post #2

Not your typical Harlequin romance.
Please note that this is a work of fiction.

Mom answered the phone and handed it to Mara. Odd, since Mara doesn't normally get calls.

"Hello?" It was Yosef. She smiled. He's such a great friend. They chatted for almost 4 hours, also odd, since Mara doesn't normally talk too much, especially on the phone. Bottom line...

"Mara, you're a really nice girl... and the more I think about it, the more... I don't know... I was wondering... I really like you. Can we go on a date sometime?"

Awkward for both of them. Yosef, because he genuinely had lost his tongue in nervousness. Mara, because no one had ever said anything like that before. Mara had to think about it.

And she thought a long time. She was struggling because she REALLY wanted to date someone. But she felt that Yosef was more a friend and brother to her. She didn't want to ruin a relationship just because she couldn't wait for the right guy to come along. And... she could feel God warning her.

Yosef taught her how to speak. How to express herself, and how to communicate with guys. She'd never known how to do that before. And even though some painful things happened afterwards, they didn't date, and she regretted it for a time. But then she realized exactly why God had warned her, and she was grateful that she had listened.

And on the 1-year anniversary of that life-changing phone call, Kyle asked Mara if he could talk with her. And this time, Mara was prepared. She was nervous. She was afraid her family might have a problem with Kyle. She hoped they would not make a race issue out of it. She hoped they would be understanding and... modern, if one can use that word. They sat down in the warm spring air and Mara listened as Kyle said the words she had known he would say.

She took a deep breath. And jumped into the unknown. "I'd like that very much."

They dated for a long time. And her family didn't have a problem with Kyle. Mara knew that everything had happened in God's perfect timing. What's more, Yosef and Mara were able to remain friends. In time, they would drift away, for external circumstances beyond their control. But Kyle and Mara were happy. Mara thought there was serious potential in Kyle. She thought he was the one. She expected that when they were done with school, he would propose.

But then, long before school was out, she noticed the flame in them was dying. Kyle had noticed it too, and eventually, they both gathered up the courage to talk about it. They discovered that their relationship for a time had been a security blanket, dating in order to feel secure. Somehow they had allowed it to change, or it had changed with out their noticing. But they had to face the fact that, although they still had feelings for each other, although they had been able to love with 100% of their hearts, something was not right with their relationship. "Something was rotten in the state of Denmark" as Shakespeare so eloquently put it.

So they broke up. Mara was devastated. She felt lost, and alone. She felt extremely vulnerable being "back on the market" as the horrible saying goes. Mara and Kyle tried to remain friends. But eventually, they decided it was hurting them just to hang out and talk, even with other people around. Mara knew it was for the best. But secretly, she discovered that loving someone with 100% of your heart can destroy a friendship when its over. She vowed she would never love anyone with 100% of her heart again. As the months went on, she toyed with ideas of being stubborn and not having a relationship again, but couldn't deny her heart. She knew one day she would find someone and marry. But she liked to pretend she would have that one pure love in her heart for the rest of life, and none other.

More months passed, and she met Zack. He was fun to be around. He was a good friend. She was learning how to be friends with guys, without having a dating relationship with them. She felt he was her best friend, and that she could confide in him with anything she wanted to talk about. Even girl talk. Even stuff about the awful cramps she got every month. And he loved it. Zack listened to her. Zack had crazy ideas.

As time went on, Mara noticed that she thought about Zack a lot. She still thought about Kyle. But the time away from him allowed her to notice things she'd never noticed before. Things that bothered her that her rose-colored love glasses had filtered out. She looked at Zack and couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be in his arms. And at the same time, he was having the same thoughts about her. It was one of those things that sneaks up on you, when you least expect it.

Mara was thrown into a turmoil. Zack was, to use the vulgar phrase, a wasp. White, Anglo Saxon Protestant. What's more, he was one of those pentecostals. Mara thought her Eastern Orthodox family would be turned off by such a vast difference in culture and religion. But she thought of Kyle, and her family's acceptance of him. She closed her eyes, crossed her fingers, trusted in the love of her family, and kissed him.

And that was when she realized she'd broken her promise. She had allowed herself to love again. But somewhere in the mix, she'd lost touch with her heart. She knew she was in love. But she couldn't tell if it was with 100% of her heart. She suspected not, because a part of her heart had gone away when Kyle left. But all she could think about was that she was in love and couldn't help herself.

Slowly, Mara realized that all good things must come to an end. She fought it though. With Kyle, she had quietly gone along with the flame she felt dying in her heart. With Zack, the flame still burned brightly in her heart, but she could see his was turning cold. She didn't know what to do about it. She didn't know why it was happening. But she saw it and trusted God to help her through it.

And, as she feared, Zack asked Mara to go for a walk with him. She spent the rest of the day crying that something so bright and lovely had burned out so quickly. She smiled through her tears when she thought of the memories she had. They were precious, beautiful memories. Long nights in each other's arms, and the passionate, stolen kisses they had shared while cleaning the shed out back. She had never shared that with Kyle, she kicked herself for comparing them, smiled through her tears at her memories of both, and then kicked herself for allowing a friend to become a lover. She felt guilty for ruining her friendship with Zack; now... she couldn't talk to him as much. She realized fate had somehow caught up with her, and the friendship she'd saved with Yosef had led to losing her close friendship with Zack. History had somehow repeated itself, and she'd lost Kyle, and was losing Zack. She was afraid the same thing might happen. She was afraid she and Zack would not be able to see each other without hurting.

But, as things tend to go, each stage in her life leads to something to be learned. And this was the beginning of a stage in which Mara enjoyed close physical contact with her circle of friends in a non-sexual way. Being single again allowed her to be free. It allowed her to do things without thinking of "the boyfriend." But this plan backfired, as several things happened at once.

Zack, in his distancing, grew close to Lucy (whose name has been changed here to protect the innocent. or guilty. or whatever she is. bottom line is the name's different.) Mara was bothered by this but said nothing, as she also was getting close to someone. But, when Suman seemed to be enjoying their time together more than she was comfortable with, Mara was disturbed. She was not ready for another relationship just yet.

She looked in the mirror and wondered what she was doing with her life. She thought about the lion cubs she'd once seen at the zoo. They didn't have to worry about love. They were fat and happy, eating food provided for them and wrestling in the sunshine of a suburban metropolis.

"They have some life," she thought. "Yosef taught me to communicate with words. Kyle taught me to love completely and purely. Zack taught me to communicate with touch. And now I've learned to take that touch and share a special closeness with my friends. Just as I'm sure those cubs once did as newborns, to keep warm and snuggly near their mother."

A thought struck Mara. "But now, they are a little older. Now, they play fight. Now they pretend they are killing each other." Mara wondered what it would be like to be a lion cub at that age. She wondered if she was entering a new stage of her life.

Still hurting, she hoped she wouldn't mess anything else up. And she turned from her mirror to her window, to look out on the world.

Post #1 tonight

This is an update. I have two posts I have to write tonight, instead of reading a French philosopher talk about existance that was assigned for a class about monsters. Honestly. The two have nothing to do with each other. And since this is my last semester, I plan on getting a decent grade in the class without actually learning a thing. Partly because the teacher doesn't teach anything. So how can I learn it.

Anyway... I got up and went to church where Anissa played her violin. It was a good service. I miss being able to feel like I belong in a church. Christ Community is nice, but its not my home church. And I don't always feel welcome in my home church anymore. So... I miss belonging.

And then Anissa and Steve and I had lunch before going to a memorial service for Darlene, one of the black belts in our dojo. I never met her because she left long before I got there (maternity leave and then cancer). However, when she died, Barb said something in class about being able to let go completely, and not hold on to anything, is demonstrated to its full extent in death. A lot of people will slip into a coma and most of their body dies but one system still functions, like the kidneys or something. They are holding on. Darlene didn't do that. She let go in life, but since I didn't know her, letting go in death was what touched me more. So I felt like I was sort of obligated to come to the memorial. Even though we never met, she still caused Barb to say something that affected my life. I even had "sutemi" and "let go" as the greeting on my phone for a while. That's a legacy for a black belt- even when she's gone, people are still learning from her, because she's not completely gone.

So, Barb did a little ceremony for her during the memorial service. It was... interesting. In a powerful way. From the moment I got to my seat, I could feel a sparkle in the air. The room was... spiritually charged. If I ever had any doubt that jujitsu is more than just a physical art, I could point to today and say, "look at that." Barb had all of the jujitsuka stand at the front, and she lit candles, tracing the flame from the founder of jujitsu down through the senseis to Darlene, with her black belt in the center. After explaining a bit about who, what, why we were doing that, etc, Barb counted to 3 in Japanese and we kiaied.

First of all... Scott and Rob, who knew Darlene well, were fighting tears throughout the ceremony. It was... not disturbing. But something to note. I guess, I know them well, I care about them, and they sorta take care of me, keep an eye out for me. So to see them like that... I wanted to just take them and hold them and then shake them and tell them to stop fighting, tears aren't bad. But, it was the middle of the service.

And then the kiai. When they translate it "spirit yell" I think it couldn't have been better named. Most of the time, I do it wrong, when I have today to compare to. Because I didn't know Darlene, I'm not exactly grieving for her. But a lot of the jujitsuka are. And the kiais that I heard today... they were releasing their spirits for a brief second and I felt all that pain in their hearts manifest itself as a physical shout. And mine was... one of the strongest I've ever done. I guess in a sense, it was my way of being there for them. Most of the time, their kiais (because a lot of them outrank me) are stronger and more experienced than mine. Today it was different... they were still strong. But the pain alongside it was there... and... I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. But that kiai is definitely one of the more memorable kiais I have heard/felt.

All in all... I spent a lot of my time in church today. And then I went to jujitsu. So its like I spent a lot of my time overlapping church with jujitsu. Which is also an interesting concept. It got me thinking... If you're reading this... and it just so happens that you end up outliving me... tell my family I want a nod to jujitsu at my funeral. You don't have to bury me in my gi. You don't have to be all elaborate, or say anything about it on my tombstone. But kiai for me, so I can hear you all the way to where I am. Even if you have to fight for it. Fight tooth and nail to get that at my funeral. That'd be awesome.

And after you do... perhaps what will happen will be something like what happened today. There was a sort of release. Our ears were sort of ringing from the shout, and in that time of pausing, there was a giant sigh, but not from my physical body, from my spirit. And then... that was it. The energy charging the room was released, even though the service still went on.

So... that's post one. Today was a really intriguing day for me.

Oh... and jujitsu seems to be getting better. My old injuries are back to their old tricks again, so I feel more at home. No more losing control of my focus while working out. Nothing triggering that. S'all good. Except that when I roll I wince in pain. And I can't stand up after I take a fall. And it hurts me more than it hurts my Uke when I'm doing a choke. But... that's normal haha.

Ok. On to post #2.

sigh

The pain is back. I wonder if it will ever go away completely. I wonder how long I'll hold onto it. I wonder if I'll ever trust God enough to let Him heal me. I have trust issues. I've discovered that recently.

Its been affecting my stomach too. And Barb said something to Anissa about a point on the neck that releases emotions when you massage it. It makes me wonder how much emotion is actually tied into the physical aspect of the body.

It doesn't help that I no longer know the source of the pain anymore either. It seems like things have compounded (funny I used that word in describing my recent back pain to Barb and Rob) so that all sorts of past events all result in the same throbbing pain in my chest and knuckles.

Its weird. I'm one of the most trusting people I know. Sometimes that's a downfall. And yet, I can't trust God, I can't trust myself, and I can't trust the people I'm close to right now.

Guess I should sleep. I'm going to church in the morning. Anissa's playing the violin.

teary

What I said to a friend:

"He's extremely protective of you, whether he has a right to or not. and i don't know for sure if those are his reasons, but i can understand why he doesn't want to let you get too close to what's going on inside him."

And then God turned it around and said the same thing to me. "You're in the same situation as she is. You know what it feels like to be protected like that, even when you try as hard as you can NOT to protect your heart. There are other people watching out for you, and you need to let go, let them protect you, even if that means they have to pull away from you to do it. They really truly care for you and because of that, they are sacrificing something in order to make sure your heart stays safe. Do them a favor and help them protect you."

And... when I heard that... I allowed myself to feel the pain I've been locking away for a while. And... I'd forgotten how much it hurt. And how healing it is to allow myself to feel it.

And its inspired me somewhat to include it in a project I've been working on.

realization

I was just thinking back on my college experience. I discovered that before I started jujitsu, I didn't have anyone at Rutgers except Kevin whose shoulders I was able to cry on.

Cheers!

She's got something on her mind tonight
She's thinking maybe she'll speak up this time
But then they all have other things to say
And she watches as the paper crane flies away.

He's thinking maybe one day he'll tell the truth,
But he's afraid of what it will do
And walls it up inside for another day
Wondering why the paper crane has gone away.

So here's to the opportunities gone by,
Here's to the cranes who still can't fly.
Drink a toast to all those things unsaid,
Drink until the cranes are dead.

Edit: After I posted that, I found these on postsecret.com. I decided to save them to my computer, because they strike a chord somewhere deep inside me. There's something haunting about unspoken words... The thought ends up being a whisper and echo of what could have been.

gears turning...

So... there's been a lot of stuff happening lately pertaining to my future. Not my permanent future, like career-wise. But just... the near future. Like in the next year or so. Well, in reality, a lot of ideas, but not a whole lot of anything else.

There's one that's been on my mind. I can't even remember who came up with this idea, maybe it was me, but I don't know. But it was suggested that all of the people who are looking for a place to stay next year should get an apartment together. That would mean a lot of jujitsu people, plus a couple of others. And initially I thought, "Wow, that would be really awesome. They're all awesome people."

And now I'm thinking about it for real. And I'm thinking about my roommates now. And trying to project things into the future. And I'm thinking... when one of us forgets to put the garbage out, or leaves dishes in the sink... well, we all have our quirks. And most of us would know jujitsu. ("Put that dish away!" *Does Ashi Karami*) We would all kill each other I think. But y'know what? We would have SOOO much fun doing it!! And we would have no dishes left.

Maybe I'll stay with my parents and work at Frank's Italian Restaurant. I need a break from theater. I should try and do that summer stock theater internship that Karen wants me to be involved in. But I don't have the drive right now. My theater lover is low on fuel. Honestly, theater is awesome. But I could just as easily see myself cleaning and cooking for people. Any people. Not necessarily starting a family. But not behind the scenes hotel-type work either. Just something interacting with people, and helping them out. There's nothing I really want to do for the rest of my life. There are tons of things I want to do. But eventually I will want to move on.

What am I saying... eventually, I will come back to theater. I have left it so many times and still I find myself walking back behind that curtain again.

What about missionary work? I once believed I might one day care for orphans in a foreign country. Surprising... Me, the girl who doesn't like children. And look at me helping at the jujitsu kid's class, and loving it haha. And my first job was as a mother's helper. And I babysat for years. And still... I didn't like children.

I just want to be happy. Honestly I could be happy in a lot of places, doing a lot of things. But will they be the right things?

Ok... I haven't mentioned God a lot on this blog in the past few months. Its 'cause... well I'm not sure why. But... I know He put me here for a reason. I know He put me here to influence people's lives. But how, in what way, in what capacity... I haven't figured that out yet. I haven't been listening properly. Because... well... I don't know why. I guess I could use the word jaded... but that's not really a good excuse. In a sense... there is something scary about stepping into the shoes you're supposed to wear. Especially if you don't know what size they are, or how long you'll end up wearing them, or how big the footprints will be, who will see them, how far will you walk.

Has it been fear keeping me from hearing You all along?

today

Well... I've been to a bunch of cathedrals in Italy and Austria. They're nice. They're big and majestic. And sometimes they just want to attract tourists. And sometimes they don't care who comes, they just stand silently and watch over a city, and if you want you can go in and talk with God.

But I've never been to a Catholic service until today. St. Helena's was nice. Its still Christmas there. I like that. And... confession: I didn't really listen too much, because I was talking to God. There was a lot happening today. But that's what churches are for, getting closer to God. How can you get closer to God if you don't have a conversation?

Then I came back to my apartment. And I realized I took a beating yesterday in jujitsu. I was doing stuff I shouldn't know yet, because I'm still a lowly blue belt. So today I'm moving a little stiffly haha. But I had such a good time doing it. Maybe Barb was trying to entice us all to test for Gokyu. Which, might I add, is still a blue belt haha. Just a higher rank.

And now I'm trying to decide what non-credit classes to take. Besides jujitsu, I think maybe massage, but not Barb's massage, because I have class. I dunno. There are so many classes that pique my interest. Several different dance classes. But I don't have as much time as I think I have.

Anyway... I've got more to say but... for some reason I can never say it. I guess that's the purpose of this blog. When I finally get out what I want to get out, that's when I'll stop writing.

Good news!!

Ok so I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is for another post. The good news is: remember that prompt book that I spent two straight days perfecting at the end of last semester? I went to get it today.

"Meghan. Your work here is quite good and thorough and your growth from the initial prelims to the finals submelled? [her handwriting is horrible] here is ENORMOUS. You should be quite pleased. I am not sure you are quite ready to take the helm of a show- my instinct says you need some more depth of understanding BUT this is excellent work deserving of an A for the book and the course. I don't generally give As if I don't think you are ready to do a show but your hard work and the development from prelims to final makes you deserving and especially considering that you aren't a stage management major. Well done! Carol."

HEHE!! Even though it basically says "Since you aren't Mason Gross I didn't think you'd do it" I was still on cloud 9 when I got my book back haha. And the fact that when she handed it to me, she remembered it was good. And the fact that when I talked to Marshall Jones, my advisor, he said Carol was telling him how good my prompt book was. Yay me!!

Pat on back. The bad news is also about me but that'll be for another time, since I'm kinda in a rush right now. Its nothing major. Its barely even bad. Ok running out. Bye.

books and jujitsu

pseudo-title: "If I let you get your hands on my heart, I know there'd be changes you would want to make. It frightens me to let down my guard. 'Cause I know how easilly a heart can break."

So... I went book shopping today. I'm taking an Old Testament class (tomorrow morning) and the books are awesome. In addition to a certain version of the Bible, I also have a book on Prophecy, and Ancient Hebrew Culture and Near East something... I'm really excited about this class, which I didn't think I would be. Of course you'll hear me complaining two weeks from now. Oh well.

Then was jujitsu. I discovered that something happens when I am annoyed with people, or worried about someone. Even though the source of my emotion is outside (the other person), for some reason, I respond inwardly. I drop my energy, and put up a wall inside. I've seen this happen a couple of times, but tonight was the only time I could really kinda put my finger on it.

So, when we did some freestyle, I was horribly frustrated with myself, because my dropped energy slowed my mental powers down, and I either did the same things over and over again, or just stopped short just before, so that I WOULDN'T do the same things over and over again. Which frustrated me more... it was one of those snowballs rolling down the mountain that just gets bigger and heavier. I wanted to stop myself, take myself out of my body, beat myself for a little bit, put myself back in, and continue with the freestyle. I think it might have helped a bit. Wouldn't have hurt much inside since... well... since it already does anyway.

*Sigh* On the upside... I had one interesting experience. I had to kiai (spirit-yell) for one of the techniques... well, I guess it should have been all of them. But... I've never done a kiai quite in that way before... it sort of felt like something. Most of the time when I kiai, its because I need to do it to protect myself (it focuses your mind and lessens the impact of a fall/technique being done to your body). This time, it was something else. I'm not trying to be morbid, but it felt like there was a trapped animal inside me... one that's been wounded... White Fang. And when I kiai-ed, I let him out of his corner, and he wasn't sure what to do with his freedom, but used the energy of springing from the trap just to sort of explode out of me... anyway, I'm not sure if that's a good way to describe how I felt.

And from here... I'm not sure where to take my blog. There's some other stuff on my mind that I can't write about. I'm worried about someone. And there's nothing I can do about it. So, the end.

The Lion King

"Kings don't need advice from little porn-films for a start."

I SWEAR thats what I heard when I was in the Rutgers bookstore today.

More on that later... I have to talk about my classes... I'm excited and not. But I'm gonna be late if I keep typing, so I'll do this later.

Quote of the Day

"I think it needs to go in my blog that Molly likes playing with your vibrator."

Tabloid special- Secrets of Meghan.. unveiled!!!

Muahaha I have abducted Meghan's computer!!!

This is Anissa. I have crashed at Meghan's place for the past 2 weeks... for no purpose other than to be a nuisance. Oh, and chauffeur Meghan around to various places (the store, dinner parties, Farva...)
Ok... so- I want everyone to know something... a secret that Meghan wants to keep from all of you.

To quote Doug:
"the quiet girls are always the baddest."
"like... Meghan?"
"yep... like Meghan. You KNOW she likes kinky stuff"

Ok there you have it. Meghan's true nature... unveiled. If you don't believe me, give her a back massage, and hear the stuff gushing from her mouth... enough to make anyone blush!!

Meghan also is a key member of the "jujitsu robot"... is an excellent chef; an even better hostess; nice to cuddle up with ( ::snickers:: it's true...) ; and is horrible at shutting up, even when she has laryngitis and tons of people threatening to roll around on the floor because of her stubborn nature.

But most of all... Meghan is a great great friend, and a true sister in Christ. She manages to portray Jesus' love without shoving it down someone's throat- a feat that many Christians cannot do! Someone who anyone can go to, even at 5:30 AM... just to vent.
And all too often she puts on her "actress face", pretends that her life is all balloons and cheese balls, and she fools almost everyone!

Almost.... but this is a "let's bust Meghan's secrets" blog entry... so, if you sense that she's hiding something, talk to her!! Or just roll around on the ground. That could work, too.


And no, I'm not sure where I got the "balloons and cheese balls" idea...

Ok, that's it. This is Anissa ______, from Meghan's Japanese-themed room, signing off
Peace
(And Meghan, if you delete this, something very bad will happen in your sleep tonight... something that involves your face and a Sharpie)

~A~

update...

So here's the deal... I had the flu. I went home, and it compounded with allergies. I came back to New Brunswick but the allergies had already done their job, so now its really bad. This little head monster can't decided if it should stay up top and be a sinus infection or drop down and be bronchitis, so its wavering at my vocal chords, which means I sound like a baby seal when I talk. Luckily though, inanimate objects can be indecisive too, so I've taken the opportunity to to be agressive and Kata Hagai it while it sits there thinking. So now I have all sorts of herbal medicines all over. But tonight, I hit a point where I tried to talk and my vocal chords just stopped vibrating, so tomorrow if I don't answer you its not because I hate you, its because if I talk, Anissa will jump on me or start pulling her hair and rolling on the floor. I'm on vocal rest. Not cause I'm a singer but because I need to talk for the rest of my life. So yeah. Don't tempt me. Its easy to talk all raspy sexy like (ROFL) and doesn't hurt when I talk, it just sounds weird. So yeah. Don't.

hehe

I've just discovered no one is ever too old to watch Reading Rainbow. :-D

And then I discovered Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon playing guitar and singing country music on CMT. Wow. (That was a good wow, not a bad wow.)

today

Lance came up to me in church today. He mentioned something about coming to school and being my bodyguard. I found that kind of amusing. I guess he doesn't know I'm in jujitsu at a mostly male dojo, where most of them ARE my bodyguards. Oh well. I didn't say anything about it. He can have his delusions of me as a pretty dainty dancer artist girl.

On another note, I hate coming home. I was recovering nicely until I came home. Now my ears hurt, which is a bad sign. I'll have my mom look in my ears with the otoscope, she'll wonder why I'm so congested, and then she won't listen when I tell her we should eat the guinea pig so I don't have to react anymore. Whatever. Kinda makes me want to stay in New Brunswick until she gets the point.

Another thing, I'm going to send an email I probably shouldn't send. Don't know how that will go over. I'll keep you posted.

Last thing before I go write up a dream I had... over the course of September through December, with modern dance, jujitsu, and stress from theater, I ended up losing a little over 5 pounds, and even through the christmas feast and cookies, I didn't gain any of it back. Last week, I got sick, my body was working extra hard to kill a virus, and I ate pretty much nothing for two days, except some broth. Apparently what I have discovered is that living on a broth diet makes you gain weight. I am now the same weight I was in September. I'm confused. My body is being weird.

Ok thats a pretty much boring update. I'll leave you now. Bye.

hell

i am having a nightmare. its called insomnia.

disclaimer: complaining and b*&^%ing ahead. stop reading if you don't want to hear it.

the scary part of it is that there are four other people in the house who are fast asleep, and i am lying here wondering why in the past seven months, i have never seen the neighbors' kitchen dark at night. are they nocturnal? are they blind and don't know its on? are they rich and looking for ways to spend money? how big is their monthly electric bill?

the other scary part is i'm so tired that my head is buzzing. its wierd, i don't know how to describe it. its not audible enough to be a sound, but its not tangible enough to be a vibration. its somewhere on the scale between the two. its kind of a dizzying feeling. i've never been high or drunk but its sorta how i would imagine it might feel. and no, despite being sick, i haven't taken any medicine either to keep me up or cause the buzzing. i have some allergy medication designed to make you drowsy, but i hate taking medicine for reasons other than its marketed use. especially when it comes to allergy problems. i don't want to take any chances that i will become immune to a medication. especially with allergy medicine. i once took benadryl so much that it stopped helping my allergies. that year was horrible, i thought i was going to die. luckily after months of not taking benadryl i was able to try it again and find that my body responds to it again. so yeah. bottom line, i can't take my allergy medicine when i'm not having allergy problems just because i can't sleep. its not like i'm allergic to sleep.

anyway, it sounds like i might be developing an ear infection. hopefully it will go away before becoming complete because i have been recovering fairly quickly. and some knots in my neck. those are interesting. even with massage they won't go away. and the reason is probably that i've been sleeping sitting up because when i'm sick i can't lie down flat.

so now that i've officially complained, i'll come up with a lame excuse like maybe its pms and then i'll go find something else to do. thanks for listening past the disclaimer. *apologies*

New Year's resolution

Heal. Grow. Live. Reach. Fly. Soar. Love it all.

NEW YEARS!!

So, a lot of the time, I'm really happy that I can end a year and start fresh. Like 2003... that was a rough year. I was glad it was over. This week since Christmas I've been doing some reflecting, you know, knowing new year's is coming. I decided that I'm a little sad that 2005 is ending. On the whole, its been a really good year. I hated my school life a little bit for a while. And it started kinda rough. But on the whole... 2005 was very good. Don't get me wrong, I AM glad I get to start fresh... but still.

Normally, I go to a New Year's Eve service at my church, where basically we're supposed to repent of stuff in the last year and be able to start the New Year fresh spiritually as well as physically. Then everyone goes home except the young people and we stay and play games all night and usher in the new year by playing mafia and manhunt. But, the youth group didn't do that this year, so I went to New Brunswick... I didn't go to church (heathen!) but I'm ok with that... I can wipe my slate clean with God in church or out of it... I don't need a worship leader with a guitar to help me.

So in New Brunswick, Anissa, Brittany, James, and Steve came over. Andrew stopped by for a little bit too. We ate, and ate, and gave each other massages, and ate, and then watched Penn & Teller, then the ball dropped and we drank sparkling cider, and then on tv the news anchors kissed and that was when I remembered the blog entry I wrote about mistletoe. Is that a thing you're supposed to do too? Kiss into the New Year? I can't remember. I think it is. Anyway... not important. Back to Penn & Teller. We watched until like 4 am and then we put in mystery science theater. Brit went to sleep but for 4ish hours it was the four of us squished onto the couch. It was such a nice cozy way to bring in the New Year, probably one of the best I've had. Good friends sitting together in comfort, good food (Anissa made cinnamon rolls), and then at 7 we went to the Omega diner and the sun was so beautiful.

I think the sun on New Year's is always beautiful. By law. Some unspoken law of nature dictates that the clouds have to be just right and the humidity has to reflect the light in a certain way. Its like having a white Christmas, only its a little more dependable.

So I slept for a little bit but Mel and Sam came in from NYC and woke me up, so it was the second "night" in a row I got 4 hours of sleep. I think I'll go back to bed.

predestination

I'm reading a really good book about a guy who falls into another world or a parallel universe or something, and he has all sorts of adventures there. Its cool because the author can use the other world to explain things about it, and then because that world faces similar philosophical problems as this world, we can apply it to this world if we so choose. I liked this conversation the main character has with another character in the book, because it really made me think:

"Did I decide to do this, or was it preordained for me? If I was chosen before the beginning of the world, as you said..." The question trailed off. "Well, you know."

Ish smiled. "The Father, and I, and the Comforter alone exist outside of time, outside of the limitations of the framework we created for you to live in. We see the entire parade at once, as it were, from eternity to eternity, while you and those of the angelic and demonic realms are bound to a single, narrow vantage point. You must watch the parade as it passes. For us, there is no past or future. There is only 'now.'

"All choose the path they will take. Man chooses. The Dark chooses. The angels choose. All are responsible for the choices they make. Yet at the same time, the Father is utterly sovreign. All things were decreed by Him, in His good pleasure, before the beginning. Despite appearances to the contrary, free will in the creature and unlimited authority in the creator are not mutually exclusive. But your current frame of reference will not allow you to comprehend this.

"One day, you will better understand. But not now, not until you have been freed from your limitations. You see through a glass darkly. That which is possible for an infinitely dimensional God cannot be fully understood by one who is bound and limited by a four-dimensional existance."

"Four?"

"Time. Bound as such, you cannot grasp the necessary points of reference. It would be far simpler for a two-dimensional listener- constrained by two-dimensional concepts and hearing only two-dimensional terms- to grasp the concept of a sphere. What I can tell you is that all things and all events, even those of evil, are used by Us for good and for the carrying out of the Father's will.

"That is where trust comes in. And trust... simple trust... is faith."

email

Someone sent me this email. I'm wondering what everyone else thinks of it:

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen. It's an explanation other people will understand.

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and un-kept.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did,there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."

"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."


I KNOW God exists. But I've never been articulate about giving other people evidence for His existence. And seeing as how right now, I feel like my bones are going to explode because I have some sort of wierd flu thing, I can understand and relate to pain and suffering coexisting with God. But I always just figured that... God rules Heaven, where there's no pain and suffering. Satan rules Hell, where there is all pain and suffering. And Earth is just where the two overlap. So here, there are intensely beautiful things, and there is also pain and ugly things. I guess that goes along with something someone told me once. That for some people, Earth is as close as they'll ever get to being in Hell. And for other people, Earth is as close as they'll ever get to being in Heaven.

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this. And the joints in my fingers are hurting so I'm gonna stop typing.

lovely...

Dave tried to kill my brother.

Ok well the real story is this. The youth group usually has an all-night shindig at the church on New Year's Eve. But, they decided that this year, they would forego that in favor of driving out to PA to go to an indoor waterpark (leave Monday, come back Tuesday). So they did. And they made it back to West Milford without a problem. Adam, the youth pastor, had just finished patting himself on the back that nothing went wrong. And then he turns around to see blood all over my brother's hands and head.

Apparently, Dave has bad taste in music, and tries to share the wealth with others. My brother made a comment because the same racket had been playing for the past half hour. Dave flicks my brother in the ear. Big deal. My brother tosses the discarded wristband from the water park, and it hit Dave in the face. For some reason, that justified hitting my brother in the back of the head with a shot glass, opening up a gash in his head that got blood all over both his hands, a Snapple bottle and Stephanie.

Dan: the first thing i thought was daves life is gonna end in 30 seconds, and the second thing i thought was drop anything that might be a weapon so i dont go to jail and the third thing was my head is bleeding, maybe i should go inside

So anyway, it got me thinking about that sermon that keeps popping up a lot lately in my life: the one on meekness. Adam gave a sermon once where he defined meekness. People think that meekness means being weak... I guess just because of the similarity in the way it sounds. Merriam Webster says meekness is "enduring injury with patience and without resentment." In Adam's sermon, he took it a step farther to say that meekness is power under control. You could totally beat someone up for something, but you choose not to. Or even just, you have the power to resent someone, but choose not to. Anyway, that ties into the stuff with Barb about sutemi. Being meek means you have to sacrifice something. You have to let go of something inside you in order for meekness to happen, like in sutemi.

The fact that these things keep popping up over the past few weeks says something to me. It says that maybe I have things I need to let go of. Maybe there's something inside of me, that I'm holding onto with all the strength I can muster, because letting go means falling through the air into nothing, like in a stime. Maybe there's something inside me that doesn't know that falling in a stime is really flying in disguise.

Anyway... coming from a big sister, I don't care about meekness. If Dave tries a stunt like that while I'm around I want him to regret it.

Christmas

OMG I think I gained 500 lbs!

And unfortunately, my extended family has never heard of vegetables. We had smoked duck, honey-glazed duck, smoked ham, scalloped potatoes, and some sort of radioactive pepto bismol gelatin mould. No veggies. I think a waldorf salad would have been good. But someone must have had a temporary mental glitch. No surprise, it being Christmas and all.

And it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Apparently two of the cats died since I was there last, so I didn't have a horrible allergic reaction, despite the fact that their two male cats are huge and don't clean themselves so they have a lot of dander. Raven is 25 pounds of black huggable blubber (although he is quite muscular too). And Charlie (who has a Charlie Chaplin moustache) is probably about 20 pounds. It was very cool not to see them through itchy watery eyes.

My grandfather was generally the same, minus his girlfriend who lives in Albany.

My uncle from Vietnam didn't get too drunk and we had an intelligent conversation about how he got a cat as a wedding gift and he was allergic to it and eventually he gave it away and it walked in front of a truck. Anyway it was cool to have a conversation with him. And my aunt was (to use Barb's term) a little bit softer than usual. See, my Aunt Janette has always had a sort of "hard mind" and my Aunt Diane a "soft mind." (They are sisters, really close in age, and for the longest time I couldn't tell them apart.) Ever since their mother died, the gap in "hard mind/ soft mind" got bigger. But tonight, Janette was a little softer. Coulda been the whiskey sours. Aunt Marilyn, Uncle Ed, Uncle Pete were the same. Fun, smiling, generally happy people. Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Ted weren't there, neither were Aunt Janet and Uncle Bob, or the uncle in California I've met once and whose name I forgot.

And my cousins. Well. Ok well they were the same as always. Pete was not there, he's driving to Alberta Canada via the Grand Canyon to find himself and eventually learn massage therapy in Canada. Taryn showed up and pretended to be interested before going off with her fiancee who has three kids from another marriage. Which she always does. And Christina and Allison also pretended to be interested. Example:

Allison: Hey Dan, what year are you now?
My Brother: Senior
A: Wow what are you doing next year?
D: I don't know, I'm thinking about Stevens or Lehigh, they're both engineering schools.
A: Wow well you should definitely go visit all three of those.
Dan to me: I love how our cousins ask a question and then don't listen to the answer.

Rob and Chris and Kim wouldn't do that... they are actually related to us by blood and kind of care about their relations. But Rob's got a family in Maryland and Chris has a closet apartment in DC and can't leave. And Kimmy's in England or Georgia or somewhere far away. So they weren't there tonight. And that's about it on the Christmas update. Notice how I talked about food first, then cats, then family. I love priorities.

Speaking of which... I'll throw you all for a loop and put gifts in here. You can all wonder whether I saved the best for last or just am really non-materialistic. I got three Lord of the Rings calendars hahaha. I wonder if that says anything about me. And I got a card to Build-a-Bear workshop. Hehehe. I looked online. They have martial arts clothing for the bears. That makes me happy. And Anissa's bread and coasters from Steve. Anyway... I got some other little nick-knacks but not much because I got my down-comforter Christmas gift a month early.

Overall... It was generally a better Christmas than most. That and people kept calling me while I was at my Aunt's house, which was a nice and pleasant interruption. I'm loved and I know it and that makes me happier than a 25 pound cat in a house full of duck and ham.

link

Ok so Merry Christmas everyone! I went to the Christmas Eve service, and Jordan and Rick sang/played Little Drummer Boy, and they did a better job than Jars of Clay, which is a huge compliment because Jars of Clay is one of my favorite bands, and I love their version of Little Drummer Boy. I'm so proud of my big brothers, I had this huge stupid grin on my face while they were singing, haha.

Anyway, some stuff happened too. I'll brush it off. Those that need to know will know. And I came back, wrapped gifts, and now I have a headache/shoulder ache, so I should sleep and hope the sleep makes my muscles relax.

But before I do, I have to post this. I was looking for a different link but came across this one. My brother and I laughed sooo hard.

Merry Christmas everyone! (Sorry, no PC-ness from me tonight. Even if you don't celebrate Christmas, that's what day it is, and I hope yours is merry. Feel free to wish me a merry day on any other day of the year of your choosing.)

general update...

So, the general consensus from the two people who responded to my last entry (yes generalizations can be gathered from two people) is that I was too hard on myself about the jujitsu stuff. And umm... I guess so. It didn't feel too hard, because I've been harder on myself before.

Anyway, I'm home today. I'm glad to be home. I'm glad to be with the people I love. But... I feel different now. I love coming home so I can talk to my brother. I love coming home so my family can joke around together. But... I've said this before. I may be or have already outgrown my friends here. Not that I don't love them, or that I don't like seeing them again. But I went to hang out with some of them today... and I felt like... I don't feel that sense of belonging. I've changed, and when I'm with them, I go back to being the old me. Does it make sense to say that I don't like who I am when I'm with them, and still say it without saying anything bad about them?

I might feel differently later on. But, I'm kind of in a strange mood tonight. There was a string of stuff that happened that brought back old memories. I don't know if that's good or bad. The memories here, from tonight especially, are different from my memories of New Brunswick. In NB, there are memories I have that I treasure, and wish I could experience all over again, just for the sake of the experience (even the bad ones, I'd do it all over again). The memories I had tonight left me feeling like I've made a huge mistake in my life. Maybe the difference is that my memories of NB are still capable of happening again, while the things I thought about tonight are over with a finality that can't be undone. Honestly though... I like the person RU and NB have shaped me into. I feel so much more comfortable just being myself. When I'm here, I have to be who I used to be. Which makes me feel uncomfortable. Its also annoying not being able to express my true feelings about my memories 'cause of the people that read this.

Couple that with Jujitsu on Thursday... and explore the muscle knots in my body. I decided I should have asked for a massage for Christmas. Back, neck, lower back, hands, feet... that would be heavenly.

Anyway... I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go post a private xanga entry so I can vent without making people annoyed at me. Gnight

Yet another entry...

ahhh...

I've had a long day. Ackkkk.... I'm such a good actress... But I can't hide it from Molly. And she can't help me cause she isn't big enough. She can only sit in my lap.

I did something stupid today. I allowed myself to think while I was baking cookies for two hours. Two whole hours by myself to think. That's... more than I've had at once all semester. And I reacted to it. My spirit went haywire. So when I got to jujitsu, which we were doing in a large room, my spirit scattered to all the corners of the room and left me with no center. I was not balanced, not able to keep myself from hurting myself (not just physically), and unable to gather it all back in. I think... possibly, it wouldn't have been so bad if we had done jujitsu in the smaller rooms in the basement. The walls are farther in, there's less distance to travel, and easier for me to pull myself together. But we were in the big room. I couldn't pull myself together. I wasted Andrew's time teaching me and Jess's time working with me.

Last week, several people asked me when I was going to test for gokyu (the next rank). I jokingly said, when my body stops falling apart. But now I think I know the reason why I'm not ready to test yet. I haven't learned how to keep my emotions from affecting my technique. There's a certain way to do each technique, and I can't seem to get my body to do it the same way each time. I have to be in a certain emotional groove in order for my body memory to kick in. Yes, I know each technique. Yes, I have done each technique at one time or another that would probably be passable in a test. But to do it reliably, and to do it reliably no matter what state of mind I'm in, I can't do that. And even if people think I'm ready to test, I'm not sure I want to move on to more complicated moves if I can't reach with my spirit to the corners of a room and gather myself back into my center. And in a sense, that makes my original statement true. The reason my body keeps "falling apart" as I put it, is because I either can't or haven't been holding onto all of me at once. Because of this, I get death by a thousand bee stings when I go to jujitsu. No guillotine injuries except for that one in May, but a hundred little things happening at once, which is why I sometimes feel like I'm falling apart.

This whole thing about my spirit seems a little weird, and I don't know how to describe it other than the way that I have. But... does anyone else ever feel like that? Does anyone besides me know what I'm talking about?

Oh... yeah... about that part in the beginning. Well... I'm a little better now. Emma's got someone to cuddle with tonight, and Mel has someone to cuddle with tonight. Sarah's not here, and I have Molly. And she's small, yes. But she has a big heart. And it will have to suffice. My other option is Micheal, my blind teddy bear. But he can't see my face, and Molly can. She understands it.

Goodnight.

breakfast

I cut myself a slice of Anissa's bread for breakfast... Being lazy, I used the same really big bread knife to cut myself a slice of butter. On the way down, the knife accidentally cut off the bottom 2 inches of my banana. So, I had the unique experience of eating my banana upside down today. And then right side up. It made me happy.

sigh...

I'm posting so many new entries lately. I'm kinda struggling. I want to pour stuff out here. But there's something holding me back and I can't... I don't know how to say what I want to say. So I log in to blogger, and then I distract myself with other things so that I don't have to say what's inside.

"Take me to that place where we're children again, and we crawl on the lap of the Peace Child. Take me the land where love is discovered with the Prince undercover as the Peace Child. And the poor can now see how a king can believe in a kindgom that cradles the broken. O come O come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel from lonely exile here until the Son of God appears. We look to be upright as we grasp for a chance but we're too dirty to dance with the Peace Child. But the sense... and its ... like the blood of the babe of the Peace Child. And the dead can now sing at the throne of the King 'cause heaven is full of us peasants."

That's a little bit somber though. I need a cheer up.

Twas the night before Christmas, and up at the North Pole, everybody's going crazy; everything's out of control. The toy shop is on fire, the toys melting on the shelves, and you can hear Mrs. Claus scream, "One can never trust those elves!"

Chorus: Unless something drastic happens fast, say hello to the ghost of Christmas past because, mistletoe and boughs of holly! Old Saint Nick ain’t all that jolly. And the sleigh’s in the shop ‘cause it’s broken down, but Christmas won’t stop ‘Cause Santa Claus is thumbing to town (uh-oh!) Santa Claus is thumbing to town (uh-oh!) Santa Claus is thumbing to town (uh-oh!) Santa Claus is thumbing to town (uh-oh!) Very much to his disliking, Santa spends all night hitch-hiking. With a sign that reads, "Ho ho slow down," Santa Claus is thumbing to town.

Every car just drove right past him and sped right out of sight. Santa never got to ask them to drive around the world in just one night. So Kris Kringle started walkin’ through the snow without his sleigh, shed a tear for every stocking that would be empty Christmas day.

Chorus...

Ok, I feel better. I was nicely distracted.

OMG

The NJ Department of Transportation's (NJDOT) construction activities for phase two of the New Brunswick-area Route 18 reconstruction project are scheduled to begin the week of January 23. As a result, the Rutgers community will experience an impact on daily travel through the area.

This phase includes the closing of the New Street ramp and the Commercial Avenue jug handle off Route 18 northbound for at least 10 months. When this work begins, you should anticipate delays resulting from traffic pattern changes and possible lane closures. You should plan extra traveling time.

WHAT? You may as well close the school. And while you're at it, why not Johnson & Johnson too? Or better yet, broadcast the classes on the radio so that while we're sitting, parked, on the highway, 40 minutes late for class, we still have a fighting chance? Oh wait... I don't have to worry about this. I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE SEMESTER... EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I applied for my diploma yesterday. Good luck to all of you who aren't leaving.

quick observation

From 10-ish, Monday morning, until midnight on Thursday, I will probably have been more productive in those four days than I was all semester. Why is it that deadlines like Christmas and finals are such good motivators?

yummy

Brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things...

My breakfast this morning was delicious!!

jujitsu thoughts....

First things first:

Dear Meghan,

I am writing to inform you that the Rutgers College Scholarship Committee has chosen you to receive a Rutgers College Academic Excellence Award in the amount of $750.00 for the 2005-2006 academic year. We are pleased to award you this Academic Excellence Award in recognition of your distinguished academic record and your service to the Rutgers College community. Congratulations.

!!!!!! eeee! Wow. I didn't think I'd get it. Awesome.

Ok, the other thing i was going to write about was jujitsu. Barb opened by saying that one of the black belts (a former student, one I'd never met) passed away. But the way she described it was really interesting. It kind of hit me in the stomach. In jujitsu, we have something called sutemi. It involves letting go of everything that makes sense so that you can accomplish what you want to accomplish. For example, X is attacking Y. Y allows X to throw him because being thrown that way puts Y in a better position to come out on top. Its making a small sacrifice for a greater goal. Anyway, Barb described the death of this black belt as the ultimate sutemi, because she didn't just slip into a coma and hang on to her life with just the kidney functioning and nothing else, like a lot of people do. She wasn't afraid to just let go. Not that she chose when to die, but when the time came, she didn't fight it.

And that really just sort of hit me. Because I knew that you could apply jujitsu to other areas of life, but when I heard that, it was sort of like, "Is my life a sutemi?" What am I doing in my life that might apply to jujitsu? Is there anything I'm holding onto, that maybe I shouldn't be? And then, right after that, I had to lead the warm ups, and I've always been kind of nervous about doing the stimes (aerial flips, landing in a sidefall position), but today I just sort of let go and went with it, and even though I still landed crooked like always, I think there was less emotional struggle in doing it. And it was really cool to just kind of... let go. Its like flying. I've always thought the stimes and throws were like flying, but today when I did the stime, it was more mentally flying. It was still scary, but it was a stretch, to just say, "scary isn't bad."

The other thing I thought was interesting in jujitsu was Barb doing more of the psychological aspect of jujitsu. It was stuff they said she taught in black belt class. About how, "yes the technique is important, but if you think about doing it and set your mind to it, you can do the technique by barely moving at all." She said there's a difference between hard thought and soft thought If you try to have a "hard mind" when you do a technique, your attacker wants to fight it. If you have a "soft mind," uke doesn't know what's coming. It took a couple of tries, but really, there is such a tiny difference between hard and soft thought. No big movements or anything, just think about a smile, which will soften everything, and then suddenly, your attacker is on the ground and you're on his carotid. Its surprising.

I'm thinking that when I get back to work on my prompt book that's due tomorrow, I will have a soft thought, and maybe that way I'll get so lost in thinking about smiles that all of a sudden I will find myself choking it out. That would please me greatly. Or burning it. With lightning bolts out of my eyes. I wonder if Barb can teach that.

hmm

So... today is the 17th. I came home yesterday to discover that my family does not yet have a Christmas tree or any Christmas decorations. We picked a tree up yesterday, but we never kill the tree, so we buy them with the roots on and in the spring we plant them in the yard. Which means we need to give it special treatment. Which is, a day in our yard to acclimate it to the air around our house. Then generally a week on our porch, to wean it into the house, where it will think its spring. Then after Christmas we have to wean it back outside so it won't go into shock and die. Do the math... if we keep the tree on the porch for a week, we'll be decorating it on Christmas Eve.

So I'm kind of starved for Christmas cheer. When I chose to do the White Witch of Narnia for my makeup class, I didn't actually intend for it to be always winter and never Christmas. And in New Brunswick, we don't have a tree or decorations because Christmas there is actually "ChristmaChanuKwanzakkah" and last time I was home I forgot my Christmas music. So I have been feeling like I'm gonna shrivel up and die soon. 'Cause I thrive on Christmas music all through October, Novermber, and December, and so its REALLY late in the year for me to start listening to Christmas music.

So yeah... I got the decorations out and put some of them up. Instead of doing my final project. And then I cooked an appetizer for the party tonight since Mom wasn't home and no one else would do it. I'm sure my dad would have if I asked, but when he does things in the kitchen he always looks like a fish on dry land. He's never quite sure what to do with himself. And of course my brother wouldn't. "If you make me do it, you'll get bread in a pan." I wanted the appetizer to be somewhat edible tonight, so I did it.

I'm kinda annoyed right now with my brother, but of course he's only a senior in high school. He can't be expected to know how to put anything in a pan and bake it at 350 for 8 minutes. He can't be expected to know how to chop carrots and broccoli in a blender. He can't be expected to know how to STIR a dip mix. That's FARRRR too complicated for his high school brain. And he won't help decorate the house because that's my job every year, and because he doesn't want Christmas decorations up. (Translation: I want to sit in my room on my computer gloating because its the only one in the house that works, and I want to play computer games all day.)

Anyway. I've now counteracted the White Witch syndrome hanging over the house. Now to do something about Scrooge in his bedroom. *roll up newspaper* *smack*

titanic

I was just thinking about the movie Titanic. I have issues with Leonardo DiCaprio... but the movie itself is pretty good. I was thinking about how, even though it took place in 1912 (I think), people today can still relate. Young people are still embarking on hot summer romances (sometimes forbidden) that can be life-changing. It doesn't even have to be in the summer. Anyway it wasn't for Jack and Rose. It was April. But the end of the movie is still a puzzle to me. Maybe, 60 years from now, I can revisit that movie and examine the ending. I realize people on their deathbeds re-live some of their cherished moments. But, Rose had a family, children, life experiences. Of all the things she could have gone back to, her hot summer romance was the most cherished and life changing for her. I wonder... What will be my most cherished memory? What will I think about on my deathbed?

Sorry for being morbid, guys. It didn't come out right at all. The thoughts I was having were beautiful, but for some reason it just didn't come through my fingers as I typed.

dhaval

Dhaval sent me an email thing. If he sent it to you, don't read this until you try it. Actually, here. I'll post it.

Follow these instructions. Get a piece of paper and a pen. Answer everything with the FIRST thing that pops into your mind. Do these in order without looking ahead. When you choose names, make sure its people you actually know.

1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.










2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want.









3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex.










*NO LOOKING AHEAD...OR IT WON"T TURN OUT RIGHT! *










4. Write anyone's name (like friends or family....) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spots.










5. Write down four song titles in 8,9,10, and 11.
*GO WITH YOUR INSTINCT PEOPLE!!!! *










AND NOW...

1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game.
2. The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
3. The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out.
4. You care most about the person you put in 4.
5. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.
6. The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.
7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.
8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
9. The tenth space is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
10. and 11 is the song telling you how you feel about life

It was about 70% right for me, 40% right for Anissa. So, it won't always work. But I think its interesting. Probably invented by a psychology major or something.

Anyway, here are some interesting things I discovered:
The person I love: Sam. He just so happened to be the last person whose away message I read before doing this. Not that I don't love him. But I don't lovelove him.

The song that describes him: All I want for Christmas. ROFL... that's about on par with Anissa's answer: she picked Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

The person I care most about: My brother
The person who knows me very well: Mom
The song that tells me the most about my mind: Dream Big
The song that tells me how I feel about life: ANOTHER IRISH DRINKING SONG!!

Wooo Hoooo!

"We’ll drink and drink and drink and drink, and then we’ll drink some more We’ll dance and sing and fight until the early morning light Then we’ll throw up, pass out, wake up, and then go drinking once again"

ok

So my away message said:

"Oh, ho, the mistletoe
hung where you can see;
Somebody waits for you;
Kiss him once for me.

more on this in my blog tomorrow. but that's not a promise. that's conditional."

Soo... I told you all I'd write about it, so I will. I'm not exactly sure what to write now.

Anyway... I was thinking about that song last week. 'Cause... I sorta miss physical contact. I mean yeah, I can be close to all sorts of people (savory and unsavory) while doing weird things like Juji Gatame on each other. But...

I've seen mistletoe hung in a doorway once in my 21 years. I guess that means the chances are 1/20 that I will see mistletoe hung in a doorway this year (my 21st christmas). And I guess if I add to that the chances that a guy would stand still in a doorway instead of sitting down somewhere comfortable, and the chances that it would be the same doorway that has the mistletoe, and the chances that I would be in proximity to the doorway at the same time...

I guess it means that song is pretty special if you really think about it. The odds are very much against it happening without intelligent thought coming in to change the odds. Keep in mind that not all guys posess intelligent thought either. OOHhh... that was wrong. Certainly no one I know is unintelligent. Umm yeah. Exactly.

Ok enough of that. I'm not really getting anywhere productive with this blog so... ok. Bye.

director's scenes

First, I just have to say... the itch started 4 weeks ago today. And I'm still scratching. And still... I will still swear by Zheng Gu Shui. When I'm in pain, I will still use it.

Anyway... director's scenes were tonight. I met with my actors, we rehearsed in the hall, they were flawless. I was so happy. Then they went on stage. Here's a little clip from the script:

Andrew: Man, I'm freezing.
Leah: Button your coat.
A: See? Without you, I'm helpless.
L: Helpless as a shark.
A: That's not very nice.

Here's what happened on stage:

A: Man, I'm freezing.
L: Sure wish I had my gloves.
(Pause)
A: Let's go somewhere warm and talk it over.

I'm backstage going:

M: Gloves? That's not in the script. What's happening?

I run out into the hallway to grab my script. I get back just in time to watch them completely cut out a page, and then jump all over what's left of the script. The playwright totally would have had an aneurism if he'd been there. But they finished the scene. It made sense. The audience applauded, and people told me they liked it. Aside from the mild heart attack, I'm happy. And I'm proud of them. And they came off the stage apologizing profusely and by that time I just stopped them and said, "No." They were fine. Improvisational. But fine. And now, we've all got a good laugh for our grandkids.

None of my friends came to see it (outside of the friends in my class) but I'm okay with that. They didn't have to see me tightly wound up like I was, they didn't have to see my almost heart attack, and they didn't have to see the play that... that... what about the play? Emmm... Well, I don't know. The play had some personal things in it. Half of me is glad that an anonymous audience got to see it. If my friends had been there, I think they would have read too much into it. Anyway, now I have a paper to finish up and then- ONLY ONE MORE PROJECT LEFT!! YIIHEEE!!!

Well... that and Christmas gifts. I made Steve a Christmas gift. But I don't like how it turned out. I'm gonna scrap it and come up with something better. So that means I have 6 more personal gifts to get. And then something general for the jujitsu club, I don't know, cookies or something. Oh and my dad. Does anyone have gift ideas for dads? Anyway, I'm off to go be productive. Bye.

PS

My new favorite candybar is Hershey's Take 5. I've never heard of it before yesterday, but its amazing. Peanuts, Peanutbutter, Caramel, Pretzels, Chocolate. Perfect for the girl who can't make up her mind.

ramble....

So... yesterday I missed the strike for the Jameson show and had a minor heart attack when I realized that. Just... totally forgot about it. So if anyone noticed, my grade goes down a letter. But I don't care anymore. And anyway, no one noticed. I could have been stuck in a snowbank freezing to death and no one thought to call.

So the evaluations for that class were today. And I RIPPED that class apart. I gave credit where it was due... I had some really good people that I worked with on the first show. But the second show... I spoke my mind. And I ended it with the names of 3 BFA students that have the distinction of being the only 3 non-snotty BFA's that I have had the privelege to work with. I said, "Attitude is everything. In my activities outside my theater major (I was thinking of jujitsu), if one does not have a proper and mature attitude, they will fail to advance, and I feel that a theater program should better prepare students for life outside the theater." But what I wanted to say was... "NORMAL, WELL-BALANCED PEOPLE DON'T ACT LIKE THESE BFAS!!" However, I did say elsewhere that my stage managers were diva princesses. And other things. I still ripped into it, even though that part was somewhat sugar-coated.

And I was back at jujitsu today, for the first time since forever. Sam and Dhaval were promoted last week, so they got to throw me. Dhaval had a huge grin on his face. Its awesome, I'm so proud of them. And Andrew. He owes me a throw now. My workout was really good. I thought, anyway. I feel like September and October, my skills kind of went downhill, and the more I practiced the worse I got. But then I came less, and had more on my plate such as 3 different shows, and my technique started getting better, when I even went to jujitsu. I almost feel like, the more baggage I have to leave at the door when I get on the mat, the better the workout will be because I will be more focused on not letting that crap come in with me. One of the best workouts I've had was on a day where I spent several hours crying. Just that exhausted me, then I went and worked out the knots in my heart on the mat, and I was so focused that my technique had no choice but to be better. I guess I'm like that a lot. When I'm upset, or stressed, or whatever emotionally, I have to do something physical. Run 2 miles. Or build a rock wall. Or climb a rock wall. Or throw people around and put them in dangerous positions of joint manipulation while choking their carotid arteries. I'm not saying I'm exactly upset right now. But I do have a lot of baggage to leave at the door... and as strange as this sounds, the less "right" my life is sometimes leads to the most "right" my technique is. Its interesting.

On another note. Congratulations to Emily, Elijah, and Ashni who won't read this blog at all but they're kids from the jujitsu kids club who tested tonight for their junior rank of orange belt. And to Other Kid Who I Never Met who tested for another stripe. Anyway... kid's class is a lot of fun, its awesome and I love it.

Final note: I'm tired. G'night.

EDIT: "Oberonious: OTHER KID's name is Martin."
Thanks Steve!

second-to-last-day-of-class thoughts

Dear Paulette:

I wanted to thank you for your class. I will be brutally honest... I hated it. But the reason I hated it was because it was the class I needed the most this semester, and it was the one that forced me to grow and step outside of my comfort zone.

I had a rough semester. I had been looking forward to it because I had all theater classes, plus this modern dance class. I had thought it would be a really fun semester. What actually happened though was that theater classes take up more time than a normal class, and they began to compete with each other for my time, and for most of the semester, I was getting below-appropriate amounts of sleep. Which is why I always came to class either late or looking like I was drugged on something. I didn't understand why we had to pretend we were starfish, or stretching dogs, or any of the other strange analogies you used. I thought, "this is a dance class, why can't we just dance?" As the semester continued, three different plays (two of them required, one of them a REALLY good idea for a resume) began to take up my time, to the point where I was backstage so often that I had no time to buy the vegetables and proteins I knew my body needed. My muscles and joints rebelled, as they really had a right to do, which made me groan a lot in the dance classes (as well as in jujitsu). One day, I even came to class with my eyes red and puffy because I'd spent the hour before crying. Luckily, we watched a video that day, otherwise I'm not sure I would have made it through the class.

But despite the groaning, I did a lot of growing too. I discovered that if you don't give 100% of yourself to anything you do, it isn't worth it. I found that if I focused my mind completely on the dance class, I stopped hurting, I stopped feeling dizzy, I stopped feeling lethargic. I began to apply that to other areas of my life. They've always said similar things in jujitsu, but I had stopped trying to follow that, so my techniques really went downhill. The day I focused 100% of my energy on jujitsu was one of the best workouts I had all semester. Despite not liking the shows I was required to work on, I thought about the endurance and perseverance I learned from your class and the shows stopped feeling like such a nuisance and waste of time.

Originally, I had no intentions of taking another modern dance class, but now that the class is over, I feel like I have been sufficiently prepared, that even if modern 2 is difficult, I now know how to persevere and overcome, should I manage to fit it into my schedule. I am grateful that the class is over, because I hope it means I've taken from it as much as I could absorb and am now ready to continue looking up and moving on.

Finally, I wanted to thank you for the patience it must have taken to work with a lethargic student who sometimes didn't care about starfish and mollusks and dogs.

Sincerely,
~~~~~~

Ok there it is... should I send it?

On another note... I've been comparing modern dance with jujitsu a lot lately. To top things off, Paulette had us grappling today. Or at least a modern dance version of grappling. How interesting.

Anyhow... any comments?

how am i today?

arwenundomiel9: in my sleep deprived state, at 8:50 this morning i got out of bed, turned off my alarm, got back in bed, pulled the covers over me, and fell asleep. i have nooo recollection of it whatsoever
arwenundomiel9: i've been going on average 5 hours of sleep for the past 3 or 4 weeks... so it doesn't surprise me. but i missed my class and freaked out when i woke up... but then discovered the teacher had cancelled class lol
CyViR: oh wow!
CyViR: haha you guys are all so lucky. you, my friend andrew in CA, and Anissa, seem to keep on missing canceled clases
CyViR: though anissa tends to miss more than her fair share though:P

And I just ate shredded coconut, almonds, rice crispies, a banana, and lots of chocolate for breakfast. Not on purpose. Just 'cause they were there. But then I discovered this:

http://www.wholehealthmd.com/hk/remedies/disp/1,1459,502,00.html

So now I know why.

And now I am going back to bed, where I will massage the calcaneal tendon and gastrocnemius and soleus

I'm a muffin

SOOPER CHOCOLATE

You are a chocolate chocolate chip truffle muffin with a ribbon of nauseatingly rich fudge baked in caramel! With frosting and sprinkles! Oooh, sprinkes. A cherry on top as well! A candle and sparkler! What does this mean? You are probably filled with happy energy and have the power to make everyone around you scream with unnatural euphoria for hours on end. This is not a good thing. You have an 87% chance of dying due to autoerotic asphyxiation.

Riiiiighttt... Time for me to go to bed. I have better things to do.

shameless advertisement

Hey everyone. I'm in a directing class and my final project is to direct a ten-minute scene. My actors will be performing it Wednesday, December 14th, at 6:00 pm. I would suggest being a half hour early because seating is extremely limited. It is in Levin A, a small theater space above the Mason Gross Levin Theater. To get there, enter the Levin Theater lobby, go up the stairs, and make a right. At another set of 4 or so stairs, there will be a door on the left. That's the little theater. You can't miss it because there will probably be actors all around the hallway there. Anyway. That's my shameless plug.

fantasy

Last night, I saw The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe. It was impressive. They stuck to the book very nicely I thought and did a very good job. You all know how much I like Lord of the Rings. Well, I only read them about 3 months before Fellowship came out. But Narnia is bigger and dearer to my heart, because I was first introduced to them in 4th grade, and I basically grew up with Aslan. I've even met Aslan in my dreams. Well, I think. I've met a great, magical lion. I don't know if it was Aslan, because no one ever addressed him in my dream. But he talked, and the way he talked, you KNEW he was powerful. But I don't think he had the voice of Liam Neeson hahaha.

Anyway, because the movie got out and I was supposed to volunteer for The Big Chill (5K race) 6 hours later, I stayed over at Anissa's so we could leave together. As I was about to drift to sleep, I thought, "I wonder if my dreams will take me to Narnia tonight. I would like that." Y'know that time between waking and sleeping? I was there, and I saw an image of a lion. But as soon as the image materialized in my mind, it evolved into something else. So I only had split seconds to recognize the creatures. I think I saw Gollum, and a griffin, and hideous creatures, and beautiful ones, and some that I've never seen before and had no name for. A lot of them were mythical/magical creatures, but some were natural, like horses or something.

There was a witch (I'm not entirely convinced it was the White Witch of Narnia) and she came into the midst of the creatures, who by now were mostly normal earth-creatures. although there were some others too, like centaurs. We were standing on a frozen lake. She had placed underwater depth charges in strategic places under the ice. As they went off they shone bright blue/green through the ice. It was in a circle, surrounding us. And then suddenly, a shaft of light came up from the ice in a circle, like a force field or something, keeping us from leaving. The sun was out but I realized that everything inside the circle was an optical illusion because in actuality, there was nothing inside the circle. I walked over to either a horse or a centaur, and I touched its skin. Even in places where there was shadow, the sun was burning it, because the shadow was only an illusion. In actuality, the sun was burning our skin. There was a sort of blue haze, as if from a tanning bed, but lighter. The animals had inspiration and we figured out how to break the spell and escape but I can't remember what we did. Then Anissa's alarm went off.

more on me

Today is a little better. I don't want to complain about the cold but... its REALLY cold. I'm thinking about rearranging my room so that the bed is by the heater. One of my windows doesn't lock, and every time a Rutgers bus passes my window, it slips down a bit and opens from the top. The cold is making my wrists and the fleshy part of my thumb ache. And for some reason I can't seem to move my right leg without physically lifting it with my hands. I don't know what I did, because I haven't been to jujitsu in a while and I haven't really done a whole lot of strenuous activity except for existing as a student at Rutgers, which is strenuous enough. Anyway, I think its time to rearrange my room, since I have a little free time right now. But I wanted to say hot chocolate, good friends, aim chats at 4 am, and hot tears are very good medicine. I feel ok today.

my day

I haven't had a very good day. Well, I have. But I haven't. It started with a dream this morning that made me wake up feeling really sad. I got up and went to do my makeup final project, which was fun. But I wasn't exactly in the mood to go through the hassle of cleaning all that crap off. I haven't showered yet, so I still feel kinda gross. (It was the white witch of narnia, so I went all out. Hair spray, makeup, glitter, the works.) And then I went to the show. And the backstage drama was up. And I'm sick of it. I hate this show, and I can't wait until Tuesday when I can fill out evaluations and voice my opinions about the absurdity of allowing students to give grades to their peers (allowing politics into the picture) and the absurdity of allowing student stage managers and directors and others to waste everyone's time. I've worked on a Jameson show before so I know that it IS in fact possible to do it, have a great team, enjoy ourselves, and run it without wasting time.

So, I left the theater and listened to my voicemail, where I heard a message from Anissa telling me that she would come steal me from the theater if I was willing because there was going to be a very important promotion at jujitsu tonight. She didn't say the name, but I knew right away it was Andrew, because I've been looking forward to this promotion since October and I'm REALLY upset that the Jameson show wasn't even worth missing it for. I am so fed up with the show that I would have walked out, regardless of the fact that I'm being graded by BFA students who think they are better than me. Honestly I no longer care about the grade. But lucky for them, I had turned my phone off to save the battery (Jameson is a basement, so the phone is constantly looking for a signal while I'm there) and so I didn't get the message until I was on the bus, headed for College Ave. At which point, my face crumpled up, and I'm sure if anyone was watching me listen to my messages, they would have thought the message was about the death of a family member or something. It was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back, so with the stress of the past few weeks and my body not too great (I have several sore muscles), I sat with everyone in jujitsu, and was struggling to hold in the tears. I didn't want it to rain on Andrew's big night, so I thought perhaps I should just go home.

But anyway, I'm really proud of Andrew, who is now a black belt. Super-mega congratulations!

And then, because Anissa could see me struggling, she invited me over to her place for hot chocolate and Steve came too, and it was amazing. She put almond extract, vanilla extract, and cayenne pepper in it, and it was soooo good.

And now that I'm home, and have had a good decent cry, and have spilled everything, and have congratulated Andrew, I might be ready for a shower and bed. Goodnight all.

sigh

I'm disappointed in someone. I thought they were better than that. So I'm down right now. But I've had a happy day in general.

sigh

its almost 5. i just finished my theater makeup project preparations for tomorrow. honestly, i could have gone to bed hours ago. but i sort of relish the time i get to think. to be real with myself and not push my feelings aside in favor of schoolwork. at the same time, its killing me. i want to go to bed to escape it. and at the same time i want to stay up and distracted so i won't think. even though i want to. that sounds strange. it is. its because i'm an oxymoron. oh well... here's to fancy distractions that i can't figure out.

haven't posted in a while

i haven't said anything about myself lately, but i'm in a rush so i'm going with no punctuation, probably not correcting grammar either lol. anyway, i'm doing a jameson show. i dislike it, but it gives me tons of time to do interesting things like sew garland onto my coat for my theater makeup project.

congratulations to sam and dhaval for passing their gokyu exams. i'm proud of you guys, and i think you're awesome. my time will come soon... i think haha.

i am in love with bubble tea.

i have to go draw a picture of the white witch of narnia for theater makeup class. i love doing homework where i don't have to learn anything!

one more story

Sam told me to try and enjoy myself while doing the show. Make the best of it... all that good advice. I agree, its just hard sometimes. So today, I amused myself with fiction:

You die. You find yourself outside the pearly gates with a mass of other people. You are amazed at the numbers but even more amazed at the efficiency of the system set up for handling all the newcomers. You see 26 tables with a saint behind each, checking names in large books. Each table is labelled with a letter of the alphabet so you get in the one that matches your name. You're not too worried but wonder how they can fit all these people in Heaven. Do the inns ever run out of room? The guy in front of you is accepted in. Finally its your turn, and Saint Peter says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name in here. Spell it for me?" You do. He says, "Still nothing. Tell me about yourself." You tell him you are a theater major in a liberal arts college. He says, "Ok, well, there might be some mistake. I'll send you to Saint Marshall; he's the saint in charge of BA theater majors. He's kinda tough; be prepared to listen to your requirements for admission into Heaven, and about what you see yourself accomplishing here in the next 5 years."

You find yourself standing in front of Saint Marshall, who also can't find you in his big book. "Well, I'm goind to send you to Saint Carol; she's the saint in charge of admissions. Prepare a monologue in case she wants you to audition to get in."

You go to Saint Carol, and she can't find you in her book. She also tries to convince you that maybe Heaven isn't the right program for you. Your skills and goals might best be used elsewhere. "I'm gonna go ahead and mark you down as not accepted." She's a saint, you can't tell her she should talk to God about that before making His decisions for Him.

Disappointed, you turn your face down there, and come face to face with the devil. "Haha, you're with me? Great! I have just the program for you! We're currently testing a new form of torture. I'm going to assign you to 10 days in the Jameson Project."

i remembered!

For a while now, I'll think of something I wanted to put up here, and then I would forget ten seconds later. When I actually made my way to my computer, I couldn't remember what it was. I finally remembered while in front of the computer.

Oberonious: ....
Auto response from arwenundomiel9: crying myself to sleep
Oberonious: Oh Meg... why?
Oberonious: Eh?
Auto response from arwenundomiel9: *growl!*
Oberonious: Now you've got a game face on?
Oberonious: Such mood swings.
arwenundomiel9: no... its not a sexy growl. Its a "i want to kill someone growl"
Oberonious: Yeah, that's what I meant by "game face"... like you're serious about something.
Oberonious: What's with the cryptic away messages? are the crying and killing related?
Oberonious: theater stuff?
arwenundomiel9: yes theater stuff...

Strangely, a few hours after that conversation, I was at the theater. I went up the stairs to get my water bottle, and my former director was sitting in the audience waiting for everyone to get their acts together. One of the actors was sitting there too. Will said, "Are you ok?" And I just kind of looked at him puzzled because at the time, I was mostly ok, just thirsty. But he said, "you look like you want to kill someone." And the actor, Doug, said "yeah, I was just thinking to myself, she does not look happy." I had a ton of things I could have said but my stage managers (PEERS who get to give me my grade and think they are princesses) were nearby, so actress that I am, I said I had just woken up and was still pretty tired. Which I was. But it was also other things I probably shouldn't have said anyway.

But I thought that was interesting that I could put on my face exactly what I was thinking without realizing it. I guess I'm easy to read.

sequel

I don't have the time for this, but its stirring again.

The Person stood in front of the door, waiting. All his life, he'd been waiting. He'd been waiting so long, it seemed time no longer existed, because he took no notice of it. It did not matter because time would continue to pass. As usual, he knocked again. As usual, he heard no response. He sighed. And knocked again.

He heard a thump behind the door, as he had so many times before. He heard footfalls, people laughing. He heard a baby cry and a dog bark and a glass shatter. Life was going on without him. True, there was life here, with him, on this side of the door, and he loved it. But it was his heart's desire to open the door. To unite the two sides. Ever since... well... he didn't know how long ago it was, because it was such a very long time. But someone had closed the door.

And the closing of this door had left him separated from people he loved. He loved the people on this side too. But every day, every night, he daydreamed of the day the door opened. He thought and planned and acted and knocked. Always knocking. Always monotonous. But always worth it. They'll hear me one day. One day, the door will open.

But one day, something happened. One day, a little mouse came under the floor boards. This mouse had great wisdom. No one knew where this mouse came from, but he was highly respected. He told the Person the door would not open without action. He told the Person how to open the door. The Person was overjoyed! He had waited so many years, and now, finally, he had the chance to see it happen.

The Person embarked on his journey. He had to find a rare flower growing in a field. It was red, and had soft, velvety petals. Its fragrance was subtle, and sweet. But it was a passionate fragrance. Appropriate for the Person, who was also passionate in his desire for the door to open. This field was very far away, and the Person couldn't get there by walking. He had to crawl, through twisty tunnels on his hands and knees. He had to hike up mountains and climb cliffs. He had to go through cities and villages, and help people. He had to walk along the edge of a high cliff. He stopped. It was very high. He wasn't afraid of heights, but he knew the danger. a wall rose up on his right, and there was open air on his left. Step by step, he moved forward and the ledge became narrower and narrower. He thought of turning back, but this was the way the mouse had told him to go. This was the way to the field with the flowers. He had to do this because without the flower, and without the trials of getting the flower, the door could not open. The flower's fragrance would penetrate the door when he could not.

He put his foot down and the ledge creaked. He pulled it up a little, and saw that someone had driven a spike into it, causing the rock to fracture. Who would do that? Who would try to prevent people from reaching the flowers? He shook his head. No choice but to continue on. He had to get to the flowers. He took another step. The ledge cracked and fell away, and he lost his balance. He felt his back scrape across the remaining part of the ledge. He twisted his hand around and grabbed for anything he could. In the next moment, he felt something hard beneath his fingers and rock against his forehead. His eyes went black for a moment, but he closed them and concentrated on his hand that was gripping the ledge for dear life.

When he could see again, he noticed that enough of the ledge was left that his fingers would still grip it all the way across, assuming his strength held out. He reached his other hand up, and felt blood tickle his spine. Then he felt some drip down the tip of his nose as well. Nothing to do but go on. Do this for the flower. Hand by hand, he swung himself along the ledge, until he could see that it widened. His fingertips were bloody by the end, and his arms shaking uncontrollably. He had reached a place where he could swing his legs up, but he did not have the strength. He stopped, and hung there for a while. Panting, he put his head against the cool rock. Sweat mingled with the blood on his back and it began to sting. Sweat and blood poured down his forehead and mixed with the tears streaming down his cheeks.

He inhaled, and then quickly, he flexed his arms, swinging one foot up at the same time. His heel caught on the ledge. At last! A tiny bit of relief for his aching arms. Slowly, he managed to pull himself onto the ledge. His lungs and heart pounding, he rolled facedown and put his cheek to the cool stone. His arms were still shaking. He had trouble unflexing them. He closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he didn't know how much time had passed. But he was rewarded for his efforts. The ledge had taken him around a bend, and beyond this bend was a little field nestled on the mountain. The field was full of flowers and a sweet scent hung over the entire area. The air hummed with bees busy on their meanderings through the field, happy and fat. Just the sight made him forget the ache in his back and head and arms. It made him forget his pain. And then he looked at his fingers. The blood was gone. He raised his hand to his head. Nothing. Not even a bit of skin scratched. Not a single drop of blood was on his body.

What a wonderful place this must be! What a wonderful flower grew here. He went forward, following the mouse's instructions, and followed the path into the field. He wanted to run through it, and he wanted to lie down and sleep all at once. He went to the center, near an old oak tree, and gathered up 5 of the flowers closest to the trunk. These were the sweeter smelling flowers, the flowers that were healthier and more ripe. As he turned to follow the path around the tree, he came across some long planks and a rope. He wondered what they were for, and then it hit him. The path turned back on itself here. The path went back the way he'd just come. He had to go back over the ledge without crushing the flowers. The realization hit him full in the face. Someone had placed the boards here with the rope because they knew the ledge was a problem. And they knew that he would be going back, and they knew how much the flowers meant to him. And they wanted the ledge to be a struggle. If it weren't, the flowers and the results of getting them would not be as precious. He smiled a tired smile, and lifted the planks and rope.

After many struggles, he found he had come to the end of his journey. The flowers were dried out, but still carried a sweet scent around them. He brought them to the mouse, who smiled and told him he had done well. After more instructions, the mouse left. The Person put the flowers in a bowl, and placed a cloth over them. He put his hands into the bowl, and slowly began to knead the cloth, crushing the flowers. The smell grew stronger, especially when he had removed the cloth, and shaken the flower fragments back into the bowl. He then turned, and took a pot of boiling water, pouring it over the flower powder. The aroma multiplied, and soon, the whole room was heavy with the wonderful scent. He turned and placed the bowl in front of the door, knocking once more. Still no answer. But as he watched, a rich color filled the bowl. It was a reddish, purple hue, and it slowly colored the steam as well. He watched the steam rise and a cool breeze blew it into the keyhole and under the boards. He smiled.

It was getting in. He knocked again. He heard a noise, and pressed his ear to the door. Someone was on the other side, doing something. It was probably an everyday, ordinary something. But slowly, the someone on the other side began to sniffle. It was the painful, anguished sniffle of someone trying not to cry. He remembered the feeling. He had felt it while on the ledge, holding on for dear life, trying to be brave and strong and not cry. But the farther he went on, and the closer he got to the flowers, the more he had allowed himself to cry.

He knocked again. He wanted to hold the someone on the other side, and wrap his arms around them and tell them he'd be there for them. He wanted to give them comfort. He remembered the feeling well, because he'd been there. But after a few minutes, he had a new thought. What if the person just needed some privacy? Remembering the exhilaration he felt when he'd pulled himself onto the ledge again, he felt like an intruder, spying. He decided to give them some privacy for a while. Let them work through their tears like he had his own. He knocked again, not expecting an answer, and turned away, slipping quietly into the next room. He sat down to wait. Then, he heard a noise. Was it a door opening? He rushed into the hallway, just in time to see the sliver of light disappear behind the door. He was disappointed, but he smiled. The opening of the door had allowed great amounts of the scent of the flowers to cross through. He chuckled. If it can happen once, it can happen again. One day, he would be reunited with those he loved on the other side of that door.

itch

So... I don't know if I've shared this or not. My ankles have been acting up lately. Old injuries, not helped by the cold, dance class, and jujitsu. So, on November 13th, I was achy everywhere below the hips and so I put something called Zheng Gu Shui (water for the bone) on my ankles and knees. It was amazing and stopped hurting right away. I'd put it on every evening because it would take the night to feel better and then the rest of the day to start hurting again. On the tenth day, I thought... "Gee I must have gotten a spider bite or something, the back of my knee is really itchy." By the next day, both knees were bumpy and itchy. It spread to my ankles and then to the tops of my knees. By day five, I had scabs in some places on my ankles, mostly from scratching in my sleep, but some from scratching during the day. It resembled poison ivy in terms of the itch and look of the rash, except without the oils. However, I was happy because ten days of ZGS had greatly relieved my pain, and when it came back, I occasionally thought "If it gets any worse, I'll use ZGS without regard to a rash." Luckily the pain didn't get any worse, because by day 6, I decided its 10 times itchier than poison ivy. If you scratch poison ivy, it hurts because you injure the skin but the itch is satisfied. With this, if you scratch, sometimes it injures the skin but no matter what you do, nothing satisfies it. When you're done scratching, you just let it sit, and then you feel heat rushing into your foot and it feels like your foot is on fire until you scratch again. Supposedly, according to this website that researched it, ZGS has caused no known cases of allergies, but occasionally causes a rash (I guess as a side effect). Antihistamines did nothing to help me, so I thought of buying an anesthetic. Since I've never heard of over-the-counter anesthetics, I settled for (under Anissa's instruction) Aveeno cream with hydrocortisone. This stuff is a God-send. I have officially decided I'm going to fall in love with hydrocortisone and marry it.

In other news... I hate Mason Gross and I think he should die. Well... his school. Far as I know he's already dead. The teachers I have are pretty decent, even Marshall Jones, but for liberal arts students who have decided to do something with their degrees in case theater doesn't work out for them, the major requirements are asinine. If I hadn't already put 7 semesters into this, I'd change my major tomorrow. I know that there are great theater experiences out there, but this semester I have found very few and I don't want to work in a field that has so many people who check out and go to mars every day. I want to be able to sleep when its dark out, and get 8 hours of sleep a night, and eat food that isn't cucumbers-and-dip-on-a-bagel because you don't have time to go food shopping because the stage manager owns your life. I want to be able to do my homework when its assigned, and I don't want to fight off silverfish while I'm waiting for my cues. If I work in a theater after college, I want to be able to breathe while inside, without having allergies to the air. I don't ever want to see paint hanging from the ceiling in strips because water leaks through the wall and loosens it. Rutgers has too many of those types of buildings. I want to be able to eat my meals sitting down and sleep lying down and do my cooking standing up.

Ok. I'm done complaining I think. Thanks for listening.

No, I'm not. I have one more thing. I'm not taking it as well as I thought I would, and I'm not taking it as well as it looks. I think too much and also think too little. Molly knows this and comes to sleep on my lap.