-not-with-it kind of movie. I thought Shakespeare used a lot of puns. But this totally topped him. Still, I got a cool pair of glasses out of it.

After that we went back to my apartment to make tortellini, corn, and garlic bread. By some freak of nature, all the food finished cooking at once, so nothing was sitting on the back burner getting cold. I guess that's not really possible since anywhere on the stove is pretty warm when its in use, but... you get the idea.

After that I did some heavy thinking that got me nowhere. In the bad puns of the above-mentioned movie, I wrecked my train of thought when I burned the bridge over the stream of consciousness. Yeah that was really bad humor. I'll have to change the subject.

I went to bed and had some insane dreams. I wonder if Andrew snuck anything into the tortellini? Among other crazy insane elements of my dreams, I was pregnant and in labor, and when I had the baby, I named it Asherah, someone took it away and I didn't care (some mother I'll be someday) and a little toddler needed his diaper changed and didn't have a mother, so I grudgingly changed it, figuring that I'd need the practice, since I'd have to change Asherah a lot when who-ever-it-was gave me my baby back. And in another part of the dream, Anissa was there, speaking in German, but I could understand her because for some reason in my dreams I've always been able to understand foreign languages. And now I'm awake, and class was cancelled today because my teacher is really sick. So I'm going to go use this time to catch up on my homework. Bye!

taking a break

So... I've been taking a break from my homework all weekend with various things. Particularly a carnival, shopping, a party, and my jujitsu notebook, all of which I may comment on here.

The carnival was Andrew's brainstorm. He seems to have a lot of good ones. Andrew, James, Brittany and I went and had a good time... I did anyway, I won't speak for everyone. We did the hangliding ride, which reawakened my desire to go hangliding for real, though I hear its really expensive. Maybe if I win the lottery or something. That'll be hard since I don't buy lottery tickets. We also stood around debating the best deal on tickets, and whether or not there really was a woman with the body of a snake. We did a really spinny ride, and got good and dizzy, and I overall enjoyed myself.

Shopping was relatively non-eventful. We got a couch for the apartment. Just in time, because the housewarming party was that night. Which was also really fun, but towards the end, with the late night... something started playing with my emotions. Perhaps I just started thinking too much... and surprisingly, it was not about the past. The party was actually better than I expected, and easy on me, since I didn't have a huge hand in the planning.

Today I cleaned the apartment, since it was tidy after the party, but not really clean. Then I worked on my jujitsu notebook, because you know, that's infinitely more important than the history of Rennaissance theater. For those of you who don't know, a jujitsu notebook is a notebook where I write every new technique I learn. No one can advance to the next level in jujitsu without a notebook. I've been falling behind in copying my scribbled notes into the computer, so I did that for hours. And now I need a break from that, so I decided to write a blog entry. I may just have to start reading theater history eventually though... I'm running out of things to do.

Cyrus stopped by today. I'm sure he doesn't want me to make a big deal about his leaving, but I will anyway. He mentioned as he was headed out the door that I might not see him again before he leaves. I don't think it really sank in until that moment. I'm sure that moment was worse for other people, not 'cause I don't care about Cyrus, but because there are a lot of other people who know him better than I do. But it still leaves me kind of sad and makes me wish the earth were smaller so places would be closer together. It also makes me think of other people who are now really far away. Oregon, Michigan, Arizona, Texas, South Korea, England, Austria, Canada, Tennessee, Georgia, California, Iraq... Heaven... I kind of wish they were closer to my backyard. But anyway... I guess that's what the internet is for. Well... except Heaven. But what I meant was the internet can bring Taiwan to my bedroom. Or where ever my computer happens to be. At the moment its my bedroom.

Anyway, that's a little bit of my rambling thoughts. The rest I have to keep to myself. Can't tell you all everything in my blog. What would I have to talk about when we're together in person?

clarification

So... my last post probably didn't make any sense to you. Me either.

I had this dream. There was a bad monster who had taken over the body of a good guy. I was with a group of people and we had to kill him to, I don't know, save humanity or something like that. Somehow, I can't remember how, we did something to defeat him. As he was dying, his body began to change between what the monster looked like and what the good guy (human) looked like. He was also slowly becoming monochromatic, and his limbs were contracting until he became a small black and white ball. The last thing to be absorbed into the ball was his head, so that he could still talk to us. As he was dying, he wanted us to find a guy from Boston, and he gave us a name or initials or something. When he died, we realized he had a human son, and also that he wasn't permanently dead.

So we had to find the guy from Boston to find out how to make the monster permanently dead. We did CIA-style research and found a woman who was a school teacher and during the summer takes part in a Salem Witch Dance on the beach somewhere. The guy from Boston was a friend of hers and played a "tire-guitar" in a New Age band, that had once played music for this witch festival thing. They both knew the guy who had become the monster because it was at the festival that the change had taken place, and I think that they may have been responsible for it.

The woman tried to make the monster permanently dead by conjuring up her image and an image of the man. She was trying to use her conjured image to manipulate the past so that the man had never existed. There was an old dead tree, the sky was dark, and her image was lit with purple and blue lights and there was fog and wind... typical horror flick. I had to stop her because changing the past would mess up the present and the future. If the man never existed, then he never would have been able to have the son, and he was a perfectly innocent little boy who deserved to live, and was there with us, begging them not to do it. So I had to stop her. I, and the people I was with, had some sort of other power, and I had to put myself between her and the conjured images, and put my left hand on her eyes and my right hand on her neck.

Then somehow, she and the guy from Boston realized that it was not good to change the past, and so they were looking for ways to keep this monster dead. They turned to me because they had been trying for years to kill this thing and hadn't succeeded where I had (with my group). They brought me everything they could think of that might help, mostly charms and things the man had once touched because there was some sort of power in them. Or something. It made sense to the woman and the man, but to me, they were just objects. I picked up a grey mallet of some sort and suddenly all of the items began to vibrate. The woman screamed that the monster was coming back to life. I think that's where I woke up.

So, that's the dream I was talking about before. I think its about a lot of different things. But if you take it just as a story, pretend its not a dream, pretend its a bit of folklore or something, there's a moral involved. Don't try to change the past, don't regret the past. Its over, there's nothing you can do about it, you just have to focus on what's in front of you and what the future holds. And in my earlier mumbojumbo about the road of life, I was starting to look at what might be ahead of me and I was starting to get afraid of it, but now I know that its the only thing I really have any business looking at. I read something from a book once that "only a fool walks into the future backwards." And it makes sense. You can walk into obstacles if you are not watching where you are going.

Which makes me wonder... did I walk into an obstacle and not realize it? Or am I supposed to be here, where I am right now?

hypothetical question

Suppose I'm on the road of life and I've reached path A. Suppose also that from where I'm standing, it looks like mile marker B is near, but I can't tell because my eyesight isn't perfect. It would be an enjoyable trip to reach mile marker B, but once I've reached it, there's a good chance that there will be pain involved for 2 people who will remain unnamed and uninitialed. Logical common sense would be not to reach mile marker B. But stopping on path A, or turning off path A or turning around and running in the opposite direction would also mean pain involved for 2 people who will remain unnamed and uninitialed. So, in this supposition, who is more important, and which pain is more devastating? And where do I stop for gas? And will the person pumping the gas be mexican, chinese, or indian?

And I just had a freaky dream this morning. I wrote the above last night, and I now realize the dream might be about that. The dream was about a monster that was both good and bad, and I wished it never existed, but then I realized that if it never existed, the young and innocent son also would not exist because changing the past affects the present and the future. And the young son has a right to live and exist, so the bad guy also must exist. And now I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm late for class. I'll have to analyze my life later on. Look for a post.

kazushi kidnapping

So... Friday I was informed that I should pack because I'm getting kidnapped for the weekend. I had no idea what Andrew had in mind, but since usually no one does, that didn't bother me much. I trust him... if you held me at gunpoint and told me to guess what we were doing, I'd probably come up with something involving Sam at the shore, since it is almost summer. But that's not what happened. I've given up on trying to predict things if Andrew is in any way involved.

We went to Camden, to the Tweeter Center, to a big, all-day country music festival. It was awesome, though at times I felt a little lost because, while I love country music, I haven't been exposed to it much, or should I say, I haven't exposed myself to it much. But I still had a really good time and enjoyed the music.

The other part of the kidnapping was that the 6 of us went to dinner in Philadelphia and had dinner at an Irish pub that serves Mexican and Cajun food. I haven't had Mexican food in so long, so it was tempting, but I figured if its an Irish pub, they probably do best with their own culture's food, so I got fish and chips. It was a really good choice. Anyway, then we spent the night at Andrew's friend's apartment, trying to ignore her cat Ollie. Ollie has this problem where its absolutely horrifying to him to think that humans actually sleep at night. He spent 10 minutes keeping me awake and then would move onto the next person, and visit each of us in succession, until we gave up trying to sleep.

Anyway, it was a fun weekend. Andrew kept me on my toes the whole time because everything was on a need-to-know basis. I'm usually not good with spontaneous, not figuring stuff out before hand kinds of events, but I managed it ok and I'm still alive and I did enjoy myself a lot. I think the mystery of it was a big reason. Mystery is fun if you're not totally stumped. Anyway, I had a good time.

It was good not to think about other stuff this weekend. I've had a lot on my mind lately, and actually, when I came back, I sat down and wrote a 12-page journal entry which helped me clear my head even more. Maybe I'll tell you all about it sometime. Maybe not. We'll see. Anyway, I gotta go back to my apartment. I still don't have internet, so you might not see a new post for a while, since it involves a trek to the library, only at certain hours, etc. Anyway, ciao a tutti!

trying to make this short

Ok so I'm trying to make this short, since I'm getting up early tomorrow, and I'm staying with Anissa, and I'm on her computer. This weekend was amazing. Thanks to Cyrus, Anissa, and Andrew who came over and helped me avoid packing. We made pizza and sundaes and did all sorts of cool stuff. Then on the last night of the Power Team, I went for the 4th time and watched them do their stuff. It was different from the other nights (as they promised), but it was alike enough that I was able to let my mind wander.

I realized that the one guy on the Power Team, Matt, is 23. That's a little over two years older than I. That means, here's a guy who is in full time ministry, doing something he feels God has called him to do, and touching people's lives in ways I could only dream of doing. It makes me kind of feel like a slacker. I mean, I know, I'm making a difference at college, and I know I would wherever I go, but I still feel like I should be stepping towards that one thing God must have created me for, that ultimate purpose. I just don't know what it is yet. Its making me a little impatient. Patience isn't really a strong point for me.

But I gotta cut this short. Today at jujitsu, we did trust falls. Last time I did them, I got dropped in the mud. No effort whatsoever on my catchers' parts. Just drop. So it was definitely a stretch for me. But it was such an amazing feeling to just completely let go. We did more than just your average trust fall. We did lean-off-a-balcony-and-let-go kinds of falls. And I discovered why Cyrus said something along these lines once: "Sometimes with jujitsu, I have to just let go of the thought that I'm gonna die, and do what needs to be done." Cyrus, if you read this, I probably horribly misquoted you. Sorry. But anyway, I discovered why he said that tonight. You totally can't do jujitsu trust if you are thinking about the fear or the height or the people. You have to let go.

And that's going to lead me down memory lane. I've had an object lesson similar to that presented to me in the past, about jumping off cliffs. Tonight... there's not so much regret anymore. I'm glad I jumped then. And I'm glad I let go tonight. Like I've said before, what happens physically often happens spiritually as well. For me anyway. I think for a lot of other people too, but not very many people notice it. Anyhow... bottom line tonight, I'm glad we worked on jujitsu trust. It felt closer somehow.

And now, I'm tired. I should go to bed. Goodnight.

powerteam

K... this morning I got up at the buttcrack of dawn because my mom signed me up with a driving school... I guess cause it lowers insurance or something. So sleep or the lack thereof was a big influencer in my mood. And the rain... weather always influences my mood too. And I'm pms-y. Sorry I know I have guys who read this too... but at the moment I don't care. And I spent the day "substitute" tutoring Krystal because my mom was exhausted and fell asleep, and Krystal needed to learn her division. So by 5:30, I was about ready to push everyone out of the house into the rain, starting with Krystal, lock the doors, and listen to Michael Buble sing Moondance on repeat for hours.

Instead, I got in the car with my mom and Krystal and my brother and we went to church to help set up for the Power Team. Or rather... my brother was helping, my mom was doing ushering, and I was trying to keep up with Krystal (what was that conversation we had the other day about quantum leaps? something about electrons that are so energized they go from point A to point B without ever being anywhere in between... yeah Krystal did that a couple of times today).

Finally, the Power Team started their thing. I sat in the second to last row to watch. The first thing they did involved pyrotechnics... and as I predicted, our stage is not made for that, probably not the foundation either, because I could feel the tremor when they dropped the tree trunk (2nd to last row). I was a little aggravated... I consider it my stage, since I'm the only one who remembers performing on it in a full-length show. Also as predicted, the curtains caught fire. Not big, just sort of smoldering... I didn't even see it, my brother told me because he was backstage. His job was removing cinderblocks and broken bricks. Anyway... the breaking, bending, folding, ripping, popping, and blowing up was pretty cool... and they said each show will have different stunts, using a car analogy, tonight was first gear. Tomorrow is second, etc... not that they will do the stunts faster... just, cooler. These guys did dangerous things that very few other people could do. And one of them holds five world records and used to wrestle with WWF. I think tonight I heard "don't try this at home" more times than I have ever heard in my life. And they're huge. I mean, we've got some fairly big guys in jujitsu. I'm 5'8" and the 4 jujitsu guys in this picture are all taller than I am, and are pretty well built:



Next to the Power Team, Scott (above, next to Erica) is a dwarf. Its a little freaky actually. Jujitsu is all about gentleness. You can be unconscious before you are even aware that your opponent is about to kill you. These guys are not gentle. If they wanted to kill you, be sure they can't get their bare hands on your skull to crush it.

So... I'm typing all this stuff to make it sound cool... but you've probably noticed its a little dry and I'm not gushing over them. This is because there is no feat of strength or power or might that will impress a pms-y woman. And that's that. There are still 4 more shows of the Power Team. You all still have a chance to see them. I guarantee that unless you are pms-y, you will have a great time.

...

BOO!

Did I scare ya?

church

So... I went to the once-a-month-night service at my church. They like to call it a school of prophecy, but that's not always what it is. Sometimes God makes other plans and we go along with them, 'cause... well, He's God.

Anyway, remember that guy a while back who I had seen at church a little, but never really knew who he was, and then one day he came up to me and said God told him he should come tell me something? Well, I've spoken with that guy a couple of times now, and its odd, but we never have just regular conversation. Its always him telling me what God has to say to me. And its always exactly what I need to hear from God.

So, today, I was sitting there feeling a little off, spiritually. I wasn't really getting into it. There were a bunch of activities going on, and I was just sitting there asking God why I came because there was just something blocking me. They were praying for people, and specifically they said they were praying for emotional healing, which I need. The other day I curled up on the couch to take a nap and instead I spent it crying to God about the past. So I sat there, wondering if I was going to cry again. I was telling God I want the memories to stop hurting. I want to keep the memories and cherish them, I just want them to stop hurting. "Do I really want to get over him? Doing that would mean giving up my hopes and dreams I once had. Getting over him would mean we weren't right for each other when once I thought we were. It would mean I'd have to sacrifice the hope I had for the future.

Then, I felt that tap on the shoulder. It was the messenger guy. "God wants me to tell you that He doesn't want you to be lonely. When you're feeling down, ask Him, He'll give you a hug whenever you need it." He stood up to leave. He's always short and to the point. "Oh, and one more thing. Don't you worry about who God has for you to marry. The perfect guy will come along just for you."

That one hit me like a train.

And I just tried a bunch of different ways to describe how I felt right then, and none of them fits. It was a good feeling to know God cares about me.

Anyway, after that I prayed for friends. And it was good. I didn't expect the kind of night I had, but it was not a bad night.

random entry

This is random... cause I have no homework telling me not to.

I saw a commercial the other day. It started with a girl on horseback, riding along a tropical beach that was obviously the West coast because it was sunset. Not sunrise, because its a scientific fact that sunset is always more vivid than sunrise. Anyway, following the image of the horsegirl was a girl jumping off a cliff into tropical paradise waters. Following that was a bunch of girls happily running along the beach, splashing in the water wearing sexy bathing suits. Then comes the voiceover that tells you what product is being advertised. Can you guess? Not a travel ad, or an ad telling you to come to Hawaii, but this: "Venus razors. The only razor that can make a woman feel alive. Venus. Be a goddess today."

Ok... I don't use Venus razors, so I'm not an expert. But it is my firm belief that there is no possible way a razor can make a person "feel alive." That's a stupid phrase. How do you actually feel alive anyway? Breathing, eating, sleeping, feeling your heart beating, that's not enough to make you feel alive? You have to have a razor to do that? Riding a horse on the beach at sunset. That's a nice image. I'd like to try it some day. But how does a razor make me feel like I am riding a horse? That makes no sense.

I can just imagine what they will come up with next.

"Sweetie, we're going to be late, lets go."
"I know honey, but I just got this new Gillette and I want to finish driving the Chevy down the mountain."

There's no correlation between the two, unless they've invented a razor that can sense when it is being used, and has a computer chip to send electrical impulses that can manipulate brain waves and evoke happy images of beaches, horses, and sunsets.

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. Its completely random. It has no substance. It was fun to write.

Episode III

So... whoever reads this, your lives would not be complete if you did not hear a full theatric perspective on the new Star Wars movie from yours truly. And if you already feel your life is complete without my comments, well... I'm the new emperor. I've decreed that your life is no longer complete without my comments. If you don't like it, there's a little X in the top right corner of your screen that will help you out.

So... as the movie began and the summary was scrolling down the screen to the tune of John Williams' fabulous music, I had a sudden flash. "Oh no! I can't remember the first two movies!" Then I thought of the comment in Anissa's profile where her friend says, "your not missing all that much honestly. some badly written stuff happens, anikin is a whiny SOB and thats about it." When I thought of that, somehow the plot slowly started piecing together in my mind, so I wasn't too concerned.

I will admit, I was impressed with it. I was a pretty big fan of the original trilogy, and a while ago, I did buy the published script of Episode I. And the soundtrack. But the novelty wore off a few years ago, and I'm just an average viewer of Star Wars now. But I was definitely on the edge of my seat a lot, through the whole movie. So that was a good thing.

My first reaction as the end credits started scrolling was,

***Spoiler below here***

"Well done, Mr. Lucas. You've successfully borrowed imagery from Lord of the Rings. Imitation is the highest form of flattery, so I and the other LOTR freaks out there salute you." If you don't believe me, go watch the last desperate struggle between good and evil both fighting for power in the depths of an angry volcano, so deep its clearly impossible for either character to get sufficient oxygen, and yet they do, because the volcano is somehow vital to the story. Notice I didn't state which movie I was talking about, because they are the same. Still, that doesn't make it a bad movie.

***End of spoiler***

My next reaction was "Why do all the awesome roles go to the guys?" Think about it. Hayden Christiansen got an amazing, fun, challenging role. Think of other movies you've seen. Boromir... an actor's dream role. At least, my dream role if I were a guy. Che from Evita. Christian from Moulin Rouge. And all the girls get to do is appear to the guys in blinding flashes of light and say, "I'm Arwen, I'm here to look sexy and heal you." Or in Natalie Portman's case, "Ani, I'm pregnant." Speaking of which... that was an awkward scene. George Lucas had the right idea in the original trilogy... no love scenes. Cause geeks aren't good at writing love scenes. Not neccessarily because they have no experience. I just think its something genetic. Anyway, theater major's comments... I tend to rip a movie to shreds even when I loved it. Hayden Christiansen did very well. He was awful as a good guy, but as soon as Vader started showing up in his eyes, that was when I gained a whole new respect for him as an actor.

And lastly, I felt a bit rushed. All the missing links between the two trilogies were filled in at the last second, when they had two whole hours when they could've done that. Not to mention two whole movies before this one. They didn't have to save it all for the end. But I guess its more theatric that way. Ooh theatrics I just remembered that one scene where I thought my heart was going to rip to shreds. I'm not going to put another spoiler in, but there's a scene with Jedi, and some kids, and Anikin/Vader and its really intense, very well done, and probably the best scene in the whole of the new trilogy. From my point of view. I like heart wrencher stuff.

Anyway, that's my opinion. If you haven't seen it, it was worth the $8 movie ticket. If I want to see it again though, I'll probably wait for it to come out at Blockbuster. There. Now everyone's life is complete.

dream

This is for Cyrus... dreams interest him. Like me. I love dreams.

I didn't have any significant, memorable dreams for about a month and a half, which is highly unusual for me. This morning, I dreamed that I was with a bunch of people from my past (though some were current friends as well). Somehow, we were sent to another world. At first glance, this other world was just like our current world, but there were subtle differences that we had to look for. There was no one who was native to this other world, only one girl. All the rest had somehow been transported there. Some of the inhabitants were only images, like mirages. So they didn't count as natives either. The major difference is that when someone from our world was brought to this new world, they would appear as they really are on the inside. For instance, some people are full grown, but act childish. So in the new world, they would actually be children. So I could be meeting someone in the new world who is my friend, but have no idea it was them because they would look different. This also means border-line horror film, because some people in our world are dead on the inside, or have horrible scars, that in the new world would translate to walking dead people, and other grotesque features.

I was brought to the world alone, but I knew that at the same time, there were other people that I knew who were being brought to the world. I knew there were some people from my elementary school, like B.C., and some people from my church, and some that I'm currently friends with, such as S.N. Also, K.G. was there, but I'm not sure if this person is a current friend or part of my past. Probably somewhere in between. I remember looking for M.C. from my elementary school, but I couldn't find her. Perhaps this was because she looked very different from the way she looks in our normal world.

After milling around a bit, and finding each other, everyone in this new world gathered in the woods for a campfire, except the one native inhabitant. I don't think the meeting applied to her. There was a religious leader (I don't know if I should call him priest, pastor, or what because I don't know what religion it was) who got up to do some sort of religious service. It sort of resembled a Catholic Mass, but slightly different, enough to make me feel uncomfortable that I didn't know what was happening. It was in another language too I think, which is unusual, because usually when there are foreign languages in my dreams, there's no language barrier; I can understand what is being said even when its in another language. In this dream, I was lost. I had no clue what they were saying.

At a certain spot, the leader stopped, and I felt like the people gathered were supposed to say "amen" or something. I was in a balcony area with some people I knew, and I sensed they also felt the same thing. I think it was on the tips of all our tongues, when the other people around the campfire began chanting and bowing. Since we didn't know the words, the people around me just said "amen" anyway.

I was standing next to S.N. and we were on the lowest rung of the balcony railing. It was wobbly, so I took her hand and we hung on to each other for balance. K.G. came up between us, and took my hand away from S.N. I had a flash of nostalgia, and the memory of my past hurt a little. I pulled away and went to the edge of the balcony where the stairs were (my left if I'm facing the campfire). I sat down on the stairs and put my head in my lap, with every intention to cry, but no tears came.

I heard a voice near the campfire, and I looked up. It turns out that this other world was a virtual reality computer program, and the guy who wrote it was at the campfire talking about it. As he talked, we were brought back into our world again. Then I woke up.

I just wanted to put this dream here, because its been on my mind all day. Well, not all day. But its on my mind now. Its the first dream after 40 dreamless days, and I want to know what it means. I'm getting the sense that its about people I need to forgive. And other stuff. I don't know. This dream has me stumped. All I can say is, I hope the part about having no more tears left happens for real. I'm tired of the pangs of nostalgia, I'm tired of crying about it. As tired as I am though, I don't know if I want to let go.

So... that's my dream, and some comments on it. Anyone want to add anything?

confession

I'm a soft American.

A rare occurence for me, this post is slightly political in nature. Usually I avoid politics in general. But Anissa sent me this article and its made me think.

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050516/ap_on_re_us/newsweek_quran

Sorry to let some of my more political friends down, but I'm not going to debate it. I'm going to state my reaction, which, because of who I am, will naturally take a religious twist.

I'm a soft, complacent American. I don't have a clue, because even America's homeless are better fed than some people in the world. I don't know what its like to live in constant fear for my life, in constant fear that someone will discover my religious beliefs. As hard as it is to be daily surrounded by people at school who don't understand or give a darn why religion is so embedded in my life, this is cookies with sprinkles compared to people who are persecuted for it elsewhere. It raises questions in me.

What is it about Islam that makes its followers so zealous? Why is it that they hold holy things as holy, the way they should be, sacred? Why don't I see American Christians give more respect to their HOLY Scripture? Why have I seen the Bible tossed on the floor, kicked, buried under piles of other things in a person's bedroom? I know that same fervor is in there, somewhere. But what is it about the Middle Eastern countries that their people can dig into their hearts and find that fire, that holy fervor for sacred things that I think some people in America (I at least) have been too lazy to dig for? I know its there, somewhere, in my heart. But I've lost that flame somewhere along the line. And its bothering me tonight.

amazing...

Before I mention anything about today, let me just say that last night, my parents decided we were going to have a family dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant in Ringwood, to celebrate my completion of my junior year, and thus, my being a senior. Which of course makes me feel old. It was incredibly fun; I don't think I've laughed that hard with my family in a long time. We talked/debated about everything from polar ice caps to jujitsu to human intelliegence (or lack thereof) to just making fun of me in general. I don't think I've gotten picked on like that in a while (in jest of course). One of the things we debated was jujitsu. My brother is convinced that a black belt in karate could kill a black belt in jujitsu because (according to one of his best friends) karate focuses on how to kill, whereas jujitsu teaches how to kill, how to be gentle, how to heal, how to have morals, and how to apply it to everyday life. He sees these things as one of jujitsu's flaws, however, I'm of the opinion that these things are precisely what makes jujitsu the superior art. Karate may be called a martial art, but if all you learn is how to be a killing machine, its not an art at all, because there's no finesse. If karate is what my brother says it is, then its essentially the opposite end of the spectrum from something like capoeira, which seems to be more art and less martial. Jujitsu seems to be a perfect balance of the two. But since I've never practiced a martial art besides jujitsu, I don't really have much to compare with, so I don't know. At any rate, it was an extremely fun night, especially because I have just completed all of my requirements for my Italian minor, and it was fun to translate the items on the menu.

On to today... I've been cleaning my room, big time. I had no idea I was such a pack-rat. I have this ability to make things appear neat and orderly, when really its a whole lot of crap that needs to be thrown out. I had to stop because my allergies were starting to react to the dust. My room for some reason attracts bugs every year, different species, depending on the year. This year, its those huge crunchy ants, and I've been smashing them with a soccerball. Ant poison would probably be more effective, but the soccer ball is more fun. Anyway, I've been watching this one ant for over an hour now. He discovered a fellow ant that had fallen prey to my soccer ball, and he decided to pick his buddy up and take him back to the nest. The only thing is, I think he lost his way, because he's been circling my room for quite a long time now, and he's been pretty much everywhere at least twice. At one point, he even put his buddy down and walked around to try and get his bearings, then came back for his dead friend. I now know why Jesus gave that parable in the Bible about being diligent like an ant. Think of the stuff that could get done if everyone just kept trying their hardest at things instead of giving up halfway.

Anyway, my sudafed has begun to take effect, so perhaps now would be a good time to keep cleaning. I'm trying to get my desk empty so I can bring it to New Brunswick when I move into the apartment. Which I am beginning to be more excited about now that school is out.

lots of stuff

Soooo... my roommate moved out yesterday, so when I came in from my last exam her side was all empty. Which left me kind of lost... because she's graduating, and it drove home the fact that with classes over, I'm technically a senior now and it makes me feel weird. Then Andrew came to take my stuff, since I had to be out of the dorm at 10 today and my mom wasn't coming until tonight. So pretty much, I was left in my room with a blanket, pajamas, and my backpack and jujitsu bag. No computer, no books, no homework taking up my time. And no roommate to talk to. Which, at first was a very startling experience, because it has been a long time since I willingly put myself in that position. At least this time, I was not 3000 miles from home in a country whose language was not my native one. New Brunswick hasn't felt like 3000 miles from home in a while either... though there are days... especially when NB feels like a country whose language is not my native one...

Anyway, I didn't know what to do. It made me realize that despite my feeble attempts at getting closer to God, I've really been distracting myself from Him. It explains my choice to take 18 credits... why else would I do that to myself? So, for a while, I filled the aching silence with music, but it made me notice the pain even more, so I sat on my bed and said... "Ok... I'm going to see what happens when I don't try to distract myself." I sat there in silence, and then the words just started coming. I told God all the things I've wanted to tell Him for so long, but they were things I've been avoiding, because if I don't think about them, somehow, I can deny they exist. I yelled, I vented, I complained. I didn't realize I had that hurt there, and I noticed bitterness too. I didn't know that was there. It felt good to give it to God.

So, I finally went to sleep, and woke up, and put all my stuff on my back like a hobo and left Jameson D-1, room 213, forever. My last night in a dorm... my last night with shower shoes. Perhaps a little melancholy. But living in an apartment next year is going to be awesome. Anyway, I woke up refreshed after the offloading I did the night before. I was quiet, subdued, as if I had resigned myself to exploring my inner emotions again. I then spent 8 hours reading my Bible in the student center, also something I haven't done in a while... yes, I have done that before, also in complete solitude like today. It was surprising. Have you ever read a story that was started by one person but finished by another? Or several others, like those campfire games where someone starts a line and then each person adds an element to it? The story usually ends up extremely funny, or extremely disturbing, because several creative imaginations all put together will come up with differing ideas, because the minds are all going in different directions. My surprise came today when I realized that the Bible is not like that. Yes it is written by many different people, but the loose ends are still tied up neatly, and the same themes run through it. I felt, as I read, that I was admiring a masterpiece, almost like seeing it for the first time. I didn't expect to get that out of it.

Then I went to jujitsu, where Andrew Slave Driver had me doing Nage the whole night... for those of you who don't know, Nage is the list of throws we do. Yeah, same thing as Tuesday night, the night I got thrown on my head. I'm becoming a great advertisement for jujitsu... "Join jujitsu, its safe as long as you have an injury. Once you heal, they beat you up." Anyway, I was extremely happy to be doing throws again, and my leg feels wonderful. Andrew has a different teaching style from the others... I mean, its definitely a good thing to learn from more than one person, but when Andrew is the teacher, I feel I use more of my body and get all the little tips and pointers at once, instead of gradual... perhaps I just learn better when I'm bombarded with information, I don't know. Though Cyrus has a way with words, too. And Scott has a sense of humor... see, everyone's a good teacher. But the masochist in me seems to fit well with "slave driver."

After that I went out and had pizza hot enough to burn a hole through my palette and into my olfactory cavity. Hehe, a big word and I didn't even have to Google it! If you've ever eaten pizza with a huge burn in your mouth... well I tried not to think about what was happening in my mouth. I'm not gonna talk about it here. But it was kind of gross. Now I'm home and my whole body aches because it got used today. And I'm happy because I had a bit of an emotional spring cleaning. I'm gonna sleep well tonight I think. Goodnight.

totally not what should be doing

So... I had my last meeting with the fourth graders today teaching creative dramatics. I'm kind of sad and kind of glad to be done. They were rowdy last week, and the teacher yelled at them in Spanish. Today they acted like whipped puppies, and my partner, who is fluent in Spanish, explained that the teacher had given them the classic hispanic guilt trip, "You are the worst class ever, you can't do anything right, you better not cry when I call your parents." I almost wish I could have them permanently, as my students so that I could tell them they're using their imaginations perfectly, and they are great actors, and they are doing fine.

Tomorrow I have a meteorology exam, which I should be studying for right now. But my concentration is a little off, and I'm really tired. So I'm doing this instead hahaha. I went to jujitsu tonight, and ever since the picnic, my leg has felt nice and I was really looking forward to doing some throws and falls tonight. Then, my leg started getting tired and someone did a throw wrong and threw me on my head. So, neither my head nor my neck nor my leg was very happy with that turn of events, so I sat out again. Still, I'm incredibly happy I at least got to do a couple of the throws. Now my neck is a little stiff (but there's a possiblity that is due to the amount of time I have spent hunched over my comp sci notes) and its making me tired (but there's a possibility that is due to the amount of sleep I have not been getting in the past... week or so). So that explains why my concentration is a bit off.

On a side note, I thought I was healing. But it turns out, I was just burying it under a lot of schoolwork and social activity. Now that everything related to college life is winding down for the summer, the layers of distracting bandaids are starting to come off, and its not pretty underneath. I really gotta work on that. I think I am making progress though. Pretty soon, a good portion of the reminders will be gone... hopefully it will be out of sight, out of mind, out of heart. I'll be on my own again. No more ghosts and phantom pain. The question is, do I really want that? And is it really good for me? What exactly is God's plan in all of this? Why did it happen? I don't know.

Well, yeah... time for me to get back to reading about the El Niño effect. The only reading assigned for the class and I'm doing it the night before the final. I'm such a good student...

sooo tired

Hip hip hooray for 5 am runs to the Omega Diner with dear friends who also did not sleep last night (great idea, Anissa! and thanks chauffeur Cyrus! ;-P). That's what college is all about. I have an exam in approximately an hour and 40 minutes. I was up all night trying to comprehend it, as well as also running virus scans on my computer, which for some reason has slowed tremendously since last week. At the diner, Andrew saved my life because he explained True Basic arrays to me, which made my respect for him go up three notches because not only was he up all night at the volunteer first aid squad, he also appeared fully functional and capable of logical thinking at 6 am, and was capable of inspiring another person (me) to think logically as well and to understand what the heck he was talking about. I got back to my dorm and discovered my computer was still running a virus scan... so I showered and took a 4-hour nap. Finally my computer was done and reported 136 bad files on my computer. Where they came from I have no idea, unless the little gremlins under my bed use my computer for porn when I'm not watching. Though I think if I had little gremlins putting porn on my computer, it would be a lot more than 136 bad files. One of those files apparently had been accessed over 3000 times, which means its probably a good thing I haven't bought anything online recently with my credit card number. Anyway, this is useless rambling because I haven't had enough sleep. But I had a great time in the early morning hours, even though it may not have appeared like it (I was pretty much incapable of both blinking and coherent dialogue.). We should do that again sometime after exams are done, because blinking and coherent dialogue are no fun... but I think next time it should also involve Sam and beach jujitsu. Ok, I really should go finish studying. Bye.

*EDIT:* I took my test, and discovered that both of the long programs I had to write involved arrays, so the more time that passed in the test, the more I appreciated this morning's events. I left a couple of things blank, so my highest possible grade is a 190 out of 200, and there's a good chance that my actual grade will be very close to that, since I felt very confident in most of the rest of the stuff. I feel like I should get a copy of that program I wrote and frame it and sell it to the museum of modern art. Or if not that, I should at least shower Andrew with misshapen flowers. Ok, see that last sentence? That is evidence that its time to take a nap. And then start studying for the next exam.

i'm tired

So... the jujitsu club had a picnic today and invited the capoeira club, so it was cool to see them do their stuff. And to see our people do our stuff. I've never seen Scott and Rod and Andrew do freestyle before.

My mom came late, which is to be expected, but she brought Brittany which is great because I haven't seen Brit in forever. But... she tried to untie my obi (jujitsu belt), so of course that led to some physical stuff, which was cool because we haven't done any wrestling in a while. I felt okay doing it... but as I was flying through the air I heard Cyrus and Andrew say in unison "Oh! Oh! The leg!" Which was when it dawned on me that landing might hurt. Surprisingly, it didn't at all, but now I can feel the muscles getting shorter and clenchier as I type. But there's no pain... I think, in part, my muscles are happy being used again. I was doing a little stretching last night and realized I'm not as limber as I was a few weeks ago, because I haven't been exercising my legs as much. So, yeah... I have some happy, tired muscles to go with my happy tired body... tired because I for some reason woke up without an alarm today after only 4 hours of sleep. I think my body somehow knew the electricity was out and my alarm wasn't going to go off.

Anyway... I'm just happy. I got to see my best friend... and I got to spend the day with my jujitsu friends... and I got to see my mom and brother... and the weatherman was wrong when he said rain. So I'm happy all around. And my leg is happy.

But my happy self needs a nap. And a shower. But that's not as pressing a need. Bye.

guess what?

For a change of pace, I thought I'd write about jujitsu.

The gym is closed for exams, so we met at the 2nd reformed church down the street. Its the one that always chimes the hour, which I love. So, special news today: I'm officially not the lowest ranking colored belt anymore. So that's cool. Congratulations to Allan and Chris, who I'm sure don't read this anyway. It was interesting watching their promotions, since now I'm sort of on the other side of it. And it was really cool because, for me anyway, there was something special about learning a martial art in the shadow of a church steeple. My church doesn't have a steeple, so I've always had a sort of awe for them... something about the way they always strive to be closer to the sky, as if one day they will poke through and reach the heavens beyond. Anyway, when the promotion began, I felt... well, it felt like my senses suddenly became extremely sensitive to the presence of God. That means that either I had something at that moment that God wanted me to learn (that I'm not really catching on to) or that someone in the group is really good at inviting Him to come and join us. I won't say too much more about that, but it did make me think about my promotion to blue belt, and how I said something very similar during that entry in my blog. I think perhaps when I have my quiet time tonight, I will learn something about all this.

Leg update, so no one has to ask. On Tuesday at jujitsu, I could take falls on the other side (the non-injured side), and do some rolls, but I paid for my activity on Wednesday. Now its Thursday, and I took it easy and didn't do any falls except the easy, gentle "magic throw." At the moment, there is a lot of heat coming from the muscle that Google calls gracilis and it sort of feels like a thick bungee cord... not at all like a muscle. But I'm not in pain, so I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Lastly, I learned two things today. Or rather, re-learned. 1. Foot-in-mouth doesn't taste so good, in fact it has the potential to send a sharp pain into my heart. 2. My friends are incredible, and its been a while since I've felt comraderie like I have in the past couple of months. In fact its been a long while. It has made this semester which I thought I was going to hate (and in fact did hate for a long time) completely worth the trouble and one of the more enjoyable ones. When I started my junior year, it appeared that it was going to be very dreary... and lonely. And it was for a while. I focused on all of my class requirements for graduation, tried to drown my aching heart in a busy schedule, and slowly watched myself lose contact with a good friend, knowing there's nothing I can do about it. Then, something happened. I think it was spring in my heart (closely corresponding with the coming of spring to New Brunswick) and somehow, the bittersweet memories I usually associate with spring took the background, and I stopped stressing over my schedule, and I got to know my friends better, and most important, God taught me some vital lessons. And over all, I'm ending my junior year with a very peaceful, contented attitude.

And I had no idea I was going to think that deeply tonight. Now that I'm coming up for air... I'm realizing how late it is and I think I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight.

tossed salad

Hmm... Happy birthday to my brother. It was right about this time of night, 17 years ago, that Dad pulled me out of my warm snuggly bed, and said, "Come on, we're going for a ride." I don't remember much else except waiting with a friend of Mom's, playing a game with little plastic apples, and then being lifted up to see you, a squirming bundle of baby and afterbirth on on the table between Mom's legs. What my parents were possibly thinking when they did that to their not-quite-four-year-old daughter, I'm not really sure. But I'm glad your looks have improved since then. Hmmm... also a congratulations is in order: this is your first birthday where you are taller than I am.

Okay that's about it for the sentimental stuff. As usual, I'm going to write about jujitsu. I think to the outsider's perspective, this means I am completely obsessed with jujitsu. But not really. I just think about it 80% of the time. Haha, just kidding. I wouldn't know percentages, I'm horrible at them. Anyway, today was the first time as a blue belt that I really got to help teach the white belts and give input and feedback. It was really interesting because I learned so much from it. I understood the concept before that: the senior students teach the junior students, black belts included, so the teachers are students themselves, and learn from it as well. But I didn't really grasp how much I would actually learn doing that until it happened tonight. It was pretty cool.

The other thing that happened was what happens every week: jujitsu continues at the student center over dinner, where we talk about pretty much everything. Almost everyone is in CA it seems, so for quite a while, it was just Sam and myself. We were both avoiding studying/papers, so naturally, we took every possible opportunity to keep talking hahaha. It was nice getting to know Sam better, especially 'cause it was in person instead of on IM. It made me realize how close-knit the jujitsu group is: I've had deep, third-level conversations with almost all of the members that show up predictably. I don't think I've made these kinds of friends at Rutgers in my three years here, with the exception of my roommate, and the 8 AM Warriors (they know who they are). These are the type of people that make you really cherish your time in college, rather than just survive it.

Anyway... one more thing before I go. My church had a guest speaker today, who was passing through on his way from New Hampshire to Orlando. After he spoke, he went through and prayed for people individually if they wanted it. So when he got to me, he said something before he started praying. He said (he was born in Harlem, raised in Brooklyn), "You, girl, you're a pony, but you're gonna grow up to be a stallion. You jus' a warrior in trainin' right now, but, HEE HEE HEE, when you become a warrior, HOO, you're gonna be a warrior!" And then he started his prayer. I thought it was cool how God could use a simple message of encouragement to really touch my heart the way that did. It just did something in me, and sort of lit a little spark, made me excited about the future, I guess because it kind of made me curious to see what's going to happen.

Anyway, that's the tossed salad of my thoughts right now. I suppose I ought to go study for my test tomorrow, now that I've got my thoughts out here. Doubt I will though hahaha. Goodnight!

i think i need to sleep more.

This is my current aim away message:

so... did you know that prolonged sleep deprivation leads to a decrease in the quality of your eyesight, as well as a diminishing ability to maintain body temperature? not like i know that from personal experience or anything...

And that's all I have to say about that. Now, all my major projects are done for a while, so I can go to bed at a civilized time again, since I have to wake up at 8:30 every morning, regardless of how late I'm up.

But anyway... being up late led to a conversation with a friend who is also up late a lot, and that conversation got me thinking about prayer. I realized how much trust is involved, and I didn't realize it until today. I mean, I had last week's craziness, and this week's sleeplessness, to teach me a little bit more about telling God what's going on in my life and trusting that I'm not going to lose my mind, trusting God to keep me sane. But I guess, now that its Thursday and my classes are over for the week, and I can look back on the past two weeks, its easier to see the trust involved than when I'm actually struggling through it. So that's what I realized today. Talking to God about stuff involves trust that He's listening.

To top it off, God started answering this one prayer I have, and its really cool to see how things are moving along.

And in a way, its a good thing I'm sleep deprived today, because if I weren't, I'd probably be having some bittersweet memories. Sleep deprivation stunts emotion, so my current memories have no adjective in front of them. Today should have been a bad day for me, but it hasn't been. Still, I enjoy emotions, good or bad, so I think I'm going to go try and retrieve them by taking a nap.

Easter

Its probably not a good idea for me to post something about my day until the day is complete, because other stuff is bound to happen, especially since I'm about to go visit relatives, and that's always a blast... insert sarcasm here. I love my relatives... sort of. But they don't seem to want to have anything to do with me, especially since my parents have has all sorts of bad tally marks against them too. We're the black sheep, I guess. My dad decided not to follow everyone else's footsteps down the road of the teachers, doctors, and engineers. Instead, he chose computer programming, which in the 70s was the stupidest career choice ever, because the computer phase was going to die down in a little while anyway. Ha. Then he married my mom, who 1) breastfed her children 2) doesn't eat meat 3) never went to college or had a career besides parenting and 4) is "religious". All of which are viewed as unnatural and unnecessary for a "functional" way of life on that side of the family. So, its no wonder that they don't really have anything meaningful to say to me or my brother, especially since I'm a theater major (aka thats-not-a-real-major-what-are-you-really-going-to-do-with-your-life). Anyway, now I feel guilty for complaining about it before we actually go to my aunt's house. But in a way, it saved me from having to repost this entry later tonight. The same thing happens every year on every holiday, so if you really want to know, read what I said at Christmas. Don't forget about the 5 cats, which apparently I have developed allergies to.

Anyway, on the lighter side, I wanted to write about church. What else is new? It seems I've been doing a lot of that lately, but that's because God is real and active, and while church at times is stupid and boring, God's still exciting, and that's why I still go to church. Anyway... I'm low on sleep so I seem to be prone to tangents. I wanted to write that today someone prayed for me, and it was a special, refreshing prayer, and it was the type of prayer that makes a person all excited inside, because they can just feel in their bones that something amazing is going to happen in the next few weeks and months. Anyway, that left me really refreshed, so I had a nice Sunday. As for a nice Easter, well I know its supposed to be extremely special and meaningful (if you wanna know the meaning, ask) but in addition to all the good stuff associated with today, I've also collected a nice set of bittersweet memories, which I've been burying so far, but which may resurface at some point before the night is over. But mainly, it was a nice Sunday, and God is exciting, and that's what I wanted to say.

good friday and other stuff

So, remember how I sort of had a horrible week this past week? On Thursday, the day on which I have four exhausting classes and usually stress out, I was not stressed at all. I was still pretty tired, but I felt God holding me and saying, its ok. You're going to be alright. This week is almost over, just stick through it. So I did. Plus, I had lunch with Anissa, and it helped to talk to her. I went to Chi Alpha on Thursday night, and as soon as everyone found out I had a rough week, they stopped what they were doing and prayed for me. I am again amazed at the support I receive from my friends. Its not that I didn't think they were this awesome to begin with, its just that sometimes, circumstances make you appreciate it more.

On Friday, I choreographed a dance that I was supposed to perform at the Good Friday service at church. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. But, it went well. The whole service did. Its a little bit difficult to describe because it is to other church services what the Passion of the Christ is to other movies. Not the kind of thing that you leave with a smile, but still glad to have gone to it. The service is based on something done in 4th century church services, involving Scripture readings and songs, and after each song, the lights are dimmed to represent the disciples' abandonment of Jesus after his arrest, and Jesus' question, "God why have you forsaken me?" The service has a very dramatic effect, and being a drama queen (and to a small extent, a masochist) its one of my favorite church services.

After the service, someone I don't know very well came up to me and said, "I just wanted you to know that God told me to pray for you this week, and I've been praying for you a lot." My first thought was: "So THAT's why I'm still alive!" But all in all, I thought it was cool that God cares enough about me to tell people I don't know that they should pray for me. I felt special.

So that's just the lastest update. In a nutshell, God cares about me, and I'm a drama queen procrastinating masochist. And God cares about me DESPITE the fact that I'm a dqpm. Cool. I have homework to proc... to finish. Good night ladies and gentlemen.

che giornata!

Italian for "what a day!"

Well, I should be working on my project that's due at 11:30 tomorrow, but considering the fact that I don't own the book I'm supposed to be using, I feel justified in taking a little time to update my blog. I'm going to leave out some of the gory details because, frankly, I don't really want to remember that this day ever existed. It started with a 9:50 class. Not so bad, except its a class I hate. Not because its boring or anything, but because it stretches me out of my comfort zone, and that's the precise reason I won't allow myself to drop it. Its good for me. Kinda like steamed spinach I guess. A weird sort of masochism. Anyway, something unexpected happened in class today, and it was more stressful than most of my other classes combined.

The next thing requires a little background. When I was in third grade, I experienced something the doctor called heart palpitations, which is basically a few minutes of the physical symptoms of a panic attack without the actual emotion of panic or fear. Having just switched schools, the doctor said it was brought on by stress. After a few incidents, it stopped, and I haven't had a palpitation in about 13 years. Until today. It lasted longer than I remembered, but then, when you aren't breathing properly, time tends to slow down. When it was finally over, I was shaken, not physically, but emotionally... it was kind of the trigger- "Ok, now I know things are bad, and I need to find a way to relax, 'cause I've been stressed for weeks." I thought about not going to jujitsu tonight because, you know, physical activity... heart problems... don't really go together. But my mom convinced me to go because jujitsu is the one time each week when I feel completely relaxed.

And that brings me to the last point. When I got back, I found 10 AIM messages, most of them telling me "I hope you feel better," "Here's a hug," and "I'm praying for you." I don't usually get a whole lot of AIM messages when I'm away, so it really made me appreciate the value of friendships. You all know who you are, and you made me feel very special, so thank you.

And now, I'm going to go invent some assignment to hand in tomorrow.

sunday night church service

Well... I'm not sure where to begin. I guess I should say I've been on spring break this past week. I did nothing but sleep, watch movies, and knit (which are all practically the same activity), and the knots in my shoulders were gone by Sunday, before the official spring break period began. It was completely relaxing, but there was still a cloud looming ahead, knowing that it would end and my crazy school life would start again. I really did not want to come back to school, and wished I had the guts to drop out. Yesterday was Sunday, and I didn't really enjoy the morning service. Well, maybe I did. I honestly don't remember being there, but I know I was. So obviously, it was nothing spectacular.

After that, I was supposed to return to Rutgers, but managed to work things out so I could have an extra night at home, and go back to RU on Monday. This allowed the time to go to the once-a-month evening service, which was focused on using creativity in worship. This is something I used to do a lot, but admit that I've given up a lot of things I used to do, just because I'm not really as close to God as I used to be. I miss the creativity, and I know that not doing it has had a negative effect in other areas of my life.

So the service started with an intsrumental song, just to clear our minds of extraneous stuff... to focus our attention. The song was beautiful, but as soon as it started, I started talking to God. "I wish I didn't have to go back to school. I'm really going to need Your help to do this. New Brunswick is full of 'spiritual mud' and I'm sick of swimming in it, just so I can come back to church every week and wash off.' Then the music began to make a sound I can only describe as "shimmering blue." I'm not really sure how music can possibly have a color, but that's the only way I know how to describe it. So after the song was over, they started the creative part, which is pretty much paper, pencils, paints, chalks, cray-pas, crayons, you name it, and just kind of do whatever comes to mind while you talk to God. My picture was of a person standing under a waterfall falling from heaven. The more I drew, the cleaner I felt, and more ready to face the rest of my semester.

The next part of the service was regular worship for, well everyone, but also for those people who may not have felt comfortable with the less traditional painting part. This is where I felt more comfortable just telling God, here's how I feel, sorry I always forget to trust You, and etc... If you read this blog regularly, I probably don't need to repeat myself, even though it seems I repeat myself a lot when I'm talking to God. Anyway, while I was kind of absorbed in God and my tears and everything else, this guy I don't know tapped me on the shoulder and said God told him to show me a Bible verse. It said:

I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven. Luke 10:19-20

Then the guy said, "You can walk among the snakes and you don't have to fear them, because God is walking with you." It was extremely encouraging, but I have to insert a disclaimer here: None of the people at Rutgers is a snake or scorpion, but I do at times feel in danger of a sting or bite, and I'm not talking about getting mugged at night. Stuff goes on here that scares me.

Anyway, after that, I felt like I had hashed through all the junk in my soul, and I could move on to more pleasant things. I used to be a liturgical dancer, but something happened, and I stopped dancing. I knew it was getting really bad when I could stand in a room and not feel my feet tapping. For about two years now, I've been longing to start dancing again, but things always came up, there was always an excuse not to. But last night, I danced again and I somehow felt like a much stronger dancer than I used to be. I don't know if it was the music, the night, the whole giving-God-my-crap-and-tears stuff, the creativity, or something else, but I know it was something I've missed tremendously, and it allowed me to pray for some friends of mine and really feel like my prayer was not in vain. It was an overall special night.

It gave me the strength for today, because this Monday was worse than all my other ones. It might possibly rank in the top ten worst of my life, and I don't know if I would have had the strength to make it through if I hadn't gone to church last night.

Anyway, that's my saga about what God is doing in my life. Its kind of long, and some might find it boring, but without God, my life isn't really worth writing about. So, thanks for caring about me, and reading this far down. : )

Irish eyes are smiling...

Whatever that means. Its St. Patrick's Day so I have to say something Irish. Even though St. Patrick was English. Anyway, I wore green and got four kisses, so I hope my luck rubbed off on some of you unlucky people. Anyway, my Irish family had a little gathering at a Charlie Brown's, which was interesting. This is kind of a pointless blog entry, except that I have to write about my experience tonight: I was the only lefthanded person at a circular table that was made for six, though we seated eight. And I felt like broadcasting that information to the world through my blog. So there you have it folks. Its leftie bias. So much discrimination. Anyway... that was all. Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone.

Death

So... I hope this isn’t too depressing. I went to a funeral today. Yesterday, rather, because its now 3:30 am and I’m far enough into Wednesday that today has become tomorrow. Or something like that. Anyway, the funeral was very nice. That sounds like an oxymoron, but it seemed to be just the way the woman would have wanted for her funeral. As with all the funerals I’ve been to, I always end up thinking about death (is that so surprising?) Today I wondered if God lets us watch our funerals before we reach that final, no-turning-back point (assuming there IS a no-turning-back point*). Because I think that as amazing as heaven must be, and as much as I long to be in God’s presence, I’d still be pretty curious to see how well my friends and family really know me. Do they know what kind of music I’d like played? What my favorite flowers are? Even, what kind and stain of wood I like? I wondered who would come, what they’d say, and why its tradition at funerals to get together and eat afterwards. Thankfully, the funerals I’ve been to have not been for people I’m extremely close with, otherwise, I’d have trouble eating afterwards. Extreme greif tends to make food taste like wax, so I don’t know where that tradition came from.

*footnote for "no-turning-back point": I’ve heard stories of people who were medically dead, went to heaven, and were told they were only allowed to walk so far in before they had to return so that medics could revive them. But I’m not an expert on this at all. I just like to use my imagination.

Anyway, of all the hymns and other songs that I could get stuck in my head, I ended up singing (all day) a song by Sara Groves, one I didn’t even hear today:
I’ve been feeling kind of restless/ I’ve been feeling out of place/ I can hear a distant singing/ A song that I can’t write/ And it echoes of what I’m always trying to say// There’s a feeling I can’t capture/ It’s always just a prayer away/ I want to know the ending/ Things hoped for but not seen/ But I guess that’s the point of hoping anyway// Chorus: Of going home, I’ll meet you at the table/ Going home, I’ll meet you in the air/ And you are never too young to think about it/ Oh, I cannot wait to be home// I’m confined by my senses/ To really know what you are like/ You are more than I can fathom/ And more than I can guess/ And more than I can see with you in sight// But I have felt you with my spirit/ I have felt you fill this room/ And this is just an invitation/ Just a sample of the whole/ And I cannot wait to be going home// Chorus// Face to face, how can it be/ Face to face, how can it be/ Face to face, how can it be// Cuz this is just an invitation/ Just a sample of the whole/ And I cannot wait to be going home

Completely and honestly, I’ve had times when I’ve gotten so utterly tired of life on earth. Sometimes its just things I do, other times its that people here can be so stupid and senseless. Heaven must be so incredible. No stupid people that crowd the sidewalks and don’t actually walk because they are on their phones and can’t concentrate on two things at once. Granted, I can’t do two things at once either. But at least I realize it and don’t crowd the sidewalk talking on a cell phone while other people actually want to get to class on time. Ok that was a little bit of a tangent. Cell phone users don’t make me feel like I want to die. They just make me think heaven is going to be really nice. If nothing else, there will be bigger sidewalks. Ok now I’m getting a little bit irreverent. Perhaps its my way of avoiding the fact that yes, I have longed for death. Not in a suicidal way, but in a way that says, God, its crazy here on earth. Can you speed up time a little? This life is wearing me thin, and I want to go home.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. There’s more to that, but I think I’ll save it for some other time. I should have gone to bed hours ago, but I was turning something around in my mind (something else besides the funeral topic). Something that can also wait for some other time.

another epiphany

I think I figured out what's different. Where the stress is coming from. Maybe I'll share it sometime. But until then, I'm still open if anyone else thinks they know where the stress is coming from.

ARRGGHHH

This is attempt number three at posting a blog entry that my computer seems intent on deleting. On attempt number two, I speculated that perhaps the computer is inhabited by a gremlin. I have now upgraded the word "gremlin" to "demon." Having said that, I feel justified in praying without feeling irreverant, that the wrath of God would descend upon this wretched and miserable paperweight.

Let me try and recap what I said in attempt number two:

"I heard a story once that the man who first had the idea for a computer saw a dishwasher, and a toaster and thought that since we have machines to do things for us, why not a machine that does everything (multi-tasking)? The result was a machine that does nothing. This is not to insult the handful of Computer Geniouses or Computer Science majors who have the patience to call me friend. But sometimes I really get the urge to throw the thing out my second-floor window."

I'm slowly losing everything I wrote in the first and second attempts, because my memory isn't that great at 2 am. I know I was writing more for the sake of writing than for the need to bare my soul. And because I was hoping that as I wrote, some of the people on my buddylist might come back from being away.

I also wrote about watching a movie with my mom and trading massages with her. She got the better end of the deal because I've been giving her massages since I was 8, and because her grip isn't strong enough to get rid of the rocks that are sometimes referred to as muscles (the ones that start with trapez- my 8th grade health teacher would be dissapointed I've forgotten the name). I used to be incredibly relaxed, and actually, I would get tense if someone tried to give me a massage. Figure that one out. But in the past couple of months, I've been really tense. I didn't even realize I've been tense. Scott suggested last week after jujitsu that I should look into taking a massage class. I was politely and mildly interested and then I proceeded to have a week of midterms that woke me up to just how tense I really am. When I mentioned the idea to my mom, of course she told me I should do it at all costs. (I think she's always had a secret wish that I would drop out of Rutgers and go to a school for massage therapy to become a masseuse. masseuice? massuse? Massager. And of course, give her discounts when I go into business...) Anyway, I have no idea what made me so tense. I've had tough semesters before, I've had midterms before. There's not much new in my life that might cause stress. Is there? If anyone can think of something I'm missing, let me know.

Anyway, that's as much as I can remember about my entries. And it kind of makes writing a blog seem a little artificial when I'm trying to remember what I said before instead of just letting my thoughts flow. But anyway... thats my entry for tonight.

I should start a procrastination club, but...

I would never get around to it. That's a quote from an IM convo I had the other day. I used it because right now, I REALLY don't want to study for my comp sci midterm. What on earth does a theater major need to know True Basic for? And yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition. On purpose. Ha. Take that.

Hmm, it looks like I'm in an obstinate mood tonight. I don't know where that came from. Here's another IM quote:

name withheld to protect the procrastinator: yay!
nwtptp: a blog!
nwtptp: i'll never ever get any work done now
arwenundomiel9: lol, that sounds like me!!

So now that everyone knows, specifically, the purpose of this entry, I will continue. Readers beware, I did a lot of thinking today, and in terms of content or relevance, my thoughts don't really connect to each other.

So, the first great epiphany I had occurred while watching We Were Soldiers. "I have never felt true fear in my waking life." Ironic thought for someone who just wrote a blog entry about how much fear there is in my life. But that fear is intimidation fear. I allow circumstances to overwhelm me, and I know it is something I need to conquer. But I hope and pray that I will never feel true fear in my waking life. In my dreams, I have already felt this fear. It comes from looking in the eyes of absolute evil. I don't know if that thought was actually spawned by the movie; I don't think it was, but if not, then I don't understand the neuron connections in my brain. Well, then again, who does?

The other thought I had sounded stupid when I wrote it out, so I deleted it, and effectively used about 20 minutes of procrastination time. Yay.

Ooh... I did just have another epiphany though. Something happened today that may be a little hard to describe. In Jujitsu (translated, the art of gentleness), for those of you who are unfamiliar with it, all of the methods of throwing someone (that I have learned so far) have involved keeping the person off balance, always slightly on their toes, until the moment their feet leave the ground, only to find it again a second later after they have flipped over your back, and landed, more or less, on theirs. Wow. That was a cool, dramatic way of describing it. But that wasn't the point. I am getting to that. Anyway, the off-balance part is called kazushi. And (here's the epiphany) today, I found myself in a sort of verbal kazushi, always off balance, then swept off the ground, and finding myself on my back without even realizing it had happened until later. And that's the cool part. It was so gentle, I barely noticed that I had become extremely vulnerable to the other person. This person must have been very skilled in the art of speaking.

Hmm... I hope I don't have too many jujitsu epiphanies, because I'd have to take a lot of time to explain the significance to people. Anyway, I think on that note, before my ephiphanies get weird, I'll go.

Sunday

So. I went to church today, the one that meets in the LSC. Due to LTC's "Once upon a Mattress," the service was conducted in a castle. Which was interesting. By the way, for those of you who didn't go see Mattress, you missed out on an awesome show. It wasn't perfect, but its always fun to see people you know doing stuff that they probably do a lot anyway haha (Mickey, Chris, etc...). Anyway, I definitely felt that I got more than my $5 worth out of the show, so... yeah. That was a tangent.

Back to the church service... I told God I'm sick of how the atmosphere around Rutgers sometimes makes me feel like everyone is throwing mud at me. And then the sermon, which was .5 seconds after I made my complaint, was from Micah, who essentially said, "Woe is me, life is hard." And then continued it with, "But as for me, I will wait in hope because God makes life worth living." And THEN God said, "You're not being very much like Micah." And then I felt as if all the mud was gone, and... That's just what happened today I guess. I feel like I'm having a power struggle with God, like where is my trust, really? I give it to Him, I take it back, I give it to Him. Why can't I just let Him have it? Life would be so much easier if I could remember that God is in control of things. I've been getting a little better lately, but still... I worry more than is healthy I think.

And after church, I went to lunch with Anissa, which was nice. The way things worked out, we were sort of pushed together in jujitsu, and I love being able to have someone else who understands the way I think about God and life and stuff. Well, I have other people who do that too; I'm not intending to neglect my other friendships by mentioning this... but whatever. What I wanted to say was I had fun eating lunch with Anissa.

And now of course, I'm ignoring my studying for two tests tomorrow. And I'm going to keep ignoring it by going to jujitsu tonight. Its ok, I have all night haha! Actually, I kind of feel pretty prepared for them, so I just need to look stuff over. Okay... I guess I'll do that now then...

here we go again...

"Hello, Lord, it's me, your child, I have a few things on my mind..." ~Sarah Groves, on her album Conversations

Its a Friday night. I'm dressed a tad nicer than I usually dress (though still in blue jeans), I'm wearing perfume and a necklace my mom used to wear when she was younger. And my jewelry matches for once. No silver-and-gold-mix-match. Today, I actually put a little thought into my jewelry. I picked dull silver. I couldn't even wear my watch because its shiny silver. Sorta matches my mood a little. Low-key, slightly antiqued, like memory-lane.

And I'm sitting in my dorm doing homework. I'm wondering how many more times I will have to turn things over to God. How many times will I feel so emotional that my whole body begins to ache? And when that happens, how many times will I have to tell God, "You take it. I can't deal with it anymore."?

I'm tired of this. If anyone has any tips for how to fall out of love, let me know. I'll just be here. Doing homework. I think I have senioritis a year early. I'm constantly doing homework. I don't think I've ever been able to work ahead in my assignments before. Anyway, those are my thoughts. A little bit down, but overall, I'm better than I have been in months. So that's good.