Jujitsu

I forgot to add this stuff to the post I put up about an hour ago.

If any of you don't know, I have been taking a bit of a break from Jujitsu lately. I have come up with a myriad of reasons, none of which seem to hit 100% on the spot about why exactly I have left.

I've had joint problems... I've been busy with work... I've been trying to find a focus for jujitsu... I've had trouble keeping my emotions off the mat... I've been on the mat wondering and longing for 9:30 to come so I can leave... I can't deal with Barb... "Its interpersonal, so we can just have you not work with that person" (Barb's psychoanalysis of me)... I can't be pushed to do things... I can't take the challenge... I am simply cursed by starting things and then quitting. (Ex, 1 day of gymnastics, 1 month of horseback riding, 9 months of clarinet, 3 years of piano... nothing I really stuck with enough to be very proficient.)

None of those ideas are the real reason. I don't know the real reason. But I remember once hearing about some former students of Barb's who left under less desirable circumstances. I remember Andrew telling me that it takes a special kind of person not to quit after Rokyu because of personality differences in the dojo, a special kind of patience. I remember thinking that I wanted to be one of those people who had that kind of patience.

Yesterday was the involvement fair. I went, not to hang out with the people, and not to do jujitsu, but to help recruit freshmen who might want to join. And I did. I talked to a lot of people, and it was really good. Working at Nordstrom has made me more comfortable pitching a sale... even though I don't really pitch anything at the Ebar, I guess its just the personal contact or something.

Anyway... It was good seeing everyone. Seeing them work out made me feel out of shape. But seeing Barb gave me a strange sensation. I'm not one of her star students anymore. I felt like I somehow mattered less to her because I haven't had the heart/desire to work out. I know you'll probably tell me it was in my mind, but maybe it was. Barb gets in my mind a lot. Senseis do that sometimes. It wasn't anything she said, it was the energy she gave off. I guess I can understand... I don't mean to do this, but in rebelling against jujitsu, I am in a sense rebelling against her, since she is the sensei. She loses a lot of people a year who simply give up on jujitsu, and I guess when you've done it as long as she has, its hard not to take it personally. Jujitsu is her life, and she doesn't understand why someone wouldn't want to make it their life as well.

Yesterday, I had mixed feelings. I realized that, as much as I want to go back, its going to be a lot harder than I originally thought. I'll do it, eventually, but it will be tough. It might be just as hard to do as it was for me to get involved with my youth group. Not that any of you reading now know anything about how I felt that many years ago. But... yeah.

I'm kind of nervous about the future. I think that I'm changing. I'm starting to know a little more what I want and what I don't want. And I guess if I'm still Barb's student when the time comes for me to want a certain something that I have in mind, she's not going to agree with me. I hope she agrees to disagree.

EDIT: I wrote this before the jujitsu class I was skipping ended. When it ended, some of the people who were there came and complained to me (and Anissa who also skipped). Apparently there are people who are going to class who are feeling similar to how I feel (except for the fact that I can't seem to put my finger on a definitive point). Anyway, it apparently was a particularly bad class (by bad I mean Barb was prickly) which made me glad I skipped and glad that my brother wasn't there (it would have been his first night and he would have been turned off by it).

my journey

I'm going to Walmart to see if there is anything left in their garden section. Maybe I will find some Coleus.

I was just thinking today about phobias. I have concluded that my secret fear is going to Walmart, needing something REALLY badly, not being able to find it, and not being able to find a SINGLE employee who speaks English. Not even the management. Not even Mr. Walmart himself, or the little happy face that knocks down prices. In pesos and rupees.

Ok, I'm off on my little adventure. Wish me luck, and where did I put that passport?

>:-o

I was going to write something about jujitsu yesterday. I went, mostly because Prof Carr was there (Barb's sensei) and I didn't work out, I just watched. I was kind of glad. I was feeling particularly achy last night. Barb tried to tell me what's wrong with me. But she isn't a physician, nor is she a psychologist.

But I have something more pressing to write about now. Someone stole my garden! I woke up this morning and glanced out the window and noticed one of the white lawn chairs was not there. So I took a further look and saw that it was in the middle of my impatiens. What's going on here. I went outside to check on everything, and my impatiens have all been stepped on, and my coleus is missing. Who the heck vandalises a garden?? Don't you people have better things to do? Go rob a bank and leave me my little piece of home. It actually makes me a little homesick. I really liked that coleus. My mom bought it for me.

My first thought was someone was standing on the white chair trying to get into my window, but the chair was in the wrong place for that. It was also in the wrong place for one of the house caretakers to have tried to fix something. It was just randomly there in my garden.

Then I thought maybe the caretakers were trying to weed or something and got the wrong plants. But Taylor's half dead tomato plant is still back there happily chugging out tomatoes despite the fact it has no leaves. They would have gone for that first if they were trying to weed.

So I'm really mad.

Why on earth would someone kill a garden?

At least my hostas are still there looking like they need water.

random daydream

"Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome aboard the Becky Thatcher. As the crew takes a few minutes to prepare for launch, I’d like to take the time to familiarize you with the history of this boat as well as some safety precautions.

“The Becky Thatcher was built about 5 ½ years ago and it was assumed a launch date would be set for spring of that year. Due to an engineering error, the launch date was postponed, followed by a period of insufficient funds for her completion. She was finally launched on her maiden voyage a year after the intended launch date. Her maiden and subsequent voyages, however, were a success, carrying her passengers through (mostly) smooth waters for 2 ½ years. In the summer of her fourth year, the Becky Thatcher developed a slow leak in her hull, due to the acidity in the waters of the Mississippi. In order to preserve her engine from damage, her Captain deliberately ran her aground on a sandbar. Extensive restoration was begun, along with a new protective coating on her exterior in order to prevent future hull damage. The engineer overseeing the restoration became the new First Mate, and she was given a new course through less polluted waters. Several changes occurred over the next few months, including the resignation of the First Mate, a drastic change in weather patterns, and another change in travel routes, but the Becky Thatcher is still going strong.

“This in no way indicates that we should ignore safety procedures. In the event of poor weather or an unexpected emergency, announcements will be given over this intercom system. If the Captain decides to evacuate the ship, please be sure to gather at the bow, where the floatation devices are located in the overhead racks. There are lifeboats to either side of the bow. Do not evacuate via the stern. It will place you too close to the engines and the paddlewheels. In the event of an emergency in which it is impossible to evacuate via the bow, please exit as far from the stern as possible. As gorgeous a ship as the Becky Thatcher is, her paddlewheels will tear you apart if you get too close during an emergency.

“This concludes our introduction to your travels with the Becky Thatcher. It is the pleasure of the crew and captain that we welcome you aboard. Our departure time is now 3 minutes, and we hope you have a wonderful voyage.”

a;lskjf

Fellow blogger, a person I have to call Michigan Dan in order to differentiate him from the other Dans in my life such as Brother Dan, Uncle Dan, Blue-Belt Dan, and Emperor Dan, posted something recently: Confessions of Mean Thoughts.

Which is essentially what my last blog was, "I work for a sped."

Now I'm going to say, my customers are a little off too. "I'd like a coffee please. Can you make it real coffee?"

No I'm sorry we're only serving imaginary coffee tonight.

However, there were two people who were very interesting tonight. They came up mumbling in another language to each other. I wasn't really paying attention and didn't try to figure out the language. Surge rang up their order and then asked if they were Polish or Russian. They said "Nooooo... we're Italian." I asked what part of Italy, and they said Verona, and I said "Oh, that's a nice place, I've been there," and then the one guy asked in Italian if I spoke Italian and why did I go to Italy and did I like it and what city. He then translated to the other guy and we talked a bit more... although I spoke quite poorly...

So after almost a year, I had a conversation in Italian and I realize... I do sorta miss it. But mostly, I am mad at myself for having forgotten a lot of it. I can read it decently, and I can usually understand most of the dialects except Sicillian. But writing it, or speaking it myself... I was never good to begin with, and now I'm worse because a year has passed. I'm tempted to find a way to keep it in practice... maybe some conversational Italian tapes or something.

But anyway. That was cool. Then Andrew and James came to visit and then gave me a ride home, which was also cool.

mm eh uh

I work for a sped. That's all I'm going to say about work yesterday.

In other news, I fell asleep after work and skipped jujitsu, but then I woke up hungry so I went to Noodle Gourmet while the jujitsu people were there. Barb asked if my work schedule was keeping me from jujitsu. I told her I've been having a lot of joint pain and also some emotional stuff to deal with. I didn't mention though, that it seems like the joint pain only happens when the emotional stuff starts in. It felt weird talking about it to her. As if telling her somehow made it more real. I don't want it to be real. I want it to be all in my head so I can just realize that and forget about it and come back to jujitsu. I miss it. But at the same time, I have no desire to go.

I guess that's all.

Talladega Nights

Here it is... the post that was just waiting to happen. I had no plans to go see the movie because I'm not a fan of Will Ferrell, nor am I a fan of movies containing fast cars (cough the fast and the furious cough cough).

But Cara invited me, and James, Andrew, and Steve came along as well. Sitting in the previews was interesting enough. There's something about seeing a movie with friends that makes it a better experience than seeing a movie by yourself or with only one friend. I think its that everyone kinda builds on each other's emotion, or whatever it is they happen to invest in the movie. In this case, just pure laughter.

The main character, Ricky Bobby, is born in the back of a speeding car on the way to the hospital. The reason it was in the backseat and not in the hospital is because the driver passed the hospital, being fascinated by the speedometer. Hicksville.

I felt very at home watching the movie. I will admit, my family isn't *quite* like that, but it was the kind of movie that would appeal to someone with blood/kinfolk like mine. I think I laughed during the movie about as much as I did the whole time I was in Michigan, only it was compressed into 2 hours. The laughter in Michigan, however, was directed at jokes of the same nature as the ones made in the movie tonight.

Also, I reflected that it must be very easy to raise money for a show about racecars, given all the corporate sponsorships that could be attained from pasting logos to the cars. Not to mention the Applebee's commercial. If you have seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about, if not, go see the movie and be thankful there's only one more spoiler coming up.

***Spoiler***
It was great fun watching the end of the race, with Will and the French guy, and seeing the road ahead that the movie plot is about to take, and then turning my head and watching Steve, James, Cara, and Andrew groan, say "Oh no oh no... don't- not the arrrrrghghhhhh" as Will Ferrell kisses his arch enemy on the lips. I didn't really see the scene because I was watching my friends shield their eyes. Something about Will Ferrell in this movie screams "not sexy" and "least likely to do exactly what he just did on screen... aggggh." It was fascinating to watch people's reactions to the unexpected.

***end spoiler***

Ok thats about all I have to say. The movie exceeded my expectations. And the cougar was cool. And Reese Bobby... reminds me of someone. I'm not gonna say who. But yeah. This movie runs in my blood...

Surrounded

My away message today read "why the hell is everybody dying."

T was killed in a car accident on Monday.

This is stupid. Everyone I know has been to a funeral in the past couple of months. I guess by everyone I mean several. But it feels like everyone. I'm tired of the death in my life.

I'm even more tired of the dying going on inside me. Slowly, little pieces of me are crumbling away into nothing. Jujitsu used to be such a big part of my life. Its falling apart and it hurts me that I can't bring myself to go much anymore. I used to be creative and write poetry and draw pictures and dance. What would it take to get me to dance again? I'm not sure. I wish I knew what it was that was eating me up.

Maybe I do know and just don't want to tell myself that. Well, I wish others knew and would tell me.

Do you hear that? I want you to grab me by the shoulders and look me in the eyes and shout in my face the words that will either kill me or bring me back to life. Wait I forgot. Someone already said those words and they killed me.

Not because of what was said but because I knew it was a lie. And because I'm a silly sappy hopeless dreamer, I chose to try to convince myself that lie was true.

Wow. I didn't intend for this blog post to travel down this road. Its amazing what happens when you let out one tiny part of your emotions. Its like a dam bursting.

Sam, when are you coming back to jujitsu? If you come back I will go one day, just 'cause I need to grapple with you.

Sweat, tears, and the ocean will heal all wounds. If I get injured grappling with Sam in Beach Haven, I could have all three.

housecleaning...

Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation? Hebrews 1:14

Found her staring at the rain and asking why it has to hurt so bad. Where's the limit to the pain her heart can take before it breaks in half? I wanted to be strong enough to hold her and show her the way but she's so far out of reach and now all I can do is pray...

Can You spare an angel tonight, send a little help from Your side, cause somebody's lost down here. Let him wing his way through the dark, carry some of Your love into her heart, can You spare an angel, spare an angel, spare an angel.

She wanders further in the dark, feels the cold, hears the thunder cry while the rain keeps pouring down- her only answer from the lonely sky, and she has no idea how much You love her or how much You care, so would You choose one of Your best to be the answer to my prayer?

Can you spare an angel tonight, send a little help from Your side, cause somebody's lost down here. Let him wing his way through the dark, carry some of Your love into her heart, can You spare an angel, spare an angel, spare an angel.

Oh, I don't know what else to pray this time, maybe an angel can lead her lonesome heart away to Jesus' side...

Can you spare an angel tonight, send a little help from Your side, cause somebody's lost down here. Let him wing his way through the dark, carry some of Your love into her heart, can You spare an angel, spare an angel, spare an angel.

~Chris Rice, "Spare an Angel"

Hmm... this song hurts me for some reason. In that little place between the stomach and the liver, there's a place that digests music. Right now, it hurts a little right there in that spot. It would be so easy to blame myself for stuff, but I think I have done enough self-blame lately. All I can say is I started loving the person rather than the soul, and maybe that's where the problems started. I wish I had the heart of Chris Rice. And at the same time, I don't. It is such a wonderful thing to love both.

Stone of Tears

by Terry Goodkind. "Only a fool walks into the future backwards." ~Trimack, commander of Lord Rahl's army.

If only a fool walks into the future backwards and all my street signs are pointing to my past, then it must be a foolish path indeed that I am walking.

Sparks. Leo. Cancer. Virgo. One way street signs. Wrong way street signs. Fire. Tapioca.

Bleh.............................................

Shame

As you all probably know, I am obsessed with Postsecret.com. Well, this week, there was one picture that really kinda caught my attention.

Still, the thought of writing on a baby's forehead is about as creepy as Anne Geddes making them into things other than babies.

Update

In the infamous words of Mr. Cyrus: "I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO RECORD MY LIFE! ARGHH!!"

Backstepping a bit to my trip to Michigan. 16 hours driving out there, split over two days. Wow. I did a lot of sleeping, reading and thinking. I read a 900+ page book in about 6 or 7 days. That's good for someone who is also balancing things like shopping in Charlevoix, helping repaint my grandparents' garage and shed to match the new house colors, swimming, using my now-uncle's Sea*doos, playing Eucher with my grandparents, listening to my whole extended family spontaneously and randomly burst out singing off-key "Goin' to the chapel and I'm goin' to get ma-air-air-reed," putting out my brother/cousin's bonfire, making s'mores, exploring my old favorite haunts, and seeing everyone and their mother, literally, as they all poured into East Jordan days before the wedding.

Wedding day, Friday, we all get ready and assemble at the adorable stone chapel of Saint John Nepo-something-or-other. At 4:00, the priest came out with the groom, just as planned. At 4:10, the groom is wondering if he's been stood up, at the altar. Whispers in the back, "runaway bride" abound. For those of you who don't know my aunt, which is probably most of you, she's been engaged four times, but never married until now. It seemed to be the real-life runaway bride story.

She finally shows up, much to the relief of my new Uncle Dan. They are exchanging vows, and the priest says, "please indicate your intentions to commit..." or something along those lines. They both said something like, "I do" or "I will." The priest looks at them and says, "That would be a yes." They sort of falteringly said yes, and then he continued. The next time, they said yes without the priest correcting them and he stopped and said, "See? They learn! That's good."

When the service was over, with the priest's characteristic and corny "Aaayyy-MEN!" whispers began. Why was she late? What happened? There were multiple stories going around, but here's what I gathered: The limo shows up to get her and its rusted out with cracked leather seats and the stuffing showing inside. She says "No way in heck I'm getting in that on my wedding day." Good thing because the limo wouldn't even start after that. So the bridesmaid loaned the chauffeur the use of her Escalade. Which took them 10 or 15 minutes to sort out.

Yep. East Jordan. Surprising they actually had a limo service.

Anyway, on to the reception. Aparently, there used to be a dairy farm in Charlevoix made of stone walls. In the 60s, the ceiling collapsed. In the 70s, a stage was built for outdoor rock concerts. Finally someone realized, "Hey, these walls sorta look like a castle, complete with turrets. We could fix this place up and hold wedding receptions here. I bet we'd make a lot of money." And they did. The stage was removed and replaced with a giant chessboard. The dairy wings on either side of the stage became the King's and Queen's castles. The silo gained a set of stairs and an elevator to the King's banquet hall in the loft. The backside of it all became the Queen's tavern, with a tent for an outdoor reception. And the separate barn on the other side became the Knight's castle, which is where my aunt's reception was. And this whole thing is made of stone, and its gorgeous now that they've fixed it up.

Anyway... with the exception of my cousin's girlfriend of 8 years getting wasted enough to sleep in his car in a pool of her vomit... the reception went beautifully. There was even a point where the groom was called out on the dance floor (he didn't know why) so that all the women in the place could come up and put little lip stickers all over his body. Kind of a weird concept, but it was fun. At the end, my aunt got to place the last "kiss" sticker and they danced to the funky hip-hop music. It was cool, and the food was fabulous. The music was not my generation, but there were three good songs, although during two of them my mom made me talk to her cousin, who it turns out, has a blue belt in Brazilian Jujitsu. So that was kind of cool because he was the only one in the room who really understood anything I said related to any form of jujitsu. Eveyone else either avoids the topic or tries to make conversation on something they don't understand. And its nice to know there's a fellow jujitsuka in the family.

It was also cool seeing my cousins dancing with my grandparents, and Uncle Dan's children (my new cousins) dancing with my old cousins. I guess there's something about weddings that really pulls people together. With the exception of my Aunt Wanda (she's now divorced from my Uncle Chuck, so not really Aunt anymore, except that she's my cousins' mother) and my cousin Gena and her husband and two kids, everybody descended from my grandparents was there with their spouses and children. It was cool. I haven't seen some of them in many years.

The next day, pretty much everyone from the reception came to my grandparents' house for the annual pig roast, which was much larger this year in order to celebrate Aunt Jill's wedding, Aunt Charnell's birthday, and a family friend's anniversary. There was even a blues/jazz guitarist hired to sing for the day.

The best man at the wedding was there at the pig roast, and he took us out on the waverunners to teach my brother how to waterski. I got to be the spotter, which meant that while he's skiing and we're going really fast, I'm sitting backwards on the seat. It was kinda cool. My brother got up in three tries and then went about 5 times, on some pretty rough waters that we had that day. We came in, ate, and then my brother decided to go out again to try the wakeboard. I didn't get to be the spotter for that one because the kid with mono who knew how decided it would be cool to be the spotter in rough water on a chilly day with the risk of falling in the water and having his liver fail from stress on top of the mono. Bright child. Anyway, my cousin Luke took me out on the other waverunner while they were doing the wakeboarding thing. He promptly baptized us both by flipping the Sea*doo, leaving it upside-down, idling in the water. After turning it off, we had to figure out how to get it upright again (this was the second time that day that it had been upside-down) and to top it off there's a storm coming, so its breezy with no sun, making the water a really nice temperature.

We got everything straightened out, we had a blast, and then came in out of the rain. (It wasn't rainy all day- storms brew quickly over the lake.) Then my dad decided he wanted to leave. We had another 16 hours of driving to do before Monday when he had to go back to work. None of us wanted to, but we all knew there was no other choice. It was as late as we could possibly let it get. It was the first time I've been out there when not one of us wants to leave. Which is saying a lot about my homebody brother who wasn't even going to come until the Creation Festival was cancelled. It was nice to see us bonding. It was also nice to see how grown up my cousins are now. I really respect them and look up to them, despite the fact that many of them are younger than I.

Anyway... driving home I had finished my book, so I did more thinking, and interupted it with reading my Nordstrom manual. Not much to talk about there.

I went straight back to work on Monday, and on Tuesday went to jujitsu. Barb talked about how a lot of the blue belts have had a sort of apathy lately, or their techniques will sort of plateau and then stay there because they aren't interested in what feedback the blackbelts can give them. She made it sound like it was a mental thing- when we do a technique we don't do it whole heartedly anymore. Which makes sense. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I could identify the feeling. I thought it was just me though. I didn't realize it was pretty much all the blue belts. Which is why I haven't been going lately- because I'd rather not practice than practice with my heart not in it and have that lack of heart enforced by the practice. But since Barb doesn't know that is one of my reasons for not going, she might even see that as my lack of heart. She said something about all the people who were absent.

So our focus of the day was on intentions. How to do something, even just walking up to someone, with intention. When you parry and grab a wrist, you parry and grab the wrist because the wrist is yours and belongs to you. Not because that's how the art is supposed to go.

We each got to pair up with a blackbelt, which was cool because we don't often get that one on one blackbelt attention. I chose to work with Scott, because I knew that I respond well to his teaching style. Better than some others. It was good. I could feel myself improving in ways I haven't done before.

However, at one point, he said, "Ok that's good. Your intentions are good. Now, try having the same intention, but smile a little. Even in self defense, you are allowed to enjoy what you do. Its an art."

I wasn't feeling it, but I did. I allowed myself a little smile as I did a stime (aerial somesault sort of thing- like throwing myself) and said to myself, "Smile, mean it, mean the art, do it because you love jujitsu." I had this gnawing feeling. "I don't know if I love jujitsu." But I smiled anyway and discovered that a simple smile can change your outlook. After that, I told myself "Do this because you love it" before doing anything that terrifies me or with which I struggle. Sometimes, I don't love it. But I told myself that in such a way that I could actually believe I do love it.

Its scary because it lends truth to the idea that when you live as an actor, you lose sight of who you are, in place of all the characters you've learned to put on. It means that if I smile enough, eventually I will believe I want to smile.

Anyway... on that note. I'm tired. Its 5 am. It took forever to write that. I'm going to bed now. Bye.

thinking...

I'm not sure if this is going to be cryptic or not. I'm not trying to revert to that little experiment of not sharing with people. But some things just can't be said. Ever. I have to have my secrets. Have to. Its not anything against any of you. But yes I do have a secret that I will take to my grave. Its bugging me right now, so the only thing I can do is vent my feelings without sharing the circumstance.

I've been doing a lot of thinking... and have realized that although honey-glazed almonds are good and healing and special, white chocolate hazelnuts do more for me, and I don't appreciate them enough.

Yeah you know what. I can't compare my friends to a bunch of nuts. So this post is a moot point.

I can't vent here like I used to be able to do. Things have gotten so complicated in the past half year or so.

cool thing on a friend's myspace.

Write nine statements, aimed at different people.
Never tell which one is to who.

1. Get some self-esteem pills already. You're better than you think.

2. I wonder if you'll ever know.

3. I wonder if I'll ever tell you.

4. Totally no offense, but you people are a bunch of idiots. You should have seen it coming.

5. Its been cool getting to know you as a good christian sibling in Christ that I can look up to.

6. I wonder what it would be like if I were a person more compatible with you.

7. Can you let go of me?

8. I wish we could be better friends.

9. You say you can't change, but I think you can.

*Bonus* 10. You are so incredible and I love having you around.

God's grace.

Soo... Anissa, Steve and I were hanging out in her room tonight, battling the heat, and catching up on stuff after work. I'll give you the details on that later... but we heard some commotion next door, not uncommon, cause there are a lot of people over there, and a lot of times there are friends there too. Its the social hangout.

Next thing we know there are at least ten police officers outside, standing a bit of a distance away from their house. Which of course, put them on our doorstep. Anissa had to go meet her cousin, but he couldn't park because of the cops blocking traffic so we walked around the corner. On the way back, Anissa stopped to talk to one of the neighbors.

It turns out they were robbed at gunpoint by six guys. When Anissa heard the descriptions of them, she went over to the police, because they were the guys she'd been watching as they walked up and down the street.

Bottom line is... my life and the lives of two people very dear to my heart were in danger tonight and I didn't know it until afterwards. They should have come here. Anissa's on crutches, Steve was prone on the floor studying, I was on the couch counting out $250 in cash. We had all the doors and windows open because it was so hot, and next to me was my purse containing my passport, birth certificate, and social security card (which happen to be here in New Brunswick so I could fill out paperwork pertaining to my first day at work). Yet instead of picking a house where three girls live (plus one boyfriend who's around a lot), they instead chose a house where there are 5 guys living just in the downstairs apartment. We were an easier target, but we were spared.

As my brother said, "They know where the jujitsu lives." But, I think its something more than that. I wonder what they saw as they looked at our house. Sometimes I feel like the blessings I've been praying onto this house really pay off. Sometimes the house just feels safer than usual. I wonder if when they looked at the house, the spiritual atmosphere intimidated them.

I wonder all that because, as much as I'd like to attribute it to that, I'm not sure I can. Yes, I still pray. But I haven't been quite as "spiritual" as I used to be or would like to be. I don't know. All I know is, something protected us tonight, for which I am deeply thankful.

Stage managers do it in the dark.

I trained at the coffee bar today at Nordstrom's. I went in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in my uniform... Black pants, black shirt, black shoes. Its basically what I would wear backstage, minus the headset. So I started thinking that this whole job is just theater, which is exactly how you sell a product anyway. And training today is like rehearsal... and I decided that no matter where I go I can't seem to get away from theater, even when I'm trying to take a break. The only difference is, you can stage manage in the dark. You can't froth a cappucino in the dark. Well you could. "But somebody's a gonna get hurt real bad. I'm not gonna say who. But somebody."

And thats about all I can talk about here. Yay me I'm getting paid!

heaven

So... we're all supposed to get mansions in heaven right? I let my mind wander tonight, and I came up with this.

What if the Garden of Eden was one of those mansions, but placed on earth? Would that mean that every mansion in heaven is like a little ecoworld... essentially self-sustaining, with the humans naming and caring for the plants and animals? And if that's the case, would it be one male and one female human per mansion? And if that's the case, perhaps all of us here have someone, somewhere, who is destined to live in that mansion in heaven when we all get there. (I'm sticking to traditional lines of thought and assuming that there's no such thing as homosexuality in this little scenario, because this isn't a political, social, or moral idea. I'm not trying to cause a riot here. I'm also assuming everyone mentioned here is assured a place in heaven, which is another debate entirely.)

I wonder what percentage of people here meet that person they are supposed to be with in that mansion. Like, let's say there's a couple who have been married for 50 years and it wasn't exactly a perfect relationship, but they were both successful and happy with it. The woman dies of cancer, and the man is lonely. He dies a few months later because he feels he has nothing left to live for. And then for whatever reason, I don't know... lets say heaven's version of red tape... the woman is in her apartment waiting for her mansion. They meet each other expecting to join and go to their mansion together, and suddenly they realize, "Wow. We weren't made for each other. We're a close fit, but we don't match. But, then, who will I live with in my mansion??" And then suddenly they turn and there's whoever they were made for, and they realize that while they accomplished a lot on earth together, they somehow managed to miss the person they were created for... and things may not have gone exactly according to heaven's plan because earth is imperfect, but that's ok because they have an eternity to spend with that new person, in which they can accomplish much more.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I just wonder sometimes... what heaven is like, and if I am really doing things on earth the way I'm supposed to.

Life lessons...

Some things I've learned in the past few months or year or more.

Not my original words, but not verbatim either so I don't have to quote the person: "If you wrong me and I turn around and walk away and you walk two miles just to make things right then things are fine between us. But sometimes when I'm mad, I walk fast. Better catch up."

"Sometimes paradise is not the landscape or the weather or the fun activities, but can be found in the eyes of who you are with."

"Don't just fall for the first person to take an interest in you. Make sure they are who you are looking for, and not who your ego is looking for."

I was going to type one more thing, but I can't seem to put it into words. Maybe I'm still learning it. It had something to do with pain. Maybe its not over yet.

MY FRIEND'S AWAY MESSAGE

Found this in Jayne's away message. I agree totally haha.

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings.

bluuuubbbbb

Could you all just take some self-esteem pills? Thanks that would help everything be all better.

(pssssttt! You're more amazing than you seem to think! I love you all!)

Four more days...

Four more days until the vow of silence ends. I'll write my thoughts on that later, but it has been very revealing to me.

For now, here's a quick update on the job front:

Nordstrom's coffee bar pros:
$8.25 an hour
mostly a full time job
really nice atmosphere
friendly employees

Nordstrom's coffee bar cons:
have not yet been offered the job

Rainforest Cafe pros:
$7.50 an hour
very cool/fun atmosphere
scheduled thunderstorm every half hour!
have been offered the job, if I want it
the difference between wearing black and white at a coffee bar vs. wearing a safari outfit with a megaphone on my belt

Rainforest Cafe cons:
$7.50 < $8.25
part time, working up to full if they need me (who knows how long that'll take)

So... I have to let Rainforest Cafe know by the end of Friday because orientation is Sunday. What do I do?? Can I have both? No. Arghhh...

On a different subject, a crazy girl in the mall attacked me so she could polish my fingernails and then offer me a $60 kit for $20 (because she liked how I looked). Any place that can afford to lose two thirds of the asking price has marked their product up to a ridiculous level that I refuse to support.

My left thumbnail is now shiny. She said the process helps the nail grow faster. I wonder if that means my hands will be unbalanced. Personally I don't like that shiny look. Its not natural.

more lyrics

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

~Darryl Worley

summer job

So, I have applied to 26 different places so far. My hand is killing me from writing out job applications. And sad to say, I STILL do not have all the references' phone numbers memorized.

But I was thinking about it. In the four years at Rutgers that I spent picking coins up off the sidewalks, I made $29.09. That calculates to $.0008 an hour. I could deal with that, I think. Maybe I'll just be lazy and stick with the job I have. Too bad its not mirror image though.

:-P

conversation at panera today

-So, lemme get this straight. Because of a perceived misunderstanding between you and me, our respective guys felt they had to protect their women by hating each other, even though there's nothing wrong between us?
-Pretty much.
-That's so... medieval.

Kinda makes me think about something Prof Ryan taught at the jujitsu convention. When someone makes an attack, you parry like the senseis have always taught. But adding creative little things like scraping the eyes, or even faking some other threat will send the attacker's brain into the primeval limbic system, the fight-or-flight system.

But when he taught that I thought about some of the people I knew and wondered how many of them are simply perpetually in the limbic system? How many of them just always base everything off of ancient instinct rather than rational thought?

Sometimes I feel like I know a lot of those types of people.

Waiting for Godot...

Estragon: Well, shall we go?
Vladimir: Yes, let's go.
They do not move.

I seem to be stuck in this evil non-sensical play.

hmm

You sleep more than usual or you sleep less than usual.
When you sleep, its not sound sleep.
You wake up too early or you sleep in later than you should.
You have seen in yourself a decreased appetite, or an increased appetite.
You have lost or gained weight in the last two weeks.
You have trouble making decisions or think slower than you should.
You have lost interest in your daily activities or groups you are involved with.
You tire easily of things you used to do regularly (energy-wise).
You have unexplained aches and pains.
You feel restless.
You question your existance. "Why am I here? Is life worth it?"
You notice your faults.
You feel sad.

I came across a questionaire to take. It didn't give me any results. Instead it said to print the page. It was one of those kinds of questionaires. Too bad I don't have a printer.

rainy day= rainy everything else

Sigh. She was really trying. She was strong. She loved much because she had been forgiven much. And yet she's gone and doesn't care. I feel sorry for her, but cannot judge her because I know how she feels. She's gone and doesn't care.

I can't remember what it feels like to care.

Is this even right then, maybe I am lying to myself by thinking I might be capable of caring now.

catching up

Thursday: We went chipping. Only instead of discarded food… it was furniture. Wheee. Huge thunderstorm too. Amazing.

Friday: READING, PA for a jujitsu convention. Fun. I reactivated that old stupid foot thing. It was red and swollen.

Saturday: Not having iced the foot like I should have, I did more jujitsu. That night, I realized the muscles all up my leg were beginning to be affected so I iced it, accidentally for an hour. I dreamed Cara was saying it was broken.

Sunday: More jujitsu, this time not doing a whole lot on my foot. And then, I got a Professor to do Seifukujitsu, which is a style of massage. It was incredible, and I thought I was gonna die. At the end, my foot was no longer red or swollen. Good stuff.

And now… some confessions.

1. I was irritated.
2. I am torn between two sides of me.
3. I broke my vow of silence for a moment, only because I had to.

And now... another observation like the mirror one.

When I look at you I see a sanctuary. A safe haven. I see where I run in the storm; I see where others run in the storm. I see a safe environment so much like my own that I begin to forget which is which.

When I look at you I see a doctor. Such steady hands, but mine shake. Such desire to see others healed. Such gratitude to see them fixed. Such eager desire to accomplish what they themselves cannot.

When I look at you I see a healer. Such a soothing balm to put on a wound. Such a calm and quiet spirit. A person who brings a light into the lives of others and gives them hope that one day they will be whole again. A person who inspires those in contact to strive to be like you. Is that what I strive for?

And now: My internet is finally working in my new apartment so no more need to do several days at once! Yay to Andrew for whipping my computer into submission!

Flight 93

I've heard a lot of debate about the movie... I just came across the trailer for it on google videos.

Think its going to be a while before I can watch that movie.

phone call, no tears after

Swallow that lump in your throat. Its not as bad as you think.

Just sit here now and wonder why something is fine but might not be.

Is the answer eternal?

sigh... politically incorrect?

Just because you don't agree with X doesn't mean that every scientific study done by the X group is inherently flawed and not true evidence of science. It could be that the X people study X because they are the only ones who really take an interest in the subject. Maybe they are finding stuff no one else would because they are the only ones who care. Yep, its true a lot of people skew scientific studies to fit their agenda. But that doesn't mean 100% of them do.

I didn't answer you, not because I was acknowledging you are correct but because I don't like to disagree with you because you are so close to my heart. I guess in this we have to agree to disagree. Or else you move to New Brunswick and make friends with some X people. Find out whether or not every single one of them would consciously skew a scientific study to fit their purposes.

Ode to the past... and a complaint

First the bad stuff. It better hurry up and rain already. My joints are KILLING me.

Ok now. I'm nostalgic. Its almost 3 am and I'm on aim, and things are just like they used to be. I know that when I go to bed and wake up again, they'll be different, but for right now, I'm just going to sit and wonder why this isn't hurting like it used to, and why this is even happening. And I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

heaven

It is so wonderful. How can the memory of something so wonderful also bring so much pain? How can it be two opposites at the same time?

One lucky guinea pig

Last summer, mom brought Lilly to Cape Cod... just so she would have SOMETHING to do while my dad and brother are sitting around bored. Lilly was running around on the deck, which was ok because she's afraid of stairs so she won't go exploring off the deck. Mom brought her in for the night, and the next morning, something big had knocked over some chairs looking for Lilly. I guess her scent was all over the place. They think it was a coyote.

A few weeks ago, mom let her run around in the grass while mom was sorta hands-and-knees gardening. She suddenly noticed two hawks circling overhead. Wonder what they're looking for. Oh right, small rodents that look like they might be dead. Oh gee maybe I should bring Lilly inside, since she doesn't really exercise, she just kind of blobs there.

I swear that animal is going to survive everything exciting and then suffocate on the fat surrounding her neck.

An edit that bears mentioning

Addendum (not to imply anything whatsoever about the person with whom I had the following conversation)

bookguydc: so, you are absolutely, completely unemployed at the moment, eh?
bookguydc: You're not "chipping", are you?
bookguydc: lol
arwenundomiel9: chipping?
bookguydc: lol - 'chipping' is the term the college students use here when they raid the Dumpster at the local grocery store
bookguydc: for the close-to-expiring but unopened chips and stuff
arwenundomiel9: aww lol... nope here, they're supposed to donate that stuff to food banks
bookguydc: I guess the stores toss the unopened bags of chips and bread into the bins and the college students have a hey-day
bookguydc: lol - one of them called me and asked if I needed any bread
bookguydc: I was like, "uh, why?"
bookguydc: "Because, we went on a chipping raid and have 8 loaves!"
bookguydc: lol
arwenundomiel9: haha

Yay Michigan! :-)

mirror mirror on the wall

So... this also will be enigmatic. Someone once taught me an exercise on how to reach into people's lives. How to open doors and make contact with another human being. It was something like this: "When I look at you I see..." and then say the first thing that comes to your mind. Whether its a song, or a picture, or something else. Its a great conversation starter. A friend of mine used it. She said to this girl, "When I look at you I see bright colorful flowers" and explained herself, that she felt like the colors were artistic talents and that the girl liked a broad array of things. Her eyes opened wider and she said, Yeah, that's me exactly. And from there the conversation went far and wide into art and talent, where before there had been no conversation at this dinner table.

So I'm going to give it a try. When I look at you... I see me. I see a mirror. And it startles me, and intrigues me. You are going through the same thing I am going through right now. You feel the same way about it, and you are annoyed by the same types of people. I give you advice people have given me and I realize that you are receiving the same advice because you are a mirror. You have the same types of feelings and reactions to things. When I am talking to you, I am talking to myself. You move like me, you exude what I exude. The difference is, we are separated by glass. Permanent, yet so thin. So easily shattered. But I am afraid its permanence wins out. I am afraid the glass will never break, and you will never be free. I can never really embrace you because of this glass. I can only embrace the glass.

There how's that for opening up and still being enigmatic. Breaking a mirror is 7 years of bad luck you know.

torn

I am thinking about breaking that vow of silence. Not because I need it. But because someone else might need me to open up so that they do not go down the same road I once took. The dilemma is that this person does not communicate well with me but might read my blog if I mentioned it to them. So I'm torn about when and where and if I should open up to this person.

I'm scared for them really. They are very much like me. And I care about them a lot. And they are in a similar postition that I was in some years ago. I can see them getting very very hurt. I think they would take my advice if I gave it. But getting to the point where its ok to give it is difficult. I was there. I hope they do not feel the same pain I felt. I would not wish it on anyone. At the same time, looking back... yep it hurt. But I healed. The human spirit is resilient. Its amazing. Doesn't mean I should stop trying to protect someone from pain though.

In other news, I helped James plant a garden today. It looks really nice. Flower gardens are cool, but there's something special about planting a garden that you know will produce a harvest. It makes me want to do stuff in my backyard.

And there's a restaurant on Milltown Road that is really good. They serve pigeon. I didn't try that though. Ask me about it, I'll tell you the full details. Go there soon because the owners are thinking of selling.

So ok. I semi opened up. No details for you. And only the surface of what I'm feeling. But its something. Feel special.

Extreme Courage

I never knew what a courageous man Billy Joel is... or his songwriter.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Continuing a song/poem I wrote years ago

The little girl sits in her window seat
Trying to dry her eyes.
She doesn't know how long she'll be
Staring up at the sky.

Surrounded by those old teddy bears
She looks again down the lane.
She doesn't know how long she's been there
But nothing much has changed.

Chorus: Where is it? Where is he?
Why is she still there in the night?
Who cares why she is there?
When will someone notice her plight?

A hand to her face and she grabs a tear
Threatening to fall.
A fairy tale brings a gripping fear
That nothing's there at all.

And like Mr. Bear, time fades her dream
Of that long lost myth.
Yet again the bear smothers her scream
and he hears another wish.

Chorus

"Why does life have to be so hard?"
But Teddy holds his gaze.
"And how on earth did I make it this far,
And why did it happen this way?"

She gazes off to the Eastern sky,
and dawn will be here soon.
She takes a deep breathe and she wipes her eyes,
and maybe he'll be here soon.

Today

I went to Rick's graduation party today. We've known each other since like forever. He's now "Ric Kinon, BFA." It was a good party. I'm starting to like this keeping my secrets experiment.

If you wanna see his artwork, go to www.starkravingkalm.com. I haven't seen it yet, so if there's something bad there, sorry.

This is not me "opening up," after that last post. This is me stating stuff I've found. You can puzzle it out if you really want to. But don't ask me cause I'm not gonna open up right now.

A graduation ceremony is a cultural tradition termed as a rite of passage. What’s that? It is a ritual or ceremony that marks one stage of a person’s life into another. Marriage is the most commonly known and observed today. “Rite of passage” was termed by anthropologist Arnold van Gennep in 1909 who believed that passage rituals had 3 steps: 1) separation from society 2) inculcation-transformation 3) return to society in the new status.

Here's the other thing:

"They say there's a poem at the temple that is carved in stone. Its title is 'Loss' and it consists of only three words. But no one can read them because the poet scratched them out. No one can read 'Loss,' it can only be felt." ~Memoirs of a Geisha

and then there's something else that pulled my heart strings for reasons you can puzzle out on your own. Because: Puhasol: growing up is hard to do

arwenundomiel9: lately... i've been wanting to go somewhere... anywhere but here. but someone told me once not to run from anything. if i'm going to run, i should run towards something... i just haven't figured that something out yet
Puhasol: run towards cyrus :-)
Puhasol: that gives you the whole country
Puhasol: except hawaii
Puhasol: unless you flew east
Puhasol: to get to cyrus
arwenundomiel9: haha... then i'd have the whole world except america
Puhasol: well you'd have alaska and hawaii then

France

So...

I'm sure you have all been reading and have seen that I'm not exactly going through the best of times lately. Actually kinda since the beginning of the year. Or before that. Things have definitely been harder than they are now. And as I told Sam today when he asked how I'm doing, "I have lived a better life." The answer he gave me was, "You are living a good life." Which I'm grateful for. I needed someone to point me towards the positive.

But I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have listened to me vent, or have allowed me to confide in you. You are amazing and wonderful friends. Not everyone is that blessed that they have people like all of you to be there for them, to let them know that they are loved and cared for and protected even.

I love you all back... and I will always be there to listen to you when you have things to vent about.

But... I've been pondering a lot of things lately. I skipped a few jujitsu classes, which is not like me. And I spent the time mostly trying to sort things out in my mind. And I realized that I need people. And there is definitely merit in being able to have friends who will let you vent or give you a shoulder to cry on. However, there is also some danger inherent in venting. And so far... some of my venting has had negative reactions... sort of in my mind only.

So, I'm quitting. I'm taking a break from venting. It won't even be up here. I'll still post stuff... but it will not be serious, third-level conversation. And even my closest friends will not hear me vent. I realize, whether or not I vent has nothing to do with the drama all around me. But by not venting I will be better able to ride this wave of drama. Its bigger than all the others, so I know of no other way to do it. I'm sorry if this disappoints any of you. But I need my secrets right now. This is me not being an emotional cuddlebug.

For right now, lets say I will keep this vow of secrecy for a month, so until June 17. We'll see how it goes. It will be my experiment.

ADDENDUM: Congratulations to Anissa for passing her Gokyu exam! YAAAAAYYYY. I am now the highest ranking Rokyu. When I'm there. When I'm not there, I'm sure there are a bunch of other Rokyus who outrank me. Heather and Stacey, for instance. But if I'm not there it doesn't much matter anyway haha.

And... Barb said something last night too. She said Steve, a guy from California, is paralyzed from the waist down, yet he is a brown belt in jujitsu, and all his paintings draw you in and really convey motion. And another of her friends is blind, but paints with the most beautiful and vivid colors. So she said... "Sometimes your greatest weakness is your greatest asset." And it made me wonder what my greatest weakness is.

At Last!!

Vindication in the food area...

Boil 3 c. water and 1 c. grits. Simmer on low and covered for ten minutes. Don't forget to stir. Stir in 1/2 cheddar and lots of Goya pepper sauce and Frank's Red Hot sauce. Spread grits on an ovensafe plate so they are laid out all thin. Bake at 350 for 5 minutes to dry the grits out. Remove from over, cut grits like a cake into little bite sized squares or triangles or dodecahedrons. Your choice. Submerge in flour and fry.

Corny GOODNESS!! Vegetarian, but by no means healthy by any stretch of the imagination. WHEEEE...

Hicksville!!

"One thing I know, I keep my heart and soul in the boondocks." ~Little Big Town

So I forgot to mention my experience yesterday. I went to church for Mother's Day. Things were alright... then all of a sudden the style of music changed for the second worship song. Yay steel guitar! I looked at my brother, he looked at me with an embarressed grin. I leaned over and said, "Yeehaw!!!"

Unfortunately he doesn't know the Cotton-eyed Joe dance. Otherwise... I would have had him helping me hoe-down.

And then after that came a song infused with the sound of a harmonica. Which is interesting because 1) the band doesn't own a steel guitar 2) they do not have a harmonica player 3) they really don't know how to play country music or whatever style it was they were attempting to do. But kudos for trying!! Yay band.

I do feel mild annoyance though that they felt the need to rub it in that I'm from Hicksville.

interesting

This was Kevin's away message. I find it fascinating:

Wizards Ninth Rule

A contradiction can not exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole. To believe in a contradiction is to abdicate your belief in the existence of the world around you and the nature of the things in it, to instead embrace any random impulse that strikes your fancy to imagine something is real simply because you wish it were. A thing is what it is, it is itself. There can be no contradictions.
In reality, contradictions cannot exist. To believe in them you must abandon the most important thing you possess: your rational mind. The wager for such a bargain is your life. In such an exchange, you always lose what you have at stake.

An experiment gone bad

Don't try this.

Root Beer Float variation:

Ginger Ale with chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

It tastes gross. Actually it tastes like it might be from Asia somewhere. The ginger-cream combo. Ehhh...

mmm

I lied to someone today. Not to any of you who read this. But... it was an odd feeling. I was sort of struck by the permanence of it. Like, ok... with this topic, this is just how its going to be for the rest of my life. But... *it* is a small thing. Nothing that will kill me if it stays this way. It just caught my attention today.

ACKKK gaggg ick plbbbffttt...

I just ate a really disgusting jelly bean. It tastes like Windex. Take that Harry Potter Jelly Bellies!

I just read the first paragraph again... I guess I should explain myself. I had to lie to this person. Telling the truth would be admitting to myself that my life is screwed up. No, that sounds too harsh. Telling the truth to this person would lead to tons of questions and ultimately this person telling me I'm not living my life correctly. So to avoid the hassel of the stigma in West Milford, I've decided to let everyone here believe I'm living like a West Milford girl. But in reality, I've become a New Brunswick girl. But they can't know that. And I can't go back to life as a Milly girl. As much as I sometimes long for momma's apron strings, I can't.

I can't even explain what it means to be a New Brunswick girl. You have to come here and try it to see.

So yeah its complicated. And the issue in question can't be mentioned here, so its even more enigmatic. Sorry if I've totally confused and/or made everyone curious out of their minds. This isn't a plead for someone to interrogate me. Its only a place for me to express how I feel, in this case, how I feel about lying.

Its sad. But necessary.

Fiction...

...titled... umm... "Mojito"

You guys asked for some fiction... here we go...

Alec stepped into the hotel bar. It was dimly lit, which he was happy about, because he was not in any mood for his few acquaintances to bug him about another drink or going to the weight room or some such other thing. He just wanted to relax a little before going to bed. Something that would clear his mind. He found a small table in the corner and munched on some peanuts.

He couldn't figure out what he was feeling about Her. Why did he feel so empty inside when he thought about the past 6 months? They were fulfilling months. No, they were AMAZING. SHE was amazing. But... there's still something wrong. Almost morally wrong. Maybe its the age difference. But... She's not really that young. Only about 5 years. She's pretty, no, She's beautiful. She's got a great personality, similar hobbies.

She was his type. Definitely. So, what was the problem? A waitress came over to find out what he wanted. A Guinness. A drink fit for a guy. To be drinking it alone is sad, sure. But its fitting. She's on the other side of the world, and nothing else will keep him company quite like a Guinness.

He thought about when She kissed him goodbye at the airport. He was a good actor. No one, not even Her, had noticed his cringe. For a moment Her hair had fallen in front of Her face, as She knelt to pick up his carry-on for him. She was always sweet like that, doing things for him. But he had used that moment to take a furtive glance around. Had anybody seen their kiss? Why did it matter?

He thought back to the first time they'd kissed. It was after his neice's christening. He took Her back to Her apartment; She invited him in. And... the light hit Her hair just right, the soft smile on Her face showed how happy She was. And it seemed like instinct just to take Her in his arms.

He could almost imagine She was there, sitting in front of him, with an orange summer dress and a mojito. That was Her favorite drink. It somehow fit Her personality. Or else it just complemented the color of Her dress. The entire image reminded him of summer. That was Her season, Her season to shine. She lifted Her glass to his, and he looked up into...

...eyes that were not Hers. His mind was abruptly drawn out of his daydream by the realization that there was a tipsy brunette sitting across from him. Her accent sounded French. She was really easy to talk to.

No, there's no reason he was sitting alone in a corner with a Guinness. No reason he's alone in a foreign hotel with no one beside him. No reason to tell the French girl that someone close to him didn't want to come along.

No reason, because he himself didn't know how he felt about Her. He didn't know why something inside him seemed to hold him down just when She was about to make him fall head over heels for Her all over again. He missed that falling feeling.

So he didn't decline when French Girl invited him to go for a stroll... to find a beer that didn't have hotel mark-ups. It was a quiet little pub. He enjoyed talking to her. He could even find himself a little bit off balance around her. Maybe that was the beer. He didn't even know until her drink arrived that it was another mojito. She said something in French that sounded cute, took the mint sprig out and crushed one leaf on the back of her wrist. She then crushed another mint leaf into her drink. It was something he'd seen Her do a hundred times before. The faint smell of mint reached his nose and he smiled at the familiarity. He liked French Girl.

On the walk back to the hotel, the rainclouds finally decided to do something, so the two of them ducked into a doorway to wait for the downpour to end. It was a quick shower, but it was long enough for him to realize how close they were standing. And how cold the rain had made things. French Girl was so similar to Her. He turned to look at her again, but she was standing closer than he expected and suddenly their lips met. He was surprised. But then he thought about Her back home. And he kissed French Girl deeper. He realized they were almost the same girl. The difference was French Girl was a stranger. And She was his best friend. And you shouldn't kiss your best friend. In that one quick kiss, so many realizations tumbled into his head that he didn't know what to do.

He pulled away. She'd had more to drink. She wanted to keep going. But he looked into her eyes and saw Hers weeping. He could never tell Her what he'd just done. He could never make Her hurt that badly. And what's more, they weren't right for each other. He'd have to let Her go anyway, even if She didn't know about French Girl.

Back at the hotel, they went their separate ways. The rain had soaked them, so they each went to change. But it was only a pretext. He didn't want to see her. He went back into the hotel bar and sat in a different corner with his whiskey, wondering how he could break it to Her. And why couldn't he have seen it before. No doubt She would wonder how he could have changed. Or maybe She'd seen it coming. That explains Her refusal to come with him on this trip. But still... hurting Her now was better than hurting Her more later. The longer he waited the more it would hurt Her when the time came. And the more it would hurt him, seeing Her in pain.

She'd be at the airport to pick him up. Maybe on the ride back. No, take Her out to dinner. After the jet lag wears off. No sense being exhausted and emotional at the same time. Lets just be friends, have some dinner. How stupid does that sound? What if he just didn't come back? Didn't explain himself at all. What if he was just gone? She'd have questions, sure. But she wouldn't have the answers that would hurt Her so much.

The waitress was asking him to leave. The entire hotel, apparently, had gone to bed. Suddenly, sleep seemed like the best idea ever. He could see Her there, and in sleep he could see Her and still be in love with Her.

He threw the mint on the desk and pushed the turned-down covers all the way to the end of the bed. If he wasn't going back, he'd have to get comfortable here. He closed his eyes, and tried to take Her pain away.

THE FUTURE...

...ooooh... make breakfast spooky... spooky eating toast.... yum yum yum... human hand.

Hmm

So school ends and all of a sudden I have the time to think again. Funny how that happens every semester.

I thought about a lot of things. Needed to cry and got that out. Needed to chat and got that to happen too. Needed to... not necessarily make decisions, but at least lay the groundwork so I'll be able to. Did that until 8 am this morning.

I'd like to say I think education is amazing. 4 years ago, I could only speak and understand English. Now, Doug is iming me in Spanish, I'm answering in Italian, and then going to another AIM box and speaking to Steve in English. And... as a part of a potential future schooling opportunity, this morning I seriously considered the possibility that I might need to learn French.

And it all started in Jujitsu. Where I'm getting a couple words here and there in Japanese. And through the people involved, getting exposure to Mandarin. And German. And Hindi. And Malayalam.

But anyway, back to jujitsu. Since winter break, I've not felt like going. I sort of go out of habit now. I couldn't imagine breaking that habit until a few days ago. Then suddenly I realized I'd felt this way since the winter and why didn't I notice earlier? Barb mentioned last week about moving from the heart. She was speaking with a physiological viewpoint because the lines and angles between the heart and other body parts are crucial. But I took it mentally as well. I can't move from my heart because my heart's not in it. I think I've mentioned that before.

Yesterday at jujitsu, it was good. Barb pushed me to conquer a fear I've had. And it was good. I got over it. I'm sure it looked messy when I did it, but I did it. Actually two fears. One of them looked REALLY messy. But whatever. I got a lot out of it. But I didn't care. I didn't have a sense of elation that I'd conquered my fear. I didn't care because I was not interested in being there. I kept wondering what time it was. When would it end.

My brother said something to my mom about how when he comes to Rutgers, he's not sure if he wants to join jujitsu, because its my life now. And he doesn't want to be that closely connected to me. But if he only knew what's going on in my head... maybe jujitsu IS my life now. Maybe that's making me resent it.

At any rate... maybe I need a break from jujitsu. I think part of it is, over time, my eyes have been opened to things in the dojo. Maybe I just need a break so I can accept the fact that I'm not wearing rosey glasses anymore.

So that's what started a whole slew of things. Because one thing leads to another. And in the end, I ended up allowing myself to dream about the future. I'm not done with school yet. Just done with school at Rutgers.

Whoo hoo! I'm graduating in 8 days!!!

I am going to throw up...

... and when I do, I'm sueing Stouffer's for making crap tv dinners.

In the down time while I'm waiting to throw up, why don't you do this problem?

My brother's sending a challenge out to all my friends... a checkerboard that is 8x8 squares... each square has an x in it, so each angle is dissected equally... how many triangles are there?

Fiction

I want to write fiction... but I don't know how this will turn out... because I only have an idea, not a real story yet. If its crap I might delete it so if you read it, consider yourself lucky.

Yeah its crap. I need some inspiration.

Sometimes I write fiction cause its fun. Other times I write fiction to express the non-fiction. I'd like to do that now, but I don't know how I can. The non-fiction isn't something worth reading.

songs

So... I love quoting songs in my away messages. They don't always correlate to how I feel. But in the past few hours, there have been so many songs I'd like to quote, I don't know where to start, so I'm putting a bunch in here instead.

Pilgrim how you journey/ On the road you chose/ To find out why the winds die/ And where the stories go/ All days come from one day/ That much you must know/ You cannot change what's over/ But only where you go/ One way leads to diamonds/ One way leads to gold/ Another leads you only/ To everything you're told/ In your heart you wonder/ which of these is true/ The road that leads to nowhere/ the road that leads to you/ Will you find the answer/ in all you say and do?/ Will you find the answer/ In you?/ Each heart is a pilgrim/ Each one wants to know/ .../ .../ Pilgrim, in your journey/ You may travel far/ For pilgrim it's a long way/ To find out who you are ~Enya

Who can say where the road goes,/ Where the day flows, only time?/ And who can say if your love grows,/ As your heart chose, only time?// Who can say why your heart sighs,/ As your love flies, only time?/ And who can say why your heart cries/ when your love lies, only time?// Who can say when the roads meet,/ That love might be in your heart?/ .../.../ ...// .../ .../ .../ .../ .../ ... ~Enya

I don't know how to say this,/ I don't know where to stand,/ I don't know where to put my feet,/ Or where to put my hands./ I've got them in my pockets,/ My fingers are freezing cold,/ They're wrapped around a ticket stub/ That's four weeks old,/ And I don't know how to say this.// I think we've figured out/ This world is bigger than you and I./ We've exhausted our wealth of knowledge/ And have no more answers for mankind.// We've had every conversation in the world/ About what is right and what has all gone bad,/ But have I mentioned to you that this is all I am,/ This is all that I have.// I'm not trying to judge you./ No that's not my job. / I am just a seeker too,/ In search of God.// Somewhere somehow this subject became taboo. / I have no other way to communicate to you. / This is all that I am./ This is all that I have.// And we've had every conversation in the world/ About what is right and what has all gone bad,/ ... / ...// .../ .../ .../ ...// .../ .../ .../ ...// .../ .../ .../ .../ ...// .../ .../ Just know that I care for you/ And I’m speaking from my heart ~Sarah Groves

I've done every devotional/ Been every place emotional/ Trying to hear a new word from God/ And I think it's very odd,/ that while I attempt to help myself/ My Bible sits upon my shelf/ With every promise/ I could ever need// Chorus: ... // Verse 2 // Bridge ~SG

I don’t want to leave here/ I don’t want to stay/ It feels like pinching to me/ Either way/ And the places I long for the most/ Are the places where I’ve been/ They are calling out to me/ Like a long lost friend// It’s not about losing faith/ It’s not about trust/ It’s all about comfortable/ When you move so much/ And the place I was wasn’t perfect/ But I had found a way to live/ And it wasn’t milk or honey/ But then neither is this// Chorus: I've been painting pictures of Egypt,/ leaving out what it lacks/ The future feels so hard,/ And I wanna go back!/ But the places that used to fit me,/ Cannot hold the things I've learned/ Those roads were closed off to me/ While my back was turned!// The past is so tangible/ I know it by heart/ Familiar things are never easy/ To discard/ I was dying for some freedom/ But now I hesitate to go/ I am caught between the Promise/ And the things I know// chorus// If it comes too quick/ I may not appreciate it/ Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?/ And if it comes too quick/ I may not recognize it/ Is that the reason behind all this time and sand? ~SG

Hello Lord, it's me your child/ I have a few things on my mind/ Right now I'm faced with big decisions/ And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz// Chorus: Right now I don't hear so well/ And I was wondering if you could speak up/ I know that you tore the veil/ So I could sit with you in person/ And hear what you're saying but/ Right now, I just can't hear you.// I don't doubt your sovereignty/ I doubt my own ability to/ Hear what you're saying/ And to do the right thing/ And I desperately want to do the right thing// Chorus// And somewhere in the back of my mind/ I think you are telling me to wait/ And though patience has never been mine/ Lord, I will wait to hear from you/ Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you// Chorus// Right now, I think you're whispering ~SG

ten years old...

So... this is going to be a rant... and I'm not even sure if I can share all of it. I was feeling a little annoyed today. Two people I know were treating each other like they were each ten years old. And I know they are FAR older than that. It was frustrating, knowing that in other areas, they are extremely mature and developed. I guess it kinda frustrates me because sometimes my mom treats me like I'm years younger than I am, and it bothers me, not so much because she's implying that I'm not mature, but more because I can't be trusted. I guess if these two people could trust each other to be mature, maybe they would be mature.

And then after jujitsu, we were standing around saying goodnight and a car drove up and someone pegged me with a water balloon. It bounced off my shoulder and broke on Amish. I didn't respond outwardly like Doug did. But I think I could have killed the guy with a glance if he'd been standing in front of me right then. Something in the atmosphere made me really... not angry... it was beyond angry. It was like... "Dude you freaking need to grow up stupid college drunk frat jerk." But that was inside. Outside, it bounced off me. The water balloon bounced, and so did the atmosphere... It was weird. Thinking about it made it a bit clearer just now. I took it as an attack against me... so I got... not defensive, not indignant... but... I guess protective of justice... if that makes any sense. When Doug took off chasing the car to throw his water bottle at them, the first thing that came to mind was that he was chasing them to get the license plate number. If I had it, I would have complained to the police. Not cause I was really hurt. But cause jerks should be punished for being. Especially if they live on frat row. Hmm I think I'm a bit more porcupiney tonight. Something in the air I guess.

And then during jujitsu Barb kept telling us to make a line to our hearts. Draw all of your force from your heart. And she was talking physical heart but I think she wanted us to draw the connection to our emotions and mental state as well. That all of our actions should come from the heart. It was a little frustrating, because I was getting so many good pointers from Barb that I don't normally get from her because there's one of her and so many of us. But at the same time, my heart wasn't in it, so I wasn't getting as much out of it as I think I should have gotten. I couldn't do jujitsu tonight because my heart wasn't there. If its not there, there's nothing to draw from in terms of doing the techniques the way she wants it.

And I'm not entirely sure why my heart isn't in it. I think that it hasn't been in a lot of things lately. Maybe its got a reason. Maybe not. Maybe its just one of those phases I go through. I went through a phase like that back in January too.

smile

So... Ragtime is over. It was a good show. I had a lot of fun. Ag Field Day and the NJ Folk Festival were fun too. I feel like lately I've been doing Rutgers things I haven't done in the past four years solely for the sake of saying I did them. I feel like, OOH I'm graduating, I have to do this first! Although I haven't been to Rutgersfest yet. That's ok. I'm not into the whole, "drinking, forty bazillion people and a rap band" scene. Anyway. Ag Field Day in combination with working backstage and then going to Applebee's wore me out, both physically and emotionally. As usual, my mind didn't know what to do with the emotional stuff, so even though not all of it was bad, my mind sent it all over to my body which decided to make it physical pain. It manifested itself in a way that has only happened maybe 4-5 times before. During times of extreme fatigue, I get something in my joints that feels kinda like arthritis. The first time I felt it was after a 6 hour hike literally up and down mountains in Italy under the blistering sun. I couldn't sleep that night because of the pain in my ankles, knees, wrists, elbows, and shoulders. Luckily, yesterday wasn't that bad- it was only my ankles swollen and throbbing and one knee. But I was all better in the morning, and slept through church just to catch up on the sleep I haven't been getting all semester.

Then I went to U-Yee's with Cara, Doug, James, Anissa, and Steve for some really good sushi (1/2 off). That was fun. The theme of the conversation topics seemed to be "torture and violent death" which I guess is natural coming from martial artists. James isn't a martial artist, but he is an engineer, so he has cool chemical ways of contributing to the conversation. Made me think my brother's going to fit right in when he comes to Rutgers and I drag him into the whole jujitsu scene.

After that I got back to my apartment, showered, and fiddled with my hair forever. Steve and I went to the BA Theater Major's Ball. It was a lot of fun. I normally don't like that kind of thing and I wasn't planning on going until Andrea called me on Easter Sunday to see if I was going. She convinced me, and it was partly because her phone call meant I had something to do besides sit and be ignored by my cousins and aunts and uncles.

And it was really worth it. Steve and Anissa plotted on a whole corsage-bouttoniere thing, and it was just a really good time. I remember a long time ago I wrote a poem that said something along the lines of "I just want a fairy tale night with a pretty dress and a handsome guy." And while I've had that type of night before, somehow... tonight was... I guess the matured version of that. Like I've been waiting and getting fulfilling awesome nights before this, but tonight was... what the poem was about. There was something about the energy of the room, the atmosphere... that sort of fulfilled what I had in the poem. I danced a little... got my swing dance in, and the Cotton-eyed Joe song. I learned a new version of the dance to it- being from the sticks, we kinda have a more hick version lol.

And during dinner, I had this thought hit me: I'm graduating. Will I ever see these people again? And so I had the sudden urge to take a picture of every person I know haha. So I got a bunch of pictures, and they did a presentation honoring seniors (I got a fake diploma, a "degree certificate"). So in a way, it is a little sad too.

But, I haven't graduated yet, which means I still have a paper due in the morning, so I'm gonna get to it. Goodnight.

poem 2

I guess sometimes something happens internally in which the poet can no longer be concealed. He must raise his head, his fist, and strike the canvas of the words he uses. There is no holding him beneath the surface. Once he's out, the poems pour out unstoppably.

I'm done.
No longer are you required
To compete with a ghost.
Precisely what that ghost is
I'm not sure.
Because it was never there to begin with.
Only in my mind.
Which makes its definition circular.
You can't define an item
Using itself.
Except in the case of the ghost.
The ghost was in my head,
Which is what made it a ghost.
And its gone now.
Dissolved by the tiniest amount of light
Coming from the shining glint of a blade.

poem

From this moment onward:
I have decided it is better to love.
I have decided it is ok to hurt.
I will embrace pain.
Hope for healing.
Not expect it.
I have decided to become
A pessimist.
I have decided to fall in love,
Catch a shooting star,
Embrace the burn,
And love again.
I will be disappointed
If it does not hurt.

hmm

We should all freaking stop lying to each other. I can think of way too many people who would not be in a certain mess right now if they'd admit the truth. Ok that's my rant.

de ja vu

Jamie sleepily lifted her head off the car window and stretched the kinks out of her neck. Something odd was happening. She looked out the window and saw the signs passing on the highway. She recognized the dreary warehouses and factories, the overcast sky as dusk approaches. Something tugged at her still sleepy brain. That music on the radio. She knew that song somehow went with the landscape. Slowly it dawned on her. She turned her head to look at the driver.

Tom. "What is going on? What am I doing here?"

He looked at her and grinned, singing along to the song. Off key and off beat. Just like always.

"Tom!" Pause. "I don't know what to say. This can't be happening."

He wouldn't say a word to her, only look and smile. "Tom, answer me!" His eyebrows lifted, as if to ask her what she wanted. "I can't be here! This isn't happening. It can't be happening."

His silence gave her the question, "Why not?"

"Because... It just can't." Pause. "It happened already!" Jamie decided this was all a dream. Ok. That's it. I'll just go to sleep again. It will go away. And things will be normal again. She closed her eyes. She wasn't sure if time was passing or not. She thought maybe her body was moving.

She opened her eyes. She was lying on a park bench. Her watch read 4 am. There was a cup of lemonade next to her. She rubbed the sleep sand out of her eyes. Strange. There was more than usual. She wondered if that meant she'd been crying. Uh-oh. That feeling was back. She looked to the end of the bench. Tom sat there watching her.

"What is going on?? Why won't you leave? You don't EXIST anymore." He just smiled. Jamie forced herself back into the sleep she assumed she was already in. How do you wake up from a dream you have while you are still awake?

So, I've been keeping busy, actually doing work and going to Ragtime rehearsals/performances. Its a good show. I'm proud of my friends because you can really tell they put a lot of work into it.

This weekend I was whisked away by two really good friends to someplace I didn't know about. Well... ok. Steve planned it. But I thought that Anissa planned it, cause they lied to me. And then Anissa didn't want to go, so we kidnapped her, even though I had no idea where we were going. It turned out to be a spaceship to the moon. The moon was cool. I brought home a moon rock.

It was fun hanging out with them and being on the edge of my seat for the 4 hour drive there. We had to stop at Rennselaer to pick up Steve's astronaut friend, so it was cool to see the college my brother was accepted to. Speaking of which, he just sent his acceptance letter to Rutgers, so YAY... he'll be a RSE (really smart engineer) over on Busch. Maybe he'll join jujitsu too. That would be cool. Anyway, toss this out there too: Kevin almost went to RPI but picked Rutgers instead, and I heard about Rutgers through him (he sold me on it). If RPI had had ROTC, he'd have gone there, and I would not have heard his Rutgers speech; I and therefore my brother would not have come to Rutgers, I'd have a COMPLETELY different set of friends. So going to RPI for the weekend made me think "Wow, this is the college whose lack of a program led to an incredible gain because of the friends I have."

And contrary to popular belief... I didn't think about .asdf. during the AW con. Only briefly when I heard the carrot juice. With fond memories, not with sorrow.

And all in all, I had a really good time. After the moon, we went to Japan to see Mt Fuji. I took pictures of the fog on the volcano and us in front of a mountain-top shrine. The good times continued, until of course the ride home, when my body decided to practice being in labor. I had to go straight to working backstage at Ragtime, so I gave Anissa and Steve my keys to drop my stuff off in my apartment. When I got back I discovered that my away message had been changed to something about chomping my ovaries. So if anyone read that and was offended, yell at her not me haha.

And now I had a good chat with Anissa so that was good. And I realized the soap opera is bigger than I thought. Anissa gets it more though, cause she's the president and people confide in her. Wow I had no idea things could get so... woven. Its like a giant rug.

And now I have some time to do some homework so that's cool. Got my cap, gown, hood, tassel... Can't seem to figure out this silly hood, but I guess I have two weeks to do that. If I can't figure it out, I'll tie it around my ankle. $50 to graduate in style lol. And more if I have to buy the honors cord... which I won't know until my grades all get finalized.

Anyway... gonna go make sure I actually do graduate by going and finishing my homework. Bye.

Easter and onward

Easter was good. I went to see my relatives again. My cousin's wife is suffering from depression so they drove with their 3 kids back to Maryland before getting to see anyone. His brother went back too, but has a girldfriend now... so mom's glad he's not gay. She actually said that to me. Which I don't get because there's no hint he might be whatsoever. I see nothing wrong with going through a horrible horrible break up and then not dating for years after that. It doesn't make you gay. My cousin Peter was going to massage school in Canada last time I updated about my family. It turns out they changed the laws about getting into the country for schooling, and he didn't have the proper government blood test, and the government wouldn't get him the blood test. So they gave him 24 hours to get his stuff and leave. So now he's an apprentice at a tattoo parlor for this REALLY good tattoo artist... like where a simple tattoo can range into the thousands because there's no such thing as a simple tattoo for this guy. And my aunt and uncle are going to raise koi in a pond they just made in their backyard. So when my other aunt heard that, she took us all over to her neighbor's house. He just redid the backyard. We walk up and there's an intricate stone archway opening into the garden patio. Along the edge of the patio there's basically a giant, rock-lined swimming pool full of koi a foot and a half long. On the far side there are 1 ton slabs of rock, with a huge cascading waterfall going into the pond. To the left is a blooming cherry tree, dropping petals into the water, and to the right and all along the top of the waterfall are fancy evergreen trees, statues of blue herons, and deer and stuff. The place was gorgeous.

Anyway... that was about it. I started working on Ragtime at LTC on Monday. So I have no life again. And today they were giving out free bras at the student center. Wheee!!!! Ok now I really have to do some homework.

Just out of curiosity...

I looked up some of the meanings of certain flowers.

Hydrangea: Thank you for understanding; frigidity; heartlessness
Orchid: Love; beauty; refinement; beautiful lady; Chinese symbol for many children; Mature charm
Pink Roses: Perfect happiness; please believe me
Gillyflower/Stock: Lasting beauty

Carnations: Bonds of affection; health and energy; fascination; woman love
pink- I'll never forget you
red- My heart aches for you; admiration
yellow- Rejection; disdain
magenta and mauve- ???
Daisies: Innocence
Baby's Breath: Everlasting Love
Sinuata/Statice: remembrance
Liatris: Enthusiasm

bookguydc: Here's a verse given to me during my struggles: Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

It made me think. And wonder. And talk to God. I don't know where I am anymore. But I can definitely relate to the hope deferred. I just wonder when the longing fulfilled will come. But first I wonder what I truly long for. I don't think I know yet.

On a happier note, I have been able to have some good conversations with people. Steve and I sat and talked to Barb for a long time about religion. It was cool. And there were some other people I've been able to talk to lately... even if its been mostly on aim. Gotta start somewhere.

The play is over! Yay! People want me to do another one, I keep getting compliments right and left, and I'm proud of what was done this week. So that's a good thing. And Steve and Anissa got me flowers and chocolates. And my parents got me flowers.

. looked me in the eyes yesterday for the first time in a long time. But was it really me . was seeing? Or was it .?

Yeah its nice being cryptic.

Mom was bristly yesterday. I wonder why. Steve brought something up that made me think. And I don't know how to deal with my mom.

Now I'm just going to be depressing and say life is not all its cracked up to be. But its good anyway.

Ok yeah I need sleep. bye all!

sigh

The play is almost over. I've been stressed, going at a fast pace for the past few weeks. Wow say that five times fast.

But I was thinking about it. And this crazy life, I hate it. Yet that's what keeps my passion alive. I have a love-hate relationship with theater. I can't live without it. But one day, the hectic pace is going to give me a stroke.

I'm still getting... "I think we need pyrotechnics here. Can I drop a body from the ceiling?"

And the lines are gradually getting there, which is good.

But yeah. I have to frisk my brother for matches before the show. Otherwise his hands will be on fire when he comes onto the stage in his Satan costume.

California? Did I hear someone say they had a spare ticket to California? Oh ok. You don't need me right? Ok I'm running away now.

Now to figure out how to get the random kids not to walk across the stage:
My Brother Dan: Hey, kids you're getting in the way here, you wanna go out in the hallway to play gi joe?
Obnoxious kid who will remain anonymous: What do you mean by what?
Dan: What?
Kid: What do you mean by what?
Dan: Wait. I didn't say 'what' the first time. How about if you don't leave, I pick you up and throw you?

Gotta love my brother.

Jesus

Jesus

Why I can post this: my Jesus is not the kind of guy to sit in a church pew and look like a nice guy. No one likes the nice guys. They are boring. The Jesus I know is not boring. He's God, yes. All-powerful, yes. Exciting, absolutely. He's the type of guy that would make a picture of his face in butter. He came to earth and hung out with fisherman, tax collectors, all sorts of sinners. You think the pretty pictures of Jesus holding his hands in the peaceful benediction sign would appeal to those guys? They wore leather and didn't shave. Jesus had to fit in with them. He was a carpenter. I don't know about you, but all the carpenters I know are ripped. But that's a tangent. I can post this website because... Jesus is having a good laugh over it too. It made me smile and brightened my insane day.

a day in the life

I haven't slept. Cause I don't have the time. There's too much to do. So any typos... just blame that.

My teacher sent an email about the midterm... here's a little quote I found interesting.

EXTRA CREDIT: Someone will ask, "can I do any extra credit to bring up my course grade?" "Yes," I will say, "Study more for the final than you did for the midterm."

I applied for a job at a garden center today. Its a really nice place, and I'd hope they let me work there. I would love to have an outdoor job again. Two summers ago, that was probably the ultimate job experience. I had such a good time. Working hard and covering up the... well. Yeah I didn't have such a good life outside of working.

I was thinking about something I told someone once. Well, something I told several someones. "You've got a crush on her." "What? No I don't." "Yes you do. When I look at you, I can see that she's all you think about. I can see that when you walk in a room, she's the first person you look for to see if she's there. When you want to tell a story about something that happened to you today, you look to see if she's willing to listen. Then when you tell the story, you are only telling her, whether there are other people there or not." The people I mentioned this to had very different reactions, from surprise, to indignation, to denial.

But I was thinking the other day. Can anyone say the same about me? Can anyone tell me exactly what I told those people (gender differences allowed for of course)? I don't know. I'm not sure where my life is right now.

Chinese Candy Translations

The package of the pineapple candy states:

"The gorgeous taste of fully ripened pineapple, imposing as a southern island king crowned in glory, is yours to enjoy in every soft and juicy Kasugai Pineapple Gummy."

And the muscat candy:

"Its translucent color so alluring and taste and aroma so gentle and mellow offer admiring feelings of a graceful lady. Enjoy soft and juicy Kasugai Muscat Gummy."

So my question is this: When is Hershey going to advertise candy that makes you think nice thoughts about the opposite sex?

When asking this in my away message the other day, I got this response:

In a way, doesn't American candy already do that? If the tiny bite-sized Milky Ways are "Fun Size", would that not subliminally suggest that the full size or king-sized bars are complete ecstasy? Anyway, keep smiling!

Anyhow... just some food for thought. Literally.

spring

Friday was interesting. I had no time to think about the past, even for the day it was.

The magnolias are coming out in New Brunswick and that made me smile through the 1 hour of sleep on my face. And Saturday night, as I came home from working on the set at midnight, I smiled because the spring peepers were out.

If you've never heard spring peepers, you are a deprived child of the city and I pity you. Come spend the weekend with me in the country.

Spring is an interesting time. Lots of memories.

DIE

So this play is killing me. Well, no. The play is collaborating with my teachers. They think I'm Julius Caesar or Kennedy or Lincoln or something.

I average 5 hours of sleep a night. Food makes my stomach hurt. And if it manages to get past my stomach, then my intestines hurt.

But I've been thinking about how active I've been with jujitsu. And how not sleeping keeps my metabolism going longer, which means I burn more fat and calories. So yesterday was laundry day which means today I have no clothes to wear except old ones. So I put on an old pair of pants that are practically skin tight on me... and they fit again. That was the first indication to me that this is affecting my body. Cause the scale has been staying the same- I've been checking because I know I'm stressed and I'm not stupid. I'm going to monitor myself.

But yeah. Either that or jujitsu has made me more "toned." But I doubt it. Cause if that's the case the pants would have fit last semester too.

Ok now I have to run to a rehearsal and work on the set for the play. AHHHH

EDIT: AND I'M LOSING AN HOUR OF SLEEP DUE TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME. WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THAT IDEA... NEEDS TO BE SHOT. AND THEN FLOGGED. AND THEN THROWN OFF A BRIDGE. AND THEN RUN OVER BY A BUS. AND THEN ATTACKED BY RABID SQUIRRELS. AND THEN TAKEN UP TO THE HEAVENS BY THE ONE-EYED ONE-HORNED FLYING PURPLE PEOPLE-EATER. AND THEN DROPPED FROM THE SKY. AND THEN LYNCHED. AND THEN KILLED. AND THEN KILLED AGAIN.