post #2 Adele's story

Adele stood on her tippytoes to peer over the edge of the table. Before her, shining white and glimmering, was The Cake. The French Blessing Cake that was only made once every 4 years. If she didn't get to taste its wonderful sweetness, she would have to wait all the way until she was 9!!! How could they possibly expect her to wait that long? But she was ushered off to bed, and when she woke the next morning, the party had gone and with it, the cake. How great was her disappointment! 4 years was a long time to expect a 5 year old to wait.

At first she cried. And cried and cried to see that the cake was gone. Then she tried to convince herself that the cake wasn't really gone, and that the grownups were just keeping it away from her for some reason. Finally, she accepted the fact that it was gone and wearily turned her attentions to waiting for the new cake to come in four years. Eventually, she nearly forgot that it had been there in the first place.

But then, one day, there it was. She could now see over the table, could even lean in very close to see the cake better. She was excited. She saw that this new cake was different from the former, that it had some new colors in the frosting, and extra filling inside. The filling was what intrigued her. It was a rare occasion to see a French Blessing Cake with filling. The Cake this year had filling because the new cook wanted to impress everyone with his skills. She looked again at the cake, with its fillings. Perhaps this time the grownups would let her taste that beautiful white fluffy cake. In sorrow, she was brought to her bed before the cake had been brought before the guests. In the morning, as she expected, the cake was gone, filling and all. She cried, just like last time, and expected that the process would be the same. Cry, deny, blame others, accept it, wait for a new one, forget the old one ever existed. But she discovered something. She discovered that this second time, the process was different.

She could not accept that the French Blessing Cake she had waited for was gone. She could not accept that the old one had never existed, or that she would wait patiently for the new one. She wondered where this change had come from... she wondered if perhaps it had been the fact that she was 9 instead of 5 this time, or perhaps that the cake had filling this time, or that she had had a better view of the cake, or maybe even just that it was the second time around. At any rate, she felt that her thoughts and memories were so occupied by the old cake, that the new one she knew would come when she was 13 would not be quite as interesting.

And in fact, it wasn't. It was beautiful, she would admit. But it was not for her. It had no filling to intrigue her, to spark her imagination. She was still interested in the one she'd seen when she was 9. She sat down in her bed that night, knowing the adults were eating the cake, and she realized she did not mind at all. She was still absorbed in the memory of that other beautiful cake.

"What does one do" she pondered, "when one cannot, no matter what the circumstances, let go of what one wants to bring back from the past?" When she becomes an adult, will she be offered a slice of a French Blessing Cake? Will she eat it? Or will she still be thinking of the cake she'd seen at 9 that had such exquisite filling?

Not sure where to start.

There's so much I could say... on so many different topics.

I'd rather not talk about going home, because it would inevitably lead to an update on the play, which I don't want to talk about. I think... I might be afraid to fail in this scenario. And that's bad. Adds tension to my life and mind and body.

I came from a (good) rehearsal, in decent spirits, and I went to jujitsu. As soon as I did, something told me, "I'm not ready to be checked out yet." But, they checked me out anyway, and determined that I'm not ready to test for Gokyu. Give it two more weeks, and a knowledge of the things I need to work on. Basically, my techniques are there. (In my mind I also need work on the names of techniques.) But there's something... mental that's missing. There's a lack of fire... an inability to take control of an attack. Which... I think is true of my life outside of jujitsu. Quite often, I am one of those corks bobbing in the ocean. The waves go somewhere, but the cork only goes up and down. It is not carried anywhere, and has no way of controlling where it goes anyway.

So... even though I didn't test yet, tonight somehow feels like a failure. I know its not, its an assessment, not the real test. But, I suppose the reason it feels like a failure is that the blackbelts have been telling me the same thing for the past year, "Fire, intent, take charge of the attack," and I have not listened. Occasionally, there would be moments of clarity, when I would. But ultimately, under stress, I could not take that control. I could not follow their advice. And that's what bothers me. That it is something I should have had hammered into me by now.

But, on the upside... I somehow by the grace of God managed to complete a bridgefall today. Not a stime disguised as a bridgefall, but a real, hop-and-go-over bridgefall. Unfortunately it was not the one I did while I was being checked out. That one sucked.

And now I'm kind of sore. In my body but also in spirit, because I have had a long workout of both of them. I went to Anissa's to hang out with her a little while, and talk turned to pet names when someone who will remain unnamed called her "dear." It got me thinking. How much should I value pet names?

Choosing not to indulge the interests of that little tangent... I'm going to write another little fiction piece. In a minute.

Jujitsu

So...

Thursday at jujitsu was technically my first day back after spring break. I went to jujitsu on Tuesday, but for obvious reasons I didn't do much. Thursday I went to kids class, had a good time with those kids, and then went downstairs for the colored belt class. I was happy, cause I didn't have my notebook, because Cara's checking it. Steve tested, so all the blackbelts were occupied which gave the rest of us a chance to review a lot of things we were having issues with. Mostly variations on stuff, which meant I got to use my imagination. And I ALMOST did a bridge fall, which was also very cool. And Steve was promoted to brown belt. Yaaay Steve. And then after class, I got to grapple with Scott, which was cool, because I learned so much about myself. With some of the other people I grapple with, I just do it for fun and practice. But Scott was determined to make me learn something. Which was good.

And now I'm home avoiding homework. So I'm even happier. Yaaay me.

Ok. That's all.

I'm falling apart

Hmm...

So, last week, my digestive tract went haywire... as in, when I eat food, my stomach says... "What? I don't want that. I want to do something cool like writing poetry. Why can't I be the cool part of the body?" And I was also extra sensitive in certain areas that hurt.

And this week, I figured out why. But what I didn't plan on was Tuesday. On Monday night I was a little crampy. But I felt fine on Tuesday. Tuesday morning, I ate breakfast and went to massage class. Then I rushed back to Douglass to model a costume for the Costume Rendering class. I ate about 3/4 of a blueberry muffin because I didn't have much time for anything else. I put the costume on and started the modelling session. About 10 minutes before I was done, I'm standing there thinking, Hmm its kinda warm in here. Then all of a sudden, Its really warm in here. My head feels tight. And what happened to the lights? I sat down in the middle of the session and suddenly, I can't really get a good breath of air. So the teacher said "Its ok, you're not the first person who's had that kind of reaction modelling. Go outside and get a drink of water." I go outside with the teacher's aide, and all of a sudden, the cramps started again. And I feel nauseous. The teacher took one look at me when I came back in and said, "Go change into your comfortable clothes, you're done for the day."

The elevator to the first floor was stuffy, and my knees buckled. By this time I'm shaking and the TA leads me into the costume shop, rips open a bag of oreos and tells me to get my sugar up. My mouth was so dry that I could only swallow two bites and I was worried I would throw it up. She came back from somewhere and led me to a teacher's office where there was a couch. I'm shaking from the pain of my uterus trying to turn itself inside out. (Sorry for whatever guys read this...) The TA unbuttoned the back of my dress (which was almost-but-not-quite a corset) and went to get my clothes from the changing room. While she was gone, I called Steve, who I knew was close by, at Anissa's studying, and asked him to come get me. He was there in two minutes. But I couldn't move because my cramps were so bad. Sad to say, they've been worse in the past. I know because on Tuesday, they didn't elicit tears, only exclamations like "OMG its coming in contractions I am SOOO never getting PREGNANT!" I think I scared Steve. But yeah, from what I hear, women say the weirdest things when they're in labor.

When I could stand up, Steve brought me back to Anissa's so I could nap and he could keep an eye on me (Anissa was in class, otherwise they both would have watched me like hawks). I guess that's all he could have done anyway though... if I ever get like that, there's nothing much anyone can do about it except watch or maybe do some accupressure points. And Cara's right... that's a little awkward.

I skipped class that day, so I hope we didn't do anything important. And that night I went to jujitsu but didn't work out. It was the beginner's class, so I just walked around helping people. I was ok until the last 10 minutes when I started to feel achy and dizzy. Very mild dizziness. The achy I think was just from fatigue. The dizziness went away when I went to the student center and ate some chicken. I was hoping for tofu, cause rumor has it tofu has more protein than chicken. That, and I was craving tofu... and soy is supposed to balance estrogen levels. But... the chicken was sufficient.

Wednesday, yesterday, I was mostly fine, with moments where I just stood up too quickly. That happens any time, regardless of what happened on Tuesday. But today I'm still having 2 or 3 second dizzy spells, and I'm not sure about what's going on anymore. Cause normally I'm not this affected by estrogen. I am, however, somewhat glad that estrogen affects me physically rather than mentally or emotionally. I have enough stuff playing with my mind, I'm glad that estrogen hasn't jumped on the bandwagon.

But... I'm gonna go eat something. Just to be safe.

they had iaido in the bible.

To quote my away message, "grumble. the female body is stoooopiiiidd"

I couldn't figure out why my body was falling apart. Then at the computer lab I started cramping and then the lightbulb went on.

But my teacher made me feel a little better. I'm going to write out the script from class today, since the teacher is such an actor. The lecture was on the book of judges, but basically he acted out the story of Ehud.

Robertson: (I'm paraphrasing here to get to the good parts.) So the people did what was right in their own eyes, and the Lord allowed King Elgon to come in and conquer them and they were oppressed for years until the people cried out to God. AHHHHHHH. (He has just let out a bloodcurdling yell.) Uh. I better make sure no one is sending for the EMT squad. (Sneaks to the door and pokes his head out.) No no we're ok. (Closes the door.) So uh. Yeah, the people cried out to Yahweh and Yaweh heard their cry. Let's all have a corporate cry to God. Uh. You think thats a bad idea? I wonder what people will do.

Student: I don't think its a problem.

R: really? Hmm yeah cause if anyone comes running you all can explain the story of judges and then it will be ingrained in your heads and then you'll do better on the final. hmm no lets do a silent cry to Yahweh. Ready, One Two Three.

All: (whisper) AHHH

I think about silent kiais and my mind wanders to jujitsu. When I return to the lecture, Robertson is just saying:

R: Ehud was a left handed judge! If you're a southpaw in this class, raise your left hand!

Four people raise their hands.

R: Great! That's more than usual. But that's still... let's see, 48 in the class, that's less than 10%

I start writing numbers on my notes. I'm not a math major in any way but something tells me 12%.

R: So, King Eglon was a FAAAT man, in fact eglon sounds like the Hebrew word for young calf. But he wasn't a calf or cow, he was a BULL. He was a BIIIIG bull.

He sprawls on the desk, semireclined, with his arms out resting on invisible fat. Jumps up to play Ehud.

R: And Ehud made a sword that was a cubit long. How many know what a cubit is? (No answer.) Its the length from the edge of your elbow to your fingertips. So, each ancient isrealite had a different cubit cause arms are different lengths. See? (Compares with someone in the class.) My cubit's longer than yours.

He goes around the class room to some of the guys and they all compare their cubits. Typical males. Sigh.

R: So Ehud went before the King saying "I have a SECRET gift for you" and the king-

He turns around and sprawls on the desk again.

R: says SILENCE and sends all the guards and servants out of the room. He's kinda greedy. And then Ehud-

Jumps of the desk and turns to play Ehud.

R: jumps out and STABS Eglon with his cubit sword. WHOOSH! (Makes stabbing motion so I think of Andrew and Cara and iaido blackbelts.) And then Eglon's fat covers the sword GLUB GLUB GLUB and Ehud lets go. And then! Guess what?! Eglon's BOWELS EXPLODED! PFFFTTTBBLLLLL! (Makes Cyrus' spewing motion from iaido.)

So yeah... that kinda brightened my day a little.

The other thing that brightened it was that I found myself on Livingston and passed a Magnolia tree whose blooms were just beginning to crack open. YAAY spring, especially magnolia trees hehehe.

My mom and dad had their first kiss under a magnolia tree in Hackensack or Morristown I forget which. I think Morristown. Near the Iron Horse restaurant or pub or whatever it is. Anyway that reminds me of one other thing.

I was thinking about how I've dated people... and done cute romantic things. But somehow, very few of those things resembled a date in the sense that people talk about dates. Like getting dressed up, date coming to pick you up and take you someplace special involving dinner and some form of entertainment. A pre-planned date, not spontaneous. If I ever do that kind of date again-

mmm fond memories of the first of that kind :-)

-then I think it would be a trip to see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. Just two people. It would be fun to see a Broadway show with friends. But Phantom... I think I would pick that as a perfect date. Or even almost perfect.

The reason this is on my mind is Anissa was asking. *insert joke here* So that's a clearer definition of my answer.

Ok I've cleared my mind. I'm gonna go do some real homework instead of recounting my class adventure.

More fiction

Charlotte looked at him out of the corners of her eyes. Was he serious? She couldn't tell. It had been such a long time. She kept walking, he continued as well. She stopped at her car, jiggled the keys, and handed them to him.

'What's this?"

"You want to drive." It was a statement, not a question. She pushed them into his hand.

He pushed them back. "Its your car, you have a license, you can drive. I trust you."

Her eyes slanted a bit more. "You always used to say you could never handle being a passenger with a driver who hadn't had their license more than a year."

He looked at her a moment, trying to figure out this person she had become. "We were 17 then. All our friends were insane. Of course I would say that. You're older. You're mature. You've got a head on your shoulders like they never had. You drive. I'm ok with that."

She got in the car, he followed. "I'm still human. I'm still inexperienced. I'm going to make a mistake today that will scare you. But I have to. That's how I learn."

He didn't need to say anything in response, but wanted to acknowledge her. Very simply, "Okay."

AHHHHHHHHHH

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!!
I KNOW IT ALREADY.
STOP TELLING ME THAT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB SALT IN THE BLEEDING MESS.
God, just leave me alone. No don't, I need you here. But... I don't know what I want anymore.

Things used to be so simple. Just... 5 years ago. 5 years ago, I was directing a dance for Easter. Now I'm directing a whole play. 5 years ago I had not yet entered the world of Male. Now I'm lost in a whole new universe, wondering what loyalty my heart holds. 5 years ago, I was preparing to be rebaptized. To declare to the world that I'd strayed after my first baptism and that I wanted to return to a life where nothing matters but You. And now... I can't always seem to find You. I know You're there. But... I'm not in the right place.

I'm tired of the what if game. Where are You?

poem

Two year old chocolate.
The taste of old sugar,
And fatty oils gone bad.

Something sweet that still tastes sweet
And yet still has the taste of something
That will not last forever.

A memory of a past life.
Something sweet I once used to live
Dug up out of the sock drawer

Found buried with a bunch of jelly bellies
That are now cold rocks of corn syrup
And mints that won't ever freshen a mouth.

Who gave me that chocolate?
And why did everything go stale?
And when sugar goes bad, where does that sweet taste go?

Does it still deserve an attempt at enjoying it?
Do I eat it for old times' sake?
Or throw it out and forget the memory ever existed?

Haven't written in a while.

Its spring break. So I've been busy with my homework ICCCKKKKK....

But I just had a dream where I got angry. I've never been that angry before, in a dream or in real life. And the odd thing is, I was angry at my mom, which is even stranger. And it made me realize I still have feelings for... yeah. This dream was kind of emotionally draining. So I'm a little dead this afternoon. At the same time, it was so satisfying to be able to feel those emotions and have complete control over them.

Anyway, if you want to know more, ask me in person, cause I don't really feel like posting the whole thing up here.

But I'm so drained.

cliff jumping

So, I sent the email that has been simmering and evolving in the back of my mind for quite some time now. It was such a release to send it. I'm sorta scared of the outcome.

I think I need to go let out months' worth of emotions in a good cry. Good night.

jujitsu

Last night at jujitsu, we spent the whole two hours on groundwork and grappling (yay!). Scott was our teacher, and I learned soo much.

One thing that Scott said yesterday can be applied to a lot of things. When you're grappling, its all a matter of who's on top. You may physically be on the bottom of a move like shiho gatame (smothering someone using your stomach) but because of what you do, you can, in a sense, redefine where the top and bottom lay. So your back may be horizontal, on the floor, and your attacker may be on top of you. But a slight shift in your arms or torso, or just relaxing, will change where top is. So top is no longer on the y-axis.

And I guess... you can apply that to a lot of things. I think I'm going to apply it to my midterm paper in my monsters class. But you can put it anywhere. When you feel like life is "clobbering you" as Andrew so vividly phrased it, you have to try and find the one thing, the one position that will change where top is. Cause it stinks a lot when life comes out on top. And when it stinks, sure you can cry about it if you want. But after a decent cry, shift positions. You don't have to move your opponent off of you. You just have to move where top is. And that's so much easier than moving the full 180 pounds of muscle that might be pinning you to the ground.

Wow... ok so I'm talking to myself. I didn't expect that to come out. That was fascinating. Ok back to my homework.

break time

I'm taking a break from writing my script, even though I really shouldn't. The reason being... for one thing I need a break. But for another thing... I had a sort of epiphany.

While trying to condense 3 years of Jesus' ministry into a play, I came across this verse: "you are the salt of the earth. but if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? it is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men."

I've always just taken that verse to mean that we should have an influence on people, otherwise why are we here? And also that... our saltiness should be something that adds flavor to life for other people... that we are what makes life interesting and worth living. But I started thinking- is it actually possible for salt to lose its saltiness? I mean, salt has a specific chemical makeup... if anything changes won't it not be salt? it can't just be salt and not salty.

Luckily, I know a bunch of Really Smart People, who live on the Engineering campus. And one of my RSP friends minored in chemistry. And here's a bit of what he said:

Puhasol: salt refers to any of many ionic compounds
Puhasol: some of which may not actually taste salty
Puhasol: i haven't tasted them
Puhasol: so i couldn't tell you
Me: oh... but...
Me: back then... would those ionic compounds have been available to the jews? would it be possible for salty salt to break down into non-salty salt, just by sitting in a jar?
Puhasol: oh no
Puhasol: NaCl will be NaCl in a jar for eternity
Puhasol: unless you put some other thing in there
Me: so... lets say Jesus has NaCl in a jar that everyone uses for cooking. its nice and salty. can your "some other thing" be floating around an ancient Jewish kitchen and accidentally fall into the jar of NaCl, thereby rendering it unsalty?
Puhasol: i forgot my ionic affinities
Puhasol: i used to have them memorized in order
Me: ok... well i guess its not really that important... i guess its more important to understand the concept of what jesus was talking about... but not knowing anything about chemistry i figured i'd ask
Puhasol: basically something that likes Cl better or Na better has to come around and pull them apart

And that got me to thinking... I know I used to fit the description of "salt of the earth," at least in terms of... setting an example for people, and being there for others, particularly other kids in my youth group. But what about now? Have I lost my saltiness? What would it take to make me unsalty? Something would have to come along and identify with one part of me, but not with another. So lets just say for kicks and giggles that the sodium is God in my life. And then the chlorine in me would have to say I like that something better than I like the sodium, and the two would be pulled apart, and then bang... I'm not salty anymore.

Hmm... I think thats more educational than my brain can handle right now. I'm only a theater major after all. But seriously... what would it take to change my spiritual chemical makeup? Am I salty? I have no idea. And if I'm not, I have no idea when I changed.

jujitsu, massage, and scary things

This is mostly a jujitsu post. I went to the kids' class today. The kids tested for the next rank tonight, so I got to lead some of the students in a sort of larger role. Which was cool... and stressful. I hate getting things done within a certain amount of time. But it was a lot of fun. And Leah and Matt were promoted to orange and yellow belts, respectively. That was cool.

Then we went downstairs for the intermediate jujitsu class. Barb began the class with the announcement that today was the funeral for Butterfly Bob, the sensei from the dojo in Manhattan. Just like when Darlene died, Barb said something really profound. It was kind of an echo of that. With Darlene, Barb compared death to the ultimate sutemi, the ultimate giving in and allowing yourself to be promoted to the next level. With Bob, she mentioned something about judo. In a judo competition, if you throw all of your being into a throw and your opponent could not have hit the mat harder, the judge raises one arm and shouts, "ippon." I don't know much about judo. But that's a good thing for the competitor who does it. And so, Bob's wife at the funeral service had every martial artist do that, as a way of recognizing that he lived and died giving everything he had. So Barb had us do the same and have a moment of silence for him. It was... really interesting. Barb... sometimes exudes the presence of God. And today... I had this mental image of God as a mist... kind of trickling around the room, touching each person.

Afterwards, Barb asked Steve to finish the back massage he started... and then she came and cracked my back. I feel SOOO much better now. But I wasn't perfect yet, so Cara gave me another massage with tiger balm, and that was when I had the second interesting thing of the night happen. I had a sort of epiphany... but not really. I kept letting my mind wander so I wouldn't think about the pain of the knots in my back. And it kept wandering to the wrong things, things that would make me tense up. With Steve, he would catch me doing it, and give me a little shake, and say, "Relax." And I would. With Cara, the first time I tensed up, she sort of did the same thing, but her attitude about it was completely different. She was extremely gentle, and yet, assertive. Barb said once that jujitsu has no genders on the mat. Gentleness, which is traditionally a feminine trait, is required of every jujitsuka, and that assertion or... go-for-it-ness... is a traditionally masculine trait that is also required. There are other traits too, but those are the ones she mentioned. And today when Cara told me to relax, it was one of the first times I noticed both qualities at the same time in someone. Even the other black belts... often its one following the other... but I've never noticed the two occur simultaneously. Perhaps I wasn't looking for it, until today. When Cara said relax, it was in a way that said, "there's no possible way you are going to resist relaxation." But it wasn't a forceful statement... I can't explain it really, except possibly by bringing up another something that Barb taught once.

She said that when we do a technique, it needs to be with a soft mind. If you do it with a hard mind, your opponent will sense it and resist. If you use a soft mind, they won't know what's coming at them, and won't resist, so its like you're forcing them without using force. So... all that to explain what I felt was bundled up into just one word from Cara: "relax."

And really... I relaxed so much that she was able to take the knot, move it around on my back to where she needed it to go, and eventually make it go away completely.

And after that... I risked undoing it by watching "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" with some friends. I didn't undo the massage though, because I didn't watch most of the movie. Most of it was spent with my face buried in Steve's armpit. I'm not good with scary movies. Anyway... in a weird way, it was educational... from a spiritual point of view. I don't want to change my perspective on the night, because I learned a lot in other areas too, and horror is not exactly my favorite educational tool. But... yeah. Anyway. Perhaps if I need to I'll write more on the subject later.

For now, I need to shower and sleep. Goodnight.

post #2

She crawled into the bed. Another night. What would this one bring? She put her head near his shoulder and took his hand. She wasn't tired, but they had to sleep. There was stuff to do in the morning. He turned over on his side, his arm bringing hers with it, around his waist, and she snuggled up against his back, just like always. But tonight, his back was a wall. She wondered what was going on, on the other side of that wall.

He lay there as she crawled into the bed next to him. He thought about kissing her, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. If she knew what he held inside. If she knew what he couldn't tell her, she wouldn't want to kiss him. She wouldn't want to be there. She would walk home alone at that hour and refuse his offer of driving her.

She lay there, hugging a wall, wondering why it was so solid and yet everything was crumbling around her. She didn't know what was happening, but she could feel the severing of the connection. She had to act before it was too late. She leaned forward and kissed his shoulder blade. It was the only thing she could think to do. She knew it wouldn't do anything to save them. But it happened on some primal instinct. She knew that she HAD to do it.

And now its been several months since she has seen his face. And she still thinks about the last time that she kissed him. She wonders if he was awake when it happened. She wonders if he knew.

post #1

I just talked to my mom. She's getting along with K, all of a sudden. Another arrow in my heart, telling me my past was screwed up, despite being perfect.

this weekend and beyond

I went home this weekend. G came to church on Sunday and it was interesting. I was hit by a wave of nostalgia again. Part of me doesn't want to go there anymore. Not because it hurts, but because it doesn't hurt and I somehow feel like it should. Like I shouldn't have moved on. I got to see someone (several someone's) who may or may not be related to me. It was a strange feeling, because it has extended into another generation. I guess that's it... I'm just feeling old. I know I'm not... but I feel it. Perhaps this is enhanced by the fact that I have a huge pain in my back from some unknown injury that I can't remember getting.

And then also... things have been happening that make me think...

I played Hamlet today in my Basic Theater Texts class. It was interesting. It made me think. Hamlet's a thinker. The monologue I did was about action. How Hamlet sees other people doing things, achieving the goals they want, chasing after the dreams they have, and wonders why he can't do that also, when he does have the strength and will and power to do it.

So that's what I was thinking. I have the strength and power and will to do two things. And one... I think is just fear holding me back. The other, like Hamlet's quest for vengeance on his uncle, is a little less defined. I have to be sure I want it first. I have to be sure the ghost is telling the truth. And I have to be sure that I'm not hung up on... the past.

Well... that was obscure. I think I'm going to start writing in my private journal again. I'm closing off... not on purpose. Maybe that's just how my life goes through different stages.

thinking

Spring is coming
And even though it snowed this morning
Spring is in the air
And the back of my mind.

The attic is full of dust and cobwebs and she wanders up the stairs. The sun filters in through the single dusty window, lighting up the sparkly dust in the air. Its a place long forgotten, a place of happy comfort. There's an old braided rug on the wooden floor, and a toy dinosaur lying on his side, long killed by some meteor or GI Joe. A box of doll clothes in the corner. She sinks onto the rug and turns her attention to a bookshelf. Rilla and Ken look wistfully from the cover of a book, and Hamlet beholds his father's ghost. The playmates she once knew wander through the dust of that attic, leaving footprints despite being ghosts.

What's that? Footfalls on the stairs? Two sets of eyes peer between the railing and a hand comes up, tossing a tiny seashell across the floor towards her. That is her memento of them, and as abruptly as they came, they leave. Another footfall sounds, and she realizes she's not alone. Yet another seashell. This time it is accompanied by a sprig of mountain laurel. Long dried, its flowers are dull and brown. He waves, she waves back, and watches as slowly, the brown flowers fade to tiny white goblets, and the leaves uncurl to their glossy green. Happy spring is here. In full bloom, right in the attic. Ghostly sparrows chirp and cross her trail, she sees a sight of camoflage pants, and ragged holes, and mint chocolate chip ice cream. The dusty attic smell can stay because it so closely resembles the mulch of spring, the squish of mud, the caked and dirty boots. The things and sights and smells so precious to her heart. Slowly the vision fades. The mulch begins to rot and the sights and sounds once precious are torn away by the passage of time.

Time brings adventure, and exploration of new lands, and freedom. She revels in the welcome breeze of a new place, and new sights and sounds. The breeze and warm heavy rain are almost enough to wash the pain from her heart at what she left behind. Faces dance before her in the misty afternoon sunlight filtering into the attic. Just as quickly, they too fade away.

Spring comes again, with a guitar and a dress and little clear marble. Sun shines brightly in the puddle at her feet, nearly blinding her. Happy times are once more before her, only to be taken away once more. Why does spring bring such emotion for her?

Again she departs for an adventure, explores new lands and freedoms. This time she notices the changes it brings to her. To who she really is. To her beliefs. The changes wrought in her bring contentment, yet intense pain to her heart.

There is a point between fall and winter where life seems to be utterly meaningless and useless. This is the opposite of spring, and she did her best to remain there. She didn't want to be reminded of the happy times that came before her departure. She didn't want to be reminded that life is not so simple as it once was.

She could stay in the land of the dead and hide from life for as long as she wanted. But life was determined to find her, in one form or another. She would not take the joys she'd once known, but there were others that would hunt her down. The sun began to fade, as she'd spent the entire day in that attic. The dust was no longer illuminated, and the walls faded to a metallic black. The creaky floorboards caught her attention, because they sounded suddenly different. The wind outside became a soft, clean whirring sound. Another footfall, this time she runs to the banister to look down. Yet another seashell... this one is made of glass. It has a soft brown color, which she thinks is so fitting. Happiness and light forces its way in, with sunshine and dragons and pretty ladies and flowers and doublets. She looks around the room. Luggage. A plane ticket. Change is coming again. The wind outside grows louder and a girl's voice calls out in another language. Where are you? And the window shatters in the wind, blowing the dust around her until the images of her past vanish.

The wind gets colder and she begins to shiver. A dim light begins to glow around her, and she feels the warmth radiating through her... not of happiness but the promise of healing. More voices, but she can't see them. She's confused and no longer knows which way to go to find more memories. She wonders if she should begin to clean the attic, but decides she likes it the way it is. Things long gone can be relived here. But things that aren't long gone cannot visit while she's here. She wishes there was a way to relive her memories and still live her life.

She sighs... spring is coming again. Is that good or bad?

la

Haven't posted in a while.

Valentine's day just happens to be also Steve's birthday. So Anissa and I made dinner for him... kind of a last minute thing. Otherwise maybe we'd invite more people. But it was a good happy memorable dinner. I really enjoyed myself, and Anissa and I had so much fun planning it. I think it was the most fun I've had planning either a birthday or a Valentine's day in quite a while. Andrew's birthday gift in August was fun. But other than that, a while means like, years.

I haven't posted much lately, cause I'm not doing so hot in some areas of my life. And I don't really feel like writing about them. That and I'm swamped with work right now. I have to read 159 pages of Frankenstein before 9:50 am. That's 5 hours. Ick. Not gonna happen.

Anyway... I'm just writing cause...

Andrew made my day today (Wednesday). Whether he meant to do this or not, something he did really touched my heart. And that's all.

my evening...

So, I went home for, well, something I don't really want to talk about... all I can sarcastically say is... no pressure.

But that was yesterday (Friday) and this is today. And I accompanied Doug to his friend's wedding. It was cool. Non-traditional and cool. I had a good time, its fun being dressed up once in a while, and... its not something I would do every Saturday night, so it was good to do something out of the norm.

Weddings always make me think about my wedding. When I actually get to that part of my life. I think I probably wrote this for the last wedding that I went to, so I won't really go into too much detail. Gee... the last wedding I went to must have been Dave and Jen's. That was a long time ago. Feels like it anyway. I was still on speaking terms with... mmm... back to tonight.

Where was I? Non-traditional... gorgeous pink sequiny dress. No attendants. That's where I was going with this. I was thinking about my wedding. Is this possible: modern traditional? Like... I want a traditional wedding... white dress, bouquet and garter toss, toast by the best man, father-daughter dance... etc. But at the same time, I want to do other, non-traditional things. The bridal party, for example. Why are they always women? Some of my closest friends are guys. I would feel horrible leaving them out, 'cause traditionally, the bride picks the bridesmaids/MoH, and the groom picks the groomsmen/best man. So... little things like that, I'd switch up a bit. So, I'd give the illusion of it being a totally traditional wedding, but then add little quirks. 'Cause I think sometimes that is sorta how my personality is. And... I have a feeling that the groom at my wedding might be the same way.

Or... haha. Building off Doug's idea. The wedding march, nice, traditional song. Play it in polyphonic ringtones.

Nahh...

Anyway. Rewind a bit back to tonight. The cocktail hour was fun. I can't remember the names of the people I met. But in the course of that hour, Rutgers, jujitsu, judo, and theater/Mason Gross came up a couple times. It was cool bashing Mason Gross... I mean. Did I say that?

The reception was good too. I liked the center pieces. I realized at the end they were gardenias, my mom's favorite flower. The only way I knew though, is that my nose cleared up towards the end (I'm allergic to mom's guinea pig so I was stuffy) and I could smell the gardenias. They looked like rose/orchid things. So I couldn't tell till I smelled them.

Anyway, big thank you to Doug for inviting me. It was good.

Now I have to go work on a top secret project for Tuesday. Goodnight everyone!

a rare event

Its not every day I will tell you all exactly what I'm thinking. But I'm feeling generous, so here's a running mental commentary on today's events.

Wake up.

What time is it? My alarm didn't go off, AGAIN.

Check the time and the alarm.

Its set properly. What the heck. Maybe its time to get a new clock. This one has strange memories associated with it anyway.

Walk to the kitchen.

Hi Molly. No, go away Molly. Oh, Sam's here. Huh. Wonder if I'll ever eat anything besides cereal for breakfast on a school day.

Go back to my room. Brit wrote to me about the Gospels.

Ehh... Gonna be late for class. Get off of me Molly.

Run to the bus. Get to my 9:50 class. The teacher from the lecture before is still talking. I sit down to wait for that class to end. A woman walks past on the linoleum floor in stilletto heels. TAP TAP TAP...

Oh, COME ON... Godzilla has a louder entrance than that. You can do better, go back to the doorway and start over again. Don't give me that look. You're just jealous of my NIKES!!

Another woman enters, quieter heels though. She goes upstairs. She has a really cheerful voice. I know because I could hear her all the way down the hall and down the staircase. "HI Iris, how are you doing??!" Iris is even more cheerful. "I'm GREAT!! How about you?"

Why the heck is everyone so cheerful today? Why won't this professor shut up? He sounds like a bumble bee, just droning on and on... Gee the class is running really late. What time is it? WHAT? 8:30?? How can it be 8:30 if I set my alarm for 8:50?

It sinks in.

WHY HAVE I SUDDENLY FORGOTTEN HOW TO READ A DIGITAL CLOCK???

Yeah so that's my day so far. I'm going to sleep. Because I lost an hour of sleep in the mix somehow.

as if I haven't posted enough

There's an article about the 10 worst Valentine's Day gifts to give someone.

I disagree with the first one. Flowers totally depend on the person. Example, I'd be thrilled if my boyfriend gave me red roses. More thrilled if they were orange or yellow roses. But roses are good. Tulips are bad. So are daffodils. But other people might love tulips. So there's really no way of knowing if that is a bad gift.

And lol... this part made me laugh: "Do the math: Out of every box of 15 assorted chocolates, a woman will probably have three or so favorites. And there’s all that crazy, frou-frou wrapping as part of the picture—enough satin and ribbon to fashion a child’s princess-bride Halloween costume. So what would you rather get? Three chocolates you want and 21 you don't—along with a lot of excess red metallic cardboard? Or a small box of something you actually like?"

Anyway... my two cents. I'm not giving or receiving Valentine's gifts that day, but some of you are, so I thought I'd pass along that little nugget of wisdom. No chocolates. Chocolates bad. (Honestly, the author is a WOMAN, how can she possibly say not to give chocolate on Valentine's Day??)

Whatever.

wow

So, God is cool.

I'm writing a script for an easter play... and I've been stressing about it. And avoiding it.

And while that may be a bad thing, the good that came from it was that I spent more time reading the gospels and comparing the stories about Jesus life and death. And I wouldn't have spent that time if I weren't writing the script so slowly.

And if I hadn't spent that time reading, I never would have noticed this one tiny little verse. In the 6 years I spent at a Christian school, and then spending all this time at church and stuff... I am amazed I never noticed this one part of the Easter story before.

Matthew 27:50 - 53 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

I've read the gospels, but I've never analyzed them, and never from a theatrical perspective. But... that's fascinating. Just think what would have happened if The Passion of the Christ had been made by someone other than Mel Gibson. Peter Jackson. Or Steven Spielburg. It would give the story a completely different look.

And... it made me learn a little more about the gospels. They also tell the same story... but from different perpectives. So, I never knew what to say to people who tell me I shouldn't believe the Bible because the gospels all contradict themselves. But now, I know. Picture Mel Gibson, Mel Brooks, Steven Spielburg, and Roberto Benigni all telling the same story. Its like that. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are telling the same story.

So... cool. I kinda learned something today.

On a separate note... I used to have writer's callouses on my middle finger, from holding a pen. Sadly, these are gone. The callouses are now on my wrists from resting in front of the keyboard. EEP!

Senioritis

Senioritis is an actual, physical ailment. I had no idea it could be this acute, and I didn't realize it was possible to say, "I suffer from senioritis." I now understand so much more about a certain part of my past that I never understood before.

On another note... I never sent that email. But I did send a different one. And Anissa was right. There's a certain little element of hope involved in it somehow, hope that maybe something will happen. Even when that hope is least intended, its there. I don't regret sending it. I regret needing to.

monsters

I'm taking a comparative literature class about monsters. Basically we read stuff and then discuss what makes a monster, people's perceptions of monsters, etc.

Today we watched Nosferatu, based on Bram Stoker's Dracula. Its a silent film, the only dialogue being written on the screen in still frames. Made me think of something I read once:

Head Photographer: The lead actress wants you to know she doesn't like her lines.
Director: I don't care! This is a silent film! She's gonna say those lines!

Anyway... random bits of not-humor.

From an acting perspective, it was very interesting. Melodramatic. Makes me wish the theater department would make us watch stuff like that so that we know what they're talking about when it comes to the history of theater.

The subject matter brought me back to... sophomore year? When Kevin took that seminar on Dracula and I proofread his 30 page paper. Fascinating.

The effect the movie had on me was interesting. It reminded me of the samurai class I took last year. In the samurai class, there was an old black and white movie that we watched... that had very little blood and guts, but some how made me almost lose my lunch. I think filmmakers were better back then. This movie today too... if I had watched it late at night with Anissa/Steve/Sam/Andrew/James/anyone else, I'd probably have my face buried in someone's armpit. I couldn't finish watching War of the Worlds, because I'm not good with horror/scary films. Nosferatu is so much creepier, yet it was filmed in such a way that the viewer is sort of roped in. You can't leave, you MUST watch it to the end. War of the Worlds is so flashy I think, with fancy mechanics and what-not, that the rope-you-in element is lost, and I was given the opportunity to leave before the end and took it. Nosferatu is a horror movie in that it really controls you and keeps you in your seat.

Which makes me think of something that's been simmering in my mind lately. On Thursday, Barb had us doing jujitsu stuff blindfolded. Stimes, throws, hand techniques, grappling. It was really interesting. I somehow felt more focused when the element of sight was taken away. I think sometimes using all my senses at once can be decieving. So taking sight away, focuses me more on just sound and touch. It would be difficult to do this, but I'd be interesting in finding out how jujitsu works without some of the other senses. Like maybe have my eyesight, but lose the sense of sound. Or seeing and hearing myself do the art, without feeling my body. That would be the hardest to figure out how to simulate that.

But anyway... this all ties into Nosferatu because it is, in a sense, the same principle. You take away the elements of sound effects, spoken dialogue, and even color, and the remaining parts of the film become so much more meaningful. You focus more on other things, and you see what is really important in the making of a riveting film. I sort of get this from jujitsu, but its about the least effort possible. If you can make a riveting film without using sound, digital enhancement, fancy flashy explosions, etc... then you shouldn't. Because all that is just excess trappings and hodgepodge.

Just like how in some cases, being able to see what you're doing in jujitsu can be excess trappings and hodgepodge. Of course, not in all cases. But for me... there are some things that I now would prefer to do without relying so heavily on eyesight.

I wonder what else that applies to in life? Hmmm... several things come to mind.

Thanks for following my random thoughts going all over the place.

Dear...

You owe me an explanation. Everywhere I go, I see you. You follow me like a shadow and watch me like a hawk. You weasel your way into my thoughts and then you have the nerve to find me in my dreams. You must really have a crush on me. I don't blame you but... sometimes I think you are taking things too far.

Thank you.
~M

If you don't get it, then you need to hang out with me on Saturday. We're gonna watch the movie.

politics?

This is, surprisingly, a political post. I don't normally write political posts because, frankly, I don't like conflict. And I don't like having two friends who would tear each other (or me) apart for saying something they don't like. But this has been kind of simmering at the back of my mind for some time now.

Politicians are stupid. Politics are stupid. The ideal, perfect form of government is a monarchy because its people could have complete trust in a leader and not have to make any decisions. The reason people should not be allowed to make decisions is that they, like the politicians, are stupid. Take for example the guy sitting next to me in the computer lab. His computer card says he should be sitting at computer 431. However, because he was allowed to make a decision, he went to computer 141, thus taking the computer on my card, and trying to hide the fact that he's doing it by putting his card in backwards. Because of that, I am sitting at 142. When the person with the 142 card came up, they left their card next to me in hopes I would notice my supposed mistake, but I was so absorbed in being annoyed at the other guy that I didn't notice until they had left. So now I have two cards. But when you really think about it, all three of us were stupid. Things would have been so much better if one person had made the decision for us: "You need to tell her she's at the wrong computer, YOU need to tell HIM he's at the wrong computer, and he's just an idiot." Unfortunately, earth has no perfect monarchy because leaders corrupt themselves. Continuing along my current analogy, the monarch of the computer lab probably would not have solved the problem, but instead would have done something like this: "HAHAHA You're all idiots! I'm taking all three of your computers. In fact I'm taking all 400 computers, and I'm going to use them to get RICH!" Which is why I'm still ok living in America. It is in a sense the next best thing.

However, a representative republic such as this one is also a scary thing. Instead of allowing one corrupt leader to rule, we are allowing the entire nation to be evil rulers together. This is because I believe humankind is naturally evil. To be good, one must work for it. Otherwise being good would not be such a praiseworthy thing.

So... I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Its more just a general rant against politics. I'm not promoting any particular party in this blog entry because right now, they're all stupid in my mind.

Hmm... that was a weird mindset I woke up in. Perhaps it has to do with falling asleep reading French philosophy on the existance of monsters.

Anyway... back to your regularly scheduled randomness. I have a papercut. That is all.

I forgot

I forgot to mention the butterfly.

In that massage class, there's one other thing that the teacher had us do... to help the person receiving the massage, we do gentle stretches of their arms, legs, and back. To help them relax, we first relax ourselves, and then comes the butterfly.

Put the thumb of your left hand lightly on their forehead, on the "third eye." Put the thumb of your right hand on top of your left thumb. Then let your fingers drape down the sides of their head, slightly over the temples. Hold this for 15-30 seconds, I can't remember the exact number that she said. I'll have to ask her. Then remove your hands in the opposite order, so, lift your fingers, then remove your thumbs.

As the person giving the massage, you are supposed to imagine your fingers are a butterfly lightly landing on a fragile flower. When I was the person receiving the massage, it was amazing. I was lying in my secret place with the sun shining down on my face, and I can't tell you where exactly it was or it wouldn't be a secret, but I will tell you it was a grassy meadow of sorts. And all of a sudden, the biggest butterfly I have ever seen came dancing over and landed on my forehead. I remembered being 6 years old and chasing butterflies, wishing they would just ONCE sit still long enough so I could get a decent look at them. I didn't chase to catch, I only wanted to get close. But this one gave me the honor of sitting right there on my forehead, and I couldn't help but smile. It was incredible.

The other thing I wanted to write about is not quite as happy as what I just wrote, but its nothing to worry about. I was sitting at Anissa's reading my Ancient Near East history book, and I read something about violence. And then my mind started to wander so I started thinking about the violence in New Brunswick, which led to what if I'm attacked, which led to grappling with an attacker, which led to grappling with dojo members on jujitsu nights, which led to freestyle and the competition in CA, which led to the fact that there's no division for my rank which means I have to compete against people who outrank me, which led to testing for the next rank, and then all of a sudden I got really nervous about testing. And suddenly I had somehow read a whole page in my history book without comprehending it, and the nervousness went away. It was weird. The first time you test for a rank, its ok to be nervous cause you don't know what's coming. But now, I know what to expect for gokyu, and I know that I know my stuff, so there's no reason to be nervous. Maybe it was just remnants of nervousness that I buried way down deep from last year. I dunno. It was odd. Its gone now though.

"To me it felt like a sense of abandon, a kind of falling. It was not 'wild' but it was total."
~Cyrus

In one sense, I am learning every day how to feel like this. In a completely different sense, I mastered it once. And it was one of the best moments in my life. Which is more motivation to relearn it.

What gets me though... is why I unlearned it in the first place.

cold

So... the heater in my room hasn't been warm in 12 days. Our thermostat is in the living room which stays warm. So the system thinks every room in the house is warm. But my room has 6 windows. Thank God my mom gave me a down blanket for Christmas.

I mentioned that I was going to write about the massage class.

The teacher began by explaining to us about our bodies. It was really interesting. She said all the water and cells flowing through your body rub against each other to create elecricity. So there's basically an electrical field around your body. A lot of religious groups or cultures will refer to it as chi, an aura, or an Indian word I can't pronounce. But they make something mystical out of it when really, the way she described it, it took all the mysticism away and was very straight-forward, and physical.

Then she had us reach out and touch it. We spread our hands about shoulder length away from each other and slowly move them closer, eyes closed. At some point, the electrical fields overlap and you feel a change in pressure, heat, magnetism... whatever. People had different ways of describing it.

It was really eye-opening. I mean, I've felt spirits before, of people, demons, angels, and God. But it was on a spiritual level. When I put my hands together today, I felt like I was touching my spirit with my physical hands. Like I was crossing some sort of boundary.

Then she talked about how a massage therapist needs to be centered and relaxed in order to help their patient be centered and relaxed. So she taught us how to center ourselves and I think I needed that a lot. It would be very helpful for the days when I'm not all there in jujitsu and need to focus but can't.

Basically, its the same concept as something we do as a theater exercise, but with a different goal in mind, because obviously, theater has a different purpose than massage. But she told us to imagine a place where we are happy and content, with a warm radiating light above our heads, and go to that place whenever we need to center ourselves.

I went to a secret place from my high school years, some of the happiest years of my life. The sun was shining, filtering through tree leaves so it sparkled on my eyelids. And it was in the warmth of late spring. And my body was whole, healthy, pre-jujitsu injuries, during the time when I danced and ran track and walked horses for exercise. And no one was with me. No one could follow me, no one knew where I was. What's more... certain people did not exist. The past was not the past yet. There was no pain in my heart. So now... I can't wait for spring to come. So I can go home, and go on a sort of pilgrimage. I want to be there for real. I want to go visit that place, 'cause I miss it.

But anyway... bottom line is... that's what the teacher had us do... a mental exercise to get us focused. And I think from now on, when I'm struggling in jujitsu, I'm gonna try going there. I wanna see what happens when I do jujitsu in that place. Perhaps I'll go there so often that I won't have to work to get there anymore.

It will be interesting to see what develops from this.

Ok that's all. Beginner jujitsu class was today too. That was fun. But it was just practice for me today. It'll be good to go back to the basics to make sure I'm strong in all that stuff. Cool.

Goodnight.

modelling

Remind me to talk about the massage class. Later.

I have a job modeling costumes for the Rutgers Costume History class. Today was (I believe) Restoration... so, white curly wigs, petticoats for men, long jackets to hide the bellies, and women's dresses showing a tad more skin up top near the neck.

Picture a scene from The Three Musketeers, or The Count of Monte Cristo. Here, maybe this will be better.


So, I have this gorgeous black skirt on, with a reddish top, and gold buttons and lace and a bustle and hoopskirt I can't breathe in, and pins so tight I feel them when I breathe. And we had to pose in different positions while the students drew us. So, on the teacher's direction, I took a seat, the male model knelt in front of me, and then (improv) he put his hand on my thigh. So... random thoughts going through my head, as I've never met this guy before, and can't even remember his name, I'm thinking, "If I were in 2006 and jeans, I'd contemplate katate tori." But then I think... its not really 2006, and somehow, the costume changes you. His costume was a sort of pompous, flair-ish, regal sort of costume. Being in costume put us into the late 17th century, and it was odd, but it made his actions sort of... necessary. Not like I could do anything about it. Any slight hip movements make the pins pop.

So, I'm seated, looking at him, he's kneeling in front of me with his hand on my thigh (not horrible- it was lower thigh, almost knee) and he looks me in the eyes and says, "I have something to tell you" in a sort of deep, breathless voice. I'm thinking, "Ok, we're in the theater department, he's probably a theater major, improv actor or something. I'll play along." So I said, "What would you like to tell me?"

"I just saved fifteen percent on car insurance by switching to Geico."

Have you ever heard the term "almost bust a stitch laughing?" Yeah I think that originated in the 17th century.

Unfortunately, my camera battery died and I didn't get any pictures. Oh well. :-(

Dear God...

I looked at my life today, like through a dirty window. Its been so long since I even acknowledged that the window was there. I couldn't see much, but it was still a window. I saw enough. I saw that there were so many times when I thought I'd lost you. There were so many times when I cried out into the night saying, "God isn't next to me anymore." I was upset that I'd gotten so close to you, and upset that "the higher you climb the farther you fall." And then I didn't care. I didn't care that I was in a valley and you weren't there next to me. That was the worst. Not caring is the worst feeling in the world.

But I looked in that window and I discovered something. When I wanted you to walk beside me, you weren't there. I couldn't see you anymore. I couldn't hear your voice. I couldn't feel your touch. Where were you?

And you know what I saw? While I was walking blindly without you, you were farther on ahead, building the path I was walking on. And your path took me so close to monsters. And cliffs. And directions I didn't want to be on. But each new twist in the path was planned in your lesson book. I see now that you took me past those awful landmarks in order to add another patch to my vest, another kyu to my rank. Barely even noticing, you were taking me to places I could not have gone if I had you next to me to hold my hand.

Thank you for making me work to get here. I've never had to work so hard at life before. It hurts, but in the end, I'm stronger. And I've learned some things. And now I can see things coming around the corner, and I wonder where you're taking me next. And I long for the day when you won't have to go ahead of me and construct the pathway but will walk beside me once again and keep me by your side. Until then!

Your Girl,
~M

post #2

Not your typical Harlequin romance.
Please note that this is a work of fiction.

Mom answered the phone and handed it to Mara. Odd, since Mara doesn't normally get calls.

"Hello?" It was Yosef. She smiled. He's such a great friend. They chatted for almost 4 hours, also odd, since Mara doesn't normally talk too much, especially on the phone. Bottom line...

"Mara, you're a really nice girl... and the more I think about it, the more... I don't know... I was wondering... I really like you. Can we go on a date sometime?"

Awkward for both of them. Yosef, because he genuinely had lost his tongue in nervousness. Mara, because no one had ever said anything like that before. Mara had to think about it.

And she thought a long time. She was struggling because she REALLY wanted to date someone. But she felt that Yosef was more a friend and brother to her. She didn't want to ruin a relationship just because she couldn't wait for the right guy to come along. And... she could feel God warning her.

Yosef taught her how to speak. How to express herself, and how to communicate with guys. She'd never known how to do that before. And even though some painful things happened afterwards, they didn't date, and she regretted it for a time. But then she realized exactly why God had warned her, and she was grateful that she had listened.

And on the 1-year anniversary of that life-changing phone call, Kyle asked Mara if he could talk with her. And this time, Mara was prepared. She was nervous. She was afraid her family might have a problem with Kyle. She hoped they would not make a race issue out of it. She hoped they would be understanding and... modern, if one can use that word. They sat down in the warm spring air and Mara listened as Kyle said the words she had known he would say.

She took a deep breath. And jumped into the unknown. "I'd like that very much."

They dated for a long time. And her family didn't have a problem with Kyle. Mara knew that everything had happened in God's perfect timing. What's more, Yosef and Mara were able to remain friends. In time, they would drift away, for external circumstances beyond their control. But Kyle and Mara were happy. Mara thought there was serious potential in Kyle. She thought he was the one. She expected that when they were done with school, he would propose.

But then, long before school was out, she noticed the flame in them was dying. Kyle had noticed it too, and eventually, they both gathered up the courage to talk about it. They discovered that their relationship for a time had been a security blanket, dating in order to feel secure. Somehow they had allowed it to change, or it had changed with out their noticing. But they had to face the fact that, although they still had feelings for each other, although they had been able to love with 100% of their hearts, something was not right with their relationship. "Something was rotten in the state of Denmark" as Shakespeare so eloquently put it.

So they broke up. Mara was devastated. She felt lost, and alone. She felt extremely vulnerable being "back on the market" as the horrible saying goes. Mara and Kyle tried to remain friends. But eventually, they decided it was hurting them just to hang out and talk, even with other people around. Mara knew it was for the best. But secretly, she discovered that loving someone with 100% of your heart can destroy a friendship when its over. She vowed she would never love anyone with 100% of her heart again. As the months went on, she toyed with ideas of being stubborn and not having a relationship again, but couldn't deny her heart. She knew one day she would find someone and marry. But she liked to pretend she would have that one pure love in her heart for the rest of life, and none other.

More months passed, and she met Zack. He was fun to be around. He was a good friend. She was learning how to be friends with guys, without having a dating relationship with them. She felt he was her best friend, and that she could confide in him with anything she wanted to talk about. Even girl talk. Even stuff about the awful cramps she got every month. And he loved it. Zack listened to her. Zack had crazy ideas.

As time went on, Mara noticed that she thought about Zack a lot. She still thought about Kyle. But the time away from him allowed her to notice things she'd never noticed before. Things that bothered her that her rose-colored love glasses had filtered out. She looked at Zack and couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be in his arms. And at the same time, he was having the same thoughts about her. It was one of those things that sneaks up on you, when you least expect it.

Mara was thrown into a turmoil. Zack was, to use the vulgar phrase, a wasp. White, Anglo Saxon Protestant. What's more, he was one of those pentecostals. Mara thought her Eastern Orthodox family would be turned off by such a vast difference in culture and religion. But she thought of Kyle, and her family's acceptance of him. She closed her eyes, crossed her fingers, trusted in the love of her family, and kissed him.

And that was when she realized she'd broken her promise. She had allowed herself to love again. But somewhere in the mix, she'd lost touch with her heart. She knew she was in love. But she couldn't tell if it was with 100% of her heart. She suspected not, because a part of her heart had gone away when Kyle left. But all she could think about was that she was in love and couldn't help herself.

Slowly, Mara realized that all good things must come to an end. She fought it though. With Kyle, she had quietly gone along with the flame she felt dying in her heart. With Zack, the flame still burned brightly in her heart, but she could see his was turning cold. She didn't know what to do about it. She didn't know why it was happening. But she saw it and trusted God to help her through it.

And, as she feared, Zack asked Mara to go for a walk with him. She spent the rest of the day crying that something so bright and lovely had burned out so quickly. She smiled through her tears when she thought of the memories she had. They were precious, beautiful memories. Long nights in each other's arms, and the passionate, stolen kisses they had shared while cleaning the shed out back. She had never shared that with Kyle, she kicked herself for comparing them, smiled through her tears at her memories of both, and then kicked herself for allowing a friend to become a lover. She felt guilty for ruining her friendship with Zack; now... she couldn't talk to him as much. She realized fate had somehow caught up with her, and the friendship she'd saved with Yosef had led to losing her close friendship with Zack. History had somehow repeated itself, and she'd lost Kyle, and was losing Zack. She was afraid the same thing might happen. She was afraid she and Zack would not be able to see each other without hurting.

But, as things tend to go, each stage in her life leads to something to be learned. And this was the beginning of a stage in which Mara enjoyed close physical contact with her circle of friends in a non-sexual way. Being single again allowed her to be free. It allowed her to do things without thinking of "the boyfriend." But this plan backfired, as several things happened at once.

Zack, in his distancing, grew close to Lucy (whose name has been changed here to protect the innocent. or guilty. or whatever she is. bottom line is the name's different.) Mara was bothered by this but said nothing, as she also was getting close to someone. But, when Suman seemed to be enjoying their time together more than she was comfortable with, Mara was disturbed. She was not ready for another relationship just yet.

She looked in the mirror and wondered what she was doing with her life. She thought about the lion cubs she'd once seen at the zoo. They didn't have to worry about love. They were fat and happy, eating food provided for them and wrestling in the sunshine of a suburban metropolis.

"They have some life," she thought. "Yosef taught me to communicate with words. Kyle taught me to love completely and purely. Zack taught me to communicate with touch. And now I've learned to take that touch and share a special closeness with my friends. Just as I'm sure those cubs once did as newborns, to keep warm and snuggly near their mother."

A thought struck Mara. "But now, they are a little older. Now, they play fight. Now they pretend they are killing each other." Mara wondered what it would be like to be a lion cub at that age. She wondered if she was entering a new stage of her life.

Still hurting, she hoped she wouldn't mess anything else up. And she turned from her mirror to her window, to look out on the world.

Post #1 tonight

This is an update. I have two posts I have to write tonight, instead of reading a French philosopher talk about existance that was assigned for a class about monsters. Honestly. The two have nothing to do with each other. And since this is my last semester, I plan on getting a decent grade in the class without actually learning a thing. Partly because the teacher doesn't teach anything. So how can I learn it.

Anyway... I got up and went to church where Anissa played her violin. It was a good service. I miss being able to feel like I belong in a church. Christ Community is nice, but its not my home church. And I don't always feel welcome in my home church anymore. So... I miss belonging.

And then Anissa and Steve and I had lunch before going to a memorial service for Darlene, one of the black belts in our dojo. I never met her because she left long before I got there (maternity leave and then cancer). However, when she died, Barb said something in class about being able to let go completely, and not hold on to anything, is demonstrated to its full extent in death. A lot of people will slip into a coma and most of their body dies but one system still functions, like the kidneys or something. They are holding on. Darlene didn't do that. She let go in life, but since I didn't know her, letting go in death was what touched me more. So I felt like I was sort of obligated to come to the memorial. Even though we never met, she still caused Barb to say something that affected my life. I even had "sutemi" and "let go" as the greeting on my phone for a while. That's a legacy for a black belt- even when she's gone, people are still learning from her, because she's not completely gone.

So, Barb did a little ceremony for her during the memorial service. It was... interesting. In a powerful way. From the moment I got to my seat, I could feel a sparkle in the air. The room was... spiritually charged. If I ever had any doubt that jujitsu is more than just a physical art, I could point to today and say, "look at that." Barb had all of the jujitsuka stand at the front, and she lit candles, tracing the flame from the founder of jujitsu down through the senseis to Darlene, with her black belt in the center. After explaining a bit about who, what, why we were doing that, etc, Barb counted to 3 in Japanese and we kiaied.

First of all... Scott and Rob, who knew Darlene well, were fighting tears throughout the ceremony. It was... not disturbing. But something to note. I guess, I know them well, I care about them, and they sorta take care of me, keep an eye out for me. So to see them like that... I wanted to just take them and hold them and then shake them and tell them to stop fighting, tears aren't bad. But, it was the middle of the service.

And then the kiai. When they translate it "spirit yell" I think it couldn't have been better named. Most of the time, I do it wrong, when I have today to compare to. Because I didn't know Darlene, I'm not exactly grieving for her. But a lot of the jujitsuka are. And the kiais that I heard today... they were releasing their spirits for a brief second and I felt all that pain in their hearts manifest itself as a physical shout. And mine was... one of the strongest I've ever done. I guess in a sense, it was my way of being there for them. Most of the time, their kiais (because a lot of them outrank me) are stronger and more experienced than mine. Today it was different... they were still strong. But the pain alongside it was there... and... I don't really know how to explain what I'm trying to say. But that kiai is definitely one of the more memorable kiais I have heard/felt.

All in all... I spent a lot of my time in church today. And then I went to jujitsu. So its like I spent a lot of my time overlapping church with jujitsu. Which is also an interesting concept. It got me thinking... If you're reading this... and it just so happens that you end up outliving me... tell my family I want a nod to jujitsu at my funeral. You don't have to bury me in my gi. You don't have to be all elaborate, or say anything about it on my tombstone. But kiai for me, so I can hear you all the way to where I am. Even if you have to fight for it. Fight tooth and nail to get that at my funeral. That'd be awesome.

And after you do... perhaps what will happen will be something like what happened today. There was a sort of release. Our ears were sort of ringing from the shout, and in that time of pausing, there was a giant sigh, but not from my physical body, from my spirit. And then... that was it. The energy charging the room was released, even though the service still went on.

So... that's post one. Today was a really intriguing day for me.

Oh... and jujitsu seems to be getting better. My old injuries are back to their old tricks again, so I feel more at home. No more losing control of my focus while working out. Nothing triggering that. S'all good. Except that when I roll I wince in pain. And I can't stand up after I take a fall. And it hurts me more than it hurts my Uke when I'm doing a choke. But... that's normal haha.

Ok. On to post #2.

sigh

The pain is back. I wonder if it will ever go away completely. I wonder how long I'll hold onto it. I wonder if I'll ever trust God enough to let Him heal me. I have trust issues. I've discovered that recently.

Its been affecting my stomach too. And Barb said something to Anissa about a point on the neck that releases emotions when you massage it. It makes me wonder how much emotion is actually tied into the physical aspect of the body.

It doesn't help that I no longer know the source of the pain anymore either. It seems like things have compounded (funny I used that word in describing my recent back pain to Barb and Rob) so that all sorts of past events all result in the same throbbing pain in my chest and knuckles.

Its weird. I'm one of the most trusting people I know. Sometimes that's a downfall. And yet, I can't trust God, I can't trust myself, and I can't trust the people I'm close to right now.

Guess I should sleep. I'm going to church in the morning. Anissa's playing the violin.

teary

What I said to a friend:

"He's extremely protective of you, whether he has a right to or not. and i don't know for sure if those are his reasons, but i can understand why he doesn't want to let you get too close to what's going on inside him."

And then God turned it around and said the same thing to me. "You're in the same situation as she is. You know what it feels like to be protected like that, even when you try as hard as you can NOT to protect your heart. There are other people watching out for you, and you need to let go, let them protect you, even if that means they have to pull away from you to do it. They really truly care for you and because of that, they are sacrificing something in order to make sure your heart stays safe. Do them a favor and help them protect you."

And... when I heard that... I allowed myself to feel the pain I've been locking away for a while. And... I'd forgotten how much it hurt. And how healing it is to allow myself to feel it.

And its inspired me somewhat to include it in a project I've been working on.

realization

I was just thinking back on my college experience. I discovered that before I started jujitsu, I didn't have anyone at Rutgers except Kevin whose shoulders I was able to cry on.

Cheers!

She's got something on her mind tonight
She's thinking maybe she'll speak up this time
But then they all have other things to say
And she watches as the paper crane flies away.

He's thinking maybe one day he'll tell the truth,
But he's afraid of what it will do
And walls it up inside for another day
Wondering why the paper crane has gone away.

So here's to the opportunities gone by,
Here's to the cranes who still can't fly.
Drink a toast to all those things unsaid,
Drink until the cranes are dead.

Edit: After I posted that, I found these on postsecret.com. I decided to save them to my computer, because they strike a chord somewhere deep inside me. There's something haunting about unspoken words... The thought ends up being a whisper and echo of what could have been.

gears turning...

So... there's been a lot of stuff happening lately pertaining to my future. Not my permanent future, like career-wise. But just... the near future. Like in the next year or so. Well, in reality, a lot of ideas, but not a whole lot of anything else.

There's one that's been on my mind. I can't even remember who came up with this idea, maybe it was me, but I don't know. But it was suggested that all of the people who are looking for a place to stay next year should get an apartment together. That would mean a lot of jujitsu people, plus a couple of others. And initially I thought, "Wow, that would be really awesome. They're all awesome people."

And now I'm thinking about it for real. And I'm thinking about my roommates now. And trying to project things into the future. And I'm thinking... when one of us forgets to put the garbage out, or leaves dishes in the sink... well, we all have our quirks. And most of us would know jujitsu. ("Put that dish away!" *Does Ashi Karami*) We would all kill each other I think. But y'know what? We would have SOOO much fun doing it!! And we would have no dishes left.

Maybe I'll stay with my parents and work at Frank's Italian Restaurant. I need a break from theater. I should try and do that summer stock theater internship that Karen wants me to be involved in. But I don't have the drive right now. My theater lover is low on fuel. Honestly, theater is awesome. But I could just as easily see myself cleaning and cooking for people. Any people. Not necessarily starting a family. But not behind the scenes hotel-type work either. Just something interacting with people, and helping them out. There's nothing I really want to do for the rest of my life. There are tons of things I want to do. But eventually I will want to move on.

What am I saying... eventually, I will come back to theater. I have left it so many times and still I find myself walking back behind that curtain again.

What about missionary work? I once believed I might one day care for orphans in a foreign country. Surprising... Me, the girl who doesn't like children. And look at me helping at the jujitsu kid's class, and loving it haha. And my first job was as a mother's helper. And I babysat for years. And still... I didn't like children.

I just want to be happy. Honestly I could be happy in a lot of places, doing a lot of things. But will they be the right things?

Ok... I haven't mentioned God a lot on this blog in the past few months. Its 'cause... well I'm not sure why. But... I know He put me here for a reason. I know He put me here to influence people's lives. But how, in what way, in what capacity... I haven't figured that out yet. I haven't been listening properly. Because... well... I don't know why. I guess I could use the word jaded... but that's not really a good excuse. In a sense... there is something scary about stepping into the shoes you're supposed to wear. Especially if you don't know what size they are, or how long you'll end up wearing them, or how big the footprints will be, who will see them, how far will you walk.

Has it been fear keeping me from hearing You all along?

today

Well... I've been to a bunch of cathedrals in Italy and Austria. They're nice. They're big and majestic. And sometimes they just want to attract tourists. And sometimes they don't care who comes, they just stand silently and watch over a city, and if you want you can go in and talk with God.

But I've never been to a Catholic service until today. St. Helena's was nice. Its still Christmas there. I like that. And... confession: I didn't really listen too much, because I was talking to God. There was a lot happening today. But that's what churches are for, getting closer to God. How can you get closer to God if you don't have a conversation?

Then I came back to my apartment. And I realized I took a beating yesterday in jujitsu. I was doing stuff I shouldn't know yet, because I'm still a lowly blue belt. So today I'm moving a little stiffly haha. But I had such a good time doing it. Maybe Barb was trying to entice us all to test for Gokyu. Which, might I add, is still a blue belt haha. Just a higher rank.

And now I'm trying to decide what non-credit classes to take. Besides jujitsu, I think maybe massage, but not Barb's massage, because I have class. I dunno. There are so many classes that pique my interest. Several different dance classes. But I don't have as much time as I think I have.

Anyway... I've got more to say but... for some reason I can never say it. I guess that's the purpose of this blog. When I finally get out what I want to get out, that's when I'll stop writing.

Good news!!

Ok so I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is for another post. The good news is: remember that prompt book that I spent two straight days perfecting at the end of last semester? I went to get it today.

"Meghan. Your work here is quite good and thorough and your growth from the initial prelims to the finals submelled? [her handwriting is horrible] here is ENORMOUS. You should be quite pleased. I am not sure you are quite ready to take the helm of a show- my instinct says you need some more depth of understanding BUT this is excellent work deserving of an A for the book and the course. I don't generally give As if I don't think you are ready to do a show but your hard work and the development from prelims to final makes you deserving and especially considering that you aren't a stage management major. Well done! Carol."

HEHE!! Even though it basically says "Since you aren't Mason Gross I didn't think you'd do it" I was still on cloud 9 when I got my book back haha. And the fact that when she handed it to me, she remembered it was good. And the fact that when I talked to Marshall Jones, my advisor, he said Carol was telling him how good my prompt book was. Yay me!!

Pat on back. The bad news is also about me but that'll be for another time, since I'm kinda in a rush right now. Its nothing major. Its barely even bad. Ok running out. Bye.

books and jujitsu

pseudo-title: "If I let you get your hands on my heart, I know there'd be changes you would want to make. It frightens me to let down my guard. 'Cause I know how easilly a heart can break."

So... I went book shopping today. I'm taking an Old Testament class (tomorrow morning) and the books are awesome. In addition to a certain version of the Bible, I also have a book on Prophecy, and Ancient Hebrew Culture and Near East something... I'm really excited about this class, which I didn't think I would be. Of course you'll hear me complaining two weeks from now. Oh well.

Then was jujitsu. I discovered that something happens when I am annoyed with people, or worried about someone. Even though the source of my emotion is outside (the other person), for some reason, I respond inwardly. I drop my energy, and put up a wall inside. I've seen this happen a couple of times, but tonight was the only time I could really kinda put my finger on it.

So, when we did some freestyle, I was horribly frustrated with myself, because my dropped energy slowed my mental powers down, and I either did the same things over and over again, or just stopped short just before, so that I WOULDN'T do the same things over and over again. Which frustrated me more... it was one of those snowballs rolling down the mountain that just gets bigger and heavier. I wanted to stop myself, take myself out of my body, beat myself for a little bit, put myself back in, and continue with the freestyle. I think it might have helped a bit. Wouldn't have hurt much inside since... well... since it already does anyway.

*Sigh* On the upside... I had one interesting experience. I had to kiai (spirit-yell) for one of the techniques... well, I guess it should have been all of them. But... I've never done a kiai quite in that way before... it sort of felt like something. Most of the time when I kiai, its because I need to do it to protect myself (it focuses your mind and lessens the impact of a fall/technique being done to your body). This time, it was something else. I'm not trying to be morbid, but it felt like there was a trapped animal inside me... one that's been wounded... White Fang. And when I kiai-ed, I let him out of his corner, and he wasn't sure what to do with his freedom, but used the energy of springing from the trap just to sort of explode out of me... anyway, I'm not sure if that's a good way to describe how I felt.

And from here... I'm not sure where to take my blog. There's some other stuff on my mind that I can't write about. I'm worried about someone. And there's nothing I can do about it. So, the end.

The Lion King

"Kings don't need advice from little porn-films for a start."

I SWEAR thats what I heard when I was in the Rutgers bookstore today.

More on that later... I have to talk about my classes... I'm excited and not. But I'm gonna be late if I keep typing, so I'll do this later.

Quote of the Day

"I think it needs to go in my blog that Molly likes playing with your vibrator."

Tabloid special- Secrets of Meghan.. unveiled!!!

Muahaha I have abducted Meghan's computer!!!

This is Anissa. I have crashed at Meghan's place for the past 2 weeks... for no purpose other than to be a nuisance. Oh, and chauffeur Meghan around to various places (the store, dinner parties, Farva...)
Ok... so- I want everyone to know something... a secret that Meghan wants to keep from all of you.

To quote Doug:
"the quiet girls are always the baddest."
"like... Meghan?"
"yep... like Meghan. You KNOW she likes kinky stuff"

Ok there you have it. Meghan's true nature... unveiled. If you don't believe me, give her a back massage, and hear the stuff gushing from her mouth... enough to make anyone blush!!

Meghan also is a key member of the "jujitsu robot"... is an excellent chef; an even better hostess; nice to cuddle up with ( ::snickers:: it's true...) ; and is horrible at shutting up, even when she has laryngitis and tons of people threatening to roll around on the floor because of her stubborn nature.

But most of all... Meghan is a great great friend, and a true sister in Christ. She manages to portray Jesus' love without shoving it down someone's throat- a feat that many Christians cannot do! Someone who anyone can go to, even at 5:30 AM... just to vent.
And all too often she puts on her "actress face", pretends that her life is all balloons and cheese balls, and she fools almost everyone!

Almost.... but this is a "let's bust Meghan's secrets" blog entry... so, if you sense that she's hiding something, talk to her!! Or just roll around on the ground. That could work, too.


And no, I'm not sure where I got the "balloons and cheese balls" idea...

Ok, that's it. This is Anissa ______, from Meghan's Japanese-themed room, signing off
Peace
(And Meghan, if you delete this, something very bad will happen in your sleep tonight... something that involves your face and a Sharpie)

~A~

update...

So here's the deal... I had the flu. I went home, and it compounded with allergies. I came back to New Brunswick but the allergies had already done their job, so now its really bad. This little head monster can't decided if it should stay up top and be a sinus infection or drop down and be bronchitis, so its wavering at my vocal chords, which means I sound like a baby seal when I talk. Luckily though, inanimate objects can be indecisive too, so I've taken the opportunity to to be agressive and Kata Hagai it while it sits there thinking. So now I have all sorts of herbal medicines all over. But tonight, I hit a point where I tried to talk and my vocal chords just stopped vibrating, so tomorrow if I don't answer you its not because I hate you, its because if I talk, Anissa will jump on me or start pulling her hair and rolling on the floor. I'm on vocal rest. Not cause I'm a singer but because I need to talk for the rest of my life. So yeah. Don't tempt me. Its easy to talk all raspy sexy like (ROFL) and doesn't hurt when I talk, it just sounds weird. So yeah. Don't.

hehe

I've just discovered no one is ever too old to watch Reading Rainbow. :-D

And then I discovered Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon playing guitar and singing country music on CMT. Wow. (That was a good wow, not a bad wow.)

today

Lance came up to me in church today. He mentioned something about coming to school and being my bodyguard. I found that kind of amusing. I guess he doesn't know I'm in jujitsu at a mostly male dojo, where most of them ARE my bodyguards. Oh well. I didn't say anything about it. He can have his delusions of me as a pretty dainty dancer artist girl.

On another note, I hate coming home. I was recovering nicely until I came home. Now my ears hurt, which is a bad sign. I'll have my mom look in my ears with the otoscope, she'll wonder why I'm so congested, and then she won't listen when I tell her we should eat the guinea pig so I don't have to react anymore. Whatever. Kinda makes me want to stay in New Brunswick until she gets the point.

Another thing, I'm going to send an email I probably shouldn't send. Don't know how that will go over. I'll keep you posted.

Last thing before I go write up a dream I had... over the course of September through December, with modern dance, jujitsu, and stress from theater, I ended up losing a little over 5 pounds, and even through the christmas feast and cookies, I didn't gain any of it back. Last week, I got sick, my body was working extra hard to kill a virus, and I ate pretty much nothing for two days, except some broth. Apparently what I have discovered is that living on a broth diet makes you gain weight. I am now the same weight I was in September. I'm confused. My body is being weird.

Ok thats a pretty much boring update. I'll leave you now. Bye.

hell

i am having a nightmare. its called insomnia.

disclaimer: complaining and b*&^%ing ahead. stop reading if you don't want to hear it.

the scary part of it is that there are four other people in the house who are fast asleep, and i am lying here wondering why in the past seven months, i have never seen the neighbors' kitchen dark at night. are they nocturnal? are they blind and don't know its on? are they rich and looking for ways to spend money? how big is their monthly electric bill?

the other scary part is i'm so tired that my head is buzzing. its wierd, i don't know how to describe it. its not audible enough to be a sound, but its not tangible enough to be a vibration. its somewhere on the scale between the two. its kind of a dizzying feeling. i've never been high or drunk but its sorta how i would imagine it might feel. and no, despite being sick, i haven't taken any medicine either to keep me up or cause the buzzing. i have some allergy medication designed to make you drowsy, but i hate taking medicine for reasons other than its marketed use. especially when it comes to allergy problems. i don't want to take any chances that i will become immune to a medication. especially with allergy medicine. i once took benadryl so much that it stopped helping my allergies. that year was horrible, i thought i was going to die. luckily after months of not taking benadryl i was able to try it again and find that my body responds to it again. so yeah. bottom line, i can't take my allergy medicine when i'm not having allergy problems just because i can't sleep. its not like i'm allergic to sleep.

anyway, it sounds like i might be developing an ear infection. hopefully it will go away before becoming complete because i have been recovering fairly quickly. and some knots in my neck. those are interesting. even with massage they won't go away. and the reason is probably that i've been sleeping sitting up because when i'm sick i can't lie down flat.

so now that i've officially complained, i'll come up with a lame excuse like maybe its pms and then i'll go find something else to do. thanks for listening past the disclaimer. *apologies*

New Year's resolution

Heal. Grow. Live. Reach. Fly. Soar. Love it all.

NEW YEARS!!

So, a lot of the time, I'm really happy that I can end a year and start fresh. Like 2003... that was a rough year. I was glad it was over. This week since Christmas I've been doing some reflecting, you know, knowing new year's is coming. I decided that I'm a little sad that 2005 is ending. On the whole, its been a really good year. I hated my school life a little bit for a while. And it started kinda rough. But on the whole... 2005 was very good. Don't get me wrong, I AM glad I get to start fresh... but still.

Normally, I go to a New Year's Eve service at my church, where basically we're supposed to repent of stuff in the last year and be able to start the New Year fresh spiritually as well as physically. Then everyone goes home except the young people and we stay and play games all night and usher in the new year by playing mafia and manhunt. But, the youth group didn't do that this year, so I went to New Brunswick... I didn't go to church (heathen!) but I'm ok with that... I can wipe my slate clean with God in church or out of it... I don't need a worship leader with a guitar to help me.

So in New Brunswick, Anissa, Brittany, James, and Steve came over. Andrew stopped by for a little bit too. We ate, and ate, and gave each other massages, and ate, and then watched Penn & Teller, then the ball dropped and we drank sparkling cider, and then on tv the news anchors kissed and that was when I remembered the blog entry I wrote about mistletoe. Is that a thing you're supposed to do too? Kiss into the New Year? I can't remember. I think it is. Anyway... not important. Back to Penn & Teller. We watched until like 4 am and then we put in mystery science theater. Brit went to sleep but for 4ish hours it was the four of us squished onto the couch. It was such a nice cozy way to bring in the New Year, probably one of the best I've had. Good friends sitting together in comfort, good food (Anissa made cinnamon rolls), and then at 7 we went to the Omega diner and the sun was so beautiful.

I think the sun on New Year's is always beautiful. By law. Some unspoken law of nature dictates that the clouds have to be just right and the humidity has to reflect the light in a certain way. Its like having a white Christmas, only its a little more dependable.

So I slept for a little bit but Mel and Sam came in from NYC and woke me up, so it was the second "night" in a row I got 4 hours of sleep. I think I'll go back to bed.