hiding

This is stupid.

I just tried to write a poem, but I'm out of practice now. I deleted it. Prose doesn't express me anymore. I tried to go back to poetry but that didn't work either. I need to find a new medium. Perhaps sitting under my tree at Passion Puddle is a good medium.

Anyway... Stuff's happening. And {certain group goes here} jump to conclusions about things, or otherwise act in ways that I figure they have good reason to act that way, but I had always hoped they wouldn't. And its not nice when people simply don't understand my reasoning and I feel incapable of explaining myself and my actions.

But other people understand. That's good. That's a really good comfort to me.

I went home this weekend. It was strange at first. I felt like a stranger in my room, and like any minute, the person who really lived there would come in and ask what I was doing in her bed. I realized as homesick as I can be for West Milford, my home right now is New Brunswick. And I was kind of sad and happy with that. Added sadness when I graduate and move back to West Milford. If that actually happens. I mean... I'm pretty sure I'll graduate. But maybe I'll move somewhere else. I don't know where I'm going. Or if I want to go. I'm glad I'm getting a degree in theater, but I don't think I really want to use it. I think I want to do something that comes naturally to me, like cooking or cleaning, or babysitting. Yeah, I don't particularly like babysitting because I'm not fond of kids, but they like me, and I won't show them I'm only tolerating it. Maybe I'll do that. Its what comes naturally. I don't have to work at it like I do with acting. Notice that's a lazy way of thinking. Maybe I'm just having a lazy day. Tomorrow I think I'll change my mind again.

I will say this... I'm pretty proud of myself that I started at Rutgers intending to do theater and have made it to my senior year at Rutgers, and will graduate as a theater major. Not to have changed my mind after almost four years is a big thing. Maybe I should find a way not to be such a butterfly.

Ok that's all. I'm gonna go shower off my jujitsu sweat and go to sleep.

jujitsu promotion

Just a note here to say congratulations to Steve, who tested last night for Yonkyu, a green belt. Good job; that color looks good on you! :-P

(For those of you who don't know... the colors are: white, blue with two stripes (my rank), blue with one stripe, green, brown with three stripes, brown with two, brown with one, 1st degree black, 2nd degree black, 3rd degree black, etc.)

That's sort of all i have to say right now. Its good to be back in the normal school jujitsu routine, instead of the summer schedule. It feels more natural. And I'm now in the intermediate class that's closed to white belts. How special do I feel? Hahaha.

I've decided I think my favorite part of jujitsu is promotions, seeing people move on to new levels. I think its cool because so often, I see people move on to new levels in other ways. Emotionally, spiritually or whatever, and that's exciting. So its neat to see a physical image of that. Kind of an object lesson. And I can't wait until I see a black belt promotion, 'cause from what I hear, its a little different from the others. So when I hear that people are about to test, its exciting.

Oh! And congratulations to Cyrus, who gave his thesis defense today. Its all behind you now, so you can breathe again! YAAAAYYY!

Ok, I'm gonna go do some things... bye!

she made me feel special...

This first part may be a little out of context, but this comment just came in:

"That's psychotic, Meghan, you're the bestest friend ever!"

So, while it DID make my day, I can't really explain to you why being a good friend and psychosis are together in the same sentence.

restless

I'm kinda tired... but I can't sleep. I don't want to. I want to stay up and think about things I shouldn't think about. I guess... its kind of... cause I'm a little bit bored. The classes I picked for this semester are great, but they don't require a whole lot of out-of-class work- at least not yet. So I sit around and think. And ordinarily that's good, but tonight its not. I guess I'll just go to bed, even though I don't want to.

change to my blog

If you've noticed, I've been getting splogged and blammed. (Blog spam!) So, I'm changing the format of my blog. Now, if you want to leave a comment you have to prove you are actually a functioning human being and will have to type the word that you see. Since automatic systems don't see things, they obviously can't pass the test. So if you are blind, sorry, you can't leave messages either. Although, how you manage to get a braille computer screen in the first place is beyond me. Sorry for the inconvenience.

forgot one thing

So, I wanted to say something with vindication in my voice. Last week, I really needed some mints. So, before class, I went to the vending machine and put in 60 cents, punched in the numbers, etc. The mints never came out, and my friend said something like it was not stocked correctly, so you have to watch for them and if it looks like its not stocked properly, don't put your money in because it won't come out. I asked my teacher who I should go to to get my money back, and she said some office on college ave, which is more effort than 60 cents is worth. She also said she wasn't going to stop me from giving it a good hard kick on the way out, which I seriously contemplated.

Then today, I was in the same building, in front of the same machine, so you'd think I would learn not to bother with those things. But I was looking at a key lime, white chocolate almond joy that looked sooo good. And it was close to the front, and looked like it was stocked properly (for all I know about these things) so I got out my 75 cents. And guess what happened? The stupid machine gave me TWO almond joys, which means I not only got my 60 cents back from the mints, but I essentially got 15 cents as well. So I decided I got my revenge on the machine-with-a-mind-of-its-own. And that's my triumphant story.

I'm sure you cared.

dance

Ok... this is going to sound strange to some of you who know me best. I'm a dancer. I love to dance, but I've never had any formal instruction, aside from a month or two with a couple of broadway dancers from my church. And now, my big revalation is this: I hate my dance class. Well, not hate exactly. But I really dislike it. The odd thing is, its not really going to be something I'm going to dread every week either. I'm just not into it for some reason, and I'm not going to look forward to it every week. Not only that, but if I were to stick through it for the exercise... well, I sweat more during jujitsu. And I stretch more during jujitsu. And I breath more in jujitsu. And my heart rate is higher in jujitsu. And... you get the idea. I'll give dance class one plus though... I can learn rhythm better in modern dance than in jujitsu. But when I dance, I've never had a problem with rhythm. Anything I learn about rhythm in this class, I probably won't apply to my dancing but to jujitsu, because that's where my rhythm is always a little off.

Anyway... its kind of a weird revelation that came to me today. And it confused me for a bit because I know how much I like dancing. But I'm guessing that because I've never had formal training, now that I'm getting some, I'm just not used to being unable to "do my own thing" independently. Oh well. I'm gonna stick with it... I could use the credits. If I'm grouchy Mondays or Wednesdays, its 'cause I got a work out without having fun.

So, having said that... I don't know what else to write about. There are a lot of things I could say, but I don't know if I want to. I'm enjoying life, but there are also things unexpectedly going wrong.

And I really want to go home. I miss my hometown and haven't been there for a lazy weekend since mid-May. I want a lazy weekend. I guess you could really say that now, in my 4th year of college, I'm starting to be homesick, something I haven't really experienced too much of.

So that's a genuine update... no wasting time on okcupid hahaha.

hrmmm

Ok so those OKCupid tests were pretty useless. But this one that I just took was actually fascinating. Its the Ghenis Khan Genetic Fitness Test. The introduction is really interesting, in my opinion.

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=6936188936100731841

Paraphrased so you don't have to read it to understand, its all about how success at life on planet earth is all about propagating genetic traits, and by that standard Ghengis Khan is the most successful human. Then they test you to see your likelihood of living long enough (healthy, not smoking, etc), to have children, family history and fertility rates, etc. So my results?

273,290 descendants after 32 generations (which is the amount of generations Ghengis Kahn's family has had). I'm more genetically fit than 52% of the current population. Here's what they had to say:

"Not bad. You're no Mongol warlord, but to have that many copies of your genetic code running around 800 years from now is pretty impressive.

You're in the lower middle of the scoring spectrum, but, honestly, when you consider that the cheaters, swindlers, and football players of this world are statistically best-equipped to create children, scoring low is something to be proud of. As you'll see below, some of your lines will die out, but nonetheless your genetic material will thrive here on earth for a long time to come.

A close friend of mine created a program to generate family trees for this test. It's based on your unique answers. We accounted for sterility, birth rates, death rates, disease, drug abuse, nitwitism, and accidents and came up with this, for you:"

The family tree was interesting. It shows my three children will all make successful matches, but since it is only supposed to track by gender (ie: girls track matriarchal lines, guys patriarchal) one of my children's lines will end because they will have a male child, and another's lines will end in someone fitting the "sterile, malformed, incompetent, bungee-jumping, or otherwise genetically useless descendent" category. The third child has two kids, one of whom is also a bungee-jumper. After the third generation, the little people symbols get too small to really see, but I was counting, and I'm pretty sure the program accounted for all 273,290 of them. Hehehe. Anyway. I am done reporting on my descendents. Though... I kind of hope the world won't last for 32 more generations. Its going to pot already, I think it would be hell for the people alive 800 years from now. Anyway... maybe another interesting test is in order. I'll let you know.

whatever

Have you ever talked to a brick wall? Actually, sometimes its more like talking to a black hole. At least with a brick wall, there's some sort of echo. Some evidence that you are actually speaking, as proof to yourself that you said what you thought you said. Or sometimes its like a German going to an Italian opera. Non ho capito. Actually... come to think of it, when I was in kindergarten, my teacher would whisper "Jessica swung the bat at the ball" in someone's ear, and then that person would whisper in someone else's ear, and then when everyone had been whispered at, the last person would come up with something like "just string the cat up in the hall." And then the teacher would say, "I never said that!" And then all the kids would get a good laugh. That's kind of how it is now. Only no one's laughing. And I'm the teacher. And we're all playing kindergarten games. And growing up is too much work.

Ok so I got that off my chest. I don't know what it did yet. But its here for me and now I can come back and read it when I need to.

dancers who dance...

I'm thinking of a song. Actually a couple of songs.

I haven't been writing in this blog lately about God and what's happening between him and me. So... here goes. Lately, I've been seeking His guidance for a lot of things. I've been relying on Him to help me with decisions and always to remind me that He's there, to keep me in line. I've been getting closer to Him.

The next thing I have to say may or may not be controversial, but... I believe Satan hates that. I believe he's attacking some areas of my life, and trying to distract me from God. But God gave me people who will keep me on track, which is what happened tonight. We prayed together, and God came and watched over us while we prayed. And it was amazing. And I came to the realization that all the problems I've been having can be patched up, one by one. I decided I had a lot of emails to send to people. Then I came back from jujitsu, and I had an odd experience.

Well, one that made me remember some things that happened to me once. One that resembled a time in my life when I was under the most pressure from Satan. And I once again gave God the power, but I got angry, just like before. Fuming mad at Satan. And he's not a guy to pick a fight with. So I'm trying to cool down here.

I'm still going to go ahead and patch my problems up though. 'Cause its evident someone's trying to stop me. But God is now the owner of my problems and my progress. If Satan wants to sabotage that, its between him and God. I can't get involved in this, as much as I would like to. Cara's always telling me to grr in jujitsu. This is it. I'm grring now, only its not jujitsu, nor is it safe to to so.

Well then. That's it. I'm not afraid of threats. Fear gives a threatener power over me. I can't do that because God already has power over me.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

i'm back

Well hello. Its been a while because I went to Michigan to visit family and there's no internet... not to mention cell coverage either. There's nothing up there but a dirt road and a lake where I had lots of fun in the sun... err rain. Now that I'm well rested, school starts today haha.

I was supposed to have good dreams last night. I had a disturbing one. It involved violent animal experimentation, using a product to see how well they would heal from serious injury. I was disgusted. There was a dog with his belly slit, a man with his head chopped off, and a cat attacking a rabbit. The dog and rabbit healed just fine. But the man grew another head and the head grew another man. It was strange. Then I dreamed I finished writing my book, but there was one person I didn't want to read it, for spiteful reasons. And then someone who will remain unnamed came over to see me. And I treated them poorly, and they treated me poorly. And it was kind of like being awake because we normally don't treat each other very well. And the whole time, I felt really badly because it was worse treatment than I've ever given them in real life. We don't have a good relationship. And I went back and they were crying because they couldn't have what they wanted out of me. And I said, I don't regret our relationship, but... X... and they said, then I have to go. And I started running after them, saying, That's it? You're just going to walk away and I'll never see you again? And they said I have to. I said There's so much to talk about, and they said I can't. So I stopped running, and watched the person leave. And I didn't feel like crying because I'm done with tears for them. But my heart was tearing into shreds inside. And then I said one last thing, whispered, knowing they wouldn't hear me. And then I woke up.

This is all cryptic. I can't say who the person is, or what was said... Only what happened. So its not as strong emotionally as it was in my dream journal. But I had to share it because if you see me today and there is heart shrapnel coming from my chest, you will know why.

On a separate note, someone didn't do something for me, and then later they did, saying they felt badly about not doing it. Now I'm in their shoes, only things are slightly different and I want to do for them what they didn't do for me, but I don't think I have the guts to do it. And its going to bug me all day.

So if classes today are boring, I'll have a lot to think about.

can't sleep again...

Yeah I can't sleep. At least I don't have head monsters again. This is something else entirely. I should sleep. My final exam is tomorrow. But I can't. I have head butterflies because something happened to make me happy. For all of you who know, I've been tormented by stuff lately. And the stuff is still there but its not tormenting me anymore. I won't let it. And I haven't been this happy in a long time.

On a separate note, someone did something this weekend that bothered me. I'm not losing sleep over it. But it hurts. And it was immature of the person. I never thought they'd be capable of hurting me. But that's ok. People are people. I'm still going to be there for them if they ever need me.

Something else to talk about... in jujitsu today, we focused on grappling. It was a lot of fun. I think it helped me in the other areas of jujitsu because it helped me focus and commit to what I was doing. For example, if we just do throws all night, its not very threatening; it becomes very practiced and choreographed. But in grappling, if someone's trying to sit on my chest, I know they mean it, and its like I rise to meet the challenge. Then once I'm in that mindset, I can put that commitment into the other things I do and it makes them better, less choreographed. Except for Sasae Ashi. I'm still horrible at that one. Its evil and it hates me.

Ok on that note... I'm going to make a half-hearted attempt at sleeping. And the other half goes to thinking? Perhaps...

Ok bye.

Hi

I can't sleep... when I close my eyes, something happens to wake me up. Occasionally its an external source, but sometimes its the monsters in my head. I have to meet with my study partner tomorrow so I really need the sleep. I just can't. So I thought I'd say hi to everyone. Even though everyone else I'm pretty sure is asleep. Except maybe Cyrus, who might still be jetlagged from spending the summer in Taiwan and then coming here on Tuesday. Welcome back Cyrus :-)

So yeah. Hi everyone.

...

I did something that had to be done even though I didn't like the thought of it. And I hoped and prayed that it could someday be undone. I believed with all my heart it would be undone. And for 8 months I nursed this hope, despite the energy it took from me. And after that, the hope started to slip away from me. I tried as hard as I could to hold on to it. But I realized, I was tired. It was like running in a race and I simply didn't have the energy to hold on. And supposing I did manage to secure my hope again and keep it from slipping away, I certainly did not have the energy to continue keeping it alive much longer. So, after four months of trying to hold on, I let go. And as soon as I did, I realized that the energy put into it, and the agony, and the emotion had taught me just how much I am alive. It makes life so much more vibrant when you can feel it, even if some of the feeling is pain. And as soon as I let go, I realized perhaps I was wrong to give it up. But it was something I simply could not hold onto any longer, and if I was in fact wrong to give it up, I will have to deal with the consequences of my mistake. There's no going back anymore, because it is over. Perhaps I'm wrong; perhaps its not over. But I believe it is, and it is my beliefs that will control my emotions and my actions.

I was watching an anime today called Fruits Basket. I like it because it doesn't revolve around fighting. There is some conflict in it, but it has more to do with character development than anything else. If it were a full-length picture with real actors, it would land in the chick-flick category. So, something that struck me today was this: (in part because of its similarity to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) The main character is talking to a boy who tells her about his mother. The mother then walks up, and speaks to Momiji (the boy) without recognizing him as a son. When she leaves, he explains that when he was born and it was discovered he had the family curse, his mother rejected him and had a mental break-down. To help her, her memory of having Momiji was erased, and she no longer recognizes him as a son. Despite the pain Momiji endures because of this curse, he is still one of the happiest, care-free characters in the anime. He explains that his mother's experience has convinced him to live his life so that his memories would never have to be erased. This doesn't mean avoiding bad memories, but learning how to grow through them so that by the time you are done learning and growing, even the bad memories will be important milestones in your life. In the anime, Momiji is only a freshman in high school, and one of the older characters mentions how interesting it will be to see Momiji all grown up (he sometimes dresses like a girl and acts like a child) but in writing about it just now, I think Momiji is one of the most grown-up characters of them all. Just analyzing it right now somehow seemed to have a profound meaning for me... and I had to stop typing and just take it in.

Anyway, this is me, trying to make hard times be important milestones in my life. This is me, living with a knife in my heart when I think too hard.

friends

I just wanted to thank all of my friends for putting up with me. I haven't been having the greatest past couple of weeks, at the same time, I've been having the time of my life, and I have my friends to thank for it.

I'm glad you all give me an outlet to vent my feelings, as well as the great memories of things we do and places we go. You're all incredibly awesome.

my day

So... I was trying to be optimistic with that dove entry... but it only holds out for so long. I'm trying to be transparent now, we'll see if it works. I spent the afternoon crying because things were piling up. Then I dried my tears, and left all my problems in my apartment. I went to jujitsu and managed to leave everything bad off the mat. Its funny, right after I tested for blue belt, I started learning how to do a stime (for those of you who don't know, a stime is a sort of aerial somersault where you land in a side-fall position, rather than on your feet- sounds painful but isn't unless you do it wrong). Then, I just kept getting injured in ways that made me incapable of practicing stimes. I couldn't understand why, but after today, I think I do. I don't claim to know God's reasoning for letting things happen, but here's a good idea I've got: injuring my thigh/hip forced me to focus on my falls, and make sure I stay straight. Without that, stimes would be torture. In addition, waiting until tonight to work on stimes was perfect timing. Although I was drained from an emotional day, the incredibly hard work on the stimes kept my mind occupied, and off the rest of the day. In terms of emotionally struggling, doing stimes tonight allowed me an outlet... to sort of take it out on my body. Like I did last summer working at Betty's on the rock wall. I'm not saying that injuring myself in order to postpone stimes to this moment is the whole reason for the injuries, but they can be good things too. There's always something good about life, even the bad things.

Having said that, doing stimes correctly feels like flying. I've always wanted to fly. Its really a wonderful feeling. I think I'm going to like this.

Anyway, I came back from jujitsu and lookie there, my problems were waiting for me at the door like lost puppies. I cried again, and this time, it felt like the tears were productive. I really wanted my mom to come and hold me. And I called her, but she wasn't home. All the same, the tears did something, and I don't need to cry anymore... till something else happens haha. Now, after a refreshing shower and a good cold glass of water, I'm all good again, and Anissa and Sam are here. Which is why I've gotta cut this short. But I've said what I wanted to say. So that's all. Thanks for listening to what I hope was me not holding stuff back, but really sharing about me. Goodnight, all!

omen?

I'm not superstitious... I just think omen is a cool word. But here's what happened. On the way home from class yesterday, I took off my shoes and walked barefoot under the trees outside College Hall. Just in time, I caught myself before startling a white dove at the base of the tree. Well anyway, my heart said it was a white dove. My head said it was an inbred, albino pigeon. But when I'm barefoot, my heart overrules anything my head decrees. Or at least, it did yesterday. It was so beautiful... and it decided it wasn't going to be afraid of me, and went back to its lunch. Something about it struck me... I'd like to feel safe and secure like that white dove. Well... that's all I have to say... there's more, about decisions and feelings I have, but I don't want to taint it, nor do I want to share certain things with the world on this blog.

lots of thoughts

So... one year ago today, I woke up feeling the worst feeling in the world. My dad was away, and I had fallen asleep in my mom's bed while giving her a back massage. I had dreamed of a harvested cornfield. There was nothing left except the broken stalks. And that was pretty much how my heart felt too. A vast, endless expanse of nothing, where once there had been something living, and growing, and beautiful. I opened my eyes and thought... "So this is what its like to be single. I had forgotten. Somehow, I don't remember it hurting this much." Then I had to get up, and go to work, and act like I had always acted, be friendly for the customers, put on a happy face. And after that, people told me, "There are other fish in the sea." Which is kind of a way to make the hole in one's heart even bigger, if said at the wrong time. And for the first 8 months, it was the wrong time. So, for those people, thank you for caring about me. But it hurt. Now, I'm almost done healing, and it doesn't hurt so much. Yesterday, I went to Italiano Carnevale with Andrew and James, and we sat on the back of the rescue truck and watched fireworks, and walked around watching people on rides, and smelling cotton candy and funnel cakes. It was so much fun, having friends like them, and ignoring my homework, just doing summer-things together... and the side-effect was a great relief: not thinking about the past. Last night, in the dark, hugging my pillow, it was hard not to think of the past. But it wasn't so bad, having so many new reminders that life moves on, and things heal. There have been so many people and events in the past few months that have moved me closer to healing than I was able to move before that. So... that's what's happening right now. In case anyone was waiting (im)patiently for my updates...

My birthday today

So... I turned 21 today. Happy 21st birthday to Sam as well. I've actually postponed our birthday, so we can celebrate it together. So yeah, Sam and I need to figure out stuff and make decisions about what we're gonna do.

Anyway, I woke up this morning to a really strange dream. So of course that warranted going back to sleep and staying that way until noon when Anissa called to wish me a happy birthday. I then watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which sort of had the opposite effect on me than The Notebook had. I was also surprised at Jim Carrey's performance. Its good to see him breaking out of the mold that Hollywood had put him in.

After that I had some alone time, reminiscing, reading journal entries about my past birthdays. It was extremely tempting to get depressed, especially knowing I can now theoretically drown it, legally. But I didn't. I don't think that I will. Things would have to get much worse. Earth would have to be invaded by aliens. Anyway, the birthday wishes came today from all over... Germany, Cape Cod, Edison. But the wish I wish I'd gotten never came. I doubt this date was forgotten, perhaps just not important anymore. And I guess thats for the best.

Then I went to Marita's Cantina with Andrew, James, Anissa, Brittany, Rod, and Cara. It was awesome, and Brittany brought a smiley-face ice cream cake for us to share, and gave me a couple of things, one being bubblewrap. Anissa gave me an awesome gift, because it was music, and I always ask for music but people never believed that was what I really wanted until last Christmas when I got bombarded with it. And Andrew gave me a couple of little things, one of them also being bubblewrap. Either great minds think alike, or I'm incredibly amused by simple things. I'm inclined to think its the latter. Not because they aren't great minds, but more because they totally don't think alike. Andrew put his computer genius skills to use and created a website link where I have to enter a secret code and something might happen. Its like a sort of treasure hunt, and it makes me think the gift I have for Andrew's birthday is lame in comparison and I have to think of something else interesting.

Anyway, I had an incredibly awesome birthday, and I'm so grateful I have friends to celebrate it with. Thanks, guys.

call me oscar

I didn't get enough sleep last night. Totally my fault. I got up and went to study with some friends in the library for a test today. Not my idea of fun. I did well on the test and then beat myself up over the answers I got wrong. I came back to rotten food in the fridge, none of it mine because I am in the habit of eating my food before it goes bad. I called the Flower Station to see if I got the job, and was ridiculously inarticulate, but now I'm waiting for their call. I can't set up the voicemail on the phone because of some sort of system error and I can't call the customer service people because I'm not the account holder. So I said screw this I'm taking a nap. And then Brittany called because she's lost in Edison like, 14 miles in the wrong direction. And she walked there. And she doesn't have the energy to walk back. And mapquest doesn't recognize the road she thinks she's on. I would go back to sleep but I'm waiting for a call I might not get for a job that I don't really care about at this point. I'll care tomorrow. But right now I just think I'm going to sit in my grumpiness and be grumpy and avoid thinking about things right now because my mood would bias any sort of decision I came to. So... yeah. Sorry to dump all that on everyone. But that's my day for today.

independence delayed

So... July Fourth came and went. I'm only beginning now to think about the meaning of it, especially since I remembered that I watched "National Treasure" recently. Implausible movie, Indiana Jones style, but still, something was said that I found important. "A toast? To high treason. That's what these men were committing when they signed the Declaration." That's what the whole thing was about. I never thought about it before, but someone had to have the idea: "Hey, I'm sick of this King stuff." Someone grew up hearing stories from the classics, Athens, Sparta, Rome. They heard about how people could make their own choices and govern themselves. And they said, we should do that. We should try a form of government that hasn't been used in 1700 years. And we should risk our lives to do it.

Do you realize how crazy, insane that sounds? And yet, delegates from each of the 13 colonies signed it, and were willing to risk everything for it. It makes one wonder. Could anything that revolutionary possibly take place today? I think people would have to change drastically in order for them to be able to try to do something so drastic, interrupting their daily lives like that. Anyway... that's just tonight's roaming thought. Partly brought on by my trip to DC, partly from National Treasure, and partly from an email I recieved containing the full text of the Declaration of Independence.

Off to bed for me. Night!

shouldn't be on here

So, in theater history, I have a quiz tomorrow, on a play I haven't finished reading yet. So I really shouldn't be on here. But my brain is tired and my ankle hurts, so I'm taking a break I shouldn't be taking, to update here.

I went to Washington DC for the weekend. I had an extraordinary time. If it hadn't happened exactly the way it did, I don't think I would have had as good a time. And I got to eat at an Indian restaurant, which was good, even though I could hear Anissa's voice in my head: "Ahh, my mom could do it better, and make it cheaper..." So that was DC. And I enjoyed the company. I couldn't have asked for better, though I'm not going to let James forget that he could've come too. And should've.

It's the fourth of July, I got to see fireworks and hear Lee Greenwood on the radio, at the same time. So that was an excellent fourth of July. My housemate has a friend over, and she's a little tipsy. Not too much right now to report in terms of new developments.

Except there's something that's been on my mind lately. A couple of people have thought that a friend and I are more than friends, and I am inclined to think that it is only because this friend happens to be of the opposite gender. Its made me think... perhaps in this society, some unspoken law was written that girls and guys can't be good friends. If so, I kind of wish someone told me about this law before. That's not to imply I wouldn't still be friends with him. But sometimes its nice to know beforehand what you are getting yourself into. Now, I'm not quite sure how to reconcile the "discord" if that's what you can call it. Its not exactly discord. But it feels like that sometimes, because in one sense, I care about what my friends think of me. But at the same time, its not going to rule my life.

Anyway, I'm starting to zone out. Which means I'm starting to let my mind wander, which means I'm going to venture into uncharted territory while extremely tired, which is not a safe thing to do. I might get hurt in there. So, I'd better go back to reading. Goodnight.

yaay

First of all, I have to express my admiration for 12 grain bread.

Second of all, I have to announce and express my deep pleasure at having a working soundcard thanks to Andrew, who bought one that he didn't need, which rendered his old one also unneeded. Yaay for consumerism!

And lastly, read this:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8321110/?GT1=6657

I'm not sure I want to know how much it cost for Snapple to fail. But, to think, it was made only 15 minutes down Rt. 1. How close we are to history in the making. 200 years ago, people could've said that about the making of the Constitution. Now I'm saying that about a giant melted popsicle. Again... yaay for consumerism! Only this time my yaay was sarcastic. At least before it was genuine.

Am I being too cynical? I think its cause I'm short on sleep. I think I'll go take a nap. After a giant bowl of ice cream that was on sale. Yaay for... ok. Bye.

confession

Ok... so a really bad thing happened today. My teacher was talking about Corneille (a French playwright in the Renaissance) and about how he was offended when the French Academy didn't like his play, so he stopped writing for three years. Discussion turned to honor, and how anybody back then was willing to fight each other or die for the sake of honor, and about how there was less of that in the United States, even back then. "However," Letwin continued, "There was one famous duel in the States, can anyone tell me who was involved?"

Ok so the bad thing that happened was this... testament either to my lack of knowledge of US history, or to the fact that I'm obsessed with the 19th century western American frontier history... the first thing that popped into my head was the gunfight at the OK Corral between the Earp brothers, Doc Holliday, and the Clantons and McLaurys. Thank goodness I kept my cowgirl mouth shut. The real answer is the duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr that happened 77 years before that...

At any rate, I felt compelled to share that with whoever cares... and if blogger would let me insert aim smiley faces, I would at this point insert :-[ that one. Try it in aim, you'll see the rosey cheeks...

Random bits of nothing

Ivan suggested I do this every once in a while... so here it is. The theory on why global-warming is nothing more than a scare:

There are places on earth where exposing bare skin to the open air for even a fraction of a second will lead to frostbite. However, even in the hottest locations on earth, excluding volcanoes, there is no place where exposing bare skin to open air will lead to an instant burn, sunburn, heatstroke, etc. Therefore, the cold temperatures are more extreme than the hot temperatures, assuming that extreme can be defined in an egocentric way and that the limitations of the human body define "extreme." If the cold temperatures are more extreme then they affect the overall temperature of the earth by absorbing the heat. Therefore, the earth is not as hot as it could be. And global warming is not yet a threat. Because the earth is relatively cold. And I'm cold a lot, especially in the winter. And its all about me. Egocentric.

Having proven that the earth is cold, one can deduce that camels are physically incapable of eating strawberry poptarts. Shall I continue? Ok, so the earth is cold. Therefore its not hot. Therefore there is not enough natural heat to toast a poptart, since of course camels cannot use a toaster because they do not have fingers. And of course, you can't eat a poptart without toasting it. That would be ludicrous. So camels can't eat them. Test my theory. Have you ever seen a camel eat a toasted poptart?

Ok right... so this is totally just sad. I am avoiding reading Tartuffe, by Moliere, for Theater History. I have to go find other senseless things to do. Because I'm just not going to make it as a scientist.

...

So, I ended up going to the wake... It was odd. We got there before a lot of people arrived, so when we walked in, T almost couldn't believe we were there. It felt strange... because we're growing up. He lives in California now, teaching snowboarding. My mom talked about having a reunion some time with all the people from my class, but they'd all have to travel really far to get there. The answer to that would probably be to meet somewhere where everyone actually wants to go, like Cancun. In which case, snowboard instructors and theater majors like me wouldn't be able to go. Which would defeat the whole purpose of a reunion, if no one shows up.

Anyway, it was cool how the teachers from school were there to support him. The gym teacher, the third grade teacher, the eighth grade teacher, and the principal were there. It was cool to see how they are still involved. It must be neat to be a teacher... seeing your students grow up, knowing you have made some kind of influence in their lives.

So, that's what I did today... Yet another blast from the past. This whole weekend has been full of them.

news from home

So... I'm home for the weekend. Have you ever had one of those experiences where you come home and feel like you are being bombarded with news of things that happen while you are away? Like maybe you shouldn't have left because the stuff wouldn't pile up like that and ambush you all at once?

So anyway, here's what happened. I went to a small elementary school for 6 years. I was pretty close with all of my classmates, though now that I'm out I realize it wasn't as close as I once thought. Anyway, today I found out that T's mother died, and I feel awkward because I don't know if I should go to the funeral or wake. I spoke with another of my former classmates, who said he wasn't going. On the other hand, I did go to E's dad's funeral just after September 11. I'm having trouble deciding how loyal of a friend I'm supposed to be, after seeing someone no more than 3 times since the 8th grade.

The next bit of news is that my elementary school gym teacher was at a graduation party that I attended today. So my past is bombarding me. Her twins that I last saw when they were in diapers are now about 6 or 7 years old, and she has another daughter that I didn't know existed, who's 3. It was good to see her again. She was one of my favorite teachers. I remember once, the girls' gym class was missing almost all of the girls for some reason, and so the three remaining girls and the teacher just sat on the gym floor and played "Mandible" (ie, flap your jaw while you have girl talk). I remember she told us about how her husband proposed and we all thought it was "sooooo romantic!"

Final bit of news, also involving someone I met through my elementary school, only he also went to my church so we kept in touch and I think of him as one of my big brothers, additionally, he's engaged to my cousin. Anyway, he's been in Iraq for quite a while now (serving there for the second time) and I found out today, he is finally home, the last of my three "big brothers" who went to Iraq. So now I don't have to spend more time awake, praying and thinking about any of them, at least until the US gets involved in some other entanglement.

One more thing to say that really isn't breaking news, its just what's on my mind. I saw someone at the graduation party, and we just talked, catching up on stuff. It was the most natural thing in the world to talk, and yet felt so strange anyway. Because, in the back of my mind was the question, does he think about me the way I think about him? Does he feel like he is over it? Does he realize the distance I am beginning to put between us? How would he react if I started dating again? And yet, despite all that stuff in my head, I realized I care about him in a different way now. I will stick up for him, I will defend him with my life, if need be, the way I would with all of my friends. There's not a whole lot that sets him apart from my other friends in my mind. I still don't understand why the pain had to happen, and in some ways, the pain is still there. But its irreversible, and I think for a long time I had been hoping that the pain was only temporary. That somehow, I could go back in time. I can't. The only thing left to do is heal the pain, not pretend it had never happened. I am grateful that I can count him in my list of friends. Just friends.

God

So, I haven't been writing anything about God lately. Mostly that's because God and I are having issues... and I don't know how to lean on Him like I should. Also, I can't talk about a lot of things here, I've been writing more often and finding that the things I want to say, I can't say, because certain people read it here. But this I can say...

Yesterday, my theater history teacher was talking about the Protestant Reformation and the religious wars that resulted from it. He said, "Who here considers themselves religious or spiritual in any way?" I think I was one of the only people who raised a hand. He asked what religion, I said Protestant, he said, "If someone came up to you and told you to convert to Catholocism or be burned at the stake, what would you do?" I thought, "As if my life doesn't have enough hard choices..." But the more I thought about it, the more disturbing my answer seemed. "I would probably convert outwardly, but still have my own personal beliefs inside." It might show how much my faith means to me to say I'd choose the stake, but really, it would not have been the truth. The reason that disturbed me is it seems cowardly and unzealous. I've mentioned this before... why do Muslims take their faith seriously enough to blow themselves up for their cause? I don't see very many Protestants with that level of commitment. I suppose part of the reason for my answer is that Catholics and Protestants worship the same God. If the question had been different and completely antithetical to my beliefs, such as, "Convert to Satanism or be burned at the stake," I'd choose the stake. But its somehow disturbing to me that Catholics and Protestants have in the past been so violent towards each other, when really, they only disagree on a few points that don't have much to do with actually worshipping God.

Anyway, enough of that. Yesterday, Anissa, Andrew, Brittany, and I went to get in touch with our childhoods. We went to see a 3-D movie called The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl. It was kind of fun to think like a child again. And yet, it was sort of a laugh-at-the-humor-not-with-it kind of movie. I thought Shakespeare used a lot of puns. But this totally topped him. Still, I got a cool pair of glasses out of it.

After that we went back to my apartment to make tortellini, corn, and garlic bread. By some freak of nature, all the food finished cooking at once, so nothing was sitting on the back burner getting cold. I guess that's not really possible since anywhere on the stove is pretty warm when its in use, but... you get the idea.

After that I did some heavy thinking that got me nowhere. In the bad puns of the above-mentioned movie, I wrecked my train of thought when I burned the bridge over the stream of consciousness. Yeah that was really bad humor. I'll have to change the subject.

I went to bed and had some insane dreams. I wonder if Andrew snuck anything into the tortellini? Among other crazy insane elements of my dreams, I was pregnant and in labor, and when I had the baby, I named it Asherah, someone took it away and I didn't care (some mother I'll be someday) and a little toddler needed his diaper changed and didn't have a mother, so I grudgingly changed it, figuring that I'd need the practice, since I'd have to change Asherah a lot when who-ever-it-was gave me my baby back. And in another part of the dream, Anissa was there, speaking in German, but I could understand her because for some reason in my dreams I've always been able to understand foreign languages. And now I'm awake, and class was cancelled today because my teacher is really sick. So I'm going to go use this time to catch up on my homework. Bye!

taking a break

So... I've been taking a break from my homework all weekend with various things. Particularly a carnival, shopping, a party, and my jujitsu notebook, all of which I may comment on here.

The carnival was Andrew's brainstorm. He seems to have a lot of good ones. Andrew, James, Brittany and I went and had a good time... I did anyway, I won't speak for everyone. We did the hangliding ride, which reawakened my desire to go hangliding for real, though I hear its really expensive. Maybe if I win the lottery or something. That'll be hard since I don't buy lottery tickets. We also stood around debating the best deal on tickets, and whether or not there really was a woman with the body of a snake. We did a really spinny ride, and got good and dizzy, and I overall enjoyed myself.

Shopping was relatively non-eventful. We got a couch for the apartment. Just in time, because the housewarming party was that night. Which was also really fun, but towards the end, with the late night... something started playing with my emotions. Perhaps I just started thinking too much... and surprisingly, it was not about the past. The party was actually better than I expected, and easy on me, since I didn't have a huge hand in the planning.

Today I cleaned the apartment, since it was tidy after the party, but not really clean. Then I worked on my jujitsu notebook, because you know, that's infinitely more important than the history of Rennaissance theater. For those of you who don't know, a jujitsu notebook is a notebook where I write every new technique I learn. No one can advance to the next level in jujitsu without a notebook. I've been falling behind in copying my scribbled notes into the computer, so I did that for hours. And now I need a break from that, so I decided to write a blog entry. I may just have to start reading theater history eventually though... I'm running out of things to do.

Cyrus stopped by today. I'm sure he doesn't want me to make a big deal about his leaving, but I will anyway. He mentioned as he was headed out the door that I might not see him again before he leaves. I don't think it really sank in until that moment. I'm sure that moment was worse for other people, not 'cause I don't care about Cyrus, but because there are a lot of other people who know him better than I do. But it still leaves me kind of sad and makes me wish the earth were smaller so places would be closer together. It also makes me think of other people who are now really far away. Oregon, Michigan, Arizona, Texas, South Korea, England, Austria, Canada, Tennessee, Georgia, California, Iraq... Heaven... I kind of wish they were closer to my backyard. But anyway... I guess that's what the internet is for. Well... except Heaven. But what I meant was the internet can bring Taiwan to my bedroom. Or where ever my computer happens to be. At the moment its my bedroom.

Anyway, that's a little bit of my rambling thoughts. The rest I have to keep to myself. Can't tell you all everything in my blog. What would I have to talk about when we're together in person?

clarification

So... my last post probably didn't make any sense to you. Me either.

I had this dream. There was a bad monster who had taken over the body of a good guy. I was with a group of people and we had to kill him to, I don't know, save humanity or something like that. Somehow, I can't remember how, we did something to defeat him. As he was dying, his body began to change between what the monster looked like and what the good guy (human) looked like. He was also slowly becoming monochromatic, and his limbs were contracting until he became a small black and white ball. The last thing to be absorbed into the ball was his head, so that he could still talk to us. As he was dying, he wanted us to find a guy from Boston, and he gave us a name or initials or something. When he died, we realized he had a human son, and also that he wasn't permanently dead.

So we had to find the guy from Boston to find out how to make the monster permanently dead. We did CIA-style research and found a woman who was a school teacher and during the summer takes part in a Salem Witch Dance on the beach somewhere. The guy from Boston was a friend of hers and played a "tire-guitar" in a New Age band, that had once played music for this witch festival thing. They both knew the guy who had become the monster because it was at the festival that the change had taken place, and I think that they may have been responsible for it.

The woman tried to make the monster permanently dead by conjuring up her image and an image of the man. She was trying to use her conjured image to manipulate the past so that the man had never existed. There was an old dead tree, the sky was dark, and her image was lit with purple and blue lights and there was fog and wind... typical horror flick. I had to stop her because changing the past would mess up the present and the future. If the man never existed, then he never would have been able to have the son, and he was a perfectly innocent little boy who deserved to live, and was there with us, begging them not to do it. So I had to stop her. I, and the people I was with, had some sort of other power, and I had to put myself between her and the conjured images, and put my left hand on her eyes and my right hand on her neck.

Then somehow, she and the guy from Boston realized that it was not good to change the past, and so they were looking for ways to keep this monster dead. They turned to me because they had been trying for years to kill this thing and hadn't succeeded where I had (with my group). They brought me everything they could think of that might help, mostly charms and things the man had once touched because there was some sort of power in them. Or something. It made sense to the woman and the man, but to me, they were just objects. I picked up a grey mallet of some sort and suddenly all of the items began to vibrate. The woman screamed that the monster was coming back to life. I think that's where I woke up.

So, that's the dream I was talking about before. I think its about a lot of different things. But if you take it just as a story, pretend its not a dream, pretend its a bit of folklore or something, there's a moral involved. Don't try to change the past, don't regret the past. Its over, there's nothing you can do about it, you just have to focus on what's in front of you and what the future holds. And in my earlier mumbojumbo about the road of life, I was starting to look at what might be ahead of me and I was starting to get afraid of it, but now I know that its the only thing I really have any business looking at. I read something from a book once that "only a fool walks into the future backwards." And it makes sense. You can walk into obstacles if you are not watching where you are going.

Which makes me wonder... did I walk into an obstacle and not realize it? Or am I supposed to be here, where I am right now?

hypothetical question

Suppose I'm on the road of life and I've reached path A. Suppose also that from where I'm standing, it looks like mile marker B is near, but I can't tell because my eyesight isn't perfect. It would be an enjoyable trip to reach mile marker B, but once I've reached it, there's a good chance that there will be pain involved for 2 people who will remain unnamed and uninitialed. Logical common sense would be not to reach mile marker B. But stopping on path A, or turning off path A or turning around and running in the opposite direction would also mean pain involved for 2 people who will remain unnamed and uninitialed. So, in this supposition, who is more important, and which pain is more devastating? And where do I stop for gas? And will the person pumping the gas be mexican, chinese, or indian?

And I just had a freaky dream this morning. I wrote the above last night, and I now realize the dream might be about that. The dream was about a monster that was both good and bad, and I wished it never existed, but then I realized that if it never existed, the young and innocent son also would not exist because changing the past affects the present and the future. And the young son has a right to live and exist, so the bad guy also must exist. And now I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm late for class. I'll have to analyze my life later on. Look for a post.

kazushi kidnapping

So... Friday I was informed that I should pack because I'm getting kidnapped for the weekend. I had no idea what Andrew had in mind, but since usually no one does, that didn't bother me much. I trust him... if you held me at gunpoint and told me to guess what we were doing, I'd probably come up with something involving Sam at the shore, since it is almost summer. But that's not what happened. I've given up on trying to predict things if Andrew is in any way involved.

We went to Camden, to the Tweeter Center, to a big, all-day country music festival. It was awesome, though at times I felt a little lost because, while I love country music, I haven't been exposed to it much, or should I say, I haven't exposed myself to it much. But I still had a really good time and enjoyed the music.

The other part of the kidnapping was that the 6 of us went to dinner in Philadelphia and had dinner at an Irish pub that serves Mexican and Cajun food. I haven't had Mexican food in so long, so it was tempting, but I figured if its an Irish pub, they probably do best with their own culture's food, so I got fish and chips. It was a really good choice. Anyway, then we spent the night at Andrew's friend's apartment, trying to ignore her cat Ollie. Ollie has this problem where its absolutely horrifying to him to think that humans actually sleep at night. He spent 10 minutes keeping me awake and then would move onto the next person, and visit each of us in succession, until we gave up trying to sleep.

Anyway, it was a fun weekend. Andrew kept me on my toes the whole time because everything was on a need-to-know basis. I'm usually not good with spontaneous, not figuring stuff out before hand kinds of events, but I managed it ok and I'm still alive and I did enjoy myself a lot. I think the mystery of it was a big reason. Mystery is fun if you're not totally stumped. Anyway, I had a good time.

It was good not to think about other stuff this weekend. I've had a lot on my mind lately, and actually, when I came back, I sat down and wrote a 12-page journal entry which helped me clear my head even more. Maybe I'll tell you all about it sometime. Maybe not. We'll see. Anyway, I gotta go back to my apartment. I still don't have internet, so you might not see a new post for a while, since it involves a trek to the library, only at certain hours, etc. Anyway, ciao a tutti!

trying to make this short

Ok so I'm trying to make this short, since I'm getting up early tomorrow, and I'm staying with Anissa, and I'm on her computer. This weekend was amazing. Thanks to Cyrus, Anissa, and Andrew who came over and helped me avoid packing. We made pizza and sundaes and did all sorts of cool stuff. Then on the last night of the Power Team, I went for the 4th time and watched them do their stuff. It was different from the other nights (as they promised), but it was alike enough that I was able to let my mind wander.

I realized that the one guy on the Power Team, Matt, is 23. That's a little over two years older than I. That means, here's a guy who is in full time ministry, doing something he feels God has called him to do, and touching people's lives in ways I could only dream of doing. It makes me kind of feel like a slacker. I mean, I know, I'm making a difference at college, and I know I would wherever I go, but I still feel like I should be stepping towards that one thing God must have created me for, that ultimate purpose. I just don't know what it is yet. Its making me a little impatient. Patience isn't really a strong point for me.

But I gotta cut this short. Today at jujitsu, we did trust falls. Last time I did them, I got dropped in the mud. No effort whatsoever on my catchers' parts. Just drop. So it was definitely a stretch for me. But it was such an amazing feeling to just completely let go. We did more than just your average trust fall. We did lean-off-a-balcony-and-let-go kinds of falls. And I discovered why Cyrus said something along these lines once: "Sometimes with jujitsu, I have to just let go of the thought that I'm gonna die, and do what needs to be done." Cyrus, if you read this, I probably horribly misquoted you. Sorry. But anyway, I discovered why he said that tonight. You totally can't do jujitsu trust if you are thinking about the fear or the height or the people. You have to let go.

And that's going to lead me down memory lane. I've had an object lesson similar to that presented to me in the past, about jumping off cliffs. Tonight... there's not so much regret anymore. I'm glad I jumped then. And I'm glad I let go tonight. Like I've said before, what happens physically often happens spiritually as well. For me anyway. I think for a lot of other people too, but not very many people notice it. Anyhow... bottom line tonight, I'm glad we worked on jujitsu trust. It felt closer somehow.

And now, I'm tired. I should go to bed. Goodnight.

powerteam

K... this morning I got up at the buttcrack of dawn because my mom signed me up with a driving school... I guess cause it lowers insurance or something. So sleep or the lack thereof was a big influencer in my mood. And the rain... weather always influences my mood too. And I'm pms-y. Sorry I know I have guys who read this too... but at the moment I don't care. And I spent the day "substitute" tutoring Krystal because my mom was exhausted and fell asleep, and Krystal needed to learn her division. So by 5:30, I was about ready to push everyone out of the house into the rain, starting with Krystal, lock the doors, and listen to Michael Buble sing Moondance on repeat for hours.

Instead, I got in the car with my mom and Krystal and my brother and we went to church to help set up for the Power Team. Or rather... my brother was helping, my mom was doing ushering, and I was trying to keep up with Krystal (what was that conversation we had the other day about quantum leaps? something about electrons that are so energized they go from point A to point B without ever being anywhere in between... yeah Krystal did that a couple of times today).

Finally, the Power Team started their thing. I sat in the second to last row to watch. The first thing they did involved pyrotechnics... and as I predicted, our stage is not made for that, probably not the foundation either, because I could feel the tremor when they dropped the tree trunk (2nd to last row). I was a little aggravated... I consider it my stage, since I'm the only one who remembers performing on it in a full-length show. Also as predicted, the curtains caught fire. Not big, just sort of smoldering... I didn't even see it, my brother told me because he was backstage. His job was removing cinderblocks and broken bricks. Anyway... the breaking, bending, folding, ripping, popping, and blowing up was pretty cool... and they said each show will have different stunts, using a car analogy, tonight was first gear. Tomorrow is second, etc... not that they will do the stunts faster... just, cooler. These guys did dangerous things that very few other people could do. And one of them holds five world records and used to wrestle with WWF. I think tonight I heard "don't try this at home" more times than I have ever heard in my life. And they're huge. I mean, we've got some fairly big guys in jujitsu. I'm 5'8" and the 4 jujitsu guys in this picture are all taller than I am, and are pretty well built:



Next to the Power Team, Scott (above, next to Erica) is a dwarf. Its a little freaky actually. Jujitsu is all about gentleness. You can be unconscious before you are even aware that your opponent is about to kill you. These guys are not gentle. If they wanted to kill you, be sure they can't get their bare hands on your skull to crush it.

So... I'm typing all this stuff to make it sound cool... but you've probably noticed its a little dry and I'm not gushing over them. This is because there is no feat of strength or power or might that will impress a pms-y woman. And that's that. There are still 4 more shows of the Power Team. You all still have a chance to see them. I guarantee that unless you are pms-y, you will have a great time.

...

BOO!

Did I scare ya?

church

So... I went to the once-a-month-night service at my church. They like to call it a school of prophecy, but that's not always what it is. Sometimes God makes other plans and we go along with them, 'cause... well, He's God.

Anyway, remember that guy a while back who I had seen at church a little, but never really knew who he was, and then one day he came up to me and said God told him he should come tell me something? Well, I've spoken with that guy a couple of times now, and its odd, but we never have just regular conversation. Its always him telling me what God has to say to me. And its always exactly what I need to hear from God.

So, today, I was sitting there feeling a little off, spiritually. I wasn't really getting into it. There were a bunch of activities going on, and I was just sitting there asking God why I came because there was just something blocking me. They were praying for people, and specifically they said they were praying for emotional healing, which I need. The other day I curled up on the couch to take a nap and instead I spent it crying to God about the past. So I sat there, wondering if I was going to cry again. I was telling God I want the memories to stop hurting. I want to keep the memories and cherish them, I just want them to stop hurting. "Do I really want to get over him? Doing that would mean giving up my hopes and dreams I once had. Getting over him would mean we weren't right for each other when once I thought we were. It would mean I'd have to sacrifice the hope I had for the future.

Then, I felt that tap on the shoulder. It was the messenger guy. "God wants me to tell you that He doesn't want you to be lonely. When you're feeling down, ask Him, He'll give you a hug whenever you need it." He stood up to leave. He's always short and to the point. "Oh, and one more thing. Don't you worry about who God has for you to marry. The perfect guy will come along just for you."

That one hit me like a train.

And I just tried a bunch of different ways to describe how I felt right then, and none of them fits. It was a good feeling to know God cares about me.

Anyway, after that I prayed for friends. And it was good. I didn't expect the kind of night I had, but it was not a bad night.

random entry

This is random... cause I have no homework telling me not to.

I saw a commercial the other day. It started with a girl on horseback, riding along a tropical beach that was obviously the West coast because it was sunset. Not sunrise, because its a scientific fact that sunset is always more vivid than sunrise. Anyway, following the image of the horsegirl was a girl jumping off a cliff into tropical paradise waters. Following that was a bunch of girls happily running along the beach, splashing in the water wearing sexy bathing suits. Then comes the voiceover that tells you what product is being advertised. Can you guess? Not a travel ad, or an ad telling you to come to Hawaii, but this: "Venus razors. The only razor that can make a woman feel alive. Venus. Be a goddess today."

Ok... I don't use Venus razors, so I'm not an expert. But it is my firm belief that there is no possible way a razor can make a person "feel alive." That's a stupid phrase. How do you actually feel alive anyway? Breathing, eating, sleeping, feeling your heart beating, that's not enough to make you feel alive? You have to have a razor to do that? Riding a horse on the beach at sunset. That's a nice image. I'd like to try it some day. But how does a razor make me feel like I am riding a horse? That makes no sense.

I can just imagine what they will come up with next.

"Sweetie, we're going to be late, lets go."
"I know honey, but I just got this new Gillette and I want to finish driving the Chevy down the mountain."

There's no correlation between the two, unless they've invented a razor that can sense when it is being used, and has a computer chip to send electrical impulses that can manipulate brain waves and evoke happy images of beaches, horses, and sunsets.

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. Its completely random. It has no substance. It was fun to write.

Episode III

So... whoever reads this, your lives would not be complete if you did not hear a full theatric perspective on the new Star Wars movie from yours truly. And if you already feel your life is complete without my comments, well... I'm the new emperor. I've decreed that your life is no longer complete without my comments. If you don't like it, there's a little X in the top right corner of your screen that will help you out.

So... as the movie began and the summary was scrolling down the screen to the tune of John Williams' fabulous music, I had a sudden flash. "Oh no! I can't remember the first two movies!" Then I thought of the comment in Anissa's profile where her friend says, "your not missing all that much honestly. some badly written stuff happens, anikin is a whiny SOB and thats about it." When I thought of that, somehow the plot slowly started piecing together in my mind, so I wasn't too concerned.

I will admit, I was impressed with it. I was a pretty big fan of the original trilogy, and a while ago, I did buy the published script of Episode I. And the soundtrack. But the novelty wore off a few years ago, and I'm just an average viewer of Star Wars now. But I was definitely on the edge of my seat a lot, through the whole movie. So that was a good thing.

My first reaction as the end credits started scrolling was,

***Spoiler below here***

"Well done, Mr. Lucas. You've successfully borrowed imagery from Lord of the Rings. Imitation is the highest form of flattery, so I and the other LOTR freaks out there salute you." If you don't believe me, go watch the last desperate struggle between good and evil both fighting for power in the depths of an angry volcano, so deep its clearly impossible for either character to get sufficient oxygen, and yet they do, because the volcano is somehow vital to the story. Notice I didn't state which movie I was talking about, because they are the same. Still, that doesn't make it a bad movie.

***End of spoiler***

My next reaction was "Why do all the awesome roles go to the guys?" Think about it. Hayden Christiansen got an amazing, fun, challenging role. Think of other movies you've seen. Boromir... an actor's dream role. At least, my dream role if I were a guy. Che from Evita. Christian from Moulin Rouge. And all the girls get to do is appear to the guys in blinding flashes of light and say, "I'm Arwen, I'm here to look sexy and heal you." Or in Natalie Portman's case, "Ani, I'm pregnant." Speaking of which... that was an awkward scene. George Lucas had the right idea in the original trilogy... no love scenes. Cause geeks aren't good at writing love scenes. Not neccessarily because they have no experience. I just think its something genetic. Anyway, theater major's comments... I tend to rip a movie to shreds even when I loved it. Hayden Christiansen did very well. He was awful as a good guy, but as soon as Vader started showing up in his eyes, that was when I gained a whole new respect for him as an actor.

And lastly, I felt a bit rushed. All the missing links between the two trilogies were filled in at the last second, when they had two whole hours when they could've done that. Not to mention two whole movies before this one. They didn't have to save it all for the end. But I guess its more theatric that way. Ooh theatrics I just remembered that one scene where I thought my heart was going to rip to shreds. I'm not going to put another spoiler in, but there's a scene with Jedi, and some kids, and Anikin/Vader and its really intense, very well done, and probably the best scene in the whole of the new trilogy. From my point of view. I like heart wrencher stuff.

Anyway, that's my opinion. If you haven't seen it, it was worth the $8 movie ticket. If I want to see it again though, I'll probably wait for it to come out at Blockbuster. There. Now everyone's life is complete.

dream

This is for Cyrus... dreams interest him. Like me. I love dreams.

I didn't have any significant, memorable dreams for about a month and a half, which is highly unusual for me. This morning, I dreamed that I was with a bunch of people from my past (though some were current friends as well). Somehow, we were sent to another world. At first glance, this other world was just like our current world, but there were subtle differences that we had to look for. There was no one who was native to this other world, only one girl. All the rest had somehow been transported there. Some of the inhabitants were only images, like mirages. So they didn't count as natives either. The major difference is that when someone from our world was brought to this new world, they would appear as they really are on the inside. For instance, some people are full grown, but act childish. So in the new world, they would actually be children. So I could be meeting someone in the new world who is my friend, but have no idea it was them because they would look different. This also means border-line horror film, because some people in our world are dead on the inside, or have horrible scars, that in the new world would translate to walking dead people, and other grotesque features.

I was brought to the world alone, but I knew that at the same time, there were other people that I knew who were being brought to the world. I knew there were some people from my elementary school, like B.C., and some people from my church, and some that I'm currently friends with, such as S.N. Also, K.G. was there, but I'm not sure if this person is a current friend or part of my past. Probably somewhere in between. I remember looking for M.C. from my elementary school, but I couldn't find her. Perhaps this was because she looked very different from the way she looks in our normal world.

After milling around a bit, and finding each other, everyone in this new world gathered in the woods for a campfire, except the one native inhabitant. I don't think the meeting applied to her. There was a religious leader (I don't know if I should call him priest, pastor, or what because I don't know what religion it was) who got up to do some sort of religious service. It sort of resembled a Catholic Mass, but slightly different, enough to make me feel uncomfortable that I didn't know what was happening. It was in another language too I think, which is unusual, because usually when there are foreign languages in my dreams, there's no language barrier; I can understand what is being said even when its in another language. In this dream, I was lost. I had no clue what they were saying.

At a certain spot, the leader stopped, and I felt like the people gathered were supposed to say "amen" or something. I was in a balcony area with some people I knew, and I sensed they also felt the same thing. I think it was on the tips of all our tongues, when the other people around the campfire began chanting and bowing. Since we didn't know the words, the people around me just said "amen" anyway.

I was standing next to S.N. and we were on the lowest rung of the balcony railing. It was wobbly, so I took her hand and we hung on to each other for balance. K.G. came up between us, and took my hand away from S.N. I had a flash of nostalgia, and the memory of my past hurt a little. I pulled away and went to the edge of the balcony where the stairs were (my left if I'm facing the campfire). I sat down on the stairs and put my head in my lap, with every intention to cry, but no tears came.

I heard a voice near the campfire, and I looked up. It turns out that this other world was a virtual reality computer program, and the guy who wrote it was at the campfire talking about it. As he talked, we were brought back into our world again. Then I woke up.

I just wanted to put this dream here, because its been on my mind all day. Well, not all day. But its on my mind now. Its the first dream after 40 dreamless days, and I want to know what it means. I'm getting the sense that its about people I need to forgive. And other stuff. I don't know. This dream has me stumped. All I can say is, I hope the part about having no more tears left happens for real. I'm tired of the pangs of nostalgia, I'm tired of crying about it. As tired as I am though, I don't know if I want to let go.

So... that's my dream, and some comments on it. Anyone want to add anything?

confession

I'm a soft American.

A rare occurence for me, this post is slightly political in nature. Usually I avoid politics in general. But Anissa sent me this article and its made me think.

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050516/ap_on_re_us/newsweek_quran

Sorry to let some of my more political friends down, but I'm not going to debate it. I'm going to state my reaction, which, because of who I am, will naturally take a religious twist.

I'm a soft, complacent American. I don't have a clue, because even America's homeless are better fed than some people in the world. I don't know what its like to live in constant fear for my life, in constant fear that someone will discover my religious beliefs. As hard as it is to be daily surrounded by people at school who don't understand or give a darn why religion is so embedded in my life, this is cookies with sprinkles compared to people who are persecuted for it elsewhere. It raises questions in me.

What is it about Islam that makes its followers so zealous? Why is it that they hold holy things as holy, the way they should be, sacred? Why don't I see American Christians give more respect to their HOLY Scripture? Why have I seen the Bible tossed on the floor, kicked, buried under piles of other things in a person's bedroom? I know that same fervor is in there, somewhere. But what is it about the Middle Eastern countries that their people can dig into their hearts and find that fire, that holy fervor for sacred things that I think some people in America (I at least) have been too lazy to dig for? I know its there, somewhere, in my heart. But I've lost that flame somewhere along the line. And its bothering me tonight.

amazing...

Before I mention anything about today, let me just say that last night, my parents decided we were going to have a family dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant in Ringwood, to celebrate my completion of my junior year, and thus, my being a senior. Which of course makes me feel old. It was incredibly fun; I don't think I've laughed that hard with my family in a long time. We talked/debated about everything from polar ice caps to jujitsu to human intelliegence (or lack thereof) to just making fun of me in general. I don't think I've gotten picked on like that in a while (in jest of course). One of the things we debated was jujitsu. My brother is convinced that a black belt in karate could kill a black belt in jujitsu because (according to one of his best friends) karate focuses on how to kill, whereas jujitsu teaches how to kill, how to be gentle, how to heal, how to have morals, and how to apply it to everyday life. He sees these things as one of jujitsu's flaws, however, I'm of the opinion that these things are precisely what makes jujitsu the superior art. Karate may be called a martial art, but if all you learn is how to be a killing machine, its not an art at all, because there's no finesse. If karate is what my brother says it is, then its essentially the opposite end of the spectrum from something like capoeira, which seems to be more art and less martial. Jujitsu seems to be a perfect balance of the two. But since I've never practiced a martial art besides jujitsu, I don't really have much to compare with, so I don't know. At any rate, it was an extremely fun night, especially because I have just completed all of my requirements for my Italian minor, and it was fun to translate the items on the menu.

On to today... I've been cleaning my room, big time. I had no idea I was such a pack-rat. I have this ability to make things appear neat and orderly, when really its a whole lot of crap that needs to be thrown out. I had to stop because my allergies were starting to react to the dust. My room for some reason attracts bugs every year, different species, depending on the year. This year, its those huge crunchy ants, and I've been smashing them with a soccerball. Ant poison would probably be more effective, but the soccer ball is more fun. Anyway, I've been watching this one ant for over an hour now. He discovered a fellow ant that had fallen prey to my soccer ball, and he decided to pick his buddy up and take him back to the nest. The only thing is, I think he lost his way, because he's been circling my room for quite a long time now, and he's been pretty much everywhere at least twice. At one point, he even put his buddy down and walked around to try and get his bearings, then came back for his dead friend. I now know why Jesus gave that parable in the Bible about being diligent like an ant. Think of the stuff that could get done if everyone just kept trying their hardest at things instead of giving up halfway.

Anyway, my sudafed has begun to take effect, so perhaps now would be a good time to keep cleaning. I'm trying to get my desk empty so I can bring it to New Brunswick when I move into the apartment. Which I am beginning to be more excited about now that school is out.

lots of stuff

Soooo... my roommate moved out yesterday, so when I came in from my last exam her side was all empty. Which left me kind of lost... because she's graduating, and it drove home the fact that with classes over, I'm technically a senior now and it makes me feel weird. Then Andrew came to take my stuff, since I had to be out of the dorm at 10 today and my mom wasn't coming until tonight. So pretty much, I was left in my room with a blanket, pajamas, and my backpack and jujitsu bag. No computer, no books, no homework taking up my time. And no roommate to talk to. Which, at first was a very startling experience, because it has been a long time since I willingly put myself in that position. At least this time, I was not 3000 miles from home in a country whose language was not my native one. New Brunswick hasn't felt like 3000 miles from home in a while either... though there are days... especially when NB feels like a country whose language is not my native one...

Anyway, I didn't know what to do. It made me realize that despite my feeble attempts at getting closer to God, I've really been distracting myself from Him. It explains my choice to take 18 credits... why else would I do that to myself? So, for a while, I filled the aching silence with music, but it made me notice the pain even more, so I sat on my bed and said... "Ok... I'm going to see what happens when I don't try to distract myself." I sat there in silence, and then the words just started coming. I told God all the things I've wanted to tell Him for so long, but they were things I've been avoiding, because if I don't think about them, somehow, I can deny they exist. I yelled, I vented, I complained. I didn't realize I had that hurt there, and I noticed bitterness too. I didn't know that was there. It felt good to give it to God.

So, I finally went to sleep, and woke up, and put all my stuff on my back like a hobo and left Jameson D-1, room 213, forever. My last night in a dorm... my last night with shower shoes. Perhaps a little melancholy. But living in an apartment next year is going to be awesome. Anyway, I woke up refreshed after the offloading I did the night before. I was quiet, subdued, as if I had resigned myself to exploring my inner emotions again. I then spent 8 hours reading my Bible in the student center, also something I haven't done in a while... yes, I have done that before, also in complete solitude like today. It was surprising. Have you ever read a story that was started by one person but finished by another? Or several others, like those campfire games where someone starts a line and then each person adds an element to it? The story usually ends up extremely funny, or extremely disturbing, because several creative imaginations all put together will come up with differing ideas, because the minds are all going in different directions. My surprise came today when I realized that the Bible is not like that. Yes it is written by many different people, but the loose ends are still tied up neatly, and the same themes run through it. I felt, as I read, that I was admiring a masterpiece, almost like seeing it for the first time. I didn't expect to get that out of it.

Then I went to jujitsu, where Andrew Slave Driver had me doing Nage the whole night... for those of you who don't know, Nage is the list of throws we do. Yeah, same thing as Tuesday night, the night I got thrown on my head. I'm becoming a great advertisement for jujitsu... "Join jujitsu, its safe as long as you have an injury. Once you heal, they beat you up." Anyway, I was extremely happy to be doing throws again, and my leg feels wonderful. Andrew has a different teaching style from the others... I mean, its definitely a good thing to learn from more than one person, but when Andrew is the teacher, I feel I use more of my body and get all the little tips and pointers at once, instead of gradual... perhaps I just learn better when I'm bombarded with information, I don't know. Though Cyrus has a way with words, too. And Scott has a sense of humor... see, everyone's a good teacher. But the masochist in me seems to fit well with "slave driver."

After that I went out and had pizza hot enough to burn a hole through my palette and into my olfactory cavity. Hehe, a big word and I didn't even have to Google it! If you've ever eaten pizza with a huge burn in your mouth... well I tried not to think about what was happening in my mouth. I'm not gonna talk about it here. But it was kind of gross. Now I'm home and my whole body aches because it got used today. And I'm happy because I had a bit of an emotional spring cleaning. I'm gonna sleep well tonight I think. Goodnight.

totally not what should be doing

So... I had my last meeting with the fourth graders today teaching creative dramatics. I'm kind of sad and kind of glad to be done. They were rowdy last week, and the teacher yelled at them in Spanish. Today they acted like whipped puppies, and my partner, who is fluent in Spanish, explained that the teacher had given them the classic hispanic guilt trip, "You are the worst class ever, you can't do anything right, you better not cry when I call your parents." I almost wish I could have them permanently, as my students so that I could tell them they're using their imaginations perfectly, and they are great actors, and they are doing fine.

Tomorrow I have a meteorology exam, which I should be studying for right now. But my concentration is a little off, and I'm really tired. So I'm doing this instead hahaha. I went to jujitsu tonight, and ever since the picnic, my leg has felt nice and I was really looking forward to doing some throws and falls tonight. Then, my leg started getting tired and someone did a throw wrong and threw me on my head. So, neither my head nor my neck nor my leg was very happy with that turn of events, so I sat out again. Still, I'm incredibly happy I at least got to do a couple of the throws. Now my neck is a little stiff (but there's a possiblity that is due to the amount of time I have spent hunched over my comp sci notes) and its making me tired (but there's a possibility that is due to the amount of sleep I have not been getting in the past... week or so). So that explains why my concentration is a bit off.

On a side note, I thought I was healing. But it turns out, I was just burying it under a lot of schoolwork and social activity. Now that everything related to college life is winding down for the summer, the layers of distracting bandaids are starting to come off, and its not pretty underneath. I really gotta work on that. I think I am making progress though. Pretty soon, a good portion of the reminders will be gone... hopefully it will be out of sight, out of mind, out of heart. I'll be on my own again. No more ghosts and phantom pain. The question is, do I really want that? And is it really good for me? What exactly is God's plan in all of this? Why did it happen? I don't know.

Well, yeah... time for me to get back to reading about the El Niño effect. The only reading assigned for the class and I'm doing it the night before the final. I'm such a good student...

sooo tired

Hip hip hooray for 5 am runs to the Omega Diner with dear friends who also did not sleep last night (great idea, Anissa! and thanks chauffeur Cyrus! ;-P). That's what college is all about. I have an exam in approximately an hour and 40 minutes. I was up all night trying to comprehend it, as well as also running virus scans on my computer, which for some reason has slowed tremendously since last week. At the diner, Andrew saved my life because he explained True Basic arrays to me, which made my respect for him go up three notches because not only was he up all night at the volunteer first aid squad, he also appeared fully functional and capable of logical thinking at 6 am, and was capable of inspiring another person (me) to think logically as well and to understand what the heck he was talking about. I got back to my dorm and discovered my computer was still running a virus scan... so I showered and took a 4-hour nap. Finally my computer was done and reported 136 bad files on my computer. Where they came from I have no idea, unless the little gremlins under my bed use my computer for porn when I'm not watching. Though I think if I had little gremlins putting porn on my computer, it would be a lot more than 136 bad files. One of those files apparently had been accessed over 3000 times, which means its probably a good thing I haven't bought anything online recently with my credit card number. Anyway, this is useless rambling because I haven't had enough sleep. But I had a great time in the early morning hours, even though it may not have appeared like it (I was pretty much incapable of both blinking and coherent dialogue.). We should do that again sometime after exams are done, because blinking and coherent dialogue are no fun... but I think next time it should also involve Sam and beach jujitsu. Ok, I really should go finish studying. Bye.

*EDIT:* I took my test, and discovered that both of the long programs I had to write involved arrays, so the more time that passed in the test, the more I appreciated this morning's events. I left a couple of things blank, so my highest possible grade is a 190 out of 200, and there's a good chance that my actual grade will be very close to that, since I felt very confident in most of the rest of the stuff. I feel like I should get a copy of that program I wrote and frame it and sell it to the museum of modern art. Or if not that, I should at least shower Andrew with misshapen flowers. Ok, see that last sentence? That is evidence that its time to take a nap. And then start studying for the next exam.

i'm tired

So... the jujitsu club had a picnic today and invited the capoeira club, so it was cool to see them do their stuff. And to see our people do our stuff. I've never seen Scott and Rod and Andrew do freestyle before.

My mom came late, which is to be expected, but she brought Brittany which is great because I haven't seen Brit in forever. But... she tried to untie my obi (jujitsu belt), so of course that led to some physical stuff, which was cool because we haven't done any wrestling in a while. I felt okay doing it... but as I was flying through the air I heard Cyrus and Andrew say in unison "Oh! Oh! The leg!" Which was when it dawned on me that landing might hurt. Surprisingly, it didn't at all, but now I can feel the muscles getting shorter and clenchier as I type. But there's no pain... I think, in part, my muscles are happy being used again. I was doing a little stretching last night and realized I'm not as limber as I was a few weeks ago, because I haven't been exercising my legs as much. So, yeah... I have some happy, tired muscles to go with my happy tired body... tired because I for some reason woke up without an alarm today after only 4 hours of sleep. I think my body somehow knew the electricity was out and my alarm wasn't going to go off.

Anyway... I'm just happy. I got to see my best friend... and I got to spend the day with my jujitsu friends... and I got to see my mom and brother... and the weatherman was wrong when he said rain. So I'm happy all around. And my leg is happy.

But my happy self needs a nap. And a shower. But that's not as pressing a need. Bye.

guess what?

For a change of pace, I thought I'd write about jujitsu.

The gym is closed for exams, so we met at the 2nd reformed church down the street. Its the one that always chimes the hour, which I love. So, special news today: I'm officially not the lowest ranking colored belt anymore. So that's cool. Congratulations to Allan and Chris, who I'm sure don't read this anyway. It was interesting watching their promotions, since now I'm sort of on the other side of it. And it was really cool because, for me anyway, there was something special about learning a martial art in the shadow of a church steeple. My church doesn't have a steeple, so I've always had a sort of awe for them... something about the way they always strive to be closer to the sky, as if one day they will poke through and reach the heavens beyond. Anyway, when the promotion began, I felt... well, it felt like my senses suddenly became extremely sensitive to the presence of God. That means that either I had something at that moment that God wanted me to learn (that I'm not really catching on to) or that someone in the group is really good at inviting Him to come and join us. I won't say too much more about that, but it did make me think about my promotion to blue belt, and how I said something very similar during that entry in my blog. I think perhaps when I have my quiet time tonight, I will learn something about all this.

Leg update, so no one has to ask. On Tuesday at jujitsu, I could take falls on the other side (the non-injured side), and do some rolls, but I paid for my activity on Wednesday. Now its Thursday, and I took it easy and didn't do any falls except the easy, gentle "magic throw." At the moment, there is a lot of heat coming from the muscle that Google calls gracilis and it sort of feels like a thick bungee cord... not at all like a muscle. But I'm not in pain, so I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Lastly, I learned two things today. Or rather, re-learned. 1. Foot-in-mouth doesn't taste so good, in fact it has the potential to send a sharp pain into my heart. 2. My friends are incredible, and its been a while since I've felt comraderie like I have in the past couple of months. In fact its been a long while. It has made this semester which I thought I was going to hate (and in fact did hate for a long time) completely worth the trouble and one of the more enjoyable ones. When I started my junior year, it appeared that it was going to be very dreary... and lonely. And it was for a while. I focused on all of my class requirements for graduation, tried to drown my aching heart in a busy schedule, and slowly watched myself lose contact with a good friend, knowing there's nothing I can do about it. Then, something happened. I think it was spring in my heart (closely corresponding with the coming of spring to New Brunswick) and somehow, the bittersweet memories I usually associate with spring took the background, and I stopped stressing over my schedule, and I got to know my friends better, and most important, God taught me some vital lessons. And over all, I'm ending my junior year with a very peaceful, contented attitude.

And I had no idea I was going to think that deeply tonight. Now that I'm coming up for air... I'm realizing how late it is and I think I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight.

tossed salad

Hmm... Happy birthday to my brother. It was right about this time of night, 17 years ago, that Dad pulled me out of my warm snuggly bed, and said, "Come on, we're going for a ride." I don't remember much else except waiting with a friend of Mom's, playing a game with little plastic apples, and then being lifted up to see you, a squirming bundle of baby and afterbirth on on the table between Mom's legs. What my parents were possibly thinking when they did that to their not-quite-four-year-old daughter, I'm not really sure. But I'm glad your looks have improved since then. Hmmm... also a congratulations is in order: this is your first birthday where you are taller than I am.

Okay that's about it for the sentimental stuff. As usual, I'm going to write about jujitsu. I think to the outsider's perspective, this means I am completely obsessed with jujitsu. But not really. I just think about it 80% of the time. Haha, just kidding. I wouldn't know percentages, I'm horrible at them. Anyway, today was the first time as a blue belt that I really got to help teach the white belts and give input and feedback. It was really interesting because I learned so much from it. I understood the concept before that: the senior students teach the junior students, black belts included, so the teachers are students themselves, and learn from it as well. But I didn't really grasp how much I would actually learn doing that until it happened tonight. It was pretty cool.

The other thing that happened was what happens every week: jujitsu continues at the student center over dinner, where we talk about pretty much everything. Almost everyone is in CA it seems, so for quite a while, it was just Sam and myself. We were both avoiding studying/papers, so naturally, we took every possible opportunity to keep talking hahaha. It was nice getting to know Sam better, especially 'cause it was in person instead of on IM. It made me realize how close-knit the jujitsu group is: I've had deep, third-level conversations with almost all of the members that show up predictably. I don't think I've made these kinds of friends at Rutgers in my three years here, with the exception of my roommate, and the 8 AM Warriors (they know who they are). These are the type of people that make you really cherish your time in college, rather than just survive it.

Anyway... one more thing before I go. My church had a guest speaker today, who was passing through on his way from New Hampshire to Orlando. After he spoke, he went through and prayed for people individually if they wanted it. So when he got to me, he said something before he started praying. He said (he was born in Harlem, raised in Brooklyn), "You, girl, you're a pony, but you're gonna grow up to be a stallion. You jus' a warrior in trainin' right now, but, HEE HEE HEE, when you become a warrior, HOO, you're gonna be a warrior!" And then he started his prayer. I thought it was cool how God could use a simple message of encouragement to really touch my heart the way that did. It just did something in me, and sort of lit a little spark, made me excited about the future, I guess because it kind of made me curious to see what's going to happen.

Anyway, that's the tossed salad of my thoughts right now. I suppose I ought to go study for my test tomorrow, now that I've got my thoughts out here. Doubt I will though hahaha. Goodnight!