weird mood

I'm having a strange day... I feel simultaneously happy and melancholy.

I woke up and went to pick up my film, then wandered around because I didn't feel like going home on my day off and doing nothing there. I figure its better to do nothing in a new exciting location than at home. I walked down Easton Ave and picked up some bubble tea and met Steve at the hospital as he got off work. He thought I was extra cheerful, which is unusual on a Thursday, with all my confusion and frustration about jujitsu.

But today the kid's class was testing for their next belts levels, and Ben in the adult class would be testing after that. Maybe it was the anticipation of seeing these kids test after they've worked so hard. My group had three that got new stripes on their belts, which was exciting.

Ben tested too and passed, so congrats to him. Or I guess I should say Bengee, which is the name he has given himself to differentiate him from the other Ben. Jujitsu on my end, while he was testing was frustrating. I can't seem to take falls anymore without getting a pounding headache. At first I thought it was a fluke thing but now its every week... every time I fall, it gets worse. I'm not doing anything that I can think of that could be causing it. My head is staying off the mat, and I'm not getting that whiplash feeling... I thought it was dehydration one week but I'm not dehydrated EVERY week.

And then when Ben's test was over and we started working with a black belt on stuff, I got a little distracted and unfocused. I started thinking about Barb saying that everything you do on the mat should be done like your life depends on it, even walking and sitting. I wondered if she would say the same thing to someone who didn't really value their life that much. Then I kind of snapped back into focus, and wished for a second that I could be somewhere else. Matt started doing Tenada Jime on me, and when he was sitting on my stomach, I felt a bad twinge in my sacrum again. It was almost the last straw. When I stood up again my head was pounding and my sacrum twinging, and I got angry. I told my head, and my sacrum, "you know what, I no longer care if you are hurting. I'm doing jujitsu right now and for some odd reason, I want to do this better than so-and-so can do it, and there's no time to do that and simultaneously make you two stop hurting so you know what, I'm just not listening anymore so shut the heck up." They didn't, but I felt better about telling them off. And I think a couple of my techniques improved, or at least the body memory came back a bit.

My head is still sore from getting kicked Sunday so maybe that's a part of it. Or maybe that's the reason I have so many opposite emotions inside. When jujitsu was over, I kinda got melancholy again, but then when I was walking to the student center with everyone Steve commented that I was still so cheerful, even after jujitsu when I could have been really exhausted or something.

Anyway... I should go to bed soon. I got sheets for my college dorm beds- they told us to get twin longs instead of twin regular but they never fit. I'm still using the same sheets and they still don't fit because my matress is not a twin long. So I got tired of them coming off in the night so I went out and got some new ones (took me long enough). I opened the package and they were so soft and ripply. I took another look at the package, and lo and behold the sheets are not made out of cotton, or satin, or flannel, or any of the usual bedsheet material. They are made out of bamboo fibers woven together. Amazing! I didn't know they did that with bamboo. It makes me want to buy lots of bamboo clothes because it is so soft.

Anyway, I'm gonna go try out my new bamboo bedsheets. G'night!

not even in the mood to cry.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of talking to walls, things were more interesting when I was the fly listening in. Maybe I should give up. Maybe its time to go back and be the wallflower girl whose friends have no idea what's going on in her life because she puts herself down on paper instead of the internet.

Social interactions can be so hard sometimes. Why anyone even deals with the hassle is beyond me. Its like driving in NJ. I haven't gotten my license because the hassle of taking the bus everywhere is less than the hassle of trying to predict which idiot is going to cut you off or run a red or rear end you out of nowhere and drive away. I simply don't want to deal with it. And for a long time I didn't deal with the crap that comes out of social interactions either.

Ironic that this happened now, since I just watched the movie Crash tonight. Its a movie that combines car accidents with a bunch of people who, socially have no tact whatsoever, or downright disrespect. Funny how they are two things I just don't want to deal with. Cars and opening yourself up to another human being who has the power to make you feel important, or the power to turn everything around, and make them the one with the problem instead of you.

I hate dealing with it. I hate putting up with crap I don't want to do. I hate growing up, and I hate realizing things about myself that should not be so. I hate change.

more randomness...

I wish musicians would enunciate their words when they sing. I am listening to a Casting Crowns song (Christian worship) and could swear I just heard "he slips quietly into a bathrobe." There's also a Michael W. Smith song that is half in Latin and half in English but the English pronunciation is so bad you can't tell which is which. And its not just Christian music either. There's a popular hiphop song whose artist I have forgotten but the words not only make no sense but they are barely intelligible anyway. And those songs that involve spelling out the word you are trying to say... wow. Just wow. Don't get me wrong, Garth Brooks has proven its possible to do it and sound good (example: "B-double E-double R-U-N"). But sometimes... especially when you are spelling complicated things like "G-u-y-s-a-r-e-m-o-r-e-t-r-o-u-b-l-e-t-h-a-n-a-r-a-c-o-o-n
-o-n-a-g-a-r-b-a-g-e-n-i-g-h-t."

It gets to be hard to follow.

Yard sales are evil. I just spent (some) money at the one down the street from Steve's place. I now have to make at least 5 home cappucinos for friends in order for the home espresso machine to be worth while. I guess that would be pretty simple. And you can do other stuff like chai and hot chocolate so I guess that's cool.

And I bought the recipe for "perfume that smells like flowery medicine" from two ten year olds. In my day it was koolaid and iced tea, but I guess the ten-year-olds around here are smart enough for perfume. Funny, it has the same ingredients I used in my Death Soup when I was that age. Minus the yew berries. Which made for the "death" part. Ironically when I got to college I discovered the actual reason yew berries are the key ingredient in Death Soup: the seeds in the yew berry contain a toxin that induces cardiac arrest. Lucky for me I stuck with selling koolaid and left the Death Soup in the back room just for kicks.

One of the ingredients on the recipe I bought included "the flowers that smell like fish." Funny cause I immediately knew which ones she was talking about.

I went to church today and Steve very ungracefully fell on top of one of my jujitsu kids. That was... well there's no good adjective. Lets stick with "memorable."

I wasn't in much of a good mood yesterday or today. Well, last night, into today. But I think once I ate lunch, I felt better. I don't know. Maybe I'll still go take a nap and try to start the day over. Despite the beauty of today.

Jujitsu tonight. I guess I'll talk about that after it happens. If there's anything to talk about.

puzzled...

At first glance, the quarter I found today appears to be counterfeit. It feels too light to be a 1967 quarter, and appears to be two sides of a quarter (no mint mark) sandwiching some sort of fake quarter. But it could also be that it is simply very beat up. Then I looked up the quarters on a website and found that 1965-1967 quarters did not have mint marks because of the transition from silver to the copper-nickel alloy.

I am thinking about all the chemistry experiments I have observed in which a coin combined with such-and-such chemical burns a certain color because of the metal the coin is made of. I also know that to mint the coins purely, there's some sort of chemical that when electricity is passed through it, causes the metal to release any impurities or something like that.

I am wondering (because I don't know anything about chemistry) if it is possible that someone tried to extract one of the metals and leave the other. And if they did, did they profit from this stolen metal? And wouldn't that destroy the appearance of the quarter beyond recognition?

Yeah... maybe its just counterfeit.

PS... In one moment, a customer gave me a tip that nearly doubled my total for the day. That was interesting. I felt like a pole dancer. Just kidding...

country music...

So I love country music. Most of you probably know that about me already but just in case you didn't, there it is.

Sometimes its a problem for me... on those days when I'm feeling especially down, it seems the only thing the radio plays are references to alcohol:

Alcohol, Alcohol of Fame, Ten Rounds of Jose Cuervo, Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off, Straight Tequila Night, Two Pina Coladas, and of course, Its Five O'Clock Somewhere.

But today, while the east coast is being bombarded with an 800 mile wide storm, and both my city and my county are issuing flood warnings, the radio station is only playing songs with references to the elements:

Come On Rain, Raining on Sunday, Seminole Wind, Kerosene, The Thunder Rolls, Every Time That It Rains, Georgia Rain...

Ok I'll admit Kerosene was a stretch but the music video was awesome and fire is a wild element... and yes, something did catch on fire in the video. Very cool.

Ok I really have nothing much to say here. The rain is saying it for me. The weather can be pretty expressive sometimes. Cool. K I'll go now.

cool little thing...

I put this somewhere else, but I thought I'd share it with you all too. Its fun. And more interesting than the vent I could put in here about my day at work today.

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool!
7. I added this one myself- make comments on how well they fit… cause I'm like that and love to explain things…

MY LIFE AS A MELODRAMA

Opening Credits: Sign From the Hills by Maire Brennan
Ok, I guess that fits as an opener.

First Day At School: If I Had The Things I Wanted by Ryan Shupe and the Rubber Band
Young, innocent dreaming, guy singing to his girl about castles and flying horses. I think it fits.

Fight Song: To Where You Are by Josh Groban
Nope… he's singing about someone who's dead and in heaven. Doesn't fit. Unless they died in a fight.

Breaking Up: Oh Holy Night by Pavarotti
HAHAHAHA.

Prom: Molloy's Favorite and the Earl's Chair by Mick Moloney
SOMEONE's prom music, but not traditional American prom… its an Irish jig.

Life: Dajcovo Horo by Unknown.
Its an Eastern European Folk Dance, fitting to describe my life because my heart is in dance, but at the same time its really fast paced like life and hard to keep up with, but the steps are mostly simple so when you don't quite get it you just feel stupid. Like life.

Mental: Auf Geht's Und Geht by Unknown. (from an album I bought in Austria of German volksmusik)
Another instruMENTAL. Humph guess that fits haha. Badum-tschhhhhh.

Driving: Man of Constant Sorrows by John Hatrford
Instrumental, I really have to cut those out of my playlist. But yeah when I'm driving I do feel constant sorrow that I am driving and not doing something more fun.

Flashback: From the Chicago Soundtrack
It's a historical play… so the music does kinda take you back.

Getting Back Together: Something in the Way by Nirvana
Weird song… but could be appropriate.

Wedding: Lonesome Valley by the Fairfield Four
HAHAHA yes it is lol.

Birth of Child: Announcing Roxy Hart and Velma Kelly From the Chicago Soundtrack
About how to live your life… don't want these new stars giving my baby advice haha.

Final Battle: I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In from the album Jazz on Christmas Eve
Yep… doesn't say what kinda ships.

Death Scene: One Day I'll Fly Away by Nicole Kidman (From Moulin Rouge)
If I remember correctly, that IS her death scene.

Funeral Song: Canyon Breeze by Paul Horn (Native American music)
Nope its too pretty. And I gotta do something about this lyric-less music.

Remembrance Song: Get On by Third Day
Hmm… what a way to remember someone. Get on get away from me, you're trying to bring me down…

End Credits: Peaches by the Presidents of the United States of America
That fits. Nice random way to end things. Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches… peaches come from a can, they were put there by a man… millions of peaches, peaches for me

Thankfully, that is not the way they pick the music for most movies. Although sometimes its hard to tell.

interesting

I keep finding interesting internet articles.

"And as research in the wild becomes more and more forensic, even animals we counted in our small alliance for fidelity have recently been proved fallible. Swans, that elegant emblem of faithfulness, glided away from the hallowed statistical minority; it has come to light that they cheat and divorce too. Red-winged blackbird couples thought to be devoted surprised scientists that had given vasectomies to the males for population control; the females kept laying eggs that hatched. Somewhere, there's a blackbird Holiday Inn with a discreet parking lot."

LOL.

groan...

I couldn't resist...

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Badum-tchshhh...

Today...

... not really an exciting post.

I made a 7-shot latte today. It took a while, but I didn't mind because the last time he came in and ordered it, he left a $5 tip.

I found a silver quarter. That was exciting.

I had an awkward convo with my mom. What was in my head wasn't coming out my mouth so I ended up feeling like a bragging slut when I later reviewed in my head what I said.

I ran into someone I haven't seen in years. She seemed to be like me. Happy outside, something disturbing inside. Only I knew her well enough before we fell out of contact that I knew right away that she had carefully wrapped herself in a shroud of secrecy, whereas, I won't hide the fact that I have secrets. I just won't tell them to you. I'm so glad I got to see her again, but so off balance now, because I guess this is it- I'm worried about her.

Ok that's it. I think getting it off my chest makes me less off balance.

More randomness

Espresso sometimes smells like smoked whiting.

I had a what if situation for Scott but I forgot it. It involved someone getting tripped. Darn.

He is a smoker. Oh well.

I went to the police station today. The officer who called to say they found my three-years-missing bike was the kind of guy my mom would have talked about later. Given the choice, if she could choose a match for her daughter, there is one type of "look" she would choose. Its scary cause Scott fits those requirements too except for the ring on his finger. I guess she has good taste. I am just not as picky I suppose.

I am not using apostrophes because this keyboard thinks the apostrophe key is actually control+f and the computer puts up a find window instead of an apostrophe. Its annoying.

I closed by myself today, which gave me a lot of time to reflect on things. The mall was dead today so it also gave the guys in Shoes time to come flirt with- I mean BUG- me. So in my moments alone I started thinking about the Jean Grey comments. Do guys idolize Jean Grey? I mean, is it a compliment or not? Cause I didnt like her that much in the third movie. Dont get me wrong, I love the concept of a Phoenix. But too much went wrong because of her. From the point of view of the other X-men, she was a downright nuisance. Any guys out there reading this? Should I be offended when the guys in the shoe department call me Jean?

Its almost 1 am and I just got a text message from my mom. Shes delusional.

I am reading a novel, A Game of Thrones. Its a medieval kinda thing, telling the story of this kingdom where- you guessed it- everyone is trying to play the game of thrones without dying. Instead of the hack, slice, and dice of some medieval novels, and instead of the magic and dragons of other medieval novels, its political. Unusual for me to enjoy, since I hate politics in general, but it is kind of eye-opening. I mean, everyone complains about our president or the president-wannabes who are going to be running next year but if they could see what goes on in this throne room, there would be no comparison. It makes me feel like everyone in this world is just whining too much when things could be as bad as they are in this medieval world.

Mom just sent me another text message. "Guy crotches are good!" I swear, some day she is going to learn that stuff can be taken out of context. (In case anyone was wondering, she was talking about a pair of pants.)

Alright bedtime before mom goes over our texting limit on the phone plan.

National ICantConcentrateToday Day

Espresso grinds smell like morning breath. Or maybe the two smells just hit my nose at the same time every morning so now I can't smell one without thinking of the other.

Henna is derived from the leaf of the henna plant, therefore it smells leafy. This is increased by water, so when I take a shower, my hair smells like the feed room at the goat farm where I used to work.

Today I used Herbal Essence on my hair, the old kind, not the post-bottle-change. So it also brought back memories of spring time, and cleaning the house with my mom, and sunshine in the fall, bike helmets, and cozy blankets.

The wrestling room at the gym smells faintly like battleships. Not that battleship-dieselly-paint smell like the elevator of my freshman dorm, but the smell of men working their bodies to the limit for something they believe in.

Steve smells like french fries.

There actually is an explanation for why I'm exploring the world in smells.

Today I went to waltz lessons. The instructor was explaining how to turn in the dance. As you step, you don't just move your feet, but you turn from the hips, letting your hips send your body where it needs to go, and face in the direction it needs to face.

Anyone with even a couple classes of jujitsu will think that sounds familiar, so that got me thinking about jujitsu and how it seems that everything is integrated when it comes to moving the body. Letting my mind wander to jujitsu effectively got me completely lost when it comes to waltz. I couldn't remember which steps we were doing in which order. Was it box step then travel then quarter turn? Or was it just the quarter turns followed by a direction change? I didn't even know which foot we were starting on.

That's ok, I can solve that. Jujitsu has taught me that people telegraph their future intent, whether its winding up an arm for a punch or simply leaning more weight on one foot than the other. So all I have to do is look at my partner to see what he's about to do and step accordingly. Ok that works I've stepped on the correct foot, but I'm so excited about integrating jujitsu into this that I'm not really learning the answers to my initial questions.

The whole class was a big snowball of not paying attention. The instructor demonstrates his points sometimes and needs a partner to do it, so he'll randomly select a girl to help him. Once he picked me and since I had no idea what we were doing, I stepped on the wrong foot. He readjusted his hand position, and suddenly, it didn't matter one bit what I did, his hands and arms provided enough weight on the correct side that I HAD to step on the correct foot. It was like some of our jujitsu moves where we want our partner to step back on their left foot so we push their left shoulder while holding their right arm stationary. We don't do anything to the left foot, but we still acheive our goal. This was just like that- he was shifting my weight for me so that the foot he wanted me to have free would be free.

Then I felt bad, one that I wasn't paying attention to him and two that it forced him to do my work in addition to his.

Thankfully that class is fairly short so it was off to the wrestling room for jujitsu. When Scott was explaining to the white belts how we can tell where to stand when we're lining up by rank, he used Dan and me as an example. "You'll notice they both have blue belts with one stripe, but Red tested before Dan."

I think I like Jean Grey better. Scott's other comment was that I did it just in time for Saint Patrick's Day, which is a good point. I should find an Irish pub somewhere.

Back to jujitsu, Steve took the colored belts and Scott took the white belts. Steve had us work on foot work, practicing turning 90 and 180 degrees, and looky there its a 1-2-3 step just like a waltz.

By that time I was pretty fed up with my brain because it wouldn't stay in one place, ideally the wrestling room in the College Ave Gym but if not there it could at least have picked ONE place to go. But when Steve asked me later what was wrong, I listed all the places my mind had gone. The list started on Louis Street and didn't come to a complete stop until we got to Livingston, which would be maybe 3-4 minutes.

Anyway, I'm usually not that unfocused on the mat. I don't know what happened today. Oh right, so the reason for the smells was because when I got fed up I sat out on the side of the mat and let my mind go. For some reason when I did that, I could feel my body more strongly, could feel where my aches and pains are, could hear all the voices in the room louder, and the red of the mats got brighter. But my nose was stuffy so I didn't smell anything. It felt vacant somehow, so I decided to sit here and think about all the smells I have come in contact with recently.

So yeah that's all I suppose. I'm gonna go chat with Steve for a while. Goodnight.

Photos...

Ok, so unfortunately, I can't find a good before picture with my hair down. Some were taken recently, however my hair was tied up in a clip. You will all have to just rely on memory.

Here are the after pictures:

HAHAHAHA

So I came across one of those websites that tells you anything you want to know about the Chinese zodiac. For those of you who don't know, yesterday was the "Pan-Asian Lunar New Year," as one politically correct flyer called it. I say Chinese New Year. Its easier. And majority rules.

Anyway, quick explanation for those of you who don't know. There are 12 animals of the zodiac representing the years in which you are born. I was born in the Year of the Rat, that makes me a Rat. Works just like the whole Cancer, Virgo, Saggitarius zodiac, except that we can all pronounce them (amazing for something coming from Asia). Every New Year, they produce horoscopes based on how your animal is supposed to fare during this year (the Fire Pig).

Curiosity killed the cat, so I clicked on the rat. In my case however, the cat died of laughter. "Rat Careers: Work life should proceed relatively smoothly. Merchants, bankers and salespeople could have a banner year." Smooth!! Hahahaha. That's hilarious. I'm probably quitting my job in the next month. Smooth enough for you?

The other comments were Rat Health and Rat Relationships. Apparently, Rats are supposed to be a bit run down this year, and a passionate romance might be non-committally stimulated. Heck that kinda describes every year of my life since junior year in high school, so maybe we're all just stuck in the Year of the Fire Pig without realizing it.

Funny cause I've been sniffling my nose all day, not because my body is burned out but because I'm allergic to pollen and we currently have 6 Valentine's bouquets in the living room. Woohoo, poor health and relationships joined as one already!

Don't over-exert yourself...

It's ok. You don't even have to try to hide it anymore. Don't bother pretending unless you're an excellent actor.

And don't hug me for the sake of hugging me. I'm not a chore. If you don't want to don't.

Right now, it doesn't have any meaning the way you are doing it.

Sorry for the language...

...but its the name of the town.

Germans Not Amused

British tourists have left the residents of one charming Austrian village effing and blinding by constantly stealing the signs for their oddly named village.

While British visitors are finding it hilarious, the residents of Fucking are failing to see the funny side.

Only one kind of criminal ever stalks the sleepy 32-house village near Salzburg on the German border- cheeky British tourists armed with a sense of humor and a screwdriver.

But the local authorities are hitting back and with the signs now set in concrete, police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger is on the lookout.

“We will not stand for the Fucking signs being removed,” the officer said. “It may be very amusing for you British, but Fucking is simply Fucking to us. What is this big Fucking joke? It is puerile.”

Local tourist guide Andreas Rehmueller said it was only the British that had a fixation with Fucking. “The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg,” he explained. “Every American seems to care only about The Sound of Music (the 1965 film shot around Salzburg). The occasional Japanese wants to see Hitler’s birthplace in Braunau. But for the British, it’s all about Fucking.”

Guesthouse manager Augustina Lindlbauer described the village’s breathtaking lakes, forests and vistas. “Yet still there is this obsession with Fucking,” she said. “Just this morning I had to tell an English lady who stopped by that there were no Fucking postcards.”


Sigh. I am American to the core. I went to Salzburg... and they're right... I didn't care about the Mozart house, I took a tour visiting every location involved in the Sound of Music. In fact my bedroom in the bed and breakfast where I stayed faced the mountain Maria danced on, and the family fled over in the film. It was funny because in real life, Hitler's Crow's Nest was on the other side of that mountain, but in the movie it was a safe place to go.

Yeah.... ok then. That was amusing.

Blogger made me update my blog to their new Google format... I don't know the difference but it was a pain in the butt when all I wanted to do was copy and paste a news article.

And thats all I have to say. Goodnight!

Sigh...

The person who sent me this email apparently never read my blog rant.

PAY ATTENTION !

"Ya Gotta LOVE THIS"

Rules for the phone.

How ALL business phones SHOULD be answered!

GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Press "1" for English.

Press "2" to disconnect until you learn to speak English

And remember only two defining forces have ever
offered to die for you,

Jesus Christ
and the American Soldier.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

First of all. Colors = font size 3000. Save it for your storefront.

Second. Random patriotic stuff added to info about telephone answering systems.

Third. Random patriotic stuff AND religion added to something to which neither have any connection.

Bad email, BAD. Go to your box and hide!

YEAH

So, last night, I don't think I was coherent enough to be writing a blog entry. I am pretty sure it didn't come across the way I wanted it to.

Anyway... when I'm at work I'm usually cleaning something with a wet towel, so my hands usually get very dried out and chapped. Today, I didn't do any cleaning, because it was so cold that we didn't really get any substantial customers. But the skin on my hands actually broke open all over, simply because it was so cold. I think the mall heaters couldn't keep up with the heat loss out of the skylight domes. I thought my hands were just red from the cold, but I looked closer, and I could actually see into the miniscule cracks in my skin, to the open blood.

FUN!

ten-dollar words...

I don't know if that's the correct colloquialism.

Anyway, I used the simple terms to describe the engineer-jujitsu theory. Here's what the engineer said, stolen from his blog:

"I also wanted to write about my thought about relating shockwaves and drift velocities with a kiai and if a kiai can physically knock the person off balance. In theory, if the kiai was strong enough to create a large enough drift velocity behind the shockwave, then as the shockwave passes you by, the wind will hit you at the drift velocity. so basically you will be hit by a gust of air traveling really fast because of some pressure difference created in a short amount of time."

Just so everyone knows I wasn't TRYING to misquote him hahaha.

Engineers...

I talk about a wide range of topics here, at least I like to think I do. I thought today would be a good day to mention engineers.

I have a lot of friends who are engineers. My brother is in the honors engineering school at Rutgers. Engineer professions even run in the family (the smart side of the family).

Today before jujitsu Dhaval presented the idea that if an object travelled at or above the speed of sound and stopped right in front of your face, essentially there would be a sonic boom or at least enough force (I forget the cool terms) that would knock you off balance. That object could in theory be a sound wave, so what if someone were to kiai in your face with enough energy to knock you down? Not just surprise the heck out of you so you would involuntarily flinch but to actually use the physics to knock you down.

It leads to more interesting questions. Like, what does that actually do to the bones in the head? Would your skull cave in? Would you rattle your brain enough to cause swelling? If a sonic boom in the air can break windows on the ground, what would happen to you if you were there, essentially at ground zero?

Anyway, despite being a theater major who had to have a geometry and chemistry tutor, take the dumbed down version of physics in high school, AND the dumbed down version of precalc in college, it does interest me a lot to try to integrate actual physical laws/findings/experiments with something more intuitive, like defending yourself against an unknown assailant in a dark alley. Obviously you wouldn't stop in the middle of a rape to calculate the exact angle you should kick someone, but if you understand physics even a little, I think a lot of things are really applicable.

I'm also fascinated by National Geographic's special on Fight Science.

In other random news, Barb was on the other end of the mat being worked on by a physical therapist for her back, so I knew she wasn't watching any of us for a while. Of course that was when I did the best bridge fall I've ever done. It still didn't have the step-step-spring that's supposed to preceed the actual bridge fall, but I managed not to put my hands towards the ground or even move them as if to put them on the ground. I also managed to keep my feet together, so I got the spring part and went right over. Then I went back to doing crappy ones.

Its annoying that I can only do them when certain people are not watching. It means its all in my head.

Another Note to Coffee Drinkers.

If you order a black coffee, I am going to write it down on the sleeve as a black coffee. Whoever makes it, whether myself or someone else, is going to make a black coffee. DO NOT order a black coffee if you intend to put milk in it. A black coffee with milk in it is not a black coffee, but you are an idiot. Its even worse if you order a black coffee and then ask me to pour some out so you can put milk in it. Some people have the decency to drink a little so they won't have to pour any out. However, if you make the mistake when ordering of saying "black coffee," you should deal with YOUR mistake and not make it my problem that you know nothing about the coffee you drink.

incessant mind ramblings.

Ok so I've had my wedding gown picked out since I was about 13, and my honeymoon location picked out about a month ago. Granted, there's no groom yet so those things are subject to change. But this WILL NOT change: the bridal prep room, no matter where it is (hotel, my bedroom, a random room in a church basement) WILL NOT have a clock, a pair of scissors, or anything alcoholic. It WILL have one bridesmaid with a watch, rope, and the authority (maybe jujitsu knowhow) to kick my butt. This will not happen to me.

In other news, I've had a lot of time at work where there's really nothing to be done. I have overheard a quote, come up with one of my own, and found something.

Overheard quote: "That's so big its big!"

My own: "I'm procrastinating like there's no tomorrow." Think about it. If I put off 'till tomorrow what could be done today, and I'm doing it like there's no tomorrow, I'm basically deciding not to do it. Clever huh? Ok way too much time on my hands.

Found something: I broke open a roll of dimes into the register, and lo and behold, its not $5.00 worth of dimes in there. Its $4.91. How does this happen you ask? One "dime" was a penny. Pennies are bigger than dimes, how could it have fit into the roll? you ask. Well, I'll tell you. This penny has been worn smooth to the point where Lincoln has become Lincoln's ghost. The edges are worn enough that it has the same approximate circumference as a dime, and about the same thickness too. I kept it, because my imagination began to run when I saw it. I wonder where that penny has been. No one knows the date it was made, maybe its a really old one, or maybe it is from last year. If its from last year, how did it manage to achieve its present condition in so short a time? It reminds me of a story I had to write in 8th grade about the journey of a penny. Actually maybe it was more like 5th. It wasn't a good story. I think my penny fell in the ocean and got eaten by a fish. And that was the end.

Ok that's all.

EDIT: Why would a fish eat a penny?

Just hafta...

MSN has an article about the 9 strangest attempts at tax deduction.

#9 is my favorite:

This one was so outlandish that Dittrick actually faxed us the two-page itemized receipt to prove it: "We live in an Amish community here, and we had an Amish guy who tried to take a deduction for his buggy with velvet interior, the whole works. It was tricked out. He was legitimately Amish, but with all the accoutrements on this buggy, when they're supposed to live the simple life, it was absolutely hilarious," she says.

How pimped out was his ride? According to the receipt, this baby came equipped with dash lights, kick plates, tinted windshield, speedometer, hydraulic brakes and dimmer switches. The standard buggy costs $2,675; this pimped-out version ran $3,545.

"He could deduct the buggy, of course, since it was used for business, but on that one, we had to pick and choose what we were going to deduct," Dittrick says. "But the Amish teenagers do go through a period where they sow their wild oats, so to speak, and put the fuzzy dice and boomboxes in them. Every so often in the police blotters up here you'll see a complaint about a buggy with music playing."

A wonderful night.

I don't really talk about my dating life that much, but this one just can't be hidden.

Imagine getting dressed up (not super dressy, but still makeup; that's more than usual) and putting on new earrings bought specifically for tonight and going to Panera Bread (not high class, but excellent food). Following Panera, we drive to quaint and upperclass Princeton (yeah I know Rutgers Rivals ok whatever) where we park outside a cathedral-converted-to-theater (McCarter Theatre). Inside we pick up tickets and he refuses to tell me where our seats are. Its a surprise. Once allowed into the theater, we waltz down to the very front row center and debate who wants seat 103 and who wants 104.

The lights dim, the announcer tells us to turn off the cell phones and unwrap our candy now, and then suddenly we are ushered into a new adaptation of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, performed by former circus performers... so you can just imagine how lively and... aerobic... the show got.

Finally, Alice returned to her chess game in her living room and the audience began to gather their things. But wait, the night is not over. Follow the White Rabbit's trail down the block a little to the Mad Hatter's Teaparty, where the two special drinks are the Mad Hatter Teatini and the Cheshire Smile (or some such name like that). While enjoying the live music and mingling with the guests, and later the actors, feel free to sample the catered hors d'oveurs:

~Certified Organic and Grass Fed Beef Tartar, Rosemary Crostino, Dijon Mustard, White Truffle (yes I am a lacto-ovo-pesco-pollo vegetarian *grin* but yes I ate raw beef to say I did it *grin wink*)
~Coriander Encrusted Aji Tuna, Pickled Jalapeno, Cucumber (spicy and sour)
~Oysters on the Half Shell, Champagne Mignonette (smelled good)
~Vanilla Scented Pulled Pork, Chive Crème Fraiche, Micro Greens (somehow, we missed this one)
~Lollipop Lamb Chops, Mint Chimichurri (had to pass it up to make up for the tartar)
~Moroccan Crab Cakes, Lemon Saffron Aioli (to die for)
~Cabrales Stuffed Dates with Jamon Serrano (in English, dates stuffed with cabrales cheese and wrapped in prosciutto from Parma)
~Olive Oil Braised Artichokes, Roasted Garlic, Pecorino (didn't see this one either)
~Roasted Butternut Squash and Fresh Sage Petit Quiche (like the crab cakes, orgasmic)
~Black Cecci Bean Bruschetta , Red Onion Confit, Olive Oil Whipped Ricotta (wow)

After three gintinis or Cheshire whozits between the three of him (he himself and him) I got to wrestle over the keys and force myself into the driver's seat. Overall... it was an excellent evening. And I now have a pretty oyster shell for my trinket collection and the mentality of a 7-year-old. All that, and since its in a college town, its relatively affordable. Granted... its PRINCETON... but still. They need things cheap there so they can save to pay off tuition loans.

If ever this show comes to your area, go and see it, and pamper yourself somehow before or after, even if that just means putting on makeup. It will make the experience so incredible.

More gifts from abroad

Tea tree oil soap from Australia, and Irish yarn!

And a $20 bill on the floor of Menlo Park Mall. Yayyyy. I know, its not abroad, but I can pretend. I mean, half the people there don't speak English anyway.

And Anissa just walked in with a necklace from Ireland too. Awesome!

Gifts from abroad....

So since everyone I know left the country and left little old me in New Brunswick, they have begun to bring me gifts from the places they went. Not counting the pre-Christmas Jamaican, Thai, and Hong Kong-ese gifts, James is the first- he brought me a black pearl from France. Its actually one of those bath balls, but it is supposed to turn your bathwater black and shimmery. Here is what it says:

Perle Noire- Boule de bain petillante. Tel un pirate, jetez perle noir dans votre baignoire et partez a l'abordage de votre canard dans une eau de myrre et d'encens.

Here is how freetranslation.com chose to put it into English for me:

Appear Black- bath Ball petillante. Such a pirate, throw appears black in your bathtub and leave has the collision of your duck in a water of myrre and of acclaims.

Aaaaand altavista.com (babel fish):

Perle Noire- Swell of bath petillante. A such pirate, throw pearl black in your bath-tub and leave has the boarding of your duck in a water of myrre and incense.

James is pretty sure that at the center of the pearl is a rubber ducky. That must have been one big oyster if a duck is the equivalent of a grain of sand.

I will keep you all updated on the gifts. Rumor has it (from the gift-bearer herself) that there is something awaiting me from Ireland. I hope that I will not have to translate anything from Gaelic. I don't think the web translators have that option.

Happy New Year!!

Saturday night I went to see Brittany and celebrate her 21st with her. Happy Birthday Brit!

Then for New Year's Eve, my parents came to visit and Steve and I went out with them to Luca's which is a really nice Italian restaurant. It was byob, but there was a liquor store next door, so we went to get a bottle of Chianti, which was cool because I've never had Chianti before, even when I was in Florence.

Then we went back to Steve's place cause he has a nice TV and we watched Cars because I thought my parents would love it and I am pretty sure they did (I fell asleep for a little bit). Then we watched the ball drop and brought in the new year (yay).

Then we went outside to leave and went back in to call the police because someone threw a bottle of Corona through the back windshield. But the police were really busy so my parents decided to just forget and go home (they were going to spend the night). On the way to my place to get their stuff the whole windshield caved in so at least that way my dad could see out the back window.

Isn't it nice to end the year with a bang? I think so. I think I'm going to smash something every year now. Only it will BELONG to me (*cough-JERK-cough*).

Anyway, 2006 wasn't so bad. Lots of changes, but not bad. 2005 was better, because I don't like change. But I grew more this year. Well both years. But more this year I think. As long as its not 2003, we're good. Here's hoping 2007 is not another 2003.

Yep that made sense. K Gnight everyone! Happy New Year!

A stage manager's nightmare...

... actors who decide to do improv on the night of the show.

"Went to Abigail's school Christmas concert. Each class did a little something followed by a song or 2. Anyway, Ab's class did a Nativity scene, with Ab as Mary. A few minutes into their bit Ab promptly lifted her dress & shoved baby Jesus up it. The script then wandered away from what they'd learnt & goes as follows:

Joseph: What are you doing?
Mary: I'm feeding our baby
Shepherd: Have you got a bottle up there then?
Mary: Don't be silly he's having milk from my booby
Joseph: That's disgusting
Mary: No, that baby milk they have in Tescos is disgusting. My baby's having proper milk.
Shepherd: What's a booby?
Mary: Those sticky out bits ladies have
Shepherd: They're not boobies, they're nipples
Mary: No they're not, they're boobies
Joseph: So why can't Jesus have milk from a bottle then?
Mary: Because I haven't got a breast pump with me - you forgot to put it on the donkey
Shepherd: Can't you ask the teacher for a bottle to feed Jesus with?
Mary: No because this is the best way to feed Jesus. Anyway bottles haven't been invented yet & even if they were I've just had a baby so if you think I'm faffing about round Tescos to buy baby milk when I make proper milk in my boobies you can think again.

I felt a teeny bit sorry for their class teacher - she did try her best to steer them back towards their proper lines but she was laughing so much she didn't really stand a chance. The line about Joseph forgetting the breast pump finished her off - she slid to the floor & couldn't get up for laughing."

Mom sent me that in an email... one of those forwarded things that went around the world. Poor Abigail is probably 15 now and mortified that the whole world knows about her school play, but that's ok. She can join the ranks with the Numa Numa singer and the Star Wars kid.

By the way, mom's in a group called La Leche League International, Google it if you've never heard of it, and she helps women breastfeed. Hence, why she thought it was funny and sent it to all her friends. Why she sent it to me I'm not sure. Must have something to do with the theater major in me.

K that's all. Christmas was good, I'm back in New Brunswick. Helene got in a fight with a customer on Christmas Eve. That's what the last manager was fired for. The atmosphere at the store has been pretty good lately, but I'm getting restless. If I can find something soon enough, I might still have time to cut my hours and go back to school.

Maybe. Anyway, Brittany's 21st birthday is Sunday, so midnight Saturday we'll be doing something. Dunno what yet. And New Year's Eve I will either go to sleep early or pull an all nighter, depending. I have to open the store at 9 on the first. Which means I get up at 7:20, and it just occurred to me I don't know if the bus will run then. Technically its a holiday.

K that's all.

Coming Year

"Lord, I lift ... up to you tonight. At one time or another, we're just unsure of what You desire of us, where You need us to be. Help her discern the path You have for her, and be able to tell what is Your will and what is a path that leads to nowhere. Lord, sometimes free will speaks louder than Your will, and we're sorry for that. Please give ... peace of mind and of heart in these days and into the coming year. In Your name I pray, amen"

Someone I know prayed that... and there's something in there that sticks out at me. I'm not sure why. But I latched onto it.

Christmas Eve Morning Service

A note to all musicians and singers everywhere:

The words are "gloria, in excelsis deo." The words are not "glor-or-or-*gasp*-oria, in ex-celsius deo." If its ex-Celsius and is now something else, are we talking Fahrenheit or Kelvin? I think we need to have a little Latin pronunciation lesson.

In other news, its good to be home in the boondocks. We still don't have a Christmas tree though. Its sitting on the porch in its little pot (one of those potted things that's only a foot and a half tall) because my parents didn't feel like digging through the Christmas stuff in our dungeon. Yes, our house has a dungeon. They were waiting for me to do it because somehow that was my job. I don't know I guess my brother takes out the trash and I decorate the tree. Kind of an imbalanced chore list but ok. Unfortunately they picked the smallest tree in the universe so there's nothing for me to decorate. I'm gonna throw some white yarn around it and put a tin foil star on top. That way I don't have to go into the dungeon either. If they can be lazy, so can I.

Ok that's it. I've got a headache so I think I might go nap before the Christmas Eve Evening service and the neighbor's holiday party.

Christmas in your arms

All my friends are asking me where I plan to spend the holidays
People seem to celebrate the season in so many different ways
Some go where the weather's freezing cold while others like it warm
I don't care about the weather just whether I spend Christmas in your arms

Chorus: We could drive up to the mountains, build a fire and watch it snow
We could sail down to the islands where the gentle breezes blow
I'd be happy in the city, I'd be happy on the farm
I don't care where I spend Christmas as long as I spend Christmas in your arms

It was only last December I had no Christmas spirit in my heart
My world lay cold and shattered in the ashes of a dream that fell apart
But now you're here beside me, no greater gift is wrapped beneath my tree
And the arms you wrap around me and the precious gift of love you give to me

I don't care where I spend Christmas as long as I spend Christmas in your arms

Its sweet. Its one of those songs that makes you sigh. Hollywood and Nashville seem to make everything about love seem so perfect, and I don't think it is that way. Maybe I just haven't found it yet. But if so, that seems to insult the good parts about all my past/current relationships.

There was something about this song that really made me think. There's nothing in the lyrics to suggest this, but somehow when I heard this song I realized a relationship really needs both people to work for it. I haven't been working for it. Its funny, I'm barely in the door in West Milford and suddenly things in New Brunswick seem so much clearer. I guess its kind of healing to go home for a few days. That escape I wanted, to somewhere, anywhere, the Caribbean or anywhere else... that's not so important now. I'm away... and I'm home. Somewhere comfortable.

Despite the comfort I might still spend the next few days a weepy emotional mess. I'm not quite sure why.

Big News

I still have a list of stuff I want to write about, but I left it either in my apron pocket or in my purse, and my purse is in Steve's car, and I am not.

So, I shall stick with the only thing that has been prominent in my mind lately. On Tuesday I went to Jujitsu. Barb began her usual push to see who is ready to test. Because the gym is closed for Rutgers' winter break, we are practicing in a church down the street. It is upstairs, so we are not supposed to take falls on the floor because it makes everything (down to the light sockets in the basement) rattle. To take falls, we use a small stage that kind of absorbs the impact a bit. So I'm standing on the floor and Barb turns to me and says, "The only thing keeping you from testing was your bridge fall right?" I said yes, that I had gotten it, but it wasn't really much to look at. I am still pretty bad and still scared to death. Its just not paralyzing anymore. So she said, "Do one." I looked at her, knowing we're not supposed to take falls, and she said yes. "Ready, 5, 4, 3..." I did one, she said it was ok, and then told me to schedule a test. It was on the spot... which was ok I guess. I told her Thursday, meaning two days of anticipation... and then started thinking. What am I doing? Do I want to test? Do I want to be here? I want to wait for Cara to get back from France before I test... All of that in .23 seconds.

So it was scheduled, I emailed the black belts asking them to come... etc... I went to work today at 8:00 and at 9:00 my joints were throbbing. I can normally deal with pain ok but I was actually thinking today I might have to take a 15 minute break just to let my knees and ankles rest. And wrists and shoulders. And back. Every joint in my body was yelling at me for some reason. And then I took a break to eat lunch, and sat down to read my jujitsu notebook while I ate. That was when I started getting really nervous. It was hard because I hate that queasy nervy feeling but good because that was when I realized that if cared about the outcome of the test, I'd get nervous. If I weren't nervous it would be a bad sign. So the first half of my day was painful and the second half was "I hope Willie can get here soon and keep me laughing so lunch doesn't come back up."

So today I tested. There were a couple of techniques I was doing wrong and had to do again correctly. But for a lot of them, I neglected to kiai (reminder for you non-jujitsuka: "spirit shout"). My intensity was also not very high. Barb had me step off the mat, gather myself together and bring a "go-get-em" attitude back onto the mat. It was at that point that I noticed the door to the rec room where we were was open... I had that quick intense longing to be a bird and fly out that door. I had a quick moment of panic: "I don't really want to be here. What would be Barb's reaction if I stopped my test?"

I gathered myself together and managed to bring my energy up. I was still having problems with the kiais though. Finally Barb said I had to do them on every technique till the end of the night and if I forgot one more time they would stop the test. Another distraction in my mind- instead of thinking about the techniques, I thought, "Oh don't tell me that, I might not kiai on purpose." I lost count of the number of times I tried to sabotage by keeping quiet but the perfectionist in me had to- HAD TO- kiai to do it "correctly." Gosh I hate caring about what Barb wants sometimes. I don't have anything against kiais really... I just didn't want to tonight.

Anyway, bottom line, they didn't stop the test, we sat and talked afterwards about the test, and I remembered how nice it was to just sit and talk to the higher belts... like I had them all to myself, not having to share with the other blue belts. They asked me what took so long (its been a year and 8 months since my last test) and I told them things in my life stopped moving forward, which they had for a while. I guess now they are moving again, though not as quickly as before and I think this test is the first in that series.

I mentioned my period of losing hope with jujitsu, not really caring whether I went or not, and how I stopped coming and then started again... Andrew asked me the question I escaped last time it was posed to me- "You lost heart but you still came to practice. Why?" I have no clue. It was an old habit, so I came.

Anyway, the convo (I used to call it an interrogation) went on for a while. We don't need the details here. Bottom line is, they promoted me. I'm now a Gokyu. Whee. Guess its like a birthday. I don't really feel any different.

Except for the whole hurting all over part.

I have accomplished. I am happy with where I am, and beyond where I ever expected to be. And without certain people cheering me on, or simply yelling at me, I wouldn't have gotten myself the umph to do anything... to even keep coming. I was waiting for one reason to leave and certain people kept convincing me the reasons weren't good enough. So really, this is for them. Too bad one of them wasn't there tonight.

progress

Making progress in a bunch of areas... I went to jujitsu last night. Barb asked to see my stime (right and left sides) and my bridge falls. I managed to do all without hyperventilating, having a stroke or panic attack, and/or breaking my neck. She said all of them were passable (though I'm making it harder on myself to do a bridge fall the way I've been doing it) as long as on my test I can do it within 5 seconds of them asking me. And I was taking maybe 5-10 seconds to get my nerve up. Geeze I don't know why I'm so paranoid about this stuff. Anyway, working with Jess was cool too... I treat her differently cause she now outranks me. Sorta like a big sister kinda thing. No not really. Just that she's been tested already so I asked her for a lot of advice... what did you do etc... Someone else asked me to be their uke for their exam, which means that they would do all their techniques on me. I said yes, but I'm thinking that Barb might see that as the only way to get me to test and might say "well you're here, why don't you be each other's ukes?" I don't want to be pushed to test 'cause... well I don't see why anyone would want someone taking more responsibility at a higher belt level unwillingly. It just means there's a higher opportunity for that person to drop everything and leave you hanging. I'm sorta hoping I'll find an opportunity to talk to Scott about it, because he's good to talk to like that. Its just so hard to catch him though.

In another bullet point of sorts, I drove home from jujitsu (Steve's rule is I'm not allowed in his car without being in the driver's seat) and had a perfect parallel parking job. It was awesome. For someone who was practically in tears over it a few weeks ago, I guess Steve's a pretty good teacher.

Next bullet point is about mirrors. I've discovered that I view things from a martial artist perspective now. I sorta knew this but it wasn't obvious until this morning. I was walking towards the bathroom before punching in this morning, and had to walk between two of the shipping and receiving guys who were standing in the doorway out of the loading dock. There was a mirror in front and to the left of me in which I had a clear view of the skeevy one as he checked me out. I had no reason to look in the mirror, because it wasn't directly in my path or anything, I just looked in it because I'm in the habit of finding ways to improve my peripheral vision. It was something to think about on the way to the bathroom. I realized I check every mirror I walk past in Nordstrom to see what's behind or to the side of me without having to turn my head. Hmm... interesting.

Next thing is latte art. I can draw little hearts and my initials in the milk like those fancy barista artists. And every once in a while something will happen where it will accidentally look like a bunny or what-not. But today I had the amusing thought that most of the time my latte art looks like an atomic mushroom cloud. Whoo hoo!

Also, note to every ignorant coffee shop customer. Don't go into a coffee shop, order a cappucino, and then ask for more coffee than milk. We will treat you like an idiot. There is no coffee in your drink. Its espresso. (Also there's no x in espresso.) And ordering more espresso than milk would mean at least a quadruple shot of espresso, which makes your drink $1.65 more expensive than you probably want to pay, and you won't like the taste anyway. What you really are asking for is more milk than foam but you're too dumb to know that. You need to find out what it is you are drinking before you order it. You shouldn't just buy something blindly if you don't know what it is. Would I go buy a dinner entree from a fancy French restaurant if I didn't know what was in it? No, I'd end up with something like snails and frog legs. Don't go buying caffeinated beverages if you don't know what you're getting. That's probably the reason Americans end up totally immune to caffeine to the point where they need everything with two extra shots of espresso and then a red bull to wake up in the morning.

ok I'm done ranting. Last thing before I go:

An answer to Michigan Dan: tipping is not required or expected. It is only appreciated. If we talk to you about something you like, if we smile, if we cheerfully remake your drink the way you like it, if we ask you how your day was, if you are a regular, if you are too lazy to carry change, then of course you are more than welcome to tip, but its ok if you don't. However, if you are rude, and you have a keychain that has a key to a Lambourghini AND a Porshe, and you order a complicated drink, and you don't tip, we will be talking about you when you leave, and will not be sending warm fuzzies in your direction. If its Chanel, her eyes will send daggers after you and you will drop your drink all over your Versacci suit.

Overheard convo...

Customer: What kind of music is this? Its pretty. I think I've heard it before.
Helene: I don't know, its some kind of Classical music. Mozart or something.

Me, in the back room, not in the mood to talk to Helene today, shouting in my head, "Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Christmas Canon, which is a children's choir singing a Christmas carol, juxtaposed with Pachebel's Canon in D."

Then, me, in the back room telling myself, "Oh my gosh what has Anissa done to you??"

Side note... both my bus rides today were in the dark. I saw the sun for like 10 minutes today. Woohoo. I may as well be in Michigan. Or the North Pole.

Tight places

I seem to enjoy the lists of things lately. This is my list of "tight."

1) My winter jacket, the warmest article of clothing I have ever owned, which Navin has dubbed "Chewbacca" is flawed in one aspect. The sleeves are too short. Boo...

2) Bad hair day.

3) Lost my favorite earings, the ones Sam's $20 birthday gift to me ended up paying for. They'll turn up, it just bothers me that as neat as everything is in my room, I still can't find anything. Reminds me of a coffee mug we're selling at the Espresso Bar. "Organized people are just too lazy to look for things." The more I turn it over in my mind, the more it describes me.

4) Thought about stuff I shouldn't have all day today. It got pretty crowded in my head. I wish some of those guys would leave me alone. Relationships with people are too tight right now I think.

5) Both of my legs are cramped, semi permanently, or at least until Dhaval and I start a MEP. My one ankle is a little gooshy still, so I wore an ankle brace today, because I knew the shoes I'd be wearing were ankle supporting, and yet possibly were tight in the wrong places for that ankle. More tight stuff, this time ON me.

6) The Kirkpatrick Choir and the Rutgers Glee Club teamed up, as usual, for the annual Christmas Series at the Kirkpatrick Chapel. Since Anissa is in the choir, we of course squashed ourselves in with the rest of New Brunswick to hear it. This series always sells out in October-ish, so its a big deal. I literally had to push James over in order to fit my butt into the pew- my butt... the one mom is always saying is just bones. Yeah it was pretty tight. But the music was simply fabulous. I liked the Kirkpatrick choir, but I have to say, I do have a thing for deep male voices, so the all-male Glee Club singing Silent Night a cappella was pretty cool.

7) Everyone went back to our place for cookies and warm spiced apple cider and homemade caramel. Talk about tight places. Still, it was nice being cozy with friends- seeing old ones, meeting new ones, and continuing the bonds with the current ones.

8) During the cozy part of the evening, I couldn't help but let my mind drift back to number four. I'm not really a good person when I do that. I don't really like who I am when I do. Its just that when everyone is talking at once and I can't follow every conversation at once, my brain fries and I withdraw, letting my mind wander. I shouldn't do that. It mostly wanders to the wrong places.

9) K that's it. No more tight spaces- well, one more. I'm going to bed to get cozy with my teddy bears and Yuen (my purple puppy). Gnight...

Quick one two three

1) Sunday. No bridge falls for me. I came much closer. But I landed on my neck. Which is not a big encouragement. I'm kinda bummed about it. But Scott led class and the whole night I had this feeling that my memory was being jogged. As if I was starting to remember what it was that kept me coming after that first painful week of Jujitsu. Something about Sunday night resembled what it used to be like there two years ago.

2) Tuesday morning/afternoon. Have you ever had someone say something witty to you and you laugh but then like 30 minutes later you think of a snappy comeback but the moment, and often the person, is long gone? That's a pain in the butt.

3) Tuesday evening. I want to rip my shoulders off. I've noticed that the people who don't offer to help me put away the heavy boxes from our food order are the ones who know I'm a martial artist. Oh she knows jujitsu? Ok I'm going to watch her struggle. So, I hold my stress about stuff in general in my shoulders and neck, and then add that to a food order and suddenly the tense muscles are contaminating each other and spreading into the lower back and all the way to my wrists. I wasn't taking any falls tonight at jujitsu so Barb had me walking around giving feedback. I felt pretty much useless. I didn't have the patience for much tonight, so I was afraid certain topics might come up if we all went out to the student center to eat, afraid it might ruin my night completely. Nothing much happened that was bad though, so that's something I guess. I'm starting to figure things out a little with jujitsu and its putting me more in a predicament because voicing what's actually going on in me is going to start a war. There's not really a good way to do it without somebody getting hurt. Maybe I'll elaborate sometime soon, if I can find a good way to do it.

Thats all.

dream

Normally I don't post my dreams publicly, but go the private route in Xanga. But this one was cool. Since I believe every dream has some sort of meaning, I thought this would be a fun one to open up to everyone else. Feel free to leave your comments. I have already found my own meaning in it, but will consider yours if you leave a serious one. Here's what was in my Xanga:

Talk about an epic dream...

It started with an old-black-and-white-movie-style dream. There were gorillas on a screen that I was watching, in a large viewing room, like it was projected onto a wall or something, maybe in the student center. The gorillas were eating "mud rice" whatever that is, and then began pooping and farting and laughing about their farts. It reminded me of some teenagers I know... just kidding. Anyway then some actor, like Gregory Peck or Humphrey Bogart walked into a sort of atrium thing and his wife was there. I heard a narrator say that without their knowledge, scientists had introduced a gorilla into the atrium to see if it was a man-eating gorilla. The man and his wife managed to outsmart the gorilla, but to do it, they were going to replace themselves with a "colored" boy. You could tell this was a 50's movie. But then it turned out that a teenage white boy went in instead, and the gorilla befriended him. Then the gorilla was gone and the boy was returning to civilization.

By this time I was in the movie. I walked into the atrium with the press (to see where he had lived). As I shuffled through the grass, I looked down and my sneakers were leaving sparks in the grass. It was very pretty because it was dusk so the multi-colored sparks showed up well, but it was distrubing. I kept telling people my shoes were on fire but they didn't see flames so they didn't believe me. I said, "My shoes are making sparks in a dew-soaked grass how is that not suspicious?"

I took my shoes off and went into a house. For some reason I had a lighter, that was sort of like a blowtorch. You open the extended arm thing and click the button. Then the flame goes on and stays on until you blow it out. I tried it just to make sure I knew how to start it. This little kid saw me do it, and thought it would be cool to take the string of a pair of swimming trunks and hold it on an exposed electrical wire until it caught on fire. He blew it out right away, but I saw the smoke and turned to him. "You shouldn't play with fire like that. I needed to know how to start this so I did. You shouldn't even think about lighting your shorts on fire." I looked for his dad to find out why there were exposed electrical wires in the house. His little sister was watching, so I gave them all a lecture about how electricity works and why its dangerous. I found another exposed wire because, it turns out, the little sister had tried to cut the cords with a pair of scissors. The dad went right to work covering the wires with electrical tape. I was talking to the kids and I asked the little girl her name. "Zuede." She had to spell it for me, that's the only reason I know her name. I can't remember the little boy's name.

Then suddenly, I was a few years in the future. My brother was "all growed up", and we had a grown sister too. I think we were all about the same age (triplets maybe?). We were tracking this girl for some reason (she was one of the bad guys). My brother was driving a boat (could have been my real life brother cause he has his boater's license) alongside another boat. My sister and I had to do some actrobatics and jump into the other boat while both were going top speed. Then we were on land somehow. My sister was walking next to the girl (they were both gorgeous, like the hot-girl-in-a-movie kind of a look. The girl was changing disguises so I was too (cause I think for some reason I was suddenly in my sister's place). My sister was trailing us (but I was split- I was watching myself walking next to the girl.) and her job was to grab the other girl as soon as we got to where she was going. She grabbed the girl by the throat and the girl became invisible, but was still there because there was still a struggle. Then I was no longer split (watching myself doing something), but was actually a part of the action.

My brother's voice came in and I realized we were in a virtual training program, like an extremely advanced version of the Nintendo Wii. He said we got her, but not in the right way, which is why she disappeared. In the next part of the program, I would be on the boat alone and my brother would be controlling it by remote control. I think I still had a little control over the steering because I could see better what was around. I got on the boat and it was a large speed boat, but as the program went on somehow it became a little waverunner or something. I suddenly realized I was in Venice. I took a wrong turn and thundered down some stairs (through a restaurant), almost rammed into a Cunard Line cruiser, and nearly took out a kid posing for a photo in a cap and gown. But I found the bad guys' boat.

Then I woke up freaked out because my pillow was sticking up and leaning over me like a gorilla hovering over my shoulder. I sat bolt upright. It was kinda funny.

sleepy

I just went to see Happy Feet. Its really cute. I also thought it was cool that they somehow managed to make Mumble's expressions look like Elijah Wood was making them. He's an actor with awesome facial expressions.

I sorta identified with the movie cause, 1) I know what its like not to be popular. 2) I know what its like to find your heartsong in your feet 3) I know what its like to hear music and think "dance" instead of "sing."

And then there was always Ramon, who tricked himself into jumping off a cliff. That's me at jujitsu I think. "I can do this, I can do this, I just gotta trick myself- hey, what's that? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" If anything, that'll be how I end up doing a bridge fall. I mean, I've done one like that before too. But I mean a real one. I had to trick myself into doing a fake one and then I will work my way up to a real one. Eventually. It might take till pigs fly.

Quick change of topic. I'm happy, but tired and when I get tired, I start to think a lot. I'm a little worried about something. I'm afraid I'll let someone down. I'm afraid I'll do something I will regret in this one area of my life. But probably, I will just forget about it.

I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

Just a list...

1) I was thinking about the other day, writing about iced cappucinos. There's another drink that doesn't exist that gets under my skin.

Customer: I want a regular coffee.
Me: Ok, what size would you like?
Customer: Regular.
Me: Small, medium, or large?
Customer: Regular.

Arghh. There's no "regular" size on the menu above my head, nor have we done a study to see what size is most popular or determined what might be considered "regular". Regular means its not decaf, you still have to specify a size. I am about as indecisive as you are and if you make me pick a size for you my head will explode. You want the darn coffee, make a decision about it. I don't want coffee, therefore I should not be expected to make your decisions for you. I have no idea how many times this conversation has happened. Arghh.

2) In other news... I saw this at Target the other day. What will they think of next I wonder?

3) I think I have the Anissa syndrome. The one where someone indicates to you that something will happen and then when its ten minutes after that something should have happened you discover that they refuse to answer their phone to even give an excuse, and then you take it personally instead of realizing that some people are just oblivious to what their actions are doing. She's been in that situation before. Now I know what it feels like.

4) At first, you pulled me off balance with your verbal kazushi and it ended in a verbal hip throw. Later on it was a verbal grappling match and I learned a lot from the grappling practice, even though a lot of times I ended up getting choked out. But now you are beyond me, you are not using rank appropriate techniques, and I can't see what's coming next anymore. You are tossing me around like a rag doll and I'm getting as bruised as I do on the mat at jujitsu. The problem is, I love it, just like I love jujitsu. Ironic that I'd say that, considering the things I'm going through at jujitsu. Its true in more ways than one. You might be really smart in a lot of things, but you are a white belt when it comes to interacting with people.

Running...

Cyrus is back in town, YAY. Anissa is happy I'm sure. In my opinion they are really cute together. I remember a few months ago when Anissa complained about being a fifth wheel. She said sometimes a third wheel is useful but a fifth wheel is utterly pointless. I was a fifth wheel today, and it wasn't really as bad as she made it sound.

We (the jujitsu crew plus some) went to U-Yee's for Sunday Half Priced Sushi. It was cool and weird at the same time. Weird for me only. I'm sure everyone else had a great time. Cara even came back from France just to eat sushi. Then we went to Fusion Ti and had bubble tea, which was awesome.

Afterwards a bunch of us hung out at The Guys' place, and it was nice, but I was a wallflower, not by anyone's fault, its just that with that many people I withdraw. I can't help it.

The past couple of days I've had this itch to go somewhere. Taylor and Navin are going to Australia. That same week, Anissa and CJ are having a girly trip to Ireland. I'm going to have the house to myself, so everyone, including myself, has been suggesting I go somewhere too. But there's a time and place for travelling alone and that time is not now. I need someone to come with me. I also need money, or a cheap place to go.

After searching online for flights to "anywhere," on "any date" after January 1, I have discovered that online airline websites are not set up for people who are leaving someplace, they are set up for people who are going someplace. Someone once told me that if I'm going to run somewhere, I have to make sure I have something I'm running towards, and not something I'm running from. Its a good idea.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to follow that advice. I want to get away because I don't want to be here, not because I want to be somewhere else. Therefore, anywhere that's not here will do, and that doesn't give me anything to run towards.

Last time mom was down here to visit she mentioned something about how this year will be the first in a long time that neither sibling has been in school. Ever since I graduated from 8th grade, my brother and I have been in separate schools, which means that our winter and spring breaks are never at the same time. Now that I've graduated, my brother's breaks will mean neither of us have school. So to make a long story short, she hinted that it would be cool if we all could go somewhere, somewhere meaning the cruise she took with her mom and sisters once.

I'm hoping maybe this cruise, if it happens, will cure the itch I have to get away. I don't know if it will. I don't know if anything will cure it because what I'm actually trying to get away from is inside me.

Things I've never done...

Today, I did a bunch of things I have never done before. Men beware... female language is used.

1) I have never been to a mall or anywhere in the vicinity on the day after Thanksgiving. Until today. They had to pay me to get me to go. But I made good tips.

2) I have never given my blog address to a coworker. I'm ok with this, however, just for now, some of the entries are going back to "draft" status.

3) I have never been caught in a daydream that ended with, "Oh my gosh I want to rip out my uterus and strangle that woman with it." I think you all know which woman. I wasn't even super serious... the complete idiocy of the idea made my day that much better. I laughed inside and then the sun started shining again. It even made me stop cramping a bit.

K that's all.

this didn't fit in that last post.

I don't know what's happening here. I don't know why you're closed off. I don't know why you'll open up to other people and not to me. I don't know why I'm crying right now or why it bothers me so much.

I don't know why I can write a post about how great Nordstrom is and then in two minutes my mood will swing to the teary side and I will be mad at you but at the same time endlessly forgiving because for some reason I forgive you instantly, but resent others. Why should I forgive you? I have no reason to. You lied. The lie led to certain actions being taken, which hurt me. But for some reason I forgave you and took the hurt inside and resented people not connected to it at all. Why would I do such a thing? I don't know. I tried to stop resenting but I couldn't. I tried to stop forgiving but I couldn't.

I tried to be a good Christian girl and then I tried to figure out what that meant. I tried to give the entire situation to God but He must not lock his cages well enough because it keeps escaping and coming back to me with its tail wagging and its tongue hanging out, where it then proceeds to dig up my flower garden.

I miss being friends with you.

Sigh...

I'm gonna start with yesterday and work my way forward.

At the end of the kids' jujitsu class, we all did a Rutgers cheer towards the Raritan River, and the stadium beyond, since the biggest game in 137 years was starting right as kids' class was ending. After the kids left, we went out on the roof of the gym and looked towards the stadium, where we could see the lights. Every once in a while, there'd be a cheer (44,111 voices!) which was cool that we could hear it from that distance. When we went downstairs for adult jujitsu, we had the gym supervisor poking his head in to tell us the score.

I got checked out in jujitsu. For you non-jujitsuka, thats sort of like a pop quiz to see if you're ready for the final exam. You can't test for the next belt without being checked out. This is the second time I've been checked out. And I'm probably not testing soon. This time, for different reasons. In May, it was mental. I practiced the techniques. I didn't actually DO them. Now, according to Rod, that part is ok. Its the bridge falls I have to work on. Or rather... I have to actually do one. I had it sort of in May and then lost it. I haven't done one since then. And I'm terrified to do it. I don't know why. And this time... I don't have the patience to be pushed to do it. In May, I had Barb stand over me and say "Just go, do it, NOW." And after a few false starts, I went and did it. A poor one, but I did. And I got used to doing it.

Now, I don't have the patience. If she does that again, I might lose it and flat out refuse. I don't know how she would respond to that either. I don't know how I would respond to that.

So, this little blue belt won't be losing a stripe quite yet. I feel like I SHOULD be sad, but I'm not. I really don't care. I'm starting to get that uneasy feeling... because there's a lot I don't care about, and I feel like I should be caring.

After class, we walked over to the student center. College Avenue was DEAD. A ghost town. Cue sound effect #39, crickets chirping. Everyone was inside watching a TV or over at the stadium. You could have gotten away with murder; there was no one around to witness it. Even the police were in the student center watching the game. Anissa did 90 on George St after her class because the only ones around had their faces glued to the front window of a bar, trying to see the tv. Even so, there was still a tiny buzzing in the back of our heads, the helicopters from Homeland Security just waiting... biding the time until all hell breaks loose at the end of the game. It could either be a good all hell breaking loose, or a bad one, depending on the game.

We got there by the 4th quarter, and saw Rutgers tie it up. The tension in the student center was crazy, you could cut it with a knife. I thought Cara was going to have a stroke if she ran out of nervous habits. Then, the cheer that went up at the end of the game totally released all the tension.

Minutes later, College Ave was a madhouse. A whole mob of people marching down the street screaming... cars honking horns... helicopter floodlights roving around like the eye of Sauron... it was crazy, in a cool way.

So yeah. Yay for Rutgers. Way to be crazy. Of course we won... its the way of the RU Screw. You think its smooth sailing, and then BAM they drop your class. Or in this case... win your game.

Oh yeah. And thanks to NYC for lighting up the Empire State Building for us. Cool effect. Why are we always sharing sports teams with you guys?

Lotsa stuff...

I got a lotta catching up to do.

1) Thursday at jujistu, Rod was working with me and Wild West Alan (geez my friends need to stop having the same names as each other). Most of the time I was wondering about the time and wishing jujitsu would hurry up and end. Scott, who was in charge of us, noticed me I think. Somehow he knew I didn't want to do the techniques. So he pulled me aside to work with me separately. He showed me a handkercheif that he had folded up in his hand. My job was to get the handkercheif in any way possible. The only rule was no biting, kicking, striking, etc. So it basically turned into a grappling match. I got the handkercheif from him twice, and I knew what he was trying to do. It was an object lesson- in the same way I see the handkercheif as a goal and go for it, I also have to see every technique as a goal and go for it. That was what he said but there was more he left unspoken... which I think he was saying in his mind. In the same way I see the handkercheif as a goal and go for it, I also have to see my next belt level as a goal and go for it, because once I set my mind to do something, I'll be able to. I appreciated his efforts, but I secretly felt bad for making him take these lengths. I don't know if I'll ever test. While I believe my belt level is a goal, and I believe that if I exert myself, I can accomplish it, I don't believe I will, because I don't really have any reason to. I barely have any reason to stick with jujitsu, its just something I keep doing cause... I don't know maybe its habit or something. Its like I haven't really found a reason to quit yet.

2) On Friday, Cara, Steve, and I left for Virginia. We were parked (literally) on Rt. 78 in PA for 2 hours. Pennsylvania I think is where they put the Twilight Zone when they stopped filming it for TV. West Virginia and Maryland went by quickly, and then we were in VA. We were there to visit Gus and Hazel, a shichidan in judo and his wife. Upon arriving, we discovered he's way more than just a judoka. First of all their relationship is adorable. They have the love of teenagers floating between them, and yet they are well along in their years. Its so cute to see them acting silly... It makes me glad I never have to worry about growing out of it. Then, they kept telling all sorts of stories about each other- mostly Hazel telling us about the strippers dancing on his lap when he was in the Navy, and about his doing handstands on top of the Roanoke Star (the largest manmade star in the world), and showing us his rock collection, which included a geode made on the inside of a clam shell, weird iron-looking rock found only by him and part donated to the Smithsonian, and a piece of petrified snake poop. Well anyway, all these stories are interesting and everything, but we were down there to visit his dojo. It was a really good experience and we learned some cool stuff. Or, more variations on stuff we knew. I am glad we went down to visit, especially since the way back was actually in daylight and I had no idea Virginia was so beautiful.

3) Remember remember the fifth of November- gupowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.

I've been thinking about this lately. Today is Guy Fawkes Day. V for Vendetta, a new movie (old book and comic book), has made the day more famous, but maybe for the wrong reasons. In the movie, the day was supposed to be used as a day when V (and his followers) could stand in opposition to the government control and censorship. While its a good movie, and valuable because I live in a country that doesn't censor that type of movie, I don't think its really accurate. Guy Fawkes (a catholic) tried to assassinate the king for religious reasons. Today, Guy Fawkes Day is remembered, not because of his actions, but because he was tried for treason. People burn(ed) effigies of him and the pope on this day. To me, that has nothing to do with the movie. So while I still like the movie, I've lost a little respect for it... because accuracy is important to me.

4) The male race is amazing to me. Sometimes baffling and mind-boggling, but tonight I'm thinking that men are stronger than I give them credit for. I realized that its easy for me to become vulnerable and cry in front of people, and I thought guys were silly for not being able to do that. But today I saw that it is much harder to want to both cry and be strong for the people you're with, and choose to hold the pain in until those people are gone, because you don't want to add to their pain by crying. Instead of choosing not to be vulnerable (weak), he chose when to be, and that I think, is a greater feat. Not necessarily something one should do but something that is very difficult to do, once chosen.

5) Condolences to Michigan Dan, who had to delete his blog. Merely a year old. We'll miss you little blog... *sniff*

6) From Cyrus' xanga. I think every woman should see this.

November...

I used to dread springtime for the memories. I think now, its November. Not only does every culture celebrate death with Halloween, All Saint's Day, Samhain, and Dia de Los Muertos, but in England they celebrate the death of Guy Fawkes and here in the US, we have election day.

Yeah... little kids get to associate death with costumes and candy. I can associate death with elections. When politics comes around, I want to die.

Can I just say, I don't like any of the politicians out there and to use a quote from a fond friend, "If you're a (fill in blank here) the only good you are is a good source of protien." My blank would be "politician". Of course, I can think of one person, who if he still reads this blog, would be highly offended. I'm sorry to him, because I know he's into politics. In his case, he's a good source of "friend" but I have no use for politics, elections, government leadership, etc.

So, mom registered me for an absentee ballot, which came yesterday. Unfortunately for anyone hoping I would vote, yesterday was also the deadline to get the ballot in the mail. Unfortunately for me, mom knows how to lay on the guilt.

I hate fighting with her. I've never fought with her about anything except voting and political issues. I didn't want to register when I turned 18, I didn't want to vote, in fact, I have never been inside an actual voting booth while being a reigstered voter. I have filled out an absentee ballot, once. Unwillingly. Knowing my parents would probably not speak to me for a week unless I filled it out. As it was, I had enough trouble as a result of my asking them who to vote for.

Its not even that we disagree about the issues. Its just that she strongly believes in something and I don't give a damn one way or the other.

Sorry for the language... I know by comparison that's really mild but usually I don't speak like that... I'm just upset. I hate arguing with my mom, as I've already mentioned. I get the Republican party emails, which I read but don't care about. And everything in there is exactly the opposite to what the Democrats are saying, even when it comes to plain facts. So one of them has to be wrong, and I really don't care which one it is. The sky can't be green and purple at the same time.

But she cares and its not Biblical to withhold your vote from an election. Well I have news. Elections aren't Biblical either. Back then it was either monarchy, Hebrew judges, or chaos, and sometimes the chaos made more sense.

I guess... I have other things on my mind this month too. Maybe its influencing my decision making.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

My blog is officially 2 years old today, and Michigan Dan's blog is officially one year old today, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY to both our blogs.

Yay.

Quotes

Someone sent this in an IM which I thought was a really nice thing to get.

"there are a number of people online right now on my buddy list. i have read over all of those names and chosen 4 of them. As I think about the four of I have, some of you may find this message absolutly insain, but Im sorry, you have to accept the truth that you deserve this[...] I know...its crazy. I LOVE YOU. You have effected my life in some indescribable way that compells me to send you this message. God, I can not put it into words how happy I am you exist. One more time, I LOVE YOU. Have a blessed life."

And then the other thing is, I just HAVE to quote Michigan Dan's blog (I've explained this before, its Michigan Dan to differentiate from all the other Dans I know). Here goes:

-(to a person in Goth regalia): "Hey, what made you decide to go Goth?"

Goth: "Because I don't want to look like everyone else. I want to be unique, and individual, and not like all the other freaks out there."

-: "But you look like all the other Goths."

Goth: (can't repeat it here)


I think reading this in his blog made my day.

Funny Quote...

I opened today and looked in the red book at yesterday's comments. One was that more than two people should have been scheduled to handle the Rec meeting. That means that someone wasn't at the bar helping out (probably Helene), since we DID have 3 people yesterday. The other comment in the red book was this: "Customer complaint: 'Music makes me want to kill myself.'" That made my day. Finally someone with the same mindset as me.

The other thing was after work, I went with my mom to Coldwater Creek. The end result was she found a leather jacket she liked, and another suit jacket that was also on sale. Then I found a different leather jacket that I liked, and then SHE found a leather jacket that she liked on me. All of this was jackets that were on sale marked way down- at least 50% off. So I got a jacket and then mom got me the one she liked, saying it was a Christmas gift. So that was cool.

And that's all I guess. I got yelled at by one of my coworkers for shopping at Coldwater Creek. "Coldwater Creek??! That's old-woman-clothes!" (As if I have never seen the clothes in there for myself.) "Why don't you shop at Express, or B.P.??" (Umm... cause I LIKE the clothes at Coldwater Creek...)

Ok now I'm done. The music comment was the highlight of my day... that and getting $200 worth of leather for $90. Half of which mom wants to pay for.

ahh philosophical discussions...

So, I had some time free today so I spent it talking on AIM to people I haven't talked to in a long time, just because I haven't been around much lately. The following question was raised.

What happens when: a person we'll call A sins, and knows its a sin and feels guilty but for whatever reason can't quite get the initiative to stop. So, God removes the entire opportunity for the sin all together, much like a parent removing that sticky white paste from the kindergartener's mouth. A is grateful for the help in the cessation of the sinful actions. However, instead of getting closer to God, as might be expected to happen from the removal of sin in one's life, A finds that he or she cannot stop thinking about how complete and fulfilled they felt, during that period of sin.

If such an instance were to happen, one would be forced to question the standard idea that God offers completion and fullness in all things that, say drugs or alcohol cannot offer. (Lets assume for a moment that A's sin was not drugs or alcohol but something more unique.) Essentially, this situation would cause a person to question God's omnipotence. This further leads to the question, "Is questioning God's omnipotence a sin in itself?"

I'm sort of rambling now, so I'm going to stop there instead of writing a Philosophy 101 paper. If anyone has any comments, feel free to share.